Shower for Destination Wedding

adrianadouglas

In August, I will be hosting a Jack and Jill wedding shower/celebration for friends who are having a destination wedding. Some of the guests who will be invited to the shower won't be invited to the wedding. Is there a nice way of expressing that? I am looking for etiquette advice and wording ideas. Thanks!

misshart00

It's rude to invite people to pre wedding parties when they're not invited to the wedding. I would scale down your guest list to only those people.

AddieCake

Not cool.

MGP

adrianadouglas said:

In August, I will be hosting a Jack and Jill wedding shower/celebration for friends who are having a destination wedding. Some of the guests who will be invited to the shower won't be invited to the wedding. Is there a nice way of expressing that? I am looking for etiquette advice and wording ideas. Thanks!

First I have to ask - a Jack and Jill coed shower or a Jack and Jill fundraiser shower?  This term is used very differently in various regions so I just wanted to clarify.  If it's the former read my advice below.  If it's the latter still take my advice below but we have bigger issues on top of that. 

As others said only guests invited to the wedding can be invited to a shower or any other pre wedding parties. It's very inappropriate to include non invited guests and gives the message they are good enough to give a gift but not good enough to witness the main event and be properly hosted.  A destination wedding is not an exception. 

You are the host of this shower. Do not lend your name to this tackiness.  Invite only wedding guests and if the couple balks rescind the offer to host. 

Personally - this is a hill I would die on. 

MairePoppy

No, there's no nice way to say - 'You're not invited to the wedding, but we'd still like you to buy a gift.'

JCbride2015

There is no nice way to say this, sorry. Here's the etiquette advice you asked for: just don't invite those people. That's a choice the couple made when they opted for a smaller destination wedding.

And if Jack and Jill means fundraiser? Don't do it, at all. 

ETA: reading fail. You are the host, not the bride or groom.  The same advice still applies. If the couple is insisting these people be invited, inform them you just can't host  a shower that would treat the guests so poorly. An invite to a shower but not the wedding says that guest isn't close enough to the couple to celebrate the wedding, but the couple still wants a gift. It's quite rude and hurtful. Please don't be part of this. 

Simply Fated

adrianadouglas said:

In August, I will be hosting a Jack and Jill wedding shower/celebration for friends who are having a destination wedding. Some of the guests who will be invited to the shower won't be invited to the wedding. Is there a nice way of expressing that? I am looking for etiquette advice and wording ideas. Thanks!

There really isn't a nice way of expressing this. I know you're looking for etiquette advice and wording.... the trouble is, there is no wording that follows proper etiquette.
So, on to the advice... Try to talk to your friends about it and if they insist on inviting these particular guests, I would back out of hosting. Sooner rather than later. You do not want to be known as the host of this type of party.
The fact that they are having a destination wedding doesn't make their situation any different from people who stay local for their weddings.

LondonLisa

There are three main rules to showers:

1.) No one should be invited to the pre-wedding parties that aren't invited to the wedding. This includes showers, engagements, bachelorette parties, bridal brunches (basically anything that celebrates your engagement or upcoming wedding). 

2.) Showers are also for boxed gifts only, so no cash shower, honeymoon registry shower, gift card shower. The only way you can do a non boxed gift shower is if it is something cost-free, like a "favourite recipe" shower or a "bring a piece of marriage advice" shower.

3.) The guest of honour MUST open their gifts in front of everyone. None of this rubbish about being too shy or not wanting to be the centre of attention. Too bad, if you can't handle being polite and opening the gifts either decline the shower or be an adult and suck it up.

These rules are in addition to the standard hostess rules of appropriate refreshments, thank you notes are a must (and not having guests address it themselves!), no inapproriate games etc.

And yes, I hope by Jack and Jill you mean a co-ed shower, which is fine (as long as everyone is invited to the wedding), and not a Fundraiser. I had never heard of a wedding fundraiser until I came on here and I still have no idea how some people have no shame!

Jen4948

@LondonLisa nailed it.

One other thing:

And yes, I hope by Jack and Jill you mean a co-ed shower, which is fine (as long as everyone is invited to the wedding), and not a Fundraiser. I had never heard of a wedding fundraiser until I came on here and I still have no idea how some people have no shame!

This means not only no fundraising for the couple, but no fundraising for any other cause, no matter how "worthy" you perceive it to be.

ShesSoCold

I'm having a very small destination wedding and my MOH threw me a really great shower. It was small, but it was nice and the 12 of us had a lovely afternoon. 

Please do not invite anyone who is not invited to the wedding itself. I know a PP already covered this, but I want to reiterate that it sends the message of "please buy me a gift but I can/t afford to/don't want to invite you to the actual wedding".

Blue_Bird

Etiquette has nothing to do with this shindig. Please cancel it.

RebeccaB88

You can have the shower, but only invite those also invited to the wedding itself.  Period. 

princessleia22

Here is example of why you don't invite non-wedding guests to showers:

I am also having a destination wedding. My MOH and mom hosted a co-ed "Bridal Open House" about a month before wedding, back in my home town (across country from where I currently live).  None of my extended family is able to make it to my wedding, so they wanted to provide an opportunity for them to celebrate and congratulate me.  I provided them with my wedding guest list, which included only immediate family and aunts/uncles. Along with the family that I did invite to wedding, they also ended up inviting some cousins and family friends that were not invited to wedding.  They even invited some of my mom's friends that I have never even met. But, at least everyone knew that we were having a small wedding and invites were already sent out, so those that weren't invited to the wedding knew that before the shower. 

I tried to tell people that gifts were not required (when they asked), as we just want an opportunity to celebrate with everyone, but MOH and mom did inform everyone where we were registered anyway.  Everyone ended up bringing gifts, because no matter what you say, they know that showers are meant to be a gift giving event.  Most people gave gift cards, since they knew I'd have to travel with any gifts. It was a bit awkward getting gifts from people I've never met and some I didn't even know their names. And although I did enjoy seeing some of the family and friends that I haven't seen in a while, it was awkward knowing they weren't invited to the wedding... especially when one cousin apologized for not being able to attend my wedding... Um, they weren't invited (I'm assuming they got the details & info from their parents).

Then when I got home afterward and went to write thank you cards for all the gifts received. Well, since there were people at the shower that weren't on my wedding guest list and I wasn't in charge of inviting people to shower, I didn't have everyone's address to send thank you cards. It took me nearly 2 weeks of nagging and doing some independent searching on whitepages.com to get all the addresses to send thank you cards, which was a hassle. 

So, like others said, it is probably not a good idea to invite non-wedding invited people to shower.  It does create some awkwardness.  And even if you tell people gifts aren't required, they will still feel obligated to bring one. And if they don't bring one, it would be awkward for them to sit there watching everyone else's gifts get opened. Or you could maybe throw just a party/BBQ/get together non-gift event, instead of a shower to invite everyone to.  If you did that, I would just refer to it as a party/BBQ/get together and not a shower or any reference to wedding.  Any time you reference wedding, people will assume gifts are required. If people really want to get gifts for bride/groom, they are welcome to do so without a shower to encourage it. I have received gifts from non-invited friends and had others say that they want to take us out to dinner or whatever.