Disagreement with fiance's parents over where to have the rehearsal dinner...

comexwhatxmay

I'm just going to come right out and say it, my family has a lot of money and my fiancé's family does not. That being said, they have much higher taste than my family. (We're a bunch of cheapskates.) Since they're paying for the rehearsal dinner, they want to have it at this fancy place. When my fiancé and I tried to talk to them about having it someplace cheaper, they were insulted. They were like "you only get married once, you're going to have a nice rehearsal dinner!" But we CAN have a nice dinner someplace else that has better food and is cheaper and that we like better. I really don't like fancy restaurants. They think they need to "impress" everyone. I have told them that my parents would be more impressed by them saving money instead of spending it (which is true), but they don't buy it. Any advice?

phira

comexwhatxmay said:

I'm just going to come right out and say it, my family has a lot of money and my fiancé's family does not. That being said, they have much higher taste than my family. (We're a bunch of cheapskates.) Since they're paying for the rehearsal dinner, they want to have it at this fancy place. When my fiancé and I tried to talk to them about having it someplace cheaper, they were insulted. They were like "you only get married once, you're going to have a nice rehearsal dinner!" But we CAN have a nice dinner someplace else that has better food and is cheaper and that we like better. I really don't like fancy restaurants. They think they need to "impress" everyone. I have told them that my parents would be more impressed by them saving money instead of spending it (which is true), but they don't buy it. Any advice?

My advice is to let them host the rehearsal dinner where they want to host it. You can either accept that they're hosting and let them do what they'd like (and pick the restaurant), or you can decline their offer and decide to host it yourself.

AddieCake

If they are paying and want to do it someplace nicer, what's the big deal?

bethsmiles

It's their money and they are hosting. You need to drop it and just let them plan it.

JCbride2015

Yeah I don't get it-- they are hosting, shouldn't they have it where they want?

Are you afraid your family will judge them for spending what they, in the eyes of your family, can't afford?  That's pretty awful.

ScoutF

If they are paying for it, you need to say thanks and back off. Who has more money and what they like to do with said money has nothing to do with it. Be grateful and stay out of it. 

jdluvr06

Say thank you and be happy they are paying for it. Let them have it where they want since it is their money.

beethery

comexwhatxmay said:

I'm just going to come right out and say it, my family has a lot of money and my fiancé's family does not. That being said, they have much higher taste than my family. (We're a bunch of cheapskates.) Since they're paying for the rehearsal dinner, they want to have it at this fancy place. When my fiancé and I tried to talk to them about having it someplace cheaper, they were insulted. They were like "you only get married once, you're going to have a nice rehearsal dinner!" But we CAN have a nice dinner someplace else that has better food and is cheaper and that we like better. I really don't like fancy restaurants. They think they need to "impress" everyone. I have told them that my parents would be more impressed by them saving money instead of spending it (which is true), but they don't buy it. Any advice?

Let them throw their money around in the manner of their choosing. It probably won't feel QUITE as hoity-toity if it's bigger group.

That said, free food?

crackktheskyy

comexwhatxmay said:

I'm just going to come right out and say it, my family has a lot of money and my fiancé's family does not. That being said, they have much higher taste than my family. (We're a bunch of cheapskates.) Since they're paying for the rehearsal dinner, they want to have it at this fancy place. When my fiancé and I tried to talk to them about having it someplace cheaper, they were insulted. They were like "you only get married once, you're going to have a nice rehearsal dinner!" But we CAN have a nice dinner someplace else that has better food and is cheaper and that we like better. I really don't like fancy restaurants. They think they need to "impress" everyone. I have told them that my parents would be more impressed by them saving money instead of spending it (which is true), but they don't buy it. Any advice?

Let them host the dinner they want to host! It's their budget. For all you know, they could have been saving for this! Maybe it is very important for them.

RebeccaFlower

I also don't understand what your issue is. You should be grateful they are offering to host your dinner. If you want it somewhere else, decline their offer but you don't get to dictate the terms of their gift to you.

slothiegal

I think (from the little I've read) that this may be all they can contribute and it means a lot to them.  They're grown, they can decide how and where to spend money.

I say relax, enjoy some food, some drinks, and the fact that your in-laws are excited to be hosting something for you!

MNVegas

FI's family made an offer and you accepted. Guess what? They are hosting and paying so they get to do what they want. If you don't like their plans, then decline their offer. Although you will more than likely offend them yet again. Is that really how you want to start your marriage? 

Really you have no right to tell your FI's parents how to spend their money. Just let it go, be grateful for their offer and stop causing drama.

slothiegal

beethery said:

Let them throw their money around in the manner of their choosing. It probably won't feel QUITE as hoity-toity if it's bigger group.

That said, free food?

Side note, @Beethery, your taste in drag queens is impeccable.  

beethery

slothiegal said:

beethery said:

Let them throw their money around in the manner of their choosing. It probably won't feel QUITE as hoity-toity if it's bigger group.

That said, free food?

Side note, @Beethery, your taste in drag queens is impeccable.  

I would've responded with the leeeeegendary "Gimme my pocketbook, I'm leavin'" gif but I 1. can't find it and 2. it isn't the correct response to this loooooooovely compliment lol

slothiegal

beethery said:

slothiegal said:

beethery said:

Let them throw their money around in the manner of their choosing. It probably won't feel QUITE as hoity-toity if it's bigger group.

That said, free food?

Side note, @Beethery, your taste in drag queens is impeccable.  

I would've responded with the leeeeegendary "Gimme my pocketbook, I'm leavin'" gif but I 1. can't find it and 2. it isn't the correct response to this loooooooovely compliment lol

"A pineapple dress???"

Gah I spent about five minutes looking for it too, but quickly got distracted 'cause it's almost quittin' time.

That said, Juju gifs are always appreciated as well.  

And now I'll be done derailing this thread.

Jen4948

It's really not up to you to decide how much money anyone should spend-even on you.

If you don't like the food or service at the restaurant they want to host the dinner at, that's one thing, but if it's that they propose to pay, out of their own pockets, some amount of money that you think is higher than it should be, that's not your business because the money is not coming out of your pocket.  Other people are entitled to have a higher standard of living than you, and they are not necessarily choosing to "impress" other people by choosing more expensive facilities than you would have.

Liatris2010

comexwhatxmay said:

I'm just going to come right out and say it, my family has a lot of money and my fiancé's family does not. That being said, they have much higher taste than my family. (We're a bunch of cheapskates.) Since they're paying for the rehearsal dinner, they want to have it at this fancy place. When my fiancé and I tried to talk to them about having it someplace cheaper, they were insulted. They were like "you only get married once, you're going to have a nice rehearsal dinner!" But we CAN have a nice dinner someplace else that has better food and is cheaper and that we like better. I really don't like fancy restaurants. They think they need to "impress" everyone. I have told them that my parents would be more impressed by them saving money instead of spending it (which is true), but they don't buy it. Any advice?

This was a terribly rude thing to say to them. Instead you should say thank you for hosting a party in our honor and then STFU.

lilacck28

Jen4948 said:

It's really not up to you to decide how much money anyone should spend-even on you.

If you don't like the food or service at the restaurant they want to host the dinner at, that's one thing, but if it's that they propose to pay, out of their own pockets, some amount of money that you think is higher than it should be, that's not your business because the money is not coming out of your pocket.  Other people are entitled to have a higher standard of living than you, and they are not necessarily choosing to "impress" other people by choosing more expensive facilities than you would have.

STUCK IN BOX

I agree with all of this, except... if you have been to this restaurant and don't like the food/ service, you may mention that, and perhaps your in laws will take that into consideration (indeed, it would be kind of them to do so). But, it is also possible that your future in laws  have been there themselves and loved it. In which case, they are still the hosts, they are still paying, so they get to make the final choice. 

Really though, that doesn't seem to be the issue. It sounds like its a money thing, which you need to let go of. They know their finances, and can decide what they want to spend. 

lilacck28

If it IS the issue that it is this particular restaurant you don't like, maybe look into and suggest similarly priced places that have similar atmospheres where you do like the food.

melbelleup

comexwhatxmay said:

I'm just going to come right out and say it, my family has a lot of money and my fiancé's family does not. That being said, they have much higher taste than my family. (We're a bunch of cheapskates.) Since they're paying for the rehearsal dinner, they want to have it at this fancy place. When my fiancé and I tried to talk to them about having it someplace cheaper, they were insulted. They were like "you only get married once, you're going to have a nice rehearsal dinner!" But we CAN have a nice dinner someplace else that has better food and is cheaper and that we like better. I really don't like fancy restaurants. They think they need to "impress" everyone. I have told them that my parents would be more impressed by them saving money instead of spending it (which is true), but they don't buy it. Any advice?

If they're paying, they get to pick the place. That being said, are there any nice cheap restaurants where your rehearsal is taking place? We decided to just do hoss's and I promoted that idea, mainly because my FILS do not know my home town and I knew they love to go to hoss's. Cheap, everyone will eat something, no worries about dietary needs (my brother is gluten free and dairy free) and no worries about alcohol prices.

CallaLily25

Their money, their decision. Unfortunately, I think the only way out of it this is paying for it yourselves. TBH, I don't think it's the end of the world if they want to pay for it and have it someplace nicer. The only way I would have a problem with it would be if your guests weren't being properly hosted. Otherwise, I would just bite the bullet and let them have it where they want to have it.

climbingsingle

If they're paying, they get to choose the place. 

zitiqueen

comexwhatxmay said:

I'm just going to come right out and say it, my family has a lot of money and my fiancé's family does not. That being said, they have much higher taste than my family. (We're a bunch of cheapskates.) Since they're paying for the rehearsal dinner, they want to have it at this fancy place. When my fiancé and I tried to talk to them about having it someplace cheaper, they were insulted. They were like "you only get married once, you're going to have a nice rehearsal dinner!" But we CAN have a nice dinner someplace else that has better food and is cheaper and that we like better. I really don't like fancy restaurants. They think they need to "impress" everyone. I have told them that my parents would be more impressed by them saving money instead of spending it (which is true), but they don't buy it. Any advice?

Oh dear God, I hope you're joking.

lilacck28

zitiqueen said:

comexwhatxmay said:

I'm just going to come right out and say it, my family has a lot of money and my fiancé's family does not. That being said, they have much higher taste than my family. (We're a bunch of cheapskates.) Since they're paying for the rehearsal dinner, they want to have it at this fancy place. When my fiancé and I tried to talk to them about having it someplace cheaper, they were insulted. They were like "you only get married once, you're going to have a nice rehearsal dinner!" But we CAN have a nice dinner someplace else that has better food and is cheaper and that we like better. I really don't like fancy restaurants. They think they need to "impress" everyone. I have told them that my parents would be more impressed by them saving money instead of spending it (which is true), but they don't buy it. Any advice?

Oh dear God, I hope you're joking.

Yes to this. OP, I think it could really offend your future in law's to say something like that... as if anything they do is to impress your parents, or that you just see anything they do for you as trying to impress your family. Why should they be trying to impress your parents? If you already did say that, well, too late. But I most definitely would not say something like that again. 

Kauris

It is also unkind of you to discuss your FI's parent's finances with your parents, plus, if your parents judge it, then you should not discuss that with your FI OR his parents. 

climbingsingle

zitiqueen said:

comexwhatxmay said:

I'm just going to come right out and say it, my family has a lot of money and my fiancé's family does not. That being said, they have much higher taste than my family. (We're a bunch of cheapskates.) Since they're paying for the rehearsal dinner, they want to have it at this fancy place. When my fiancé and I tried to talk to them about having it someplace cheaper, they were insulted. They were like "you only get married once, you're going to have a nice rehearsal dinner!" But we CAN have a nice dinner someplace else that has better food and is cheaper and that we like better. I really don't like fancy restaurants. They think they need to "impress" everyone. I have told them that my parents would be more impressed by them saving money instead of spending it (which is true), but they don't buy it. Any advice?

Oh dear God, I hope you're joking.

Hoollleeee shit. I didn't even see that the first time. I also hope you didn't actually say that to your in-laws. WOW. 

sophhabobopha

ClimbingBrideNY said:

zitiqueen said:

comexwhatxmay said:

I'm just going to come right out and say it, my family has a lot of money and my fiancé's family does not. That being said, they have much higher taste than my family. (We're a bunch of cheapskates.) Since they're paying for the rehearsal dinner, they want to have it at this fancy place. When my fiancé and I tried to talk to them about having it someplace cheaper, they were insulted. They were like "you only get married once, you're going to have a nice rehearsal dinner!" But we CAN have a nice dinner someplace else that has better food and is cheaper and that we like better. I really don't like fancy restaurants. They think they need to "impress" everyone. I have told them that my parents would be more impressed by them saving money instead of spending it (which is true), but they don't buy it. Any advice?

Oh dear God, I hope you're joking.

Hoollleeee shit. I didn't even see that the first time. I also hope you didn't actually say that to your in-laws. WOW. 

slothiegal

ClimbingBrideNY said:

zitiqueen said:

comexwhatxmay said:

I'm just going to come right out and say it, my family has a lot of money and my fiancé's family does not. That being said, they have much higher taste than my family. (We're a bunch of cheapskates.) Since they're paying for the rehearsal dinner, they want to have it at this fancy place. When my fiancé and I tried to talk to them about having it someplace cheaper, they were insulted. They were like "you only get married once, you're going to have a nice rehearsal dinner!" But we CAN have a nice dinner someplace else that has better food and is cheaper and that we like better. I really don't like fancy restaurants. They think they need to "impress" everyone. I have told them that my parents would be more impressed by them saving money instead of spending it (which is true), but they don't buy it. Any advice?

Oh dear God, I hope you're joking.

Hoollleeee shit. I didn't even see that the first time. I also hope you didn't actually say that to your in-laws. WOW. 

Shiiiiit, how did I miss that on my first read through.

bride2b71614

I am with all PPs in which you should understand that those who pay get the final say. As for your behavior towards your FI's family? Its an honest shame that your money couldn't buy you class with this scenario. Did you seriously tell your FI's family that your parents would be more impressed if they saved money rather than spent it? You could have just said thank you, but instead, you decided that it would be a better idea to tell them where to host it in order to impress your parents. To me, that is all kinds of fucked up. No one is entitled to a rehearsal dinner, and since your FI's family was kind enough to pick up the tab (and if you actually told them that they should host it elsewhere), I would suggest apologizing to them ASAP and then telling them how grateful you are, rather than bitching and moaning about how you don't like where the rehearsal dinner is being held. 

lc07

OP, I'm going to try to give you the benefit of the doubt and hope that it was not your intention to come across to us, or to your FI's family as bratty and ungrateful. But it appears that you have. You are also coming across as very micro-managing about a generous, thoughtful, kind gift.

You may accept or decline their offer to host. Regardless, I advise you keep your mouth shut about your judgement about their financial choices moving forward.