No registry... is that weird?

izza2

Our wedding is in August - invitations are sent, we're getting responses regularly, and my mother keeps bothering me about making a wedding registry.

The trouble being - we don't want one. After he proposed, we both agreed there wasn't anything physical that we were really wanting for. When I first moved in, we spent the first few months making sure we had everything we needed - kitchen appliances, furniture, pots and pans...

So we agreed to not make a registry, and to just let anyone who asked that we're not looking for anything material-wise. Everyone knows cash is always a welcome wedding gift, so we never felt the need to sound greedy and say "we just need money".

However - every time my mother talks to me about the wedding, she always brings up the registry, or lack-thereof.

She's told me to just make a small registry, like 1-2 items from each store, and then return anything we got, but... Not only do I feel awkward about doing that, but it seems rude to me. And can you even return registry gifts? Even so - it still seems rude.

So far no one's expressed any concerns over the fact we don't have a registry except for her. My FI's step-mother is the only person who's asked where we're registered. She also knows we're saving up for a house, so we told her we weren't looking for anything materialistic, and she understood from that.

We've seen multiple people who've been invited and have RSVP'd, and no one else has bothered to ask or put us in that position.

It's not new for my mother to be pressuring me in to doing something for the wedding that I/we didn't want to (or pressuring me to do something before we're ready to, or to not include my FI in a decision). I just wish she'd drop it already.

I mean... is it weird for us to not have a wedding registry? Not even just a small list somewhere?

Plenty of couples have no wedding registries, and just accept "whatever" or monetary gifts, right?

chibiyui

It's perfectly fine to not have a registry. Just start bean dipping your mom when she asks you about it.

emmyg65

You did the right thing  for your situation. Please ignore your mother's advice.

csuave

It is "weird" to have a shower without a registry.

Totally fine to not have a registry for a wedding. 

Sometime it is good to have a "we're saving up for xyz" line ready for those that ask what gifts you would like or where you registered.

lleblanc33

Well I get what you are saying- we have been living together for 8 years and there was not much we needed... and we were not getting married for the gifts- at all. The trouble is, there are people that will only give a physical gift for your wedding, and very few that will give anything other than that at a shower. If you do not register, you really will not hear the end of it... and you will most likely get more random items that you already have or don't need- in many cases without a gift receipt and you wont even know where to return them to... This is why we decided to register for fewer items (there are always a few things you could pick) and our thought are this will likely make our guests think,"hey, there isn't too much that they need! Maybe I will just give them cash"

As a side note- I was surprised with a bridal shower at my work yesterday. People that I hardly know bought all kinds of stuff from my registry. Had I not registered, I have no idea how they would have known what to buy us because they hardly know me at all!! People just love showers, and it is easier to play by their rules! You have enough other things to worry about.

photokitty

Mom needs to get over it. If you have a shower you should (or you'll get random stuff) register, if you decline all showers then there is not need to have one.

We did not register - anywhere. Everyone knows cash is always appropriate, appreciated and often preferred - literally everyone on earth knows this. =o) 

Some people will want to get you a physical gift - it's sort of fun to see what they pick out. We gave a few suggestions to our moms in case anyone really wanted suggestions for a boxed gift - we got a great set of knives i never would have registered bc they were expensive

For our wedding the gifts broke down like this: 75% cash or check, 20% gift cards and 5% physical gifts. 

If you want money or don't need anything don't register. This is the best way to politely suggest folks give you money. I'm telling you from experience ;-) 

There is nothing wrong with saying, when asked where you are registered, we are saving up for the honeymoon (or house or big screen TV or whatever it is you'd like to purchase). GL!

Lurkers - surprise showers are not good, bc anyone invited to a shower should be invited to the wedding. Please make sure you have complete say in who is invited to your showers and only invite those you are inviting to the actual wedding

izza2

photokitty said:

Lurkers - surprise showers are not good, bc anyone invited to a shower should be invited to the wedding. Please make sure you have complete say in who is invited to your showers and only invite those you are inviting to the actual wedding

Every time we talk about the bridal shower I make it a point to mention that inviting people to the shower but not the wedding is rude, and I'm not comfortable with being put in that situation.

Especially since considering one of the people she wants to invite is someone that I would have thrown out of my wedding if she showed up. I just plain hate her and just seeing her face would put a damper on my day, as bad as that may sound.

Last time she scoffed and kind of sounded like a scolded child when I told her that, but I think it's finally getting through to her...

I think at this point most people know through the grapevine that we're just interested in money if possible; FI's step-grandmother is trying to sell her house and we're hoping to buy it, and his entire side of the family knows about it and knows we have zero dollars to even think about using. So, hopefully it helps lessen the chance of "here's a random blender you didn't ever mention" gifts.

Thanks!

csuave

"Every time we talk about the bridal shower"

Does this mean that you are having a shower?  You should register for a shower.  You will get that random blender if you don't.  And there is a good chance the random blender won't come with a gift receipt.  You can always shut the registry down/hide it from view after the shower is over if you want to discourage boxed gifts for your wedding.

izza2

She's not talking to me or worried about a bridal shower registry -- that's not the topic of our discussions. She brings up a wedding registry, as in the presents we'd want for the wedding, if we wanted any. I don't care what I do or don't get for my bridal shower. I could go without having one and I'd be perfectly fine.

ashleyep

Right, but people usually shop from the registry for the shower. It's the same gift list.

If you're going to have a shower, you should register. It would be weird to have a shower and not have boxed gifts to open. You don't have showers for cash.

lil81

Agree with others - you MUST have a shower registry. We aren't doing a shower, we already have a house full pf stuff, and will have no registry, and there isn't anything in particular we're saving up for. I'm sure some people will give money but I'm truly hoping that guests feel welcome not to give anything at all.

Jen4948

Showers were held before registries were ever invented, so I don't think you MUST have a shower registry.  The two are not linked.  One can have a shower without a registry.

But if you don't want boxed gifts at all, I'm not clear on why you want a shower.  Why not have a non-gift party instead?

MairePoppy

Registering for gifts isn't required, whether you have a shower or not. It's not rude or inconsiderate not to have a registry. There are people who aren't comfortable giving cash gifts though, so those guests will have to put some thought into what you might like. That's where things get interesting.

MyNameIsNot

You need a registry if you're having a shower.  A shower is for physical gifts.  Don't leave your guests guessing what you need or thinking you are trying to have a cash shower.

If you really don't want physical gifts, you shouldn't be having a shower.

jenijoyk

I have only been invited to one wedding that did not have a registry. The thing I didn't like about it was that I couldn't think of anything/didn't have time to thing of anything really useful and unique to get them so I ended up getting them a gift card. But then I felt bad about it! Like, geez, if I were a better friend I would have been able to get them something physical that they would have actually needed instead of this generic gift card. If you have a registery you relieve your guests of that pressure. Especially out of town guests, who might want to get you something, but now they not only have to stress over thinking of something you want, but then also shipping it to you. Registries just organize that all for the guests. Think of it as not doing a registry for you, but doing it as a favor to your guests. Yes, gift giving has happened long before registries and gift cards, but now the convenience exists and a lot of your guests might end up wishing you had embraced it for their sake.

jenijoyk

Also, if I were planning a shower for someone without a registry, I would try to at least theme it to give guests some sort of direction. A cookbook theme shower. A garden theme shower. A boardgame shower. A "fill the liquor cabinet" shower. Whatever. So if you are adamently against a registry and are still having a shower, maybe come up with at least some category of things that you need and drop the (likely grateful host) a hint or two.

People like to give gifts to people they love. They just do. It's fun, and it's cute, and they will get happy when they come over to your house months from now and see their gift sitting on your counter somewhere. Don't take that away from them! I would feel so incredibly awkward showing up to a shower without a gift, even if the bride-to-be told me not to bring one. Because you know SOMEONE will, and show everyone else up, and then all the people who didn't bring one will be like, "Crap. I was actually SUPPOSED to bring one, and now I'm an asshole."

beethery

jenijoyk said:

I have only been invited to one wedding that did not have a registry. The thing I didn't like about it was that I couldn't think of anything/didn't have time to thing of anything really useful and unique to get them so I ended up getting them a gift card. But then I felt bad about it! Like, geez, if I were a better friend I would have been able to get them something physical that they would have actually needed instead of this generic gift card. If you have a registery you relieve your guests of that pressure. Especially out of town guests, who might want to get you something, but now they not only have to stress over thinking of something you want, but then also shipping it to you. Registries just organize that all for the guests. Think of it as not doing a registry for you, but doing it as a favor to your guests. Yes, gift giving has happened long before registries and gift cards, but now the convenience exists and a lot of your guests might end up wishing you had embraced it for their sake.

My FI and I do not plan to have a registry. Because we don't need anything, and we do not expect gifts from our friends and family. Creating a registry is not a requirement. I also plan to decline any offers of bridal showers because we will not have a registry. 

If someone wants to give us a gift, they can get anything of their choosing and it is not a wild inconvenience.

Having a registry is fine, but the way you're phrasing your opinion about it makes it seem like people around you are clueless about gift-giving unless you give them very specific directions. I assure you, people can handle giving gifts without direction, and worst case scenario, cash is completely acceptable (as long as you don't do some kind of weird money registry).

jenijoyk

A lot of people are clueless about gift giving. That's what I'm saying. And I did find it pretty inconvenient. I applaud your ability to intuitively know what to get someone, but I lack that skill and I know I'm not the only one.

beethery

jenijoyk said:

A lot of people are clueless about gift giving. That's what I'm saying. And I did find it pretty inconvenient. I applaud your ability to intuitively know what to get someone, but I lack that skill and I know I'm not the only one.

If you don't know and really want to give a gift, give cash. It is that simple.

izza2

The shower's over. I did make a small registry while I was bored at work for people to refer to for the shower. No one referred to it. So, I'm good on this topic now. It can be closed.
No more replies please -- at this point it's not helpful either way. ^_^

theartistformerlyknownas

izza2 said:

The shower's over. I did make a small registry while I was bored at work for people to refer to for the shower. No one referred to it. So, I'm good on this topic now. It can be closed.
No more replies please -- at this point it's not helpful either way. ^_^

FYI, people reply because they're engaged in conversation or to benefit others/lurkers. This is why posters can't remove or close their own threads - the advice and conversation often lives on beyond the initial question. It's not very effective or polite to tell people to stop posting.

huskypuppy14

No one used your registry for your shower... that's weird.

I also agree with other posters that a registry is not required. My mother was married before registries were common place, and she still received gifts (though she may have gotten 2 blenders!)

Also, don't tell people they shouldn't post anymore. You made the post, you have to accept that people are going to leave messages regarding it. Also, it may not be helpful to you, but it could be helpful for another bride.

Jen4948

MyNameIsNot said:

You need a registry if you're having a shower.  A shower is for physical gifts.  Don't leave your guests guessing what you need or thinking you are trying to have a cash shower.

If you really don't want physical gifts, you shouldn't be having a shower.

Showers were held before registries were ever invented.  It is possible to have a shower without a registry.  The guests merely make their own selections of physical gifts and present them boxed.  There has never been a requirement that the couple do pre-selections of gifts.

JoanE2012

Jen4948 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

You need a registry if you're having a shower.  A shower is for physical gifts.  Don't leave your guests guessing what you need or thinking you are trying to have a cash shower.

If you really don't want physical gifts, you shouldn't be having a shower.

Showers were held before registries were ever invented.  It is possible to have a shower without a registry.  The guests merely make their own selections of physical gifts and present them boxed.  There has never been a requirement that the couple do pre-selections of gifts.

I agree, it's not required.  But it's extremely helpful if you want to avoid getting  5 Lenox picture frames or 4 sets of mismatched wine glasses (though perhaps there's never enough of those!).

Jen4948

JoanE2012 said:

Jen4948 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

You need a registry if you're having a shower.  A shower is for physical gifts.  Don't leave your guests guessing what you need or thinking you are trying to have a cash shower.

If you really don't want physical gifts, you shouldn't be having a shower.

Showers were held before registries were ever invented.  It is possible to have a shower without a registry.  The guests merely make their own selections of physical gifts and present them boxed.  There has never been a requirement that the couple do pre-selections of gifts.

I agree, it's not required.  But it's extremely helpful if you want to avoid getting  5 Lenox picture frames or 4 sets of mismatched wine glasses (though perhaps there's never enough of those!).

Perhaps, but there are people, like me, who just don't enjoy going around to stores or online shopping with a "Let's register for 4 sets of this, 2 of that, 1 of this, 3 of these, etc." mentality.  It takes time to set up a registry, and when you don't enjoy shopping to begin with or really just don't have the time (there are times of the year when my work schedule wouldn't allow for it), people telling you that you are being "rude" for not doing it can be irritating because you are not being rude at all. It may be more inconvenient in some ways, but that's their problem, not the couple's.  The couple may just not want boxed gifts.

photokitty

Jen4948 said:

JoanE2012 said:

Jen4948 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

You need a registry if you're having a shower.  A shower is for physical gifts.  Don't leave your guests guessing what you need or thinking you are trying to have a cash shower.

If you really don't want physical gifts, you shouldn't be having a shower.

Showers were held before registries were ever invented.  It is possible to have a shower without a registry.  The guests merely make their own selections of physical gifts and present them boxed.  There has never been a requirement that the couple do pre-selections of gifts.

I agree, it's not required.  But it's extremely helpful if you want to avoid getting  5 Lenox picture frames or 4 sets of mismatched wine glasses (though perhaps there's never enough of those!).

Perhaps, but there are people, like me, who just don't enjoy going around to stores or online shopping with a "Let's register for 4 sets of this, 2 of that, 1 of this, 3 of these, etc." mentality.  It takes time to set up a registry, and when you don't enjoy shopping to begin with or really just don't have the time (there are times of the year when my work schedule wouldn't allow for it), people telling you that you are being "rude" for not doing it can be irritating because you are not being rude at all. It may be more inconvenient in some ways, but that's their problem, not the couple's.  The couple may just not want boxed gifts.

Joan never said it was rude not to register, rather it made it more convenient for guests. If the couple does not want boxed gifts they most definitely should not have any showers - as MyNameIsNot said, showers are occasions for boxed gifts, not cash. Either way, you never have to register, but as Joan said it is helpful. Regardless, if someone throws a shower for the bride, she should expect to receive boxed gifts, not cash, not gift cards, not HM registry item. Showers are gift giving occasions, so it is acceptable for the bride to expect gifts (unlike the wedding).

jenijoyk

Noting that you acknolwedge you are making things more inconvenient for your guests, and then saying "that's their problem, not the couple's" is not a super awesome hostessing attitude.

jenijoyk

And you don't need to spend hours at the mall setting up a registry. You can literally set one up, online, in like 20 minutes. You go to Macys.com, you fill out like 5 form fields, and you click on some pots and pans. This is literally a 20 minute task.

Jen4948

jenijoyk said:

Noting that you acknolwedge you are making things more inconvenient for your guests, and then saying "that's their problem, not the couple's" is not a super awesome hostessing attitude.

Stuck in box.

The bullshit here is that not registering does not "make things more inconvenient for your guests."  Registries have only been around for less than 100 years.  Before that, guests figured out what to give the couple either by asking them, asking someone who knew them, or using their imaginations.  

 It has nothing to do with a "hostessing attitude."

There is no requirement that couples do pre-selections for their guests. If they don't feel like doing registries, they are not being rude or even "making it inconvenient for their guests" by not doing so.  Guests can give cards and have no further gift-giving obligation, because they have no gift-giving obligation in the first place.

Jen4948

duplicate post

beethery

I am not making gift-giving inconvenient for my guests by not having a registry. We do not expect gifts. If any guest asks about a registry, I or my mom or FMIL, can tell them that we don't have one and that we just want to have a great party with our guests before we go on our honeymoon. Any gifts we do receive will be graciously accepted and the gift-giver will be sent a thank you note immediately. It is not that fucking hard.