Moms and Maids

OP deleted.

hicocohicoco Chicago member
100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
edited June 2014 in Moms and Maids

Re: OP deleted.

  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited June 2014
    As long as I can remember, I've always said I wanted to have Co-Maids of Honor when I got married so that I could have my sister and my BFF. My sister and I are close, but not best friends. We often have a strained relationship and she does not live in the same state as I do. I can't really explain it, but I just don't have the same connection to her that I have to some of my friends and she isn't really "into" a ton of wedding talk. Every time I ask her opinion on an idea I have, she doesn't like it and doesn't have anything positive to say.

    When I first asked my sister to be MOH, I mentioned I was thinking about a 2nd MOH and asked what she thought. She said I could do whatever I wanted, but she didn't think it would be necessary. 3 months later, my sister has not been able to attend any of our appointments or planning sessions. She's also not the type of person to spend an hour discussing napkin colors, whereas my BFF is. My BFF has come to everything so far, is helping plan and really taking on a lot. She would never think of asking for the MOH title and she doesn't expect it.

    Yesterday, I said to my sister that I really thought it was fair & right to ask my BFF to be a Co-MOH. I explained my reasons; my sister can't be here for the little, daily things. She will still stand next to me, give the speech at the wedding and help plan the bachelorette. It will be less work for her. And honestly, this is purely what I want. 

    Understandably, my sister was upset. She said this is the most hurt she has ever been in her life and she can't believe I am taking this away from her. She says she knows we aren't THAT close, but that a sister should always be the MOH no matter what. You guys don't know my sister, but she is one of those people that is always concerned about herself and how a situation affects her. Not once did she say she would go along with it for my sake. I was very calm at first but gradually started getting irritated, because I felt like if she truly wanted what was best for me and wanted me to have what I want for my wedding (trying not to play that card a lot), she would just do it. She now has backed out of plans we have this weekend and refuses to speak to me. She said she will let me know if she still wants to be in the wedding at all. 

    I genuinely feel terrible that she's upset. I don't want this experience to be ruined for her. But I also think I should be able to make the decision I want. I know that I can say "ok, nevermind, I won't have anyone else" but then I feel like she is bullying me into getting HER way (something she does a lot with various people). 

    Comments, ideas, suggestions?
    It sounds like your sister is behaving no differently than she ever has. Why were you expecting anything different?
    melbelleupOliveOilsMom
  • zitiqueen said:
    As long as I can remember, I've always said I wanted to have Co-Maids of Honor when I got married so that I could have my sister and my BFF. My sister and I are close, but not best friends. We often have a strained relationship and she does not live in the same state as I do. I can't really explain it, but I just don't have the same connection to her that I have to some of my friends and she isn't really "into" a ton of wedding talk. Every time I ask her opinion on an idea I have, she doesn't like it and doesn't have anything positive to say.

    When I first asked my sister to be MOH, I mentioned I was thinking about a 2nd MOH and asked what she thought. She said I could do whatever I wanted, but she didn't think it would be necessary. 3 months later, my sister has not been able to attend any of our appointments or planning sessions. She's also not the type of person to spend an hour discussing napkin colors, whereas my BFF is. My BFF has come to everything so far, is helping plan and really taking on a lot. She would never think of asking for the MOH title and she doesn't expect it.

    Yesterday, I said to my sister that I really thought it was fair & right to ask my BFF to be a Co-MOH. I explained my reasons; my sister can't be here for the little, daily things. She will still stand next to me, give the speech at the wedding and help plan the bachelorette. It will be less work for her. And honestly, this is purely what I want. 

    Understandably, my sister was upset. She said this is the most hurt she has ever been in her life and she can't believe I am taking this away from her. She says she knows we aren't THAT close, but that a sister should always be the MOH no matter what. You guys don't know my sister, but she is one of those people that is always concerned about herself and how a situation affects her. Not once did she say she would go along with it for my sake. I was very calm at first but gradually started getting irritated, because I felt like if she truly wanted what was best for me and wanted me to have what I want for my wedding (trying not to play that card a lot), she would just do it. She now has backed out of plans we have this weekend and refuses to speak to me. She said she will let me know if she still wants to be in the wedding at all. 

    I genuinely feel terrible that she's upset. I don't want this experience to be ruined for her. But I also think I should be able to make the decision I want. I know that I can say "ok, nevermind, I won't have anyone else" but then I feel like she is bullying me into getting HER way (something she does a lot with various people). 

    Comments, ideas, suggestions?

    It sounds like your sister is behaving no differently than she ever has. Why were you expecting anything different?

    Also, everything I bolded? There are no "duties" for the MOH other than to show up for the wedding in her dress and smile for the pictures. Everything else, like planning the wedding? That's on you and your FI. If she wants to help you, great. But she is not required to do anything you.

    melbelleupdoeydo
  • The Knot is being assy.

    OliveOilsMom
  • hicocohicoco Chicago member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    That wasn't really helpful at all
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I think MOH is just a title, but I know some take it more seriously. If a bridesmaid takes on more duties and wants to help without the Co-MOH title, then why does she need it? Some people just aren't into the wedding planning thing and some people love being involved in every detail. You should definitely let your BFF know how much you appreciate her help but if the title isn't important to her and it is to your sister....maybe it would be easier to just let it go.
  • hicocohicoco Chicago member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Thanks, @lbuet348, yours is the only kind and helpful answer I have received so far. I appreciate it.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I agree with @ibuet348.  It is just a title.  I think it was a little silly of your sister to insist that the MOH title always goes to the sister, but if she said that, it seems like it means a lot to her.  I think it would already be too late to make your friend a second MOH - like a PP said, it would look like you are just promoting her at this point, and so maybe not that helpful. 
    My suggestion, which you can feel free to take or not, is to mention to your friend how grateful you are for all her help, and that you appreciate her not just for that help but for how much she has supported you.  And then do something nice for her that is non-wedding related as a thank-you, like taking her out for dinner.  As for you sister, tell her that you have taken her feelings into consideration and have decided not to make your friend a co-MOH (she may be seeing it as being demoted).  It sucks that she is essentially getting what she wants after she has acted childish about it, and I don't like the idea that you feel like you are giving in, but if you want to salvage the relationship, unfortunately that is what you might have to do.   
    I hope that this works out!  And I hope your sister stops acting this way and threatening your relationship with her over something like a MOH title. 

  • That wasn't really helpful at all

    Sure it was. Your sister is behaving the way she always has and I'm asking why you would expect her to behave any differently.
    NYCMercedesAddieCakeAuroraRose41Emmy1493
  • Thanks, @lbuet348, yours is the only kind and helpful answer I have received so far. I appreciate it.


    You got helpful answers. What you wanted, but didn't request, was for us to pat you on the head and say that you're right and your sister is a big ol' meanie and how dare she not put her life on hold for your wedding??!?? Wrong board for that, pumpkin. Try Wedding Bee.

    Bubblegum5586OliveOilsMomdoeydoAddieCake
  • hicocohicoco Chicago member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    kerbohl, I appreciate your input. That's sort of what I am leaning towards now. Might be more trouble than it's worth, I guess.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • hicocohicoco Chicago member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    Maggie0829, but I appreciated the actual helpful and insightful answers as opposed to the ones where people were being rude and judgmental.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • KeptInStitchesKeptInStitches the Northern Plains member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    lc07 said:
    I think we need a PSA about what being bridesmaids and MOH really means. I don't mean to sound elitist but it was kind of just common sense to me. I asked my sister, who lives 3,000 miles away from me, to be my MOH because she is the closest human being to me on this earth and I love her and wanted to honor her. 

    SHE told me she was grateful for the honor but was concerned that she didn't deserve it since she wasn't here with me to plan parties and help with wedding planning. I explained to her that that was not why I was choosing my MOH. I was choosing the person that I wanted to stand next to me while I said vows to my future husband. And that I wanted to honor her in front of all of my friends and family. Period. 

    I believe that is the spirit in which choosing your bridal party was intended.
    Did you and I pick the same MOH? Mine is ~1500 miles away, but that was her first concern as well. I really hate the "wedding industry" for putting this expectation on people.
    lc07

  • I was a BM in my BFF's wedding and her sister was her MOH. Her sister lived far away and had 4 kids so she wasn't able to be around much. I lived the closest to the bride (of all 7 BMs) and LOVE weddings. I jumped in deep to help her with everything! Not because I was trying to take the MOH title but because I love my friend and I wanted to help!

    Let your friend help and make sure you let her know she is appreciated but why are you stirring up unnecessary drama if everything was fine the way it was? I assume your BFF was standing second anyways? So the only difference will be how she is listed in your programs (IF you even have programs.) Focus on planning your wedding and marrying your soulmate and stop trying to rank/tier your friends and family.
    image


    Anniversary
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited June 2014
    Ain't nobody got time for that.

    Rebl90 said:
    Who spends an hour looking at napkin colors?? That's what I want to know.

    OliveOilsMom
  • KaurisKauris member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Was thinking the same thing! I hope you're planning a wedding like 5 years out if you spend this much time on such insignificant things like napkin colors.
    doeydo
  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    I only came to this thread for the DD.
    image



    Anniversary
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Thanks, @lbuet348, yours is the only kind and helpful answer I have received so far. I appreciate it.

    This is incredibly rude.
    AddieCakechibiyuiashley8918
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