Chit Chat

Feeling unappreciated

Ever since I lost my job, I have been working my butt off at home to get all our stuff packed for the move, spent mornings applying for jobs, and have been doing all the housework so FI doesn't have to do any.

Then, when FI comes home, he quizzes me about what I did that day, like I have to prove that I didn't sit around doing nothing. Then he whines about how bored he is at work, and all I can think is "at least you still have a job."

I'm feeling really unappreciated. Am I totally out of line?

Daisypath Anniversary tickers
eyeroll

Re: Feeling unappreciated

  • No your not. It is hard to be out of work and even harder when the people around you don't realize it. (((Hugs))))
  • Maybe you shouldn't do anything for a day SO he can actually tell the difference. That's really uncool of him to be doing that though. You should talk to him about how he is making you feel.
    image
  • Have a little Hoarders party for him. Sit him down on the couch, put on the show, and dump a basket of his dirty clothes onto his lap.

    Then tell him you do fucking plenty and are not required to respond to his housework questionnaire if he doesn't want shit to end up on the TV.
    --

    I'm the fuck
    out.

    image
  • Inkdancer said:
    Ever since I lost my job, I have been working my butt off at home to get all our stuff packed for the move, spent mornings applying for jobs, and have been doing all the housework so FI doesn't have to do any.

    Then, when FI comes home, he quizzes me about what I did that day, like I have to prove that I didn't sit around doing nothing. Then he whines about how bored he is at work, and all I can think is "at least you still have a job."

    I'm feeling really unappreciated. Am I totally out of line?

    I was in the same position when I moved across the country to be with FI.  It took me much longer to find a job than I planned and quickly found myself getting irritated with the same questions everyday about what I did, the little jokes, everything.

    I finally sat down with him and explained out that was making me feel.  He was genuinely surprised that I was hurt, he said he kept checking in with me because he knew how depressed I was about not being able to contribute, and he didn't want me slinking into the dumps/giving up.  He was making little jokes to try and cheer me up.  While I appreciated what he was TRYING to do, he was going about it the wrong way and we got it all cleared up.

    So just address it before you bottle it up some more.  I know how frustrating it is.  *hugs*
    Anniversary

    image
  • Just have a talk with him on how it makes you feel.

    When DH gets home from work I ask about his day.  He in turns asks what I did all day.  It's just what we do.   I'm sure the "quizzing" isn't meant to check up on you, but just a normal conversation couples have when they haven't seen each other all day.

    I've been out of work at one point also, so I know how you feel.   It's frustrating looking for a job.  Sometimes it makes you feel unworthy.    






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • ElcaBElcaB member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Muppet gave some great advice. He may not even realize it's making you feel crummy. 
    image
  • BreMRBreMR member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I know exactly how you feel. I lost my job many months ago and my FI seems to be getting more bitter about me being home (mostly because I think he's jealous) but he doesn't seem to realize how much I'm saving our household in daycare... When I call him out for making comments he says "I'm only giving you a hard time, I'm joking" It doesn't feel like a joke. We also have always kept our own finances and had a shared account, and I have enough in my savings account to keep me afloat for a couple more months.. so it really is not affecting him in any way. It's annoying.
    image
  • Have you let him know how you feel? 
  • I am so sorry about your job, That is an awful position to be in. And I totally know exactly how housework can keep you busy all day. I could find chores to do around the house 24/7 if I didn't have to go to work/if I didn't make myself sit down and relax. There is always so much to do!  The way your FI is treating you isn't acceptable either. I get that he might be stressed about making ends meet on one income, but he needs to not take that out on you in the form of being accountable to him for reporting what you did all day. He isn't your boss and needs to not treat you like a subordinate in this. You two are in this together.
    image
  • gmcr78gmcr78 member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    lyndausvi said:
    Just have a talk with him on how it makes you feel.

    When DH gets home from work I ask about his day.  He in turns asks what I did all day.  It's just what we do.   I'm sure the "quizzing" isn't meant to check up on you, but just a normal conversation couples have when they haven't seen each other all day.

    I've been out of work at one point also, so I know how you feel.   It's frustrating looking for a job.  Sometimes it makes you feel unworthy.   



    *SITB*

    This.  He probably doesn't realize it's coming across that way, and the way you are feeling right now may be making you a bit more defensive than usual.  Talk to him about how it's making you feel and hopefully he will cut it out.
  • It is totally normal to feel this way. I went through the same thing with FI when I first got laid off. I finally got annoyed with him and FSS acting like I spent all day with my wine watching tv and went on strike. He didn't realize how much time I actually spent cleaning, cooking, and applying for jobs. It wasn't until he came home one day and dinner wasn't on the table and last night's dishes weren't done that he realized I was being productive most days.
    image
  • I am so sorry about your job, That is an awful position to be in. And I totally know exactly how housework can keep you busy all day. I could find chores to do around the house 24/7 if I didn't have to go to work/if I didn't make myself sit down and relax. There is always so much to do!  The way your FI is treating you isn't acceptable either. I get that he might be stressed about making ends meet on one income, but he needs to not take that out on you in the form of being accountable to him for reporting what you did all day. He isn't your boss and needs to not treat you like a subordinate in this. You two are in this together.
    I'm not sure I would completely jump to this conclusion. 

     It's not unusual for couples (or anyone living together) to ask "what you did all day".  I know DH and I do everyday.    

    Ink's FI might be coming home and say "Hi honey, what did you do all day?"   all happy and generally wanted to know.  Maybe it was more exciting then his day?  DH gets jealous when I have a day off and watch a movie or hang with the dogs.       

    On the other side, he might be coming home all "Yo bitch, what hell did you do all day?"  All judgmental and stuff.  That would be unacceptable.

    Ink is feeling down from being unemployed and understandably  might be more sensitive about the questioning.   I was the same way.  I felt guilty not having a job and I would take a simple question like "what did you do all day" into some inquisition.   Once I talked to DH, he wasn't questioning what I did, but just like I asked about his day he would ask about mine.

    Not being there we just do not know.   But without her talking to him and giving him the chance to change it's not fair to say he is behavior is unacceptable.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • InkdancerInkdancer member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited June 2014

    lyndausvi said:
    I am so sorry about your job, That is an awful position to be in. And I totally know exactly how housework can keep you busy all day. I could find chores to do around the house 24/7 if I didn't have to go to work/if I didn't make myself sit down and relax. There is always so much to do!  The way your FI is treating you isn't acceptable either. I get that he might be stressed about making ends meet on one income, but he needs to not take that out on you in the form of being accountable to him for reporting what you did all day. He isn't your boss and needs to not treat you like a subordinate in this. You two are in this together.
    I'm not sure I would completely jump to this conclusion. 

     It's not unusual for couples (or anyone living together) to ask "what you did all day".  I know DH and I do everyday.    

    Ink's FI might be coming home and say "Hi honey, what did you do all day?"   all happy and generally wanted to know.  Maybe it was more exciting then his day?  DH gets jealous when I have a day off and watch a movie or hang with the dogs.       

    On the other side, he might be coming home all "Yo bitch, what hell did you do all day?"  All judgmental and stuff.  That would be unacceptable.

    Ink is feeling down from being unemployed and understandably  might be more sensitive about the questioning.   I was the same way.  I felt guilty not having a job and I would take a simple question like "what did you do all day" into some inquisition.   Once I talked to DH, he wasn't questioning what I did, but just like I asked about his day he would ask about mine.

    Not being there we just do not know.   But without her talking to him and giving him the chance to change it's not fair to say he is behavior is unacceptable.
    Yeah, I think it's more "hey I want to make sure you aren't depressed and spending all day in your bathrobe watching The Princess Bride 11 times in a row." But when I'm already feeling shitty about not having a job, it feels like "bitch why are you sitting around my house doing nothing" when what he actually said was "so what did you do today?" in a neutral tone of voice.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    eyeroll
  • lyndausvi said:
    I am so sorry about your job, That is an awful position to be in. And I totally know exactly how housework can keep you busy all day. I could find chores to do around the house 24/7 if I didn't have to go to work/if I didn't make myself sit down and relax. There is always so much to do!  The way your FI is treating you isn't acceptable either. I get that he might be stressed about making ends meet on one income, but he needs to not take that out on you in the form of being accountable to him for reporting what you did all day. He isn't your boss and needs to not treat you like a subordinate in this. You two are in this together.
    I'm not sure I would completely jump to this conclusion. 

     It's not unusual for couples (or anyone living together) to ask "what you did all day".  I know DH and I do everyday.    

    Ink's FI might be coming home and say "Hi honey, what did you do all day?"   all happy and generally wanted to know.  Maybe it was more exciting then his day?  DH gets jealous when I have a day off and watch a movie or hang with the dogs.       

    On the other side, he might be coming home all "Yo bitch, what hell did you do all day?"  All judgmental and stuff.  That would be unacceptable.

    Ink is feeling down from being unemployed and understandably  might be more sensitive about the questioning.   I was the same way.  I felt guilty not having a job and I would take a simple question like "what did you do all day" into some inquisition.   Once I talked to DH, he wasn't questioning what I did, but just like I asked about his day he would ask about mine.

    Not being there we just do not know.   But without her talking to him and giving him the chance to change it's not fair to say he is behavior is unacceptable.
    That is true. I don't know the context, really, and shouldn't have been so emphatic about it. I was thinking a few other couples I know that are going through similar things. In these cases I do know the context which is borderline passive aggressive, so I think I was projecting a little. The text update was really cute and convinces me I'm wrong more than anything else. I'm glad I'm wrong about this.
    image
  • I'm in the opposite position as you. DH was laid off when his company downsized in January so he's home all day looking for a job and I'm at school/work all day. He was also bothered by the "what did you do today" question because it made him feel like I was being judgemental, but if I asked "how was your day" he was okay with that. I didn't ask "what did you do today" to judge at all. It was a conversation starter to discuss each others' days. I had no idea it was upsetting him until he said something.

    Anniversary
  • larrygagalarrygaga member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited June 2014
    I am currently unemployed, so I know how you are feeling. Thankfully, we went through a whole year where he was unemployed for the most part. So he knows how to tread carefully around me.

    There is a difference between "How was your day?" and "What did you do all day?". Please be sure he knows the difference.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    image

  • Totally not out of line. And I'm glad he texted you and realized how he may have been making you feel!

    BF and I just recently had the "I work harder than you do!" Fight. He works a conventional M-F 9-530 . . .  I don't. I have 3 part time jobs where I work 38hrs one week, and 46 then next. So I'm still working full time hours - just no benefits (. . . .yay. . . ) But because I don't have the "standard" shifts- he doesn't think I work as hard. So we had a bit of a tif about it. Not to mention the fact that the nights I work, he usually comes home, sits on the computer, and at least half the time waits for me to get home - then I cook dinner (he's been much better about this one - and always cleans up the kitchen if I'm the one that cooks). While on my days off, I do the laundry, clean the kitchen, vacuum, and usually have dinner ready for when he gets home. Needless to say - I wouldn't' say I 'won' the fight - but he just didn't think about the things I pointed out to him. And he made some points that I hadn't taken into consideration either. Its all perspective - and being able and willing to see the other persons side.
    Either way - I think its a normal debate within a relationship, and I'm really glad that he realized and apologized. 
    Keep on swimming @Inkdancer!! I'll keep my fingers crossed for a new position for you soon!!
                                    Daisypath Wedding tickers


    image
  • LabLove86 said:
    Totally not out of line. And I'm glad he texted you and realized how he may have been making you feel!

    BF and I just recently had the "I work harder than you do!" Fight. He works a conventional M-F 9-530 . . .  I don't. I have 3 part time jobs where I work 38hrs one week, and 46 then next. So I'm still working full time hours - just no benefits (. . . .yay. . . ) But because I don't have the "standard" shifts- he doesn't think I work as hard. So we had a bit of a tif about it. Not to mention the fact that the nights I work, he usually comes home, sits on the computer, and at least half the time waits for me to get home - then I cook dinner (he's been much better about this one - and always cleans up the kitchen if I'm the one that cooks). While on my days off, I do the laundry, clean the kitchen, vacuum, and usually have dinner ready for when he gets home. Needless to say - I wouldn't' say I 'won' the fight - but he just didn't think about the things I pointed out to him. And he made some points that I hadn't taken into consideration either. Its all perspective - and being able and willing to see the other persons side.
    Either way - I think its a normal debate within a relationship, and I'm really glad that he realized and apologized. 
    Keep on swimming @Inkdancer!! I'll keep my fingers crossed for a new position for you soon!!
    I work with and know a ton of people who are working multiple part time jobs right now. I honestly think that is harder than one secure full time job, and way more stressful!
    image
  • Totally not out of line, and I'm glad FI texted you! I think this is a rough time for you both - and maybe what seems like quizzing on his part really isn't. You will get through this, it seems that you guys make a great team :)
                                 Anniversary
    imageimageimage


     

This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards