Wedding Etiquette Forum

What would you rather?

So I'll try to keep this brief. The resort where we and many of our DW guests will be staying is all-inclusive. That was a major contributing factor in deciding where to stay because we felt like it would be the easiest for our guests to determine whether coming was financially feasible. Although there's a very good chance that all of our guests will also be staying at the same resort, therefore meals are included with their stay, 90% of the restaurants on site consider anything over a table of 4-6 a "group dining" situation that they then apply extra fees to. We have been looking at options to host a rehearsaless-rehearsal dinner and would be willing to pay the fees. If the fees are larger than taking everyone off the resort and our paying for dinner, that would be alright by me as well. The last possible scenario is the resort buffet, the only restaurant that won't subject us to said group dining fees. For a myriad of reasons including but not limited to the fact that I don't like buffets my opinion is to just skip the dinner altogether if it looks like it will be cost prohibitive. Mr. Everhart thinks this sounds like sour grapes. It's just not that important to me, having a group dinner the night before that I think it's worthwhile wasting a night's worth of dining at a sub-par restaurant for us or our guests. Would you rather be on your own for dinner at a better restaurant of your choosing or at a buffet that isn't that great but with the group you traveled to hang out with?
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Re: What would you rather?

  • Every OOT wedding I've gone to we naturally fall into groups for meals. So I guess I would prefer the buffet if that means we would all be together. What happens if everyone doesn't stay at the resort. Are they out of luck?






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    So I'll try to keep this brief. The resort where we and many of our DW guests will be staying is all-inclusive. That was a major contributing factor in deciding where to stay because we felt like it would be the easiest for our guests to determine whether coming was financially feasible. Although there's a very good chance that all of our guests will also be staying at the same resort, therefore meals are included with their stay, 90% of the restaurants on site consider anything over a table of 4-6 a "group dining" situation that they then apply extra fees to. We have been looking at options to host a rehearsaless-rehearsal dinner and would be willing to pay the fees. If the fees are larger than taking everyone off the resort and our paying for dinner, that would be alright by me as well. The last possible scenario is the resort buffet, the only restaurant that won't subject us to said group dining fees. For a myriad of reasons including but not limited to the fact that I don't like buffets my opinion is to just skip the dinner altogether if it looks like it will be cost prohibitive. Mr. Everhart thinks this sounds like sour grapes. It's just not that important to me, having a group dinner the night before that I think it's worthwhile wasting a night's worth of dining at a sub-par restaurant for us or our guests. Would you rather be on your own for dinner at a better restaurant of your choosing or at a buffet that isn't that great but with the group you traveled to hang out with?
    If you're not having a rehearsal, you don't need a rehearsal dinner. So honestly, I'm with you: if it's cost prohibitive, I'd skip dinner altogether.

    However, if the Mr wants to host a group dinner, here's what I'd tell him: I'd give him a budget and he can figure it out on his own.

    As your guest, I wouldn't really be upset either way. I wouldn't expect to be invited to a group dinner unless I was in the wedding and there was a rehearsal (and therefore, this group dinner would be the rehearsal dinner). Additionally, folks can always decline the group dinner invitation if they don't want to join you. As for buffets, I don't mind them at all, and I often expect them at group dinners. So I don't think you'd be disappointing your guests if you went that route.
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  • lyndausvi said:
    Every OOT wedding I've gone to we naturally fall into groups for meals. So I guess I would prefer the buffet if that means we would all be together. What happens if everyone doesn't stay at the resort. Are they out of luck?

    SIB**

    If we go off the resort Mr. Everhart and I would be obligated to host the dinner, because if we're inviting everyone to a meal they have not budgeted, that seems like it should fall in the category of things we should host. We're not having a rehearsal we just sort of thought we'd stick with tradition of a group meal the night before since we figured most guests would expect it and we know our very immediate families would. If we stayed with the buffet no one would have to pay because the resort is AI. I just don't want our guests side-eyeing a buffet but at the same time I'm not sure we want to add another huge expense to the budget. 
  • phira said:
    So I'll try to keep this brief. The resort where we and many of our DW guests will be staying is all-inclusive. That was a major contributing factor in deciding where to stay because we felt like it would be the easiest for our guests to determine whether coming was financially feasible. Although there's a very good chance that all of our guests will also be staying at the same resort, therefore meals are included with their stay, 90% of the restaurants on site consider anything over a table of 4-6 a "group dining" situation that they then apply extra fees to. We have been looking at options to host a rehearsaless-rehearsal dinner and would be willing to pay the fees. If the fees are larger than taking everyone off the resort and our paying for dinner, that would be alright by me as well. The last possible scenario is the resort buffet, the only restaurant that won't subject us to said group dining fees. For a myriad of reasons including but not limited to the fact that I don't like buffets my opinion is to just skip the dinner altogether if it looks like it will be cost prohibitive. Mr. Everhart thinks this sounds like sour grapes. It's just not that important to me, having a group dinner the night before that I think it's worthwhile wasting a night's worth of dining at a sub-par restaurant for us or our guests. Would you rather be on your own for dinner at a better restaurant of your choosing or at a buffet that isn't that great but with the group you traveled to hang out with?
    If you're not having a rehearsal, you don't need a rehearsal dinner. So honestly, I'm with you: if it's cost prohibitive, I'd skip dinner altogether.

    However, if the Mr wants to host a group dinner, here's what I'd tell him: I'd give him a budget and he can figure it out on his own.

    As your guest, I wouldn't really be upset either way. I wouldn't expect to be invited to a group dinner unless I was in the wedding and there was a rehearsal (and therefore, this group dinner would be the rehearsal dinner). Additionally, folks can always decline the group dinner invitation if they don't want to join you. As for buffets, I don't mind them at all, and I often expect them at group dinners. So I don't think you'd be disappointing your guests if you went that route.

    SIB***

    That's good to know. I've always had a negative feeling toward them in general but I'm sure this is a personal issue. If people would find this acceptable it may be the best bet.
  • What about talking with the resort management about those "extra fees"? Part of what the resort is getting is great advertising, a chance to woo some new customers. Maybe they'd think about a flat fee (much like restaurants charge 18% gratuity for large groups).
  • I think if people are spending money and traveling to attend your DH wedding, it would be nice of you to host a get together for a meal the night before (whether you pay or it's included in the resort).  If you didn't organize anything and left me on my own, I'd definitely side-eye that.  I would hope not to travel all that way and still only see you at the wedding.  I'm not a huge fan of buffets, but I would gladly take that over no planned pre-wedding events.
  • JoanE2012 said:

    I think if people are spending money and traveling to attend your DH wedding, it would be nice of you to host a get together for a meal the night before (whether you pay or it's included in the resort).  If you didn't organize anything and left me on my own, I'd definitely side-eye that.  I would hope not to travel all that way and still only see you at the wedding.  I'm not a huge fan of buffets, but I would gladly take that over no planned pre-wedding events.

    I agree. Although, there will be a few (completely optional) pre-planned events that arent going to be organized around a meal per se. We'd really like to have a night-before dinner (sans actual rehearsal) I'm just concerned a buffet is a little too casual. I just needed to hear "friends and family would certainly rather eat at a buffet and spend time together than not" from someone other than Mr. Everhart bc I was concerned he was only viewing the scenario through "wow, free buffet" (insert Vegas style lights and noises here) type blinders.

  • How far are these people travelling for your wedding? It certainly isn't required but I also would side eye nothing planned for guests the night before. Personally, since I am not a fan of DWs, I think you need to go above and beyond, which might mean taking on extra costs to host a nice dinner. 
  • How far are these people travelling for your wedding? It certainly isn't required but I also would side eye nothing planned for guests the night before. Personally, since I am not a fan of DWs, I think you need to go above and beyond, which might mean taking on extra costs to host a nice dinner. 
    Yeah, the more I think about it, I'd probably pay the fee to have an organized dinner in one of the "nice" restaurants.  Your guests are spending alot on your wedding (airline, hotel, wedding gift, etc)......I think paying the fee for a nice meal is the least you can do.  How much is the fee?  What would be the approximate breakdown per guest?
  • JoanE2012 said:
    How far are these people travelling for your wedding? It certainly isn't required but I also would side eye nothing planned for guests the night before. Personally, since I am not a fan of DWs, I think you need to go above and beyond, which might mean taking on extra costs to host a nice dinner. 
    Yeah, the more I think about it, I'd probably pay the fee to have an organized dinner in one of the "nice" restaurants.  Your guests are spending alot on your wedding (airline, hotel, wedding gift, etc)......I think paying the fee for a nice meal is the least you can do.  How much is the fee?  What would be the approximate breakdown per guest?

    Stuck in the box: 
    Since the guests are already paying for the dinner through the all inclusive, I can't imagine it would be more than a dinner at a normal restaurant. 
    OP, what are you doing for your reception?
  • syoun1nj said:
    You're already married,. So no rehearsal dinner or rehearsal-less dinner is necessary.
    Uh oh....what did I miss?! 
  • lc07lc07 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    JoanE2012 said:
    syoun1nj said:
    You're already married,. So no rehearsal dinner or rehearsal-less dinner is necessary.
    Uh oh....what did I miss?! 
    Surprised you missed it. It comes up so regularly. OP is already married and is having a PPD.
  • lc07 said:
    JoanE2012 said:
    syoun1nj said:
    You're already married,. So no rehearsal dinner or rehearsal-less dinner is necessary.
    Uh oh....what did I miss?! 
    Surprised you missed it. It comes up so regularly. OP is already married and is having a PPD.
    Oh FFS.  I just did some digging and found the PPD thread.

    OP - Shame on you for inviting your friends and family to not only a FAKE wedding, but a DESTINATION fake wedding!  Not only are you lying to your guests, it's like you're stealing their money (the money they paid to travel to what they think is your wedding!).   I'm thoroughly disgusted.  How anybody could do this to people they care about is beyond me.  If I were a guest and I found out about this, I'd disown you.  There is no reason, NONE, to justify a DESTINATION PPD.  
  • lc07lc07 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    JoanE2012 said:
    lc07 said:
    JoanE2012 said:
    syoun1nj said:
    You're already married,. So no rehearsal dinner or rehearsal-less dinner is necessary.
    Uh oh....what did I miss?! 
    Surprised you missed it. It comes up so regularly. OP is already married and is having a PPD.
    Oh FFS.  I just did some digging and found the PPD thread.

    OP - Shame on you for inviting your friends and family to not only a FAKE wedding, but a DESTINATION fake wedding!  Not only are you lying to your guests, it's like you're stealing their money (the money they paid to travel to what they think is your wedding!).   I'm thoroughly disgusted.  How anybody could do this to people they care about is beyond me.  If I were a guest and I found out about this, I'd disown you.  There is no reason, NONE, to justify a DESTINATION PPD.  
    Her friends and family wouldn't care, though, she's sure of it. *insert really creepy wide eyed smile*
  • KaurisKauris member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    FI hates buffets. I went to a DW where everyone was just hosted for dinner at Carlos and Charlies, it was relatively inexpensive and a blast. I'd go that route if it's feasible. 
  • So sure they wouldn't care but yet she still is not telling them?  Sure OP.  You're not only lying to your guests, your lying to yourself.  The whole thing is a big, hot, disgusting mess.  
  • MobKazMobKaz member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    JoanE2012 said:
    lc07 said:
    JoanE2012 said:
    syoun1nj said:
    You're already married,. So no rehearsal dinner or rehearsal-less dinner is necessary.
    Uh oh....what did I miss?! 
    Surprised you missed it. It comes up so regularly. OP is already married and is having a PPD.
    Oh FFS.  I just did some digging and found the PPD thread.

    OP - Shame on you for inviting your friends and family to not only a FAKE wedding, but a DESTINATION fake wedding!  Not only are you lying to your guests, it's like you're stealing their money (the money they paid to travel to what they think is your wedding!).   I'm thoroughly disgusted.  How anybody could do this to people they care about is beyond me.  If I were a guest and I found out about this, I'd disown you.  There is no reason, NONE, to justify a DESTINATION PPD.  
    There are other threads as well, if you have the fortitude to read through them.  They can be literally sickening to read.
  • Buffet is fine. But how much is the extra fee for the hosted served dinner? I would consider that as well. 

    My parents don't like buffets much, nor do I. Germophobes, all of us. But my venue recommended a buffet for our brunch, so that's what we're doing. We got over it pretty quickly when all the other things we wanted lined up. I'm sure your guests would be fine with a buffet, as it will be an occasion to see friends and family where they will not have to pay for their meal. The night before/ rehearsal dinner tends to be more casual anyway. And, ps- my grandparents love buffets. love them. 
  • lilybet13 said:
    Question: If guests are paying to stay at an AI, then they're also paying for their food, right? How does that work for "hosting" a meal, if everyone is essentially paying his/her own and the hosts are only paying some seating fee?

    I don't really know how it works with large groups at AIs when one wants to host events.
    I wondered this too. I don't know why it's such a big deal since it can't be that big of a price. 

    OP, your sham will come out and there will be some people who will never forgive you for it. Despite what you may think, people don't always share their real thoughts because they're trying to be classier than you.
  • Ouch, a DPPD? I'd be so pissed if I spent all that money to go to a DW and I found out it was a DPPD.
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  • Yeah, I'd much prefer the truth over a buffet dinner. 
  • Buffets are totally fine. That's the least of your worries.
  • This is why I do not like All Inclusives for DWs.  

    When I go to a DW, I expect 1, maybe 2 nights for free.  Going to an all inclusive, you are essentially paying for every night.

    And what if people don't stay at the All Inslusive resort?  
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  • I'd prefer you pay to have a group thing at a nice restaurant.
    My second choice would be - hey everyone we're going to eat at the buffet at this time if you'd like to join us. - which I would be like Lynda I prefer family dining at a buffet to eating alone at nicer place.

    Actually I'd prefer you pay to "host" several meals during the time most of the guest came. I would be there to spend time with you and would feel jilted if I only saw you on the wedding day...why would I pay to go vacay with you if I wasn't going to at least eat with you on occasion?
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • I think buffets are fine.  People should be more concerned with the bacteria they are carrying around on their flip-flops while they walk around town, than picking up germs from other ppl at a buffet.  You guys know that you likely are carrying MRSA on your shoes right now, right? ;-)

    I'm not sure I understand the expectation that ppl traveling to a DW should be invited to some hosted event with the B&G the night before the wedding, or else it's rude.  Do ppl also expect the same if they are going to an OOT wedding stateside?

    The last several weddings I have been to were all OOT for me and I did not expect to see the B&G the night before the wedding, let alone expect to be invited to a hosted dinner or social event.  Nothing of the sort was planned, I never saw the couple until their wedding day, and I didn't feel slighted.

    Am I missing something?





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