MOB Offended HELP!!!

Knottie69986870

This past weekend I was with my fiancé visiting his family and his mother and I were discussing wedding planning. It's no secret his family is more well off than mine. His parents this weekend have us a check to cover a portion of the wedding in any way we wanted, only rule was it couldn't go to the rehearsal because they wanted to plan and pay for that. Yesterday I was with my mom and we started going over the vision thinking of themes and what I wanted and I mentioned what his parents had done and my mom took great offense to it. She feels that when my FH and I accepted the money it said my family isn't capable if providing a wedding up to his family'a standards. I don't know what to do about the situation or how to go about fixing it. Please help me!!!

lyndausvi

My SIL family was the same way.  My parents are well off and MOB took great offense to them even offering to help with the wedding.   She felt it was "her responsibility" and how dare they imply they could not afford to give their daughter and proper wedding.

Yeah, no.  My parents are old school and think the groom's family pays for things like the open bar (my family are huge drinkers), flowers and some other 'traditional" stuff.      So after some back and forth the MOB "agreed" that my parents could pay for that stuff.

So what I would do is look up some old school wedding books and show your mom that "traditionally" the groom's family paid for things like flowers, the transportation and sometimes the open bar.   Maybe that would make her feel better.     

offensivekitten2

I would recommend sitting down with her and going over the cost of the wedding. What she plans to cover/the size of the guest list, etc. Right now she may be offended, but just let her know that the money wasn't given in that spirit.

Trust me, once she into the nitty gritty of calculating the cost, that money will look less and less offensive.

satuttle1014

I have never had this happen so I will try to give the best advice I can. I'm sure your future mother in law was not trying to offend your family, she probably thought she was making it easier on your family however that is not the case. If you don't feel right using the money or don't want to, explain in a nice way how you feel and that it was a nice gesture but your family would like to pay. Things will happen, people will get upset but do what works best for your family. I'm sure everyone just wants you to have your dream wedding, there are ways to cut the budget so you can have everything you want. Maybe if you mother in law wants to pay for something, may in small purchases not really a huge expense.

twitterbird

My fiancé's mom (his parents are divorced) gave us a nice chunk of money to go towards the wedding. She gave his brother the same amount. My mom lives on a pension and doesn't have the money to give a huge amount but did offer some money and to cover the flowers. We're contributing to the wedding as well. Lots of pots of money. My mom was a little put out at first but she did get over it. She wanted to cover the flowers and after found a small amount of money to contribute as well. I would find something specific that your mom can pay for. Go over the budget that is required for the wedding that you really want with her so she can see what weddings cost today.

Emmy1493

Before we started planning anything with our wedding, MIL sat us down and said she wanted to help pay for the wedding. I wanted to object, but she insisted because that is what she did for H's other two siblings. So I agreed, no strings attached. When my mom asked about how we planned on paying for it all, it came out that IL's were wanting to help with it. I could tell it kinda stung for her. My mom is a single parent putting her last kid through HS and makes it apparent to me all the time how bad her money situation is. 

So I never thought to ask for help, and never wanted to as it is not her job to pay for anything. But while planning, she always had to interject ideas, and what she thought we should do. I tried to be polite, but it got to the point where I had to say no. Her feelings were hurt, and she asked why she didn't get input and IL's did. I told her in the sweetest way possible, that IL's were paying, so even though strings were not attached I didn't want to be rude and keep them out of it. My mom then was like, well I am helping too. I looked at her and said..really? 

My mom wanted to help but I know she did not have it. I let her help with some ideas, but if she was pushing stuff on me, NOPE. No more. She never really ended up helping financially, but I did not fret over it. She got over her hurt feelings and I never brought up financials with her anymore. I hope all works out with your parents. It might sting for a bit, but they should be grown enough to get over it and know you can take care of it.

NYCMercedes

This was a gift to FI and to you. It should not concern your mom in any way. Is she going to compare gifts the next fifty years for birthdays, Christmas, etc.? 

 I do like the idea above of using it for more traditional groom "responsibilities". 

I have put away equal amounts of money for my three children's weddings. This isn't the fifties anymore. 

thisismynickname2

I can understand how she may feel offended as it's fairly traditional for the family of the bride to pay for most of the festivities.  Like others have said, it's also fairly outdated now.  I think there are also other cultural elements to it (ever seen the movie Bend it Like Beckham? "We'll show them, we're not poor people").  

Add me to the list of folks with multiple "pots" of money, with FI's parents giving the most and no strings attached besides the number of guests.  Since their family is bigger than mine, we anticipated most of the guests belonging to them, so it made sense for them to pay so much. 

As PP's have said, maybe once you start crunching numbers, the offense will fade. 

ohannabelle

If the groom's family wants to offend me with money, I'll have a frikking parade in their honor. 

Honestly, go the "traditional" route with your mother. Explain that in many families, it's traditional for the groom's family to pay for flowers, or whatever, and see if that eases her concern. 

RebeccaB88

And, if your mom absolutely will not budge, maybe your FIL's will be okay with you using their check towards your honeymoon?

KatieinBkln

Ugh, money stuff is so sensitive. I get why your mom might feel stung. On the other hand, she really doesn't get to say what you do with a gift from someone else. She might be happier if she pays for the wedding and you use the IL's funds for a down payment on a house or a lavish honeymoon or [insert X thing here that isn't The Wedding Itself], but truly, it isn't up to her. 

I recall my parents refusing to let my sister's ILs pay for the booze at her wedding--not out of any sense of being offended that they thought they couldn't afford it, but rather because in my parents' circle, the bride's family pays for the wedding, and the groom's for the rehearsal. And, as my dad pointed out to the FIL, he had two daughters, himself, and would likely be paying for their weddings, if he was so inclined. So it's interesting to me to hear that the groom's family paying for liquor/flowers/whatever is actually a tradition! I had no idea. 

I do think PPs are right that telling your mother about this tradition might soften the blow. I also think going the opposite direction might work, too. Tell her the groom's parents are so NON-traditional that it never occurred to them that your mom would be expected to pay for the whole thing in this day and age.

Of course, the most honest route is also a perfectly lovely option: to gently tell her that the IL's money was freely given, without any thought to her situation, and that neither you nor your FI nor anyone else was trying to make a comment on her finances. That you know you aren't entitled to having your wedding paid for by anyone but yourselves, and that being grateful for the IL's generosity doesn't diminish whatever support she has to give--whether it's a blowout luxury event or simply her love and support.

RebeccaFlower

I get tradition, but I think traditional wedding cost breakdown in 2014 is absolutely stupid when most people live on their own by the time they are married. My parents gave me a set amount as a gift to do whatever we wanted with (house, wedding, vacation, savings). H's parents also gave us money, but it was less than half of what they gave their daughter and I think that is wrong to give that much of a difference based on gender. 

I think being offended by a monetary gift made out of love is absurd. It's not 1850 and we're paying dowries.

blabla89

If your parents are able and planning to pay for the wedding, could you put FIL's gift toward the honeymoon? Traditionally that was paid by the groom's family. Otherwise, I second the PP's suggestion to tell them it's for some other thing traditionally paid for by the groom's family.

CMGragain

My daughter lives in Maryland with her husband and my grandson.  The other grandparents live close to them, and see them often.  They are financially secure, but not affluent.  We live in Colorado, and, yes, we have money.  We paid for the wedding.
Now that my beautiful grandson is in the picture, I envy the other grandparents.  They see him often, and help with babysitting, so the couple can go out occasionally.  They were at the baptism.
All we can do is to throw money at the kids.  I am paying to fly them out in the fall.  Things.  Money.  I would rather give hugs.  I am setting up a trust fund for future education.  I hope the other grandparents don't mind. 

lilacck28

CMGragain said:

My daughter lives in Maryland with her husband and my grandson.  The other grandparents live close to them, and see them often.  They are financially secure, but not affluent.  We live in Colorado, and, yes, we have money.  We paid for the wedding.
Now that my beautiful grandson is in the picture, I envy the other grandparents.  They see him often, and help with babysitting, so the couple can go out occasionally.  They were at the baptism.
All we can do is to throw money at the kids.  I am paying to fly them out in the fall.  Things.  Money.  I would rather give hugs.  I am setting up a trust fund for future education.  I hope the other grandparents don't mind. 

I'm sure they won't. That is very generous of you. Education and love are the best gifts. 

short+sassy

Ugh! I hate this kind of attitude. Soooo...because historically (and still very much in the present day) it has been totally unfair that the bride and her family usually pays for most/all of the wedding...it makes it offensive if the groom's family offers up financial help? That's the way it SHOULD be. Caveat: not saying any parent is obligated to financially help with their child's wedding, but it's awful the burden usually falls on the bride and her family even in this day and age.

Zhabeego

Your in-laws gave you a gift. It is inappropriate and unbecoming for your mother to ascribe such gross intentions behind it. Their gift to you has zero to do with your parents let alone for them to assume it's some sort of comment on their financial situation. Tell your mother to get the chip off her shoulder. Your FIL's gift to you is not an insult to her and ultimately none of her business.

indianaalum

My best piece of advice is to not discuss who gives you money to others. That is meant to be private and is really nobody's business but your own 

MuppetOverlord

I understand why your mother is hurt. If my parents had any money at the time of my wedding, my dad would've been offended. He was heart broken that he couldn't contribute to mine.

I would simply have a conversation with her that tells her the money was not intended to have any other meaning than a gift towards your new lives together and is available towards the wedding.

I wouldn't bring it up again to them until you need to, and if you don't, keep it to plan an amazing honeymoon or save it towards your home.