Sister/MOH whining (update in comments)

wandajune6

Our invitations arrived last night but the corresponding conversation with my sister/MOH/best friend has put me into a funk.

My sister and FSIL have been offering to help me address invitations because FI and I both have awful handwriting. I messaged both yesterday when they arrived and asked to schedule time to work on them together. I thought that pizza, beer, and invitations could prove to be a fun night. I wouldn't have asked had they both not offered. Now that I'm getting married, she keeps offering to help with all sorts of wedding things - particularly when she has an audience -  but she's always too busy to actually do anything.

I was my sister's MOH when she got married 5 years ago and she turned me into a total brideslave- all while I was working full-time, spent 2.5 hours in the car commuting each day, and was applying to graduate school. I spent over $2K on her wedding while completely broke from school visits and application fees. On top of that, I keep hearing how my wedding won't be as classy as hers and insinuates that I'm being too cheap on everything. She didn't save any money, went into credit card debt, and borrowed money from our parents that she has still not paid back. We decided to cover the wedding (mostly) on our own though I haven't really addressed the subject with her.

To make matters worse, a previous comment from my sister about my wedding being a low priority lead me to inadvertently hurt my mom's feelings. My mom's crazy busy and seems hands off about wedding stuff so I haven't involved her in a lot. Apparently I crossed a huge line by ordering my centerpieces without talking to her first. I figured that if my sister didn't care about my wedding, my mom wouldn't either. I butchered that one!

I'm not asking a lot. She's not throwing me a shower and my oldest friend/BM has offered to help her throw a bachelorette (she'd love to do it herself but doesn't want to be step on my sister's toes). To date, she went dress shopping with me and my mom for about 3 hours, went for lunch with my BMs so they could meet for about 2 hours, and spent an hour trying on dresses with the BMs on another event. FI or my parents have babysat her daughter on each occasion. She lives on the north side of the city but works close to me. FI's family and the friends who are in the wedding live much closer to me. She'll whine endlessly about how far she has to drive when we meet anywhere even remotely convenient to the group, though she goes even further for work daily. It took her until 2 weeks ago to finally visit our home.

She's my identical twin sister, MOH and theoretical best friend but I feel like she's putting me down. So I stopped talking to her about wedding stuff. And now she's feeling left out because I'm spending lots of time with FSIL on wedding-related craft projects. FSIL's excited about helping and thinks it's a blast. I love the help and am having fun- movie nights with crafting!

Overall, my feelings are hurt and I feel like I can't win. I know weddings always cause family drama - and we've had a bit of that - but I really didn't expect them to change my relationship with my sister.

littlemushroom

I know how you feel.  My sister and mom have been asking what they can do to help, that they will do anything they can to help just let them know, etc, since I got engaged.  Then when I actually do need help with something, like finding photographer options or hair/makeup options to pick from, they act like it is a huge imposition to have to look up stuff online.

All photographers' portfolios look the same to me.  I can't tell a "good" picture from a "bad" one. Every one I showed my mom she said their pictures were crappy.  So I asked her to go online and find me some options that she thought had good pictures.  In the end, she gave me 2 of the same ones I had already mentioned and she said weren't good and someone that lives 2 hours away and had no pictures online.  Then she said she refused to help because I would blame her if the pictures were bad!  I couldn't believe she would act like that after practically begging for things to help me with.

I couldn't find any hair/makeup options online when I was searching, so I asked my sister if she would try to find some too.  She acted all put out and didn't want to.  Then when she thought she couldn't come to my first dress fitting (she was there when I found the dress and helped me pick it, and when I bought the dress) she was so upset she was sobbing and accusing me of trying to exclude her.

That seems to be the way it is.  The things I don't need help with they are all about being there, but the things I do actually need help with they don't want to do.  Sorry I don't have any advice for you.  But I do know exactly how you feel about being in a no-win situation.  I hope it gets easier for you!  

NYCMercedes

wandajune6 said:

Our invitations arrived last night but the corresponding conversation with my sister/MOH/best friend has put me into a funk.

My sister and FSIL have been offering to help me address invitations because FI and I both have awful handwriting. I messaged both yesterday when they arrived and asked to schedule time to work on them together. I thought that pizza, beer, and invitations could prove to be a fun night. I wouldn't have asked had they both not offered. Now that I'm getting married, she keeps offering to help with all sorts of wedding things - particularly when she has an audience -  but she's always too busy to actually do anything.

I was my sister's MOH when she got married 5 years ago and she turned me into a total brideslave- all while I was working full-time, spent 2.5 hours in the car commuting each day, and was applying to graduate school. I spent over $2K on her wedding while completely broke from school visits and application fees. On top of that, I keep hearing how my wedding won't be as classy as hers and insinuates that I'm being too cheap on everything. She didn't save any money, went into credit card debt, and borrowed money from our parents that she has still not paid back. We decided to cover the wedding (mostly) on our own though I haven't really addressed the subject with her.

To make matters worse, a previous comment from my sister about my wedding being a low priority lead me to inadvertently hurt my mom's feelings. My mom's crazy busy and seems hands off about wedding stuff so I haven't involved her in a lot. Apparently I crossed a huge line by ordering my centerpieces without talking to her first. I figured that if my sister didn't care about my wedding, my mom wouldn't either. I butchered that one!

I'm not asking a lot. She's not throwing me a shower and my oldest friend/BM has offered to help her throw a bachelorette (she'd love to do it herself but doesn't want to be step on my sister's toes). To date, she went dress shopping with me and my mom for about 3 hours, went for lunch with my BMs so they could meet for about 2 hours, and spent an hour trying on dresses with the BMs on another event. FI or my parents have babysat her daughter on each occasion. She lives on the north side of the city but works close to me. FI's family and the friends who are in the wedding live much closer to me. She'll whine endlessly about how far she has to drive when we meet anywhere even remotely convenient to the group, though she goes even further for work daily. It took her until 2 weeks ago to finally visit our home.

She's my identical twin sister, MOH and theoretical best friend but I feel like she's putting me down. So I stopped talking to her about wedding stuff. And now she's feeling left out because I'm spending lots of time with FSIL on wedding-related craft projects. FSIL's excited about helping and thinks it's a blast. I love the help and am having fun- movie nights with crafting!

Overall, my feelings are hurt and I feel like I can't win. I know weddings always cause family drama - and we've had a bit of that - but I really didn't expect them to change my relationship with my sister.

NikkiJay3333 said:

I know how you feel.  My sister and mom have been asking what they can do to help, that they will do anything they can to help just let them know, etc, since I got engaged.  Then when I actually do need help with something, like finding photographer options or hair/makeup options to pick from, they act like it is a huge imposition to have to look up stuff online.

All photographers' portfolios look the same to me.  I can't tell a "good" picture from a "bad" one. Every one I showed my mom she said their pictures were crappy.  So I asked her to go online and find me some options that she thought had good pictures.  In the end, she gave me 2 of the same ones I had already mentioned and she said weren't good and someone that lives 2 hours away and had no pictures online.  Then she said she refused to help because I would blame her if the pictures were bad!  I couldn't believe she would act like that after practically begging for things to help me with.

I couldn't find any hair/makeup options online when I was searching, so I asked my sister if she would try to find some too.  She acted all put out and didn't want to.  Then when she thought she couldn't come to my first dress fitting (she was there when I found the dress and helped me pick it, and when I bought the dress) she was so upset she was sobbing and accusing me of trying to exclude her.

That seems to be the way it is.  The things I don't need help with they are all about being there, but the things I do actually need help with they don't want to do.  Sorry I don't have any advice for you.  But I do know exactly how you feel about being in a no-win situation.  I hope it gets easier for you!  

I'm so sorry for both of you. Family should always have your back! It's almost noon so you could have a glass of wine. 

JCbride2015

I've been feeling very let down by my family lately*, too. Not anything specific. It's just that planning a wedding really puts existing issues into sharp relief, ya know? I got a little choked up reading @lolo883's thread about her dad, with everyone's cute dad stories, because it was just like, my dad has never done anything like that for me.  

Sending hugs. Sister issues are really tough. Maybe she is having some jealousy that you are getting the attention over the wedding? Regardless, just try not to let it bother you and focus on the great family you have and how much fun your wedding will be. 

*Edited for autocorrect

wandajune6

JCbride2015 said:

I've been feeling very let down by my family lately*, too. Not anything specific. It's just that planning a wedding really puts existing issues into sharp relief, ya know? I got a little choked up reading @lolo883's thread about her dad, with everyone's cute dad stories, because it was just like, my dad has never done anything like that for me.  

Sending hugs. Sister issues are really tough. Maybe she is having some jealousy that you are getting the attention over the wedding? Regardless, just try not to let it bother you and focus on the great family you have and how much fun your wedding will be. 

*Edited for autocorrect

You're probably on to something about jealousy. We've always sort of traded off being the center of attention: she got married, I graduated from a big deal graduate program, she had a baby, now I'm getting married. She wasn't terribly excited for me when I was doing grad school so this is just a continuation of the trend. I never really thought about it as jealousy though.

wandajune6

@NikkiJay3333 - I know what you mean! I've made it a point not to ask anyone to do anything wedding related. I don't care about hair and makeup, I don't care about matching dresses, etc. I've been about as laid back as is possible.

I think both my mom and sister would have liked it if I involved them in things like photographers and DJs. I avoided it because we can't afford their tastes. They both pushed me to use the photographer my sister used. When she got married, the company was just getting started and was cheap. They're now much bigger, 3x more expensive, and get crappy reviews. Their entry level packages would take 25% of our total wedding budget. Not workable for us- yet I still keep hearing how I need to use them.

I can't win!

kla728

I don't have sisters but my mom has been pretty hands-off and while my BMs have volunteered help at different points, it seems that when push comes to shove things don't really work out.  It can be really disheartening.  Luckily, my FSIL is like super-BM and has been really helpful.  Maybe it is because she is also engaged versus my friends not being at that point yet?  

Anyway, I'm sorry your sister has been so difficult especially considering what you did for her.  I would handle it day to day and continue doing things with FSIL as long as she is willing to help.

wandajune6

Thanks, @NYCMercedes! My family is normally amazing- we're the people that everyone is jealous of! Somehow things have just gone downhill with wedding-related activities. Outside of the wedding, all is fine. They adore FI, we all get along, etc. I've just got my feelings hurt.

theartistformerlyknownas

JCbride2015 said:

I've been feeling very let down by my family lately*, too. Not anything specific. It's just that planning a wedding really puts existing issues into sharp relief, ya know? I got a little choked up reading @lolo883's thread about her dad, with everyone's cute dad stories, because it was just like, my dad has never done anything like that for me.  

Sending hugs. Sister issues are really tough. Maybe she is having some jealousy that you are getting the attention over the wedding? Regardless, just try not to let it bother you and focus on the great family you have and how much fun your wedding will be. 

*Edited for autocorrect

Ugh I sorries @JCbride2015. Hugs to you and @wandajune. I'll come help you both! I have 5 sisters already and 3 more FSILs added to the mix; 2 more will fit right in!

wandajune6

Ugh. I called my mom earlier to ask a question about our invitations. We had a nice conversation at first but she ended with "why do you suddenly care about etiquette now when you've been willy nilly about all of it so far?"

Ouch.

When my sister got married, the groom wanted to wear a tux and my dad really didn't want to. It was important to my sister that the guys all match so they decided on suits. But she didn't like my dad's suits (he had at least a dozen) so she made him buy a new one, leading to very hard feelings. She pulled similar crap with my mom. To avoid all of that, FI's wearing a tux (which is important to him) and I told my dad he could rent one if he wanted - but I'd buy him a tie that matches if he just wants to wear a suit. My dad always dresses well but I'd be happy if he walked me down the aisle in one of his beloved Hawaiian shirts- I just want him there. I made a big point about how I don't care what people wear as long as they're present and happy. Apparently, trying to avoid drama and hurt feelings means that I don't care about etiquette.FML

theartistformerlyknownas

Ummm... letting people wear what they want sounds like pretty damn good etiquette to me. Maybe your mom would care to read the "etiquette versus tradition" thread.

wandajune6

lolo883 said:

Ummm... letting people wear what they want sounds like pretty damn good etiquette to me. Maybe your mom would care to read the "etiquette versus tradition" thread.

Thank you!

My mom wants a formal, elegant wedding filled with family and their friends. That's what my sister had, at the expense of my BIL's family and friends. We made the decision to go with something less elegant but to invite (almost) everyone that we would like. Everyone will be well-hosted but there will be no $100 centerpieces, no $1K cake and a much less elegant location. The last wedding my parents attended was for the daughter of a couple they're friends with. The wedding cost magnitudes more than ours will and was filled with celebrity friends of the family. I can't compete nor do I want to. I'm pretty sure my mom's concerned that we'll embarrass her.

I sometimes feel like she's using "etiquette" interchangeably with "tradition" and "class."

KatieinBkln

Ugh, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like paring back on wedding discussion with both your sister AND your mom is in order. 

Although I do not think you'd be out of line to call both of them out when they say shitty things. Like, when your mom says you "suddenly" care about etiquette, or your sister makes a snide remark about the relative fanciness of your party, it may very well take the wind out of their sails and make them tone it down if you just say, "Wow, that's a really hurtful thing to say." You don't have to defend yourself (they wouldn't listen) and you don't have to cry and make a big deal, but you don't have to bottle this up, either. They may not even realize they're being jerky. It seems obvious to an outsider (and to you, the target!) but I've found that families sometimes cross boundaries with each other just because they're a bit too comfortable with each other. A gentle reality check might be all it takes to get them to rein it in. I hope so, since it sounds like you really love your family and want to continue being close with them.

wandajune6

KatieinBkln said:

Ugh, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like paring back on wedding discussion with both your sister AND your mom is in order. 

Although I do not think you'd be out of line to call both of them out when they say shitty things. Like, when your mom says you "suddenly" care about etiquette, or your sister makes a snide remark about the relative fanciness of your party, it may very well take the wind out of their sails and make them tone it down if you just say, "Wow, that's a really hurtful thing to say." You don't have to defend yourself (they wouldn't listen) and you don't have to cry and make a big deal, but you don't have to bottle this up, either. They may not even realize they're being jerky. It seems obvious to an outsider (and to you, the target!) but I've found that families sometimes cross boundaries with each other just because they're a bit too comfortable with each other. A gentle reality check might be all it takes to get them to rein it in. I hope so, since it sounds like you really love your family and want to continue being close with them.

You're definitely right. I actually called my mom back to tell her that she hurt my feelings this morning. Unfortunately, she hasn't called me back.

I don't talk about my wedding much with family. I respond to questions and give the occasional update (for example, I told my mom the day we started our wedding registry and ordered the cake) but no one seems interested so I don't say much.

KatieinBkln

Aw, I'm sorry. I wish they were giving you the support you need.  

wandajune6

I called my mom about a wedding-related question (I'm inviting her friend and didn't know the long-term boyfriend's name) and ended up having a conversation. She said "why do you suddenly care about etiquette now when you've been so willy nilly about it up until now?"

I got off the phone and cried until FI told me that I needed to call her. He was right. My mom was equating etiquette with tradition and told me that no offense was meant. She told me how proud she is of me about how accommodating and thoughtful I've been with everything/one. She also told me that she's amazed at how much work I've done and how lovely everything is going to be on a budget. She also said that she's been staying out of my way because she's overwhelmed with my gramma (she needs a lot of care) and doesn't want to put any pressure on me.

When I brought up my sister, my mom reminded me that my sister looks for any reason to avoid doing things - but usually comes through in the end.

It's what I needed. I'm still ticked at my sister and don't know that that will change anytime soon. However, I'm feeling much better with my mom and am feeling much less alone.

I'm pretty sure my mom said something to my sister because I'm suddenly getting emailed tons of wedding ideas. She's offered to help with the invitations but I'm not sure I want to wait until she's got time- 3 weeks from now. However, I'll still take it as a positive sign.

Thanks for all of the advice- and for allowing me to vent!