Wedding Etiquette Forum

Potential family drama...WWYD?

This is partially just a vent, but also looking for advice on how to preemptively diffuse some probable family drama. FI and I are getting married in October. We decided to wait and not go on our honeymoon immediately after the wedding because of schedule conflicts, and we were also trying to figure out where we wanted to do/go. Finally last month we decided on a Mediterranean cruise for May 2015 - cruise and pre/post-cruise hotels are all booked/paid for. A week later we hear from FI's father that FI's cousin "A" (who got engaged months ago) and her FI finally picked their wedding date - which will be smack in the middle of our trip. FMIL is upset because she thinks once A's mom finds out, she and their 3rd sister will make FMIL's life a living hell by bitching about it nonstop (FI's extended family can easily thrive on stupid drama), and told us to think about changing the dates of the cruise. FI asked another of his cousins about it and that cousin told us that he thinks it "will cause issues" if we miss the wedding and that we should cancel and reschedule the honeymoon. I believe that we can't plan our lives to please other people, especially when A and her FI didn't check dates with family members other than her immediate family (which, I know isn't necessary and more of a courtesy to begin with, but I also think that if it was really that important for FI and I to be there, she would've checked with us to make sure we could do that date.) FI and A have never got along so it's not like they're close to begin with, but I will be flabbergasted if either of his aunts came straight out and request that we change our honeymoon to accommodate his cousin. The specific cruise we booked was because May was still considered "mid/shoulder season"; postponing even 1 month would raise the cruise prices by $300/person, and both the airline and hotel prices will also go up because June is the start of high season. Also, I just don't feel like having to justify FI and my choices. (We did buy trip insurance that will give us until 90 days before the cruise to cancel at 100% refundable, but for issues such as job or medical, not a 24 y/o cousin and her mom throwing a diva-style tantrum, so I feel this little fact is besides the point.) Which of the following would likely be the best course of action? 1) Say nothing, and if it comes up, bean dip them. 2) Say that we are not changing the dates of our trip no matter what. 3) Consider changing the trip to appease everyone. 4) Other (write below)
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Re: Potential family drama...WWYD?

  • casey8784 said:
    This is partially just a vent, but also looking for advice on how to preemptively diffuse some probable family drama. FI and I are getting married in October. We decided to wait and not go on our honeymoon immediately after the wedding because of schedule conflicts, and we were also trying to figure out where we wanted to do/go. Finally last month we decided on a Mediterranean cruise for May 2015 - cruise and pre/post-cruise hotels are all booked/paid for. A week later we hear from FI's father that FI's cousin "A" (who got engaged months ago) and her FI finally picked their wedding date - which will be smack in the middle of our trip. FMIL is upset because she thinks once A's mom finds out, she and their 3rd sister will make FMIL's life a living hell by bitching about it nonstop (FI's extended family can easily thrive on stupid drama), and told us to think about changing the dates of the cruise. FI asked another of his cousins about it and that cousin told us that he thinks it "will cause issues" if we miss the wedding and that we should cancel and reschedule the honeymoon. I believe that we can't plan our lives to please other people, especially when A and her FI didn't check dates with family members other than her immediate family (which, I know isn't necessary and more of a courtesy to begin with, but I also think that if it was really that important for FI and I to be there, she would've checked with us to make sure we could do that date.) FI and A have never got along so it's not like they're close to begin with, but I will be flabbergasted if either of his aunts came straight out and request that we change our honeymoon to accommodate his cousin. The specific cruise we booked was because May was still considered "mid/shoulder season"; postponing even 1 month would raise the cruise prices by $300/person, and both the airline and hotel prices will also go up because June is the start of high season. Also, I just don't feel like having to justify FI and my choices. (We did buy trip insurance that will give us until 90 days before the cruise to cancel at 100% refundable, but for issues such as job or medical, not a 24 y/o cousin and her mom throwing a diva-style tantrum, so I feel this little fact is besides the point.) Which of the following would likely be the best course of action? 1) Say nothing, and if it comes up, bean dip them. 2) Say that we are not changing the dates of our trip no matter what. 3) Consider changing the trip to appease everyone. 4) Other (write below)

    1.
  • I like options 1 and 2. Start with the first part of one (say nothing.) If anyone brings it up, I'd just go straight to option 2 and say "we aren't changing our honeymoon. It's all booked." rather than bean dip. 
  • that is, unless there are dates pre June/ not on the day of the wedding that suit you. But it didn't sound like there were any. 
  • (apologies for the long paragraph - website deleted them all - stupid formatting!)
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  • phiraphira member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    No worries, TK has been deleting paragraphs like a pro.

    I'd go with #1. Everything's booked. Your absence won't ruin the wedding. I think there's this idea some families have that EVERYONE has to go to EVERY wedding, and there are NO good reasons for declining. I got a lot of shit because I had planned to go on a trip with friends and then I found out my uncle's wedding was going to be shortly before the end of the trip. It would have been possible, but very, very difficult and expensive, for me to go on the trip and go to my uncle's wedding ... so I went on the trip. My uncle didn't mind, nor did the majority of my family ... but  my grandmother was REALLY upset.

    OH FUCKING WELL. They still got married, it didn't damage our relationship, and everything's fine.
    Anniversary
    now with ~* INCREASED SASSINESS *~
    image
  • lilacck28 said:
    that is, unless there are dates pre June/ not on the day of the wedding that suit you. But it didn't sound like there were any. 
    exaclty - the one we booked is a 12-night cruise; so adding in a couple buffer days on either end and then a couple traveling days, it'll be close to 3 weeks. The cruise lines doesn't offer this itinerary in winter months, and only 1 per month for the most part. 

    Because of this, I have a feeling that if one of his aunts starts on me about it when I am in a particularly snarky mood, I can see myself saying something along the lines of, "Oh, we can definitely reschedule for June or July - as long as you pay for the price difference between the two." (Which we just priced out would be an increase of over $2,000 considering the cruise, plane tickets, and hotels would be at their high season rates!)...smh.
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  • I'd go for option 1.
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited June 2014
    #1.  You owe no one apologies.  A wedding invitation is not a court summons.  Decline your cousin's wedding invitation, and send her a nice gift.  It will be fine.
    Which cruise line did you choose?  I've done European cruises with Princess and with Holland America.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • Absolutely 1. 
    If Auntie A and Auntie B love drama so much that they'll have hissy fits, you're almost doing them a favor by giving them something to carry on about. They should enjoy themselves.

    As Mary Poppins said, start as you mean to go on. Don't start your lives with your family being manipulated by a pack of drama llamas. Send a pretty card and nice gift with your regrets, and enjoy your honeymoon.
  • I'd also vote for number one, followed by number 2 if pushed.

    I have a few friends and family members who aren't able to attend our wedding because of pre-planned trips.  Sure it's a little disappointing, but them's the breaks.
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  • Rebl90Rebl90 member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    Another vote for 1, and 2 if they don't let up.  This is your HM, don't let them get in the way of that or make it more stressful than it needs to be.  It's their mess-up, not yours.

    Enjoy your cruise next year!
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  • Another vote for #1 and 2. Say nothing now. If you get pushed, just tell them that everything is completely booked and prepaid and has been for some time, and you are sorry that you'll miss the wedding. Then send them a nice gift, and go enjoy your honeymoon.
  • not everyone can attend a wedding i had close family that would have loved to come to the wedding but they had other stuff going on well in advance before the save the dates came out and i understood. that they had other things going on and could not make it.

    go on your vacation if they ask say we had this vacation planned a year in advance we are both so sorry to be missing your special day. any good bride/groom would truley understand

    anyone else not understanding has major issues 
  • I would go with #1 then #2 if pressed.  I wouldn't mention them covering the cost of changing it, because you never know.  Super special snowflakes just might do it.  You've booked it end of story. 

    Have fun on your trip!!
  • Definitely option 1 and then 2 if necessary! 

    If one of my cousins couldn't come to our wedding, sure I'd be a little disappointed but I'd understand!

    The only people we ran our date by were our parents, grandparents, and bridal party.
  • mysticl said:
    I vote numb 1 as well.  When the invite comes RSVP "no'.  If you get questioned explain how sorry you are but you booked this trip a year in advance and it's just not possible to reschedule.  
    Ditto this. 
  • @CMGragain - We ended up choosing Norwegian for the honeymoon. (I've been on Norwegian and also Princess a few times for Caribbean cruises; enjoyed the both, Norwegian just allowed our budget to be stretched a bit more)

    To all the other PPs - thank you! I'm hoping that FI's family will just be understanding and let it go, but he's still worried that it will be a problem. If anything, I'll show him this thread to show him that (sane) people know that things like this come up but it doesn't have to be drama-filled...lol :)
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  • I would go with #1. It doesn't sound as if FH and his cousin are particularly close, so I don't see why it should create so much family drama. 

    image
  • Another vote for #1. Not everyone can attend weddings. Sounds like your FI's cousin needs to take a trip on the whaambulance.
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  • #1 and then #2 if pressed.  If it was sooo important that you attened, FI's cousin would have checked with him before pulling a date out of her ass. . . which by the way, unless she has actually paid a deposit on a ceremony and reception venue, all she has done is pulled a date out of her ass.

    No one "has a date" until you actually book your ceremony/reception sites.

    So if FI's family can't take the hint when you apologize but say you aren't changing the dates of your honeymoon, turn around and suggest the cousin change her wedding date!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • I would reschedule, but I'm close with all my cousins.
    If it were DH's cousin I probably would send our regrets and nicer than normal gift, bc he's not as close with his.
    I don't think you have to reschedule, but I would try and attend bc it would cause waves, but more importably bc I would want to be there...but that's me, not you.
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • lc07lc07 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would not even consider postponing the honeymoon to attend their wedding.
  • I wouldn't postpone it, but I'd make it sound like you did everything in your power to try to postpone it but it's just not feasible. It sounds like you have looked into the possibility of changing the dates--I'd just make a few more phone calls to know for SURE what you're estimating is true, and then drop it. When the wedding comes up you just say "I wish we could come, but we had already booked our trip to the Mediterranean! As soon as we found out your dates we called our travel agent, but it's just not feasible to reschedule. We'll so be looking forward to seeing the pictures when we get back, and we'd love to take you out for a nice celebratory dinner". 
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