My mother is starting to make this HER wedding...

andyleemrrs

So my parents are paying for the ENTIRE wedding basically. I am paying for small things here and there but this is mostly being thrown by them so this is why I feel backed into a corner.

My mother is planning the wedding with me. And it has been a blast! However the closer we get to the wedding, she is starting to demand that I do certain things. She wants country music played at the wedding along with Elvis P. oldies. I don't mind playing an Elvis song for the Mom and Groom dance but I am NOT a fan of country. She says that it is not just my wedding and that other people are going to be there so I have to entertain them with music they know. Secondly, I chose my own cake topper. My fiance and I are total NERDS and I found this adorable Harley Quinn and Joker cake topper on Etsy. Its just the silhouette of them kissing. She FREAKED out. I can just tell that this wedding is going to be everything my mom wants. I have given in to ALOT I have not listed up top. Every time I try to make my own decisions on the wedding, she says I have to get it approved by her first. Is this right? This is my first wedding and only I hope so I have no clue if I am just being silly or if the paying party gets the final vote. Thanks for reading! Any advice would be great!

Jen4948

andyleemrrs said:

So my parents are paying for the ENTIRE wedding basically. I am paying for small things here and there but this is mostly being thrown by them so this is why I feel backed into a corner.

My mother is planning the wedding with me. And it has been a blast! However the closer we get to the wedding, she is starting to demand that I do certain things. She wants country music played at the wedding along with Elvis P. oldies. I don't mind playing an Elvis song for the Mom and Groom dance but I am NOT a fan of country. She says that it is not just my wedding and that other people are going to be there so I have to entertain them with music they know. Secondly, I chose my own cake topper. My fiance and I are total NERDS and I found this adorable Harley Quinn and Joker cake topper on Etsy. Its just the silhouette of them kissing. She FREAKED out. I can just tell that this wedding is going to be everything my mom wants. I have given in to ALOT I have not listed up top. Every time I try to make my own decisions on the wedding, she says I have to get it approved by her first. Is this right? This is my first wedding and only I hope so I have no clue if I am just being silly or if the paying party gets the final vote. Thanks for reading! Any advice would be great!

Unfortunately, "s/he who pays gets a say" so if you're not okay with what your mother wants, you have to take her money out of the wedding, pay for it all yourself, and not discuss details with her.

vsgal

If your parents are paying, they get to decide how their money gets spent. In all aspects of the wedding.   You do not have the right to dictate how she wants to spend money.  

If you want to have specific things or do specific things, then you need to pay for them.  You want the cake topper, you pay for it and  the cake.  You want certain music played, you pay for the DJ. 

She is very right on one point.  It stops being your wedding when you invite people.  The reception is for the guests, not the bride/groom.  It is a thank you to your guests for joining you on your wedding day.  You receive them, which is why it is called a reception.  You do need to take your guests perspective into consideration when planning the event. 

andyleemrrs

Then honestly I don't even want a wedding. If it is going to be her wedding, then why have one is my point.

andyleemrrs

And also, for the things I want I am paying for. The cake topper, bar upgrades, shoes.

mrsbanany

Definitely "he who pays has the say" is the rule. However, I think you should talk to your mom is you are having problem. For example, my parents are also paying for my entire wedding and at our venue the package includes dessert (tarts, chocolates, etc.) but no wedding cake. We have the option of exchanging the desserts listed for a cake for an additional $3pp. My mom LOVES the idea of the little tarts as dessert because "no one even likes cake". Regardless of the validity of that incredibly controversial statement, I want a wedding cake. After a long talk we came to a compromise and are having a small wedding cake and a dessert bar. It basically came down to the fact that my parents WANTED to host the wedding for us and they WANT us to be happy with it. So while in the end they do have the final say, your opinions matter to them because the reason they are hosting the wedding in the first place is because they love you and wanted to do something incredibly generous for you. I would find it very hard to believe that your mom is not up for any discussion. And if she is really against the cake topper and you must have it, you pay for it. Again, "he who pays has the say"

Maggie0829

andyleemrrs said:

Then honestly I don't even want a wedding. If it is going to be her wedding, then why have one is my point.

Then cancel and either save up and plan your own wedding or elope.

andyleemrrs said:

And also, for the things I want I am paying for. The cake topper, bar upgrades, shoes.

If you paid for the cake topper then just ignore her comment.  If you don't like her music choices then pay for the DJ.  Look unless your parents said "her is a check for $X as a gift, use it however you want" then they have a say (and a lot of it) over what is planned for your wedding.  It is their money so they do have a right to approve any and all of your decisions that involve money coming out of their pocket.

ohannabelle

Then you say to your mother: Mom, I love you and appreciate everything you've done, but at this point, I feel this is no longer our wedding, but a reflection of you and the party you'd like to have. So I hope you understand that we've decided not to go through with it, but cancel and get married later, when we can pay for it ourselves and do things to our taste. 

There it is. That's fair. 

Jen4948

Tell your mother, "Mom, this wedding won't happen at all if FI and I aren't getting married, regardless of who else is invited. Right now I feel like just canceling because you've been dissing everything we'd like to have and refusing to even entertain the idea of compromise with me. If it's so important to you to entertain people the way you want without regard to my and FI's feelings, then why don't we just cancel this wedding and you can throw the party of your dreams that has nothing to do with my getting married. FI and I will save up for our own wedding and marry when we're ready. But if you really want to be part of my wedding now, then I need you to accept that we are not willing to have our feelings about what we want be totally shunted aside for the event of your dreams, and that means that the criticism needs to stop and there will need to be some compromises between what you want and what we want."

andyleemrrs

Yeah I am definitely picking my battles lol. Like with the music, I think I will try and compromise with her.

Lauderdale Pink

I love all the "emotionally based" comments, like give the money back.  Do ANY of you grasp the concept of CONTRACTS? These have been signed, deposits have been left, and there are probably fees associated with cancellations.

To the bride, a compromise can be had on the cake topper.  Add a groom's cake (your expense) and put your cake topper on that one.  As for music, yes your mother does get some choices, but the two of you need to sit with your person in charge of music (band leader or DJ). She should make some suggestions and so should you.  HOWEVER,  I am thinking that this person is a professional and experienced and should be put in charge of keeping the crowd entertained.  This person can generally read the crowd in 30 minutes and will know what to do if the party starts to lag.  Meeting with the music leader is probably one of the most important and overlooked meetings to have within weeks of the wedding.

@Jen4948, this is not the time for a little girl temper tantrum, which is what you are suggesting.

Maggie0829

Lauderdale Pink said:

I love all the "emotionally based" comments, like give the money back.  Do ANY of you grasp the concept of CONTRACTS? These have been signed, deposits have been left, and there are probably fees associated with cancellations.

To the bride, a compromise can be had on the cake topper.  Add a groom's cake (your expense) and put your cake topper on that one.  As for music, yes your mother does get some choices, but the two of you need to sit with your person in charge of music (band leader or DJ). She should make some suggestions and so should you.  HOWEVER,  I am thinking that this person is a professional and experienced and should be put in charge of keeping the crowd entertained.  This person can generally read the crowd in 30 minutes and will know what to do if the party starts to lag.  Meeting with the music leader is probably one of the most important and overlooked meetings to have within weeks of the wedding.

@Jen4948, this is not the time for a little girl temper tantrum, which is what you are suggesting.

Cancelling is still a possibility.  If the couple is truly unhappy with the wedding being planned then they can cancel if they want and pay any fees that cancelling would incur.  Then they are free to plan whatever wedding will make them happy with their own money.

AddieCake

You need to tell your mother how you feel. If she will not let up and still insists on planning the wedding she wants over what you want, then your options are to suck it up or to decline the money. 

mrsbanany

Lauderdale Pink said:

I love all the "emotionally based" comments, like give the money back.  Do ANY of you grasp the concept of CONTRACTS? These have been signed, deposits have been left, and there are probably fees associated with cancellations.

To the bride, a compromise can be had on the cake topper.  Add a groom's cake (your expense) and put your cake topper on that one.  As for music, yes your mother does get some choices, but the two of you need to sit with your person in charge of music (band leader or DJ). She should make some suggestions and so should you.  HOWEVER,  I am thinking that this person is a professional and experienced and should be put in charge of keeping the crowd entertained.  This person can generally read the crowd in 30 minutes and will know what to do if the party starts to lag.  Meeting with the music leader is probably one of the most important and overlooked meetings to have within weeks of the wedding.

@Jen4948, this is not the time for a little girl temper tantrum, which is what you are suggesting.

Like I said earlier, my parents are paying for my entire wedding.  We had a completely different wedding planned with about 5,000 paid in contracts but due to some personal issues we cancelled. Given they were different from what OP is saying but at the same time we were not happy and planning a wedding where you are not happy is the absolute worst.  We lost that $5,000 and are now going through with the planning process again with different scenarios and I can tell you that canceling the first one was probably the best decision we made.  We are saying to ourselves that our sanity was worth $5,000 and my parents agreed and are fine with it. So when it comes to money OP, ask yourself "what is my sanity worth" if you think its worth what has already been paid, then cancel and you will be much happier in the end. 

BlackLace2015

Lauderdale Pink said:

.

To the bride, a compromise can be had on the cake topper.  Add a groom's cake (your expense) and put your cake topper on that one.

Jen4948

Lauderdale Pink said:

I love all the "emotionally based" comments, like give the money back.  Do ANY of you grasp the concept of CONTRACTS? These have been signed, deposits have been left, and there are probably fees associated with cancellations.

To the bride, a compromise can be had on the cake topper.  Add a groom's cake (your expense) and put your cake topper on that one.  As for music, yes your mother does get some choices, but the two of you need to sit with your person in charge of music (band leader or DJ). She should make some suggestions and so should you.  HOWEVER,  I am thinking that this person is a professional and experienced and should be put in charge of keeping the crowd entertained.  This person can generally read the crowd in 30 minutes and will know what to do if the party starts to lag.  Meeting with the music leader is probably one of the most important and overlooked meetings to have within weeks of the wedding.

@Jen4948, this is not the time for a little girl temper tantrum, which is what you are suggesting.

Bullshit.  This is not a "little girl temper tantrum."  Or if it is, the one having it is the OP's mother, not the OP.

The OP is a fucking adult, and adults are allowed to have their own weddings.  That does however mean that they have to pay for it.  If the mother is the one paying for it and stamps her foot wanting her own way without regard for the OP, she can fucking eat the cost.  The OP and her FI have the right to their own wedding provided they pay for it.

jenna8984

Lauderdale Pink said:

I love all the "emotionally based" comments, like give the money back.  Do ANY of you grasp the concept of CONTRACTS? These have been signed, deposits have been left, and there are probably fees associated with cancellations.

 

I very much disagree as someone who just canceled theirs yesterday, 3 months til the date. Everything I booked was with non-douchecanoes so all my deposits are being refunded and the only money I'm losing is the $75 in invitations.

We didn't cancel the marriage, we are still getting married on that date but decided our whole thing planned just wasn't what we wanted. I feel relieved that we made the decision we did.

CMGragain

OP, you have three options:

1.  Let your mother have her way.  Less drama.
2.  Pick your battles, and negotiate for what you want.  Communicate with your Mom, and tell her that you are grateful, but the plans are making you unhappy.
3.  Tell Mom the wedding is off.

You choose.

MairePoppy

You have enjoyed wedding planning with your mom until it got down to nitty gritty details, so you should try to work out some compromises.

Your mom has a good point about the music. The play list could be divided into 3 sections. Mom could choose music for her contemporaries and older. Bride and Groom could choose music for their age group. Section 3 is the do not play list. The reception is a thank you to your guests for sharing in your celebration, so the music should be chosen with them in mind. It'll warm the cockles of your heart to see the granparents and great aunts and uncles out on the dance floor grooving to "I Walk the Line," or "Tennessee Waltz."  A few songs won't ruin your good time.

You should pay for any items that are important to you, such as the cake topper and the cake.