Moms and Maids

Momzilla FMIL

Hi!

I have been running into repeated issues with my future mother-in-law (FMIL, as I've learned from other boards) and she has become completely obsessed with wedding plans. We have 12 months from now to plan, and she is constantly giving me unsolicited advice on everything. She asked me my "vision" on the bridesmaid dresses, I showed her a picture I liked, and the next day I received an essay long e-mail rant on why she completely disagreed with what I liked; she disagreed with my decor ideas, had problems with our venue choices, etc. She has already basically planned the whole wedding without us, and has started calling and e-mailing vendors without my knowledge of it. While I am extremely grateful for her enthusiasm and sincerely appreciate her help, she has become incredibly overbearing and won't seem to bend or flex on any of my suggestions if they don't align with her vision.

The final straw came when she forwarded me an e-mail conversation she had with a floral vendor she liked. In her initial e-mail, she wrote to the florist: "The bride's family has proposed a limited wedding budget. My husband and I are of a more progressive bend and anticipate sharing in the wedding expenses." First of all, I feel my parents were very generous with their financial offer (considering there are three of us kids they will have to contribute to weddings), and second, I found it incredibly rude of her to go around telling vendors that my family is being stingy. My fiance has already addressed this, and she felt bad that I found out she said that, but I don't think it's ok of her to go around saying this potential vendors.

My fiance has had repeated conversations telling her to back off a little bit and cool down with the extravagant wedding plans, we are more bohemian-type, wanting a relaxed and fun wedding, we are not competing for wedding of the year with Kimye. I am one phone call away from telling her to "wear beige and shut up." What do you suggest I do, without me getting into a huge fight with my FMIL?

Thank you for your suggestions!
NYCMercedestjc378

Re: Momzilla FMIL

  • I agree with Maggie 100%. Don't accept any financial assistance and don't share wedding plans. It sounds like FMIL is really overstepping, but it's on you and FI to make sure she doesn't have any ammunition. How does she know what your parents are contributing? Stop sharing info with her and she won't have that info to share with vendors/family/strangers/the world.

    Good luck OP.

  • Pretty much what everyone else said. Don't take any money and don't talk to her about anything. Don't even imply you might be considering her ideas. She sounds like she might be the type to go ahead and book vendors and purchase things. If that happens just politely but firmly state "Thank you but we have decided to go another way" or "We have already booked/purchased that service/item". Don't feel obligated to use what she booked/purchased. The wasted money is her problem.
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Like PPs have said, don't accept her money and stop talking to her about your plans.  Also tell her, if she books or purchases things you don't want, "Thank you, but FI and I have decided to do something different."

    And make sure FI backs you up every step of the way.
  • @Jen4948-So, is the OP supposed to call every vendor in the state and alert them to her FMIL?  
    @riva0067-Leave the wrangling to FI and you plan your wedding with your parents and FI as you see fit.  There is no reason for FMIL to ever know who your vendors are or how much anything costs.  At some point, give her an idea of style of dress code you are leaning towards.  At that point, if she chooses to under or over dress, it is on her.  When you speak with your FMIL, you are going to have to avoid any and all wedding talk as much as possible, so practice a few "topic changing" lines and have them ready at all times.  Once contracts are signed and deposits are left, just remind vendors who they are permitted to speak with, and that should be that.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    @Jen4948-So, is the OP supposed to call every vendor in the state and alert them to her FMIL?  
    STIB

    Would you fucking stop putting words in my mouth?

    The OP can do this with her own vendors and make clear that the only persons with regards to her wedding that they are authorized to deal with are herself and her OP.
  • Don't give her or mention a list of vendors. You will have to "bean dip" her. For example:

    FMIL: I contacted ABC florist and picked out your flowers.
    You: We already have a different florist in mind and picked out our flowers. Hey, this bean dip is great.
    FMIL: Well, I really like ABC florist, and you should use them.
    You: This bean dip is great. I really like the chips with it.
    FMIL: Who is your florist because I want to cancel that order for you?
    You: How did you make this bean dip? It's really delicious.

    Never discuss the details of your wedding and your vendors. Also, contact all of your vendors, that you have made arrangements with, tell them to only make changes when you or your FI informs them too. This will be helpful if your FMIL finds out your chosen vendors and makes any changes or cancellations. Your vendors will know to go directly to you and ignore any outside input.

  • edited June 2015
  • Does anyone else find it fucked up as all hell that a vendor would even consider a contract for a wedding without meeting the bride and groom in person?

    If I were a vendor and some lady was like "Yeah, this is good, my son and daughter in law will take it" I would say I couldn't fill out the contract without direct contact from the bride.
    Our DJ did not do in person meetings. Everything was via e-mail or the phone. 
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Does anyone else find it fucked up as all hell that a vendor would even consider a contract for a wedding without meeting the bride and groom in person?

    If I were a vendor and some lady was like "Yeah, this is good, my son and daughter in law will take it" I would say I couldn't fill out the contract without direct contact from the bride.
    If the bride and groom aren't footing the bill then I don't think the vendor really would give a shit. They really only care about those that are paying them because they are usually the one's calling the shots.

  • I've been dealing with this my wedding planning process, same issues. My FIL's have this vision in their head of what they think they wedding is supposed to be....over the past few months they have backed off a little bit but have not gone so far as to be supportive of my decision...anything I decide on myself I just get a "If that's what you want" or "If you say so, dear". It's incredibly frustrating.

    I do agree wholeheartedly (assuming you haven't already), do not accept their money. By letting them foot any of the bill you will be obligated to let them have say so in that area and they will only get more controlling. 

    My FIL's were originally going to throw in some to help for the costs, but when I realized how overbearing they were becoming I asked them to gift it to us as a wedding present instead. The money will not be used for any of the expenses and will instead be a nest egg for us. 

    Overall, just keep in mind -- you can choose your husband, but you can't choose the family! Your big day and your future together will be worth all the stress of the planning :) 
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  • "Wear beige and shut up."   LOL!  OMG that made me laugh.  I don't care that this post is months old.
  • edited June 2015
  • I have a feeling that I will soon be in the exact same boat. My FMIL has been mentioning her ideas for our "someday wedding" in passing for years before we got engaged. We finally got engaged this weekend and are frantically looking at wedding venues so we can decide what we want before she can get to doing her own research and tell us her  venue ideas.

    Our problem is similar- my parents have limited financial means and are retired. I expect that they will offer us something, but certainly not enough to cover the cost of the wedding we would like to have. FMIL does quite well and is insanely generous with her money. I appreciate her generosity, but she is from a different social construct than my parents. She thinks it's perfectly normal for the parents to sit down and discuss what they can/will contribute to the wedding. Uh, we are 35. I told my mom not to answer her calls or if she did, just politely let her know that she is adhering to our wishes of not to intrude at this time.

    Unfortunately, our wedding fund is coming from a trust established by FMIL in FI's name. So even though it's technically not "her" money, she is paying for it- if that makes sense. I think that we are going to have to adhere to her input unless FI puts the trust money back in her name.  

    I understand how hard of a decision it to say "no" to money that would make the process much more comfortable financially in order to shut down the input from the FMIL. 
  • I have a feeling that I will soon be in the exact same boat. My FMIL has been mentioning her ideas for our "someday wedding" in passing for years before we got engaged. We finally got engaged this weekend and are frantically looking at wedding venues so we can decide what we want before she can get to doing her own research and tell us her  venue ideas.

    Our problem is similar- my parents have limited financial means and are retired. I expect that they will offer us something, but certainly not enough to cover the cost of the wedding we would like to have. FMIL does quite well and is insanely generous with her money. I appreciate her generosity, but she is from a different social construct than my parents. She thinks it's perfectly normal for the parents to sit down and discuss what they can/will contribute to the wedding. Uh, we are 35. I told my mom not to answer her calls or if she did, just politely let her know that she is adhering to our wishes of not to intrude at this time.

    Unfortunately, our wedding fund is coming from a trust established by FMIL in FI's name. So even though it's technically not "her" money, she is paying for it- if that makes sense. I think that we are going to have to adhere to her input unless FI puts the trust money back in her name.  

    I understand how hard of a decision it to say "no" to money that would make the process much more comfortable financially in order to shut down the input from the FMIL. 
    I would totally decline this money if your FMIL is such a nightmare. Those who pay get a say...
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    ChemFanatic25
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