Bridesmaid drama - can't we all just get along?

ElcaB

I have four BMs & consider all of them best friends. Bridesmaids A & B are close to each other, as are bridesmaids C & D. They've all met, but A lives OOS so B is the "odd one out."

B can be oversensitive & irrational at times. She has dealt with depression and has major self-esteem issues, among other things. The last time B, C, & D were together at a party, B claims C & D were "making fun of her" --- which I have trouble believing. I asked C & D about it & they said B laughed at herself over a "blonde moment," so C & D laughed, too. The thing is, B often misconstrues things in her head, so I think it was just a silly misunderstanding. Unfortunately, now B has all these negative feelings about C & D (who she's never really tried to get to know in the first place). 

I hate drama & told B I think the whole thing was a misunderstanding. I told her I think she'd like C & D if she got to know them, and suggested we all have dinner together. Her response was, "Would you be mad if I told you I wasn't at all interested?" It really bummed me out. I'd never force anyone into an obligatory dinner, but it saddens me that she won't even make an effort. 

I'm trying to be understanding, but seriously, why the drama? We're fucking 30 years old. Can't we all just get along? 

JCbride2015

I can't stand girl drama.  Fi has a group of friends from college that contains about 4 girls who are always nit picking behind each others' backs.  A isn't talking to B, B and C are best friends, oh now was B and C are mad at each other.  And I call them girls because this is immature stuff girls would do.

Although here it seems more about B's insecurities than anything else.  This is frustrating because she's not seeing things from an impartial perspective the way you are.

But yeah, I wouldn't force anything on B.  Your BMs don't have to be friends with each other.  It does seem like maybe her depression or self esteem problems are rearing up though, so maybe you can just try to spend some one on one time with her.

larrygaga

She probably does feel left out, and if I were you I would stop asking them to be friends and hang out. They only need to be civil on your wedding day. They don't have to be friends.

I literally hated this other girl I was in a wedding with. It was really hard to be civil with her on that one day, but in the end it worked out and I haven't seen her in 3 years. Even though we have a very close mutual friend.

RebeccaFlower

I get wanting to try to alleviate tension, but does she have any reason other than your wedding to get to know these girls? I would just let it go and if she brings it up again, just say that you hope she can let it go the day of the wedding (I know this might be harsh, but I'd say it to my BMs).

climbingsingle

That really sucks. Drama is just the worst. 

Apparently one of my friends is a little upset over something involving my bach party - I have no knowledge of what's being planned. I only know we're going to the Finger Lakes. I've told friend this over and over. But friend keeps making comments to me about it and it's getting really freaking annoying. I really want to say to her, "If this party is stressing you out, don't come!"

JMalettas

 I had 1 BM that did not get along with the other 3, at all. The only advice I can give you, is if your initial efforts aren't helping, to just let it go. I tried throughout the whole process to make this group of girls work, and despite my best efforts, it just didn't click. The one BM always felt she wasn't "being heard" in different decisions being made, and upon reading said conversations between them, (they had a group chat going to keep in touch, & other BMs wanted me to see they weren't "attacking" her), I could see it was basically her having adult temper tantrums, every time anything wasn't exactly how she wanted it. My situation was slightly different than yours, as said BM turned into a big crazy during the whole process, but I get your frustration, for sure! The only thing I could really do, was nicely ask the other girls to take her with a grain of salt, and for the sake of all of our sanity, be as "nice" as possible. 

 *J

SBmini

They don't really have to like each other. Being a bridesmaid means what? Hanging out three or four times with your fellow bridesmaids? She should just suck it up and get over it. She just has to be cordial with the other girls, not their new BFF.

ElcaB

As usual, you all have some good points. 

I guess it's hard for me because, wedding aside, I'm always the "let's all be friends" person. What frustrates me the most is that B won't even make an effort, but like most of you said, I should just let it go. I just don't want it to lead to any hurt feelings. I also don't want any negativity during otherwise enjoyable wedding-related activities. I.e., C & D have offered to plan my bachelorette, which will likely be a weekend at a nearby party island. I can see B getting invited & not going because she decided she doesn't like them, then getting mad at me over the whole thing. 

l9i

I just want to say how much I appreciate that I'm not alone is this.  I recently just completed my bachelorette party and shower weekend.  It was the first time all 6 girls were together and oh man... group dynamics are not there.  Mine was more like the movie bridesmaids where I two who I've known forever but we aren't near each other anymore and others who are newer friends but I'm closer with currently because they are with me.  It was like one group trying to show they know me better than the other.  Needless to say, long weekend for them but we made it through and they mostly sidelined their clashing personalities.  They only have one more day (the wedding) that they have to be close to each other.  But yes, while no one was down right mean they just clash.

beethery

B sounds just like one of my oldest friends, G, who is going to be a MOH. She met one of my VERY good friends (who is pretty introverted, specifically around people she doesn't know, and has her reasons) and as soon as my other friend left the room, G started saying she thinks my friend doesn't like her and was giving her the eyeball was about to start in on a big shit-talking thing when I was like WHOAWHOAWHOA my friend is super cool shit, she is just a quiet person and she doesn't know you, also she was definitely not looking at you crazy. Hit the chill button and be nice to her, there's no reason not to! G calmed down and from there on was super nice to my other friend.

I do not plan to do a lunch or anything and try to get both F (my other MOH) and G to hang out and be friends or whatever. If they get along at the rehearsal and wedding, cool. Hopefully G doesn't have some kind of defense-mechanism thing about how someone is allegedly looking at her.

I love G, but she is still in the girl-drama mindset sometimes, and I am not here for that. I don't understand it at aaaaallllll.

wandajune6

You're making me feel lucky we're all so old! Everyone's mostly past the girl drama phase.

I'd love it if all of my BMs became close friends. That's not bound to happen and I'm ok with that. I've decided that as long as everyone is pleasant and behaves, everything is good. I think is to keep your expectations very low so you can be pleasantly surprised when the good happens.

grumbledore

I literally ignore all drama.  So that's my advice.  Ignore it.  It's not your problem.  

They don't need to "get along."  They are all friends with YOU, they don't have to be friends with each other.  A wedding is one day.

JMalettas

wandajune6 said:

You're making me feel lucky we're all so old! Everyone's mostly past the girl drama phase.

I'd love it if all of my BMs became close friends. That's not bound to happen and I'm ok with that. I've decided that as long as everyone is pleasant and behaves, everything is good. I think is to keep your expectations very low so you can be pleasantly surprised when the good happens.

 I don't think you can necessarily put an age on drama. I work with women as young as 19-20, and also into their 50s. You definitely get it from all ages, but believe me when I say, some of the women up there in age, are the worst for it. Some people will get along, others won't. Some people are, and will always be gossips/"fire starters", and others will make it work whether they like the group they're with or not. Age doesn't always define it!

 *J

[Deleted User]

I didn't have anything in common w/ the other bridesmaids when I was in a wedding.  They weren't mean or anything, but they and the bride were all teachers and wanted kids or had kids and that was all they talked about when we were all together.  NBD.  I sat there, listened, smiled, responded to their questions when they presented them to me and that was that.  I didn't feel the need to be friends w/ my friend's friends and everything turned out fine.

doeydo

Oh, I can relate to B in this situation.  She probably feels left out, unwanted, "the third wheel", like everyone talks about her behind her back/as soon as she leaves the room.  Just leave her be and assure her that you love her and no one meant anything by it.  I wouldn't try to arrange any extra get togethers.

hellosweetie1015

doeydo said:

Oh, I can relate to B in this situation.  She probably feels left out, unwanted, "the third wheel", like everyone talks about her behind her back/as soon as she leaves the room.  Just leave her be and assure her that you love her and no one meant anything by it.  I wouldn't try to arrange any extra get togethers.

I can relate to B too - really easily. In similar situations to the one you describe, I know that I tend to "latch" on to one person that I do know, or either withdraw from the entire group - as it kind of sounds like she might be trying to do without hurting your feelings. 

However, even while I was making myself the hated black sheep of the group, I would like to be reassured that I'm not the hated black sheep of the group. Definitely don't arrange any forced get-togethers, but if you do go out with the other girls, absolutely invite her, whether or not you think she will take you up on it. It would make matters much, much worse for her if you didn't: she might feel not only that the other girls don't like her, but that you no longer like her. If she declines, offer to do something you-and-her at another time.

As to the specific situation you mentioned: I laugh at myself all the time when I do something "blonde" (natural brunette here). Primarily because if I do not, I would end up in a ball in a bathroom, or chain-smoking somewhere well away from everyone. I can handle laughter at my expense when I'm laughing as well, even when it's fake on my part. Sometimes it's very hard to get past that laughter though, even when I've "encouraged" it.

ETA: Midnight is not a good time for thinking.

aspoonfulofsugar

Definitely agree with PPs, any forced get-togethers/let's all be friends, make me want to scream and back away more.  I love my friend whose wedding I'm in now, but stop trying to make me attend your wine & cheese/baseball game/laser bowling with the GM.  NO, I can be polite and friendly to these people, but they are not my friends.  Plus, now I'm noticing that because they're spending time together, drama is happening and cliques are forming.