Is it rude to ask divorced Dad & Mom to give me away, without my Stepmom?

futuremrsog15

My parents are divorced. I am closer to my mom and feel she should be the only one giving me away, but I have somewhat of a relationship with my dad. Also, he and my stepmom are giving us 1/3 of the wedding cost. More than any other parent. Without going all into detail short story is, my dad is not a fan of my mom for, in my opinion, really immature reasons. I want both my mom and my dad to walk me down. Is this rude to my stepmom? I am prepared to let her come too, if my dad insists. There is a whole lot of hurt from over the years and weddings do not help. I want to be mature about this and feel like no matter how I say this to my dad I will be accused of hating my stepmom. Any advice?

Jen4948

If you want your dad to be there, then yes, you have to invite your stepmom.

But honestly, as immature as your dad's not being a fan of your mom might be, I think that asking him and your mom to walk you down the aisle together without your stepmom isn't appropriate because your mom and dad are not a couple anymore.  And if there is a whole lot of hurt and weddings don't help, I don't see that there is any way you can say anything to your dad that 1) is mature and 2) doesn't come off like you don't hate your stepmom.

So, if you want your mom to be the only one giving you away, just ask her to do that without involving your dad.  If he complains, tell him that it's important to you that your mom be the one to give you away, and if he wants to do that, he has to accept that she will be doing that as well.  Don't mention your stepmom if you have to respond to a complaint from your dad about your mom giving you away.

Jells2dot0

As a stepmom myself, I know that no matter what, I will never be "mom." So, since you have a great relationship with your mom (and she's obviously still living) I would understand that I'd have to take a back seat since I'm not truly your parent. And that is your wish and decision to do so.

Now, people think of their step parents as real parents, as important as real parents, or spawns of Satan, but that is up to each individual. Honor your stepmom as you see fit and something that fits your relationship with her. Hopefully she is understanding that "real mom" will always be "real mom."

photokitty

It is not rude to your step mom. It is personal decision and only you should make it. If you want mom and dad together than do that. Have an usher escort your step mom down the aisle if you want her to feel important. She is not your parent and it is not an unreasonable request you are making. Money should have nothing to do with it.

Your dad should not insist. Tell him it's your wedding and he can walk with you and your mom. If he does not want to walk with the two of you he can escort his wife down the aisle. It's his choice.

ETA - GL! I know it's a tough spot.

lilacck28

Jen4948 said:

If you want your dad to be there, then yes, you have to invite your stepmom.

But honestly, as immature as your dad's not being a fan of your mom might be, I think that asking him and your mom to walk you down the aisle together without your stepmom isn't appropriate because your mom and dad are not a couple anymore.  And if there is a whole lot of hurt and weddings don't help, I don't see that there is any way you can say anything to your dad that 1) is mature and 2) doesn't come off like you don't hate your stepmom.

So, if you want your mom to be the only one giving you away, just ask her to do that without involving your dad.  If he complains, tell him that it's important to you that your mom be the one to give you away, and if he wants to do that, he has to accept that she will be doing that as well.  Don't mention your stepmom if you have to respond to a complaint from your dad about your mom giving you away.

I don't agree with the bolded. I'm Jewish. It is expected that both parents walk me down the aisle, and though I am not religious and most traditions are unimportant to me, this one makes sense to me. Not because my parents are a couple, but because they are my parents. You have a relationship with both of your parents, which is great. Them getting divorced has not changed that they are your mom and dad. Your dad having a new wife does not make you any less his daughter. Walking a child down the aisle is about the child, not the relationship of the people doing the escorting. 

Jen4948

lilacck28 said:

Jen4948 said:

If you want your dad to be there, then yes, you have to invite your stepmom.

But honestly, as immature as your dad's not being a fan of your mom might be, I think that asking him and your mom to walk you down the aisle together without your stepmom isn't appropriate because your mom and dad are not a couple anymore.  And if there is a whole lot of hurt and weddings don't help, I don't see that there is any way you can say anything to your dad that 1) is mature and 2) doesn't come off like you don't hate your stepmom.

So, if you want your mom to be the only one giving you away, just ask her to do that without involving your dad.  If he complains, tell him that it's important to you that your mom be the one to give you away, and if he wants to do that, he has to accept that she will be doing that as well.  Don't mention your stepmom if you have to respond to a complaint from your dad about your mom giving you away.

I don't agree with the bolded. I'm Jewish. It is expected that both parents walk me down the aisle, and though I am not religious and most traditions are unimportant to me, this one makes sense to me. Not because my parents are a couple, but because they are my parents. You have a relationship with both of your parents, which is great. Them getting divorced has not changed that they are your mom and dad. Your dad having a new wife does not make you any less his daughter. Walking a child down the aisle is about the child, not the relationship of the people doing the escorting. 

I'm Jewish too.  

For a Jewish wedding, even if the parents are divorced, it would be appropriate for them to escort their child together, yes, but the OP did not say that she is Jewish.  

Apparently she comes from a background where this is not generally expected, and in that case, no, it would not be appropriate to force the father to walk down the aisle with the mother when he is married to someone else.

Ndelible

Agree with @lilacck28‌. It's about them being your parents and not their current relationship status to each other.

photokitty

Jen4948 said:

lilacck28 said:

Jen4948 said:

If you want your dad to be there, then yes, you have to invite your stepmom.

But honestly, as immature as your dad's not being a fan of your mom might be, I think that asking him and your mom to walk you down the aisle together without your stepmom isn't appropriate because your mom and dad are not a couple anymore.  And if there is a whole lot of hurt and weddings don't help, I don't see that there is any way you can say anything to your dad that 1) is mature and 2) doesn't come off like you don't hate your stepmom.

So, if you want your mom to be the only one giving you away, just ask her to do that without involving your dad.  If he complains, tell him that it's important to you that your mom be the one to give you away, and if he wants to do that, he has to accept that she will be doing that as well.  Don't mention your stepmom if you have to respond to a complaint from your dad about your mom giving you away.

I don't agree with the bolded. I'm Jewish. It is expected that both parents walk me down the aisle, and though I am not religious and most traditions are unimportant to me, this one makes sense to me. Not because my parents are a couple, but because they are my parents. You have a relationship with both of your parents, which is great. Them getting divorced has not changed that they are your mom and dad. Your dad having a new wife does not make you any less his daughter. Walking a child down the aisle is about the child, not the relationship of the people doing the escorting. 

I'm Jewish too.  

For a Jewish wedding, even if the parents are divorced, it would be appropriate for them to escort their child together, yes, but the OP did not say that she is Jewish.  

Apparently she comes from a background where this is not generally expected, and in that case, no, it would not be appropriate to force the father to walk down the aisle with the mother when he is married to someone else.

I don't find that to be a valid argument. I agree with @lilacck28 the relationship that matter is that they are parents. Who they are married to doesn't matter when walking down the aisle. Dad is walking his daughter, not his ex-wife. If he would rather walk his wife than his daughter than he can decline the offer of escorting his daughter down the aisle. 

lilacck28

Eh. I get your point @Jen4948 , but isn't the reason that OP asked about this because she WANTS both parents to walk her down the aisle. despite any cultural expectations? I wouldn't care about expectations. I think it would be pretty clear to guests that despite a divorce, these are still her parents. And if its weird to them to see a father AND mother walk a child down the aisle, it wouldn't matter if they were divorced or not. 

Finally, asking her mother and father to both walk her down the aisle is not forcing either of them. If her father refuses, that's on him, but providing him the option is not being rude to his relationship with his current wife. 

futuremrsog15

Wow thank you everyone for your responses. I do want them both. I have a relationship with both. It is because most people in my culture(not Jewish) only have the dads walk them down, I want to add my mom to honor her and her part in my life as well. It's an old tradition that the dads give away the brides. In reality BOTH parents raised her, even if they are divorced. Unless for some who have no relationship with either of their parents, I know they exist too.

Jen4948

lilacck28 said:

Eh. I get your point @Jen4948 , but isn't the reason that OP asked about this because she WANTS both parents to walk her down the aisle. despite any cultural expectations? I wouldn't care about expectations. I think it would be pretty clear to guests that despite a divorce, these are still her parents. And if its weird to them to see a father AND mother walk a child down the aisle, it wouldn't matter if they were divorced or not. 

Finally, asking her mother and father to both walk her down the aisle is not forcing either of them. If her father refuses, that's on him, but providing him the option is not being rude to his relationship with his current wife. 

It might be rude to his relationship with his current wife to exclude her from the walk down the aisle.  The OP didn't even want to invite her to the wedding.

I think in practical terms, the OP's father isn't likely to agree to it anyway.  As the OP stated, he will probably see any such request as an indication that the OP "hates" his current wife.

JCbride2015

OP, it sounds to me like the person you really want to walk you is your mom.  And you're just asking your dad because you feel like you should/ maybe because he gave you money.

Can you have just your mom walk you?

futuremrsog15

Jen4948 said:

lilacck28 said:

Eh. I get your point @Jen4948 , but isn't the reason that OP asked about this because she WANTS both parents to walk her down the aisle. despite any cultural expectations? I wouldn't care about expectations. I think it would be pretty clear to guests that despite a divorce, these are still her parents. And if its weird to them to see a father AND mother walk a child down the aisle, it wouldn't matter if they were divorced or not. 

Finally, asking her mother and father to both walk her down the aisle is not forcing either of them. If her father refuses, that's on him, but providing him the option is not being rude to his relationship with his current wife. 

It might be rude to his relationship with his current wife to exclude her from the walk down the aisle.  The OP didn't even want to invite her to the wedding.

I think in practical terms, the OP's father isn't likely to agree to it anyway.  As the OP stated, he will probably see any such request as an indication that the OP "hates" his current wife.

I never stated that the above bolded. I have a relationship with my stepmom. Sorry for any confusion on that point.

ETA: to clarify

ETA: I went back and re-read my first post. I meant to say I am willing to have my dad, stepmom and my mom walk me down. I see how it may seem I meant I didn't want my stepmom there, that is not what I meant at all.

Jen4948

photokitty said:

Jen4948 said:

lilacck28 said:

Jen4948 said:

If you want your dad to be there, then yes, you have to invite your stepmom.

But honestly, as immature as your dad's not being a fan of your mom might be, I think that asking him and your mom to walk you down the aisle together without your stepmom isn't appropriate because your mom and dad are not a couple anymore.  And if there is a whole lot of hurt and weddings don't help, I don't see that there is any way you can say anything to your dad that 1) is mature and 2) doesn't come off like you don't hate your stepmom.

So, if you want your mom to be the only one giving you away, just ask her to do that without involving your dad.  If he complains, tell him that it's important to you that your mom be the one to give you away, and if he wants to do that, he has to accept that she will be doing that as well.  Don't mention your stepmom if you have to respond to a complaint from your dad about your mom giving you away.

I don't agree with the bolded. I'm Jewish. It is expected that both parents walk me down the aisle, and though I am not religious and most traditions are unimportant to me, this one makes sense to me. Not because my parents are a couple, but because they are my parents. You have a relationship with both of your parents, which is great. Them getting divorced has not changed that they are your mom and dad. Your dad having a new wife does not make you any less his daughter. Walking a child down the aisle is about the child, not the relationship of the people doing the escorting. 

I'm Jewish too.  

For a Jewish wedding, even if the parents are divorced, it would be appropriate for them to escort their child together, yes, but the OP did not say that she is Jewish.  

Apparently she comes from a background where this is not generally expected, and in that case, no, it would not be appropriate to force the father to walk down the aisle with the mother when he is married to someone else.

I don't find that to be a valid argument. I agree with @lilacck28 the relationship that matter is that they are parents. Who they are married to doesn't matter when walking down the aisle. Dad is walking his daughter, not his ex-wife. If he would rather walk his wife than his daughter than he can decline the offer of escorting his daughter down the aisle. 

Which he probably will do anyway.

Unfortunately, in bitter divorces the first is all too often considered bullshit by the ex-spouses.  They are more interested in honoring their current relationship than the parental relationship they have with the bride or groom, and will kick up big fusses about escorting them with an ex.  This is not always the case, but I don't think divorced parents can be counted on to always put their own feelings in the matter on the shelf-even at their kid's wedding-and the OP has indicated that her father will take any such suggestion that her stepmom not participate in the escorting as evidence that she "hates" her-and that there has been a lot of hurt over the years and weddings don't help.

So, in practical terms, it's probably totally moot whether or not in this case he can be civil enough to the OP's mom to walk with her down the aisle rather than the stepmom-he'll probably refuse to do it.

In terms of etiquette, as painful as it is to have to accept that one's parents are not married or "together" with each other, it is probably the best thing to do and not try to force two exes to walk down the aisle together when there is bitterness between them.

mysticl

Jen4948 said:

lilacck28 said:

Eh. I get your point @Jen4948 , but isn't the reason that OP asked about this because she WANTS both parents to walk her down the aisle. despite any cultural expectations? I wouldn't care about expectations. I think it would be pretty clear to guests that despite a divorce, these are still her parents. And if its weird to them to see a father AND mother walk a child down the aisle, it wouldn't matter if they were divorced or not. 

Finally, asking her mother and father to both walk her down the aisle is not forcing either of them. If her father refuses, that's on him, but providing him the option is not being rude to his relationship with his current wife. 

It might be rude to his relationship with his current wife to exclude her from the walk down the aisle.  The OP didn't even want to invite her to the wedding.

I think in practical terms, the OP's father isn't likely to agree to it anyway.  As the OP stated, he will probably see any such request as an indication that the OP "hates" his current wife.

It's not rude to his relationship with his current wife.  The walk down the aisle is about the bride walking with her parents, not about who her parents are married to.  The step-mother is not her parent.  I didn't read it as not inviting the step-mom to the wedding but that the "let her come too" statement referenced the walk down the aisle.  

futuremrsog15

JCbride2015 said:

OP, it sounds to me like the person you really want to walk you is your mom.  And you're just asking your dad because you feel like you should/ maybe because he gave you money.

Can you have just your mom walk you?

My dad would be offended. It's a big deal just to add my mom to us walking down. There is a lot more backstory on him & I.

Jen4948

futuremrsog15 said:

Jen4948 said:

lilacck28 said:

Eh. I get your point @Jen4948 , but isn't the reason that OP asked about this because she WANTS both parents to walk her down the aisle. despite any cultural expectations? I wouldn't care about expectations. I think it would be pretty clear to guests that despite a divorce, these are still her parents. And if its weird to them to see a father AND mother walk a child down the aisle, it wouldn't matter if they were divorced or not. 

Finally, asking her mother and father to both walk her down the aisle is not forcing either of them. If her father refuses, that's on him, but providing him the option is not being rude to his relationship with his current wife. 

It might be rude to his relationship with his current wife to exclude her from the walk down the aisle.  The OP didn't even want to invite her to the wedding.

I think in practical terms, the OP's father isn't likely to agree to it anyway.  As the OP stated, he will probably see any such request as an indication that the OP "hates" his current wife.

I never stated that the above bolded. I have a relationship with my stepmom. Sorry for any confusion on that point.

ETA: to clarify

My apologies.  But I think it'll probably save you the most grief to just ask your mother to walk you down the aisle if she's really the one you want to give you away-especially if you think your father will be a jerk about it.

lilacck28

I think your best bet, OP is either tell your dad you love him and that you'd be honored if he would walk you down the aisle with your mom, that you want both of your parents to be there with you. Having an usher escort your stepmom in during the processional is also a nice idea that you can suggest to him. OR just have your mom walk you down the aisle and don't say anything to your dad.

JCbride2015

futuremrsog15 said:

JCbride2015 said:

OP, it sounds to me like the person you really want to walk you is your mom.  And you're just asking your dad because you feel like you should/ maybe because he gave you money.

Can you have just your mom walk you?

My dad would be offended. It's a big deal just to add my mom to us walking down. There is a lot more backstory on him & I.

This makes me sort of sad for you.  Your dad shouldn't have to bully you into letting him walk you down the aisle.  It he needs to force it, then he doesn't have the kind of relationship in which he should walk you.

I know family dynamics come into play and sometimes you just have to appease people to avoid hurt feelings.  But it's a bummer.

climbingsingle

I don't think it's rude to your stepmom to have your mom walk you down the aisle along with your dad. 

tammym1001

My advice comes from a recent bride and also a now step mother to 3 children who are all at marrying age. DH and I have had several discussions about traditions at weddings involving divorced parents due to our wedding being so recent and his sons all have friends who have been getting married recently. 

DH's opinion - He and his ex-wife are no longer together and anything that implies to anyone at the wedding that they are still a couple such as; posing for pictures together, walking down the aisle together, sitting together, etc. is not something that he would be willing to do. He's no longer married to her and has no desire to spend any time with her beyond social niceties that he has to.

My opinion as a SM - I think it's rude to pretend like a parent isn't remarried to someone else or that your parents are happy being around each other if they aren't; however, I wouldn't really think anything if you had your mom and dad walk you down the aisle. I think that is a little different because they are walking with you and not with each other. As a SM I would never insist that I be included and if I was asked to be included in that I would feel very awkward and decline.

Jen4948

One other thing: I attended a wedding for my cousin once, where her parents were divorced and her husband's parents were in the process of divorcing. My cousin walked down the aisle alone (my aunt and her ex hated each other that much). Her husband's parents both walked together with him as their divorce was not yet complete, but their animosity towards each other was there for all to see. It was horrible. Not long after that, their divorce was complete and the father almost immediately remarried. And my cousin and her husband are now divorced themselves. I think forcing two bitterly divorced parents to walk together, however much they are both the parents of the bride or groom, and however much they and any stepparents should be able to put their feelings on the shelf and escort their mutual child, just isn't going to go well regardless of whether or not it's rude. If they can handle being together with civility, great, but if not, I think nothing good will come of pushing it.

lilacck28

Jen4948 said:

One other thing: I attended a wedding for my cousin once, where her parents were divorced and her husband's parents were in the process of divorcing. My cousin walked down the aisle alone (my aunt and her ex hated each other that much). Her husband's parents both walked together with him as their divorce was not yet complete, but their animosity towards each other was there for all to see. It was horrible. Not long after that, their divorce was complete and the father almost immediately remarried. And my cousin and her husband are now divorced themselves. I think forcing two bitterly divorced parents to walk together, however much they are both the parents of the bride or groom, and however much they and any stepparents should be able to put their feelings on the shelf and escort their mutual child, just isn't going to go well regardless of whether or not it's rude. If they can handle being together with civility, great, but if not, I think nothing good will come of pushing it.

I agree. I don't think you should push it. But I think telling your parents what your ideal situation for walking down the aisle is (having both of them) is not a bad idea. Gauge their reactions. And if the conversation doesn't go well, consider walking down the aisle yourself. 

Ndelible

Sounds like the OP doesn't foresee any problems with mom or dad getting along, just hurt feelings of her stepmom. I will be a stepmom soon to two young people and I would expect for their biological parents to fulfill their roles as their parents. I would expect no role other than family member at their nuptials.

futuremrsog15

tammym1001 said:

My advice comes from a recent bride and also a now step mother to 3 children who are all at marrying age. DH and I have had several discussions about traditions at weddings involving divorced parents due to our wedding being so recent and his sons all have friends who have been getting married recently. 

DH's opinion - He and his ex-wife are no longer together and anything that implies to anyone at the wedding that they are still a couple such as; posing for pictures together, walking down the aisle together, sitting together, etc. is not something that he would be willing to do. He's no longer married to her and has no desire to spend any time with her beyond social niceties that he has to.

My opinion as a SM - I think it's rude to pretend like a parent isn't remarried to someone else or that your parents are happy being around each other if they aren't; however, I wouldn't really think anything if you had your mom and dad walk you down the aisle. I think that is a little different because they are walking with you and not with each other. As a SM I would never insist that I be included and if I was asked to be included in that I would feel very awkward and decline.

I wish you were my stepmom!

The bolded breaks my heart a little. My own wounds, nothing against your husdand. I guess I just feel like divorce doesn't make you any less a parent and you created a child with that other person and the other person helped raise that child, even after you divorced. Wishful thinking I suppose. I don't expect them to be best friends, just still be parents.

[Deleted User]

My suggestion is to have stepmom escorted to her seat right before the start of the ceremony as you would your mom if you weren't having your mom walk you down the isle. Just one suggestion, before asking both of your parents, make sure the isle is wide enough to accomodate your dad, your mom & your dress (depending on how big & puffy it is).

When you do a toast if you say thank you to parents that you say I would like to thank my mom, my dad and my stepmother for helping us to plan such an amazing day. Oh yeah, don't forget to get stepmom a corsage too.

tammym1001

futuremrsog15 said:

tammym1001 said:

My advice comes from a recent bride and also a now step mother to 3 children who are all at marrying age. DH and I have had several discussions about traditions at weddings involving divorced parents due to our wedding being so recent and his sons all have friends who have been getting married recently. 

DH's opinion - He and his ex-wife are no longer together and anything that implies to anyone at the wedding that they are still a couple such as; posing for pictures together, walking down the aisle together, sitting together, etc. is not something that he would be willing to do. He's no longer married to her and has no desire to spend any time with her beyond social niceties that he has to.

My opinion as a SM - I think it's rude to pretend like a parent isn't remarried to someone else or that your parents are happy being around each other if they aren't; however, I wouldn't really think anything if you had your mom and dad walk you down the aisle. I think that is a little different because they are walking with you and not with each other. As a SM I would never insist that I be included and if I was asked to be included in that I would feel very awkward and decline.

I wish you were my stepmom!

The bolded breaks my heart a little. My own wounds, nothing against your husdand. I guess I just feel like divorce doesn't make you any less a parent and you created a child with that other person and the other person helped raise that child, even after you divorced. Wishful thinking I suppose. I don't expect them to be best friends, just still be parents.

STIB:

Yeah I agree that it's sad that they can't get along. DH is extremely involved in his children's lives though and he would do anything for them. Two of them even work with us at our business every single day so he really has a great relationship with them. His animosity comes from stuff that she's done since then. She has thrown fits and refused to go to family functions if he's going to be there so he has had to miss graduations and weddings for his nieces and nephews on her side just so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable so he has gotten to the point where he just doesn't want to be around her anymore. It's unfortunate, but it does happen a lot.

To the bolded: Thanks! I'm a pretty awesome step mom if I do say so myself. LOL

futuremrsog15

Erikan73 said:

My suggestion is to have stepmom escorted to her seat right before the start of the ceremony as you would your mom if you weren't having your mom walk you down the isle. Just one suggestion, before asking both of your parents, make sure the isle is wide enough to accomodate your dad, your mom & your dress (depending on how big & puffy it is).

When you do a toast if you say thank you to parents that you say I would like to thank my mom, my dad and my stepmother for helping us to plan such an amazing day. Oh yeah, don't forget to get stepmom a corsage too.

Great points and I have considered these.

ashleyep

I think the issue here is asking your parents to stand so close to each other while they walk you down the aisle. If they don't get along, I would avoid it.

I don't think that the two of them escorting you implies that they're together, and I don't think it's a knock to your step-mom if they do it. 

I do agree with @Jen4949 in that regard - asking two bitterly divorced parents to walk together is probably a bad idea. But step mom has nothing to do with it.

climbingsingle

tammym1001 said:

My advice comes from a recent bride and also a now step mother to 3 children who are all at marrying age. DH and I have had several discussions about traditions at weddings involving divorced parents due to our wedding being so recent and his sons all have friends who have been getting married recently. 

DH's opinion - He and his ex-wife are no longer together and anything that implies to anyone at the wedding that they are still a couple such as; posing for pictures together, walking down the aisle together, sitting together, etc. is not something that he would be willing to do. He's no longer married to her and has no desire to spend any time with her beyond social niceties that he has to.

My opinion as a SM - I think it's rude to pretend like a parent isn't remarried to someone else or that your parents are happy being around each other if they aren't; however, I wouldn't really think anything if you had your mom and dad walk you down the aisle. I think that is a little different because they are walking with you and not with each other. As a SM I would never insist that I be included and if I was asked to be included in that I would feel very awkward and decline.

The bolded to me is kind of crazy. My parents are still married, however FI's are divorced. Walking your child down the aisle and posing for pictures doesn't imply you're still a couple. It implies correctly that you had a child together. 

I guess we're very lucky that FI's parents still care for one another as friends and treat each other with the utmost respect and are mature enough to put anything else aside for the sake of their family. 

futuremrsog15

My mom is fine with it. She isn't bitter, sure she declines invites to his house for a birthday party for my nephews, but I don't blame her for that. She is kinda antisocial and does her own thing.