Wedding party pressure

pixiesnidget

So I became the luckiest girl in the world when my fiancé proposed to me on my birthday last month, and now I get to plan a wedding! Yay! It's been a little stressful trying to budget since my family can't really pay for the wedding and we're poor college students, but the wedding party is even harder, honestly.

My fiancé is very social and has lots of friends while I have two people I can think of to be in my bridal party. I 've asked one of my best friends to be my MOH already and he asked his best friend to be his Best Man. But that's where we're stuck. I have few friends and my other best friend got engaged shortly after I did and will be having a traditional wedding in India. So I don't even know if she can BE in the wedding. I plan on asking her anyway since I don't know when her wedding is. My fiancé has about 4 other people he could ask to be in his party but is shortening it because I don't... which kind of bums me out. On top of that, his mother expects us to have a large party because we both have large families. She even has gone as far as telling him who is groomsmen were going to be and she was mad at the fact that he didn't ask his brother to be his Best Man because his brother asked him (he's not close to his brother). His mother also is telling me what roles the kids in HER family will have in the wedding taking no consideration of MY side of the family. But considering his family is helping pay for the wedding and will even go as far as paying for the whole thing if they have to, I don't want to step on her toes.

I told both of them that it's okay if we have an uneven wedding party and he has more groomsmen than I do bridesmaids, but the both of them are very traditional and she would rather me ask strangers to be in the wedding and he said he'll just shorten his party so it's even. I'm not okay with either of those things! And now I feel pressure to try and find more people so we can have an even party. There is one girl I work with I thought about asking. We confide in each other and get along great, but we've never hung out except for at work (and she's busy 24/7). Another girl I thought of I was really close with a few years ago when we were both in ballet training. I would love for her to be a part of my wedding since ballet is such a big part of both our lives, but we only got in contact with each other after I got engaged. We do plan on hanging out more often but still don't really talk.

I don't want to ask people only because I "need fillers" to make the parties even...
Suggestions?

bmydesigner

Your MIL sounds like she's being ridiculous. There is a rule that says h/she who pays gets a say but I'm pretty sure that has nothing to do with the bridal party.

Rule of thumb around here is to pick who you would have help you hide a dead body at 3am. Pick your nearest and dearest, and definitely do not pick people just to be fillers.

Take it from someone who picked too many people to be bridesmaids: be very, very careful about this decision. You and your FI should choose who YOU want to choose and who YOU are close with. That means family is not necessary, and neither are fillers.

Good luck

ShesSoCold

pixiesnidget said:

 <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:Times;} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --</style>So I became the luckiest girl in the world when my fiancé proposed to me on my birthday last month, and now I get to plan a wedding! Yay! It's been a little stressful trying to budget since my family really can't pay for the wedding and we are poor college students, but the wedding party is even harder, honestly.

My fiancé is very social and has lots of friends while I have two people I can think of to be in my bridal party. I've asked one of my best friends to be my MOH already and he asked his best friend to be the Best Man. But that's where we're stuck. I have few friends and my other best friend got engaged shortly after me, and she will be having a traditional wedding in India. So I don't even know if she can BE in my wedding. I plan on asking her still because I don't know when she will be getting married. My fiancé has about 4 other people he could probably ask to be in his party but he's shortening it because I don't really have anyone... which kinda bums me out. On top of that, my fiancé's mother expects us to have a big party because we both have large families. She even went as far telling my fiancé who his groomsmen were going to be and she was mad at the fact he didn't ask his brother to be his Best Man since he was his brother's Best Man at his wedding (he’s not close to his brother). His mother also is telling me what roles all the kids on HER side of the family will have in the wedding taking no consideration of MY side of the family. But considering his family is helping pay for the wedding and will even go as far as paying for the whole thing if they have to, I don’t want to step on her toes.

I've told him and his mother that's it's perfectly fine if our wedding party is uneven and he has more groomsmen than I do bridesmaids, but they are both so traditional that his mother would rather me ask strangers to be in the wedding and he said he'll just shorten his party so it's even. I'm not okay with either of those things! And now I feel pressure to try and find more people so we can have an even party. There is one girl I work with I thought about asking. We confide in each other and get along great, but we’ve never hung out except for at work (and she’s busy 24/7). Another girl I thought of I was really close with a few years ago when we were both in ballet training. I would love her to be a part of my wedding since ballet is such a big part of both of our lives, but we only got in contact with each other after I got engaged. We do plan on hanging out more often but still don’t really talk.

I don’t want to ask people only because I “need fillers” to make the parties even…

Suggestions?

STUCK IN THE BOX  -

Your FMIL is in the wrong here - uneven sides are fine. BUT - she's paying for a large portion of the wedding and she gets a say. Typically the parents shouldn't have a say in who the wedding parties are, but if your FMIL is as big of pain in the ass as she sounds, she'll make a huge deal about you not doing what she wants. 

The only real advice I can give you is to decline her money altogether and pay for the wedding yourselves. Then her opinions won't matter.

mysticl

bmydesigner said:

Your MIL sounds like she's being ridiculous. There is a rule that says h/she who pays gets a say but I'm pretty sure that has nothing to do with the bridal party.

Rule of thumb around here is to pick who you would have help you hide a dead body at 3am. Pick your nearest and dearest, and definitely do not pick people just to be fillers.

Take it from someone who picked too many people to be bridesmaids: be very, very careful about this decision. You and your FI should choose who YOU want to choose and who YOU are close with. That means family is not necessary, and neither are fillers.

Good luck

I feel like it should really be "he/she who pays gets a say in what they pay for".  So they get venue approval, food approval, etc.  But unless they are holding auditions and hiring the wedding party they don't get a say in who is in the wedding.  Now they could say we will only pay for X amount of flowers in which case if your wedding party exceeds that you need to pick up the tab for the rest or come up with an alternative. 

Of course some people might try to hold the money hostage (i.e. if you don't have little Susie as your flower girl we won't pay for anything.). In that situation you have to decide if it's really worth it to take their money because you will be setting a precedent for your entire relationship.

bmydesigner

mysticl said:

bmydesigner said:

Your MIL sounds like she's being ridiculous. There is a rule that says h/she who pays gets a say but I'm pretty sure that has nothing to do with the bridal party.

Rule of thumb around here is to pick who you would have help you hide a dead body at 3am. Pick your nearest and dearest, and definitely do not pick people just to be fillers.

Take it from someone who picked too many people to be bridesmaids: be very, very careful about this decision. You and your FI should choose who YOU want to choose and who YOU are close with. That means family is not necessary, and neither are fillers.

Good luck

I feel like it should really be "he/she who pays gets a say in what they pay for".  So they get venue approval, food approval, etc.  But unless they are holding auditions and hiring the wedding party they don't get a say in who is in the wedding.  Now they could say we will only pay for X amount of flowers in which case if your wedding party exceeds that you need to pick up the tab for the rest or come up with an alternative. 

Of course some people might try to hold the money hostage (i.e. if you don't have little Susie as your flower girl we won't pay for anything.). In that situation you have to decide if it's really worth it to take their money because you will be setting a precedent for your entire relationship.

I agree!

In the case that they start making threats to not pay if the wedding party isn't how they want it OP, I would deny the money and come up with it myself.

Jen4948

The wedding party is one area where it doesn't matter if anyone else is paying; only the couple should get a say. Whatever you do, you'll need to get your FI to have your back in this. He should tell his mother, "Mom, pixiesnidget and I appreciate your contributions to our wedding, but it's not okay with either her or me for you to choose our attendants. That has to be our decisions alone. Also, we are not going to ask strangers or anyone else to act as 'fillers' or ask anyone to step down in order to have even sides. Please consider the subject of our wedding party closed."

pixiesnidget

I really appreciate the input.

I think I will just have the FI and I sit down with her again and explain how we want those who are very close to us to be in our wedding party, even if it means uneven sides. I'm hoping that it won't come to her threatening to not help pay, not because I need her money, but I would just hope she understands where I'm coming from and respect that. It is her money if she does - and I would come up with it somehow.

Thanks everyone!

ACEsq

Good luck, OP! I kind of know how you feel - my FPIL are paying for our wedding, and I've definitely felt pressured into things I don't want. I'm really reserved and don't like seeing myself on film (I have super low self esteem) but my FMIL really wants a videographer. I pushed back as much as I could without being like "NO, REALLY REALLY REALLY NO" and now I am going to have a videographer following me around while I get ready with my best friends and mom and I'm already dreading it. Seriously, stand your ground, or you'll regret it.

atlastmrsg

My mom volunteers as a wedding coordinator at her church certain months of the year.  One of the things that frustrates her to no end, and often ends up stressing the bride out, is herding around big bridal parties (tons of bridesmaids, groomsmen, flower girls, ring bearers, etc.)  You may actually have a less stressful wedding day if you aren't herding around a ton of bridesmaids, etc.  Don't be afraid to go smaller--having a big wedding party for the sake of it being big may not be all that fun in the end.  I had my best friend stand with me, and it was low stress.  Loved that.

fall2015bride

I'm in a similar situation where I really have nobody to ask!!! It sounds like if it absolutely must be even, maybe your ballet friend would work out? Especially if you plan on getting together really soon? I'd probably rather ask her than the co-worker.

lodele47

Our wedding party is uneven and I'm OK with it. We initially had two each but my fiance really felt like he was slighting some of his guys friends by not asking them so we decided to expand. I told him I would add 2 more girls but I wasn't comfortable adding a 3rd just for sake of matching sides. 

Your FMIL is driving ME nuts haha. Do what YOU are comfortable with and explain to her if she suggests something you are not OK with.