Just out of School

mklam

Hello all,

I am in an awkward point right now and could use some advice. I just graduated this semester with my BA (at age 20....) and my boyfriend/fiancee is graduating next semester. I have a fulltime salary job in the financial industry and am going back to school next year to become a CFP. My man is in the USMC and 5 years older than me. We just moved in together and seriously, its going really well. 

We've been engaged for a couple of months but have told no one because, well frankly my parents. I have 2 dads (one adoptive/step, and one bio) who both have a lot of influence and think that I am still 5 years old. I know my mother would slowly be okay with it (especially if we have a long engagement... which we will to save money for the wedding. We're setting a tentative date for October of 2017!). My dads however, would not be so forgiving.

So to cut to the chase. What do we do? I suggested we wait for a ring/public proposal until next year sometime so we would have lived together for almost a year. My man is not excited about waiting but is willing to do it... I don't know. I'm just concerned I'm not doing something right here.

Thanks!

drptobe14

Hi! Congratulations on your engagement!

Honestly, if it was me, I wouldn't keep my engagement a secret. That could cause serious issues in your relationship.

Having your parents' blessings is great, but not necessary. You're an adult and can make decisions about your relationship. My parents have never approved of my relationship because they feel like I can "do better". This translates to a doctor or lawyer or whatever. I'm marrying a great guy who treats me the way I expect to be treated.  When I got engaged, my parents yelled at me...straight up yelled until I hung up on them. Did it hurt? Oh yeah. Was it the end of the world? No. It would've really hurt my FI if I'd wanted to hide our engagement.

At the end of the day, it's whatever you and your FI decide, but it sounds like he's not on board with hiding your engagement. This really could cause serious issues. Plus if it comes out to your family that you hid your engagement, it'll create more problems and could potentially break their trust in you.

Good luck with everything and congratulations again! I hope everything works out for you!

*I also apologize because this will probably look like a cluster after TK eats my paragraphs.*

manateehugger

mollysonnotice said:

Hello all,

I am in an awkward point right now and could use some advice. I just graduated this semester with my BA (at age 20....) and my boyfriend/fiancee is graduating next semester. I have a fulltime salary job in the financial industry and am going back to school next year to become a CFP. My man is in the USMC and 5 years older than me. We just moved in together and seriously, its going really well. 

We've been engaged for a couple of months but have told no one because, well frankly my parents. I have 2 dads (one adoptive/step, and one bio) who both have a lot of influence and think that I am still 5 years old. I know my mother would slowly be okay with it (especially if we have a long engagement... which we will to save money for the wedding. We're setting a tentative date for October of 2017!). My dads however, would not be so forgiving.

So to cut to the chase. What do we do? I suggested we wait for a ring/public proposal until next year sometime so we would have lived together for almost a year. My man is not excited about waiting but is willing to do it... I don't know. I'm just concerned I'm not doing something right here.

Thanks!

So, I'm of the opinion that if you can't stand up to your parents about who you want to marry, you're not ready to be married. Your husband will take priority in you life - above your parents. You don't need their blessing. I understand wanting to have it, but you don't need it.

So my suggestion is do what you two need to do in your relationship WITHOUT consideration about parent reactions. And then you do not hide the nature of your relationship. You tell your parents about your decision and say you hope they can support and love you as you work toward a sucessful relationship with your new FI. If they cannot be supportive, take a step back in your relationship with them.  

And I'm sure you wont love this advice - but I'd go with having a long engagement, not just because you're young, but because you're young AND you're marrying someone in the military. Becoming a military spouse is not easy; think about what it will mean for your career and your family (meaning current family and children if you plan on having any) for the next PCS.

Can you accept putting your career goals on hold? Can you handle moving every 2-3 years, sometimes with little notice? What will you do if you have your dream job and he gets sent to the other side of the country (I ask this one because my FI and I currently grappling this, and it has been rough)? Or if he gets sent abroad? Will you regret not setting off on your own or making your own way? What are your terms for long distance engagement/marriage if he gets new orders while you're in school?

I'm about your FI's age and engaged to an active duty Soldier. Let me tell you, finishing school (I just wrapped up my masters a few weeks ago) and trying to figure out what your career and life will look like while you're married to someone in the military is TOUGH. You often lose the ability to compromise in your relationship due to the military. There were a lot of things I didn't think about at 20 when I was with him that have hit me in the face over the past 5 years. 

So my advice is do what you two need to do now and then take your time and learn to adjust to life together.

Good Luck!

buttercup1958

I don't think you should hide your engagement.  Own it, you are an adult and have a full time job. They can only have so much influence and that would because you are letting them. Hopefully you have discussed careers, kids, ect particularly with your SO being in the military. Those things definetly should be figured out sooner than later. Good Luck!

JCbride2015

I'm 100% with PDKH, although I don't have personal experience with a military SO.  But I do have personal experience with knowing at a very young age that you have found "the one."  Fi and I have been together since high school.  We waited on getting engaged because we wanted to establish independent lives and strong careers, and start our marriage from a good financial and personal foundation.  We will be 27 and 30 when we marry next year (together 12 years by then). 

If you are overly concerned with what your parents think, you should evaluate your readiness for marriage.  You're starting your own family with Fi now.  He comes first, and it sounds like he does not want to conceal your engagement.  Just live your lives the way you want.  Be respectful of your parents, be honest with them, and keep lines of communication open.  But don't let your dads dictate your life choices.  You're an adult and you sound like you've made plenty of good choices in your life on your own.

mklam

Thanks everyone.

To answer PDKH, I am a military child. I grew up in this lifestyle and know no other. At 20 years old I have lived in 17 different states and 2 different countries. His lifestyle is my lifestyle. I can't live in the same place for more than a couple years, I get bored quite frankly, and the only reason I am still in the Bay Area is because of my fiance. I would have already left if he wasnt here. Anyway, he wont be moving for a while. He just got back from a tour in good old Afghanistan, so they're keeping him here for a bit.

Job changes are changes. I am going to be a registered CFP which is a highly desirable field. I can get hired in many places with this degree, so job security is something I am alright with.  

I know its not necessary, but my family is so important to me, well some of them. Actually my family is messed up. 

The one I really want support from is my mother. She's like the second most important person in my life (aside from my man obviously). She got married at my age, and that was a horrible decision. My father (The man she married then) left us and took everything from her. So her support is the one I look for. And last week we were talking about my fiance (we were in a huge car wreck that wasnt our fault and his neck was really messed up) and she said "well I'm glad you're living with him then, at least you aren't getting married or anything"

.

What. I have no idea where that came from. But now I'm worried. But, hey, I guess she'll get used to it.

but for an update to all who are curious. He's saving up for the ring he wants me to wear as my engagement ring (instead of the one he got as a "placeholder for the real one"). He thinks he'll have it in the next couple months, when he has it, he wants to ask her permission, so I'm gonna let him try that one out (I already warned him). When (if?) he has it he wants to do a, I guess you would call it "official" proposal (which I can't know anything about according to him and my best friend haha). 

His preference, not mine, I frankly don't care if we have that traditional proposal since we're technically engaged already and are already starting wedding prep (See topic Bay Area Budget Venues).

So for those who dont want to read all that, we said screw it, he's buying a ring, asking my mother for permission (whether she'll give it is another story), and then proposing openly (even though we're technically engaged and we're telling our friends that). So Thanks all!

mklam

sorry for the crazy font changes. I don't really know what happened there. Looked normal as I typed it