Cancellation wording?

jenna8984

You may or may have not read my other post but we decided a big wedding was just not our cup of tea after all. We canceled the venue (fully refundable deposits on venue and all vendors) and we are still getting married that day with our immediate families, small wedding party & their SO's (23 people). 

I'm re-purposing my 'Thank You' cards because I thought I was being proactive when I addressed and stamped all of them already. I cut off the front page that says Thank You and I will send the inside of the card which is blank with a small design. Just not sure what to write on it. Please help- I was thinking: 

Regretfully, we (do I use 3rd person here?) have decided to cancel the formal wedding scheduled for September 13th. 

We (3rd person?) will still be married (don't want them to think we broke up) in the presence of immediate family and wedding party. (do I even mention that these people get to be there?)

Thank you for your understanding, we love you. 

theartistformerlyknownas

Hmmm...you haven't "canceled the formal wedding," you've just modified it. I'd stay away from that wording, but idk what else to say.

doeydo

Hmm, how about:

The wedding of 

Bride's Full Name 

and 

Groom's Full Name 

will no longer be taking place as planned.

The ceremony will be held privately 

in the presence of the immediate family 

JCbride2015

jenna8984 said:

You may or may have not read my other post but we decided a big wedding was just not our cup of tea after all. We canceled the venue (fully refundable deposits on venue and all vendors) and we are still getting married that day with our immediate families, small wedding party & their SO's (23 people). 

I'm re-purposing my 'Thank You' cards because I thought I was being proactive when I addressed and stamped all of them already. I cut off the front page that says Thank You and I will send the inside of the card which is blank with a small design. Just not sure what to write on it. Please help- I was thinking: 

Regretfully, we (do I use 3rd person here?) have decided to cancel the formal wedding scheduled for September 13th. 

We (3rd person?) will still be married (don't want them to think we broke up) in the presence of immediate family and wedding party. (do I even mention that these people get to be there?)

Thank you for your understanding, we love you. 

Yes, I'd use "we" and sign the card from both of you.

The wording on the private ceremony is tricky, because normally you wouldn't include that at all.  It makes people aware of something they aren't invited to.  But I understand you don't want people to think you broke up.

Dear X,

We have decided to cancel our formal wedding, scheduled for September 13, 2014.  We still plan to be married, but our personal situation has changed and we will not be holding a formal celebration.  Thank you for your understanding during this time.

Love,

Jenna and Fi

JCbride2015

doeydo said:

Hmm, how about:

The wedding of 

Bride's Full Name 

and 

Groom's Full Name 

will no longer be taking place as planned.

The ceremony will be held privately 

in the presence of the immediate family 

I like this if you want a more formal, announcement-like card.  Mine was more like a letter or a note.

Ven&Radio

doeydo said:

Hmm, how about:

The wedding of 

Bride's Full Name 

and 

Groom's Full Name 

will no longer be taking place as planned.

The ceremony will be held privately 

in the presence of the immediate family 

I like this wording. 

jenna8984

Thanks @doeydo! That is probably the most appropriate. I'm sure I will field many texts/emails asking why, that ought to be fun. My new advice to everyone will be not to do save the dates LOL 

CMGragain

The correct wording for cancelling a wedding is "The wedding of Bride's Full Name and Groom's Full Name will not take place."  No further explanations.
Now for the problem.  You are not cancelling the wedding!  You are un-inviting the people who were either sent STDs or invitations.  This is not acceptable.
You need to reschedule your private ceremony to another date!  If you keep your same date, you are being very rude to your former guests.  Find a different time that works for your family, and get married quietly.  Then you send out wedding announcements to friends and family who were not invited.  This does not mean that they should send you a gift.

Brides Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
announce their marriage
New date
City, State  (No other details!)

or

Mr. and Mrs. Bridesparents
announce the marriage of their daughter
Bride's First Middle
to
Mr. FI's Full Name
Date
City, State

jenna8984

@cmgragain Sorry, not happening. My parent's flights are booked and the honeymoon is booked. It's happening on that day. The original guest list was all "friends". No aunts/ no uncles/ no cousins/ no coworkers/ no friends of my parents/ only friends my age. So none of them will be pissed or hurt. 

arrippa

I was invited to a wedding that was changed to a family only wedding on the same date. I was mad because I already bought my tickets to fly there I had  to cancel and I got a huge penalty I had to pay.  Please make sure no one has spent any money for your wedding.

buttercup1958

I think this is ok. But if anyone spent money to get to your wedding, I think you should reimburse them.

jenna8984

arrippa said:

I was invited to a wedding that was changed to a family only wedding on the same date. I was mad because I already bought my tickets to fly there I had  to cancel and I got a huge penalty I had to pay.  Please make sure no one has spent any money for your wedding.

Nope, only my parents whom will be attending. No other guests were out of town and if they had been I would make sure they were either invited or reimbursed.

doeydo

Oh, I didn't realize you were planning it on the same date and everything and just uninviting guests.  I agree with CMGragain in this case.  

CMGragain

I understand that you are going to do what you are going to do, but it wouldn't be right if I didn't warn you that this isn't good etiquette.

photokitty

Sorry, but I have to agree as well. I'd feel pretty crappy being uninvited when a third of the original guests still get to go. Are you sure you can't just scale back and host everyone without the frills and stress?

ETA - have to add...I'm in my 30's and my feelings would be totally hurt, but I might not tell my friend. It would affect how I feel about our relationship...I'm mean I'm not good enough to go but 23 other people are

SBmini

Definitely do we since you are speaking for both your FI and yourself. 

I would start off with a thank you then go into the bad news:

Thank you so much for supporting us in our lives and considering sharing our special day for us. Due to a number of circumstances, we have decided to change our wedding plans. Unfortunately- this means that the beautiful wedding we had planned to share with our friends and family is no longer going to happen. We will still be getting married, but in a small, private ceremony in the presence of our immediate family.

We thank you all for your support and understanding.

RebeccaFlower

shrekspeare said:

jenna8984 said:

@cmgragain Sorry, not happening. My parent's flights are booked and the honeymoon is booked. It's happening on that day. The original guest list was all "friends". No aunts/ no uncles/ no cousins/ no coworkers/ no friends of my parents/ only friends my age. So none of them will be pissed or hurt. 

Isn't this something we hear all the time?

I totally would be both if I was in this situation. 

selenathegreat

JCbride2015 said:

Dear X,

We have decided to cancel our formal wedding, scheduled for September 13, 2014.  We still plan to be married, but our personal situation has changed and we will not be holding a formal celebration.  Thank you for your understanding during this time.

Love,

Jenna and Fi

This is the best wording I think. It's true without making people feel like they didn't make a certain cut. If I got wording like that I don't think I'd really have hurt feelings -- I'd just be worried that something terrible had happened, but you can't really avoid that.

Fran1985

shrekspeare said:

jenna8984 said:

@cmgragain Sorry, not happening. My parent's flights are booked and the honeymoon is booked. It's happening on that day. The original guest list was all "friends". No aunts/ no uncles/ no cousins/ no coworkers/ no friends of my parents/ only friends my age. So none of them will be pissed or hurt. 

Isn't this something we hear all the time?

I was going to say we always say people aren't mind readers. We also say don't do save the dates to everyone because of this very reason. 

Angusaur

IMHO I would not side eye the uninvited guests for being hurt or pissed. Like Fran said, you have no idea how these people will feel. I understand you have to do what's best for you, but understand these other people might feel slighted. That said, I do agree Doeydo's wording is best. It's truthful and to the point. It might be nice to send out announcements after the wedding.

AddieCake

To be honest, I would not be upset unless I was out money, and none of her guests will be. I am not saying none of her guests will be upset, but I personally wouldn't be and don't see this as a big deal.

theartistformerlyknownas

I think I would be disappointed, but not mad. As long as I wasn't out money, and I didn't find out you had 2 dozen friends but NOT me, I'd get over it.

grumbledore

lolo883 said:

Hmmm...you haven't "canceled the formal wedding," you've just modified it. I'd stay away from that wording, but idk what else to say.

I agree.  I mean, pretty much everyone here told you, "You can cancel, but reschedule completely, don't just cut a bunch of people."

So... ok.

grumbledore

jenna8984 said:

@cmgragain Sorry, not happening. My parent's flights are booked and the honeymoon is booked. It's happening on that day. The original guest list was all "friends". No aunts/ no uncles/ no cousins/ no coworkers/ no friends of my parents/ only friends my age. So none of them will be pissed or hurt. 

Do what you want, but you've been here long enough to know better than the bolded.

jenna8984

I realize some of you think it's in bad form and it may hurt some feelings but that's up to me and my fiance. We do not have a big, close group of friends or people who care about us. The people who are invited are our parents, grandparents, siblings families, and our 2 best friends who have been there through it all and we speak to daily. Those are the only people we are close to in life. So for someone to say "how come she makes the cut and I don't?" It's because she's my freakin grandmother or she's my #1 best friend that is my rock. I don't think that's unreasonable.

I know this sounds shitty but the people being cut are being cut because they aren't good friends. I have all of these "friends" who used to be my friends in high school. But over the last 5-10 years I try to call them, text them, hang out with them and I get nothing from them. I know some people are just bad at keeping in touch and have oher things going on in their life, but they can't expect the friendship to survive with 100% effort from me and 0% effort from them. I call people and try to get together with people weekly and they blow me off, blow me again off and I never see them until I get invited to their stupid baby shower or something. Like I said, this isn't a new development, these people have been doing it to me for years. When we first started planning, we thought we were obligated to invite them all just based on us knowing them forever and being invited to their stuff.

But now we realize that it's not worth it to us to spend thousands of dollars to have these people that can't be bothered with us the other 364 days a year. I'm sorry if that sounds bad but it's the truth. We're saving for a larger home and that money can go a long way rather than hosting a bunch of people that I'll never hear from again (until they want another shower gift). So they really have no right to get their feelings hurt and if they do, I don't care because mine are hurt weekly when I try to get together and receive no answer.

So thanks for your opinions, I do appreciate the time you take to write but I know what is best for myself and my future family. I agree that I messed up in the beginning, I should have come to this realization earlier and not sent them all save the dates. I f-ed up there. I agree that a different day would have been the preferred choice, and if my parents and photographer friend lived in town, we'd do it tomorrow. But their flights are already booked and vacation time is already scheduled so that's unfortunately the weekend it needs to happen. Not that I need to justify myself, I just wanted to give a further explanation so you could see that these aren't great friends we are doing this to and won't affect the future of our relationships with these people. Thanks.

theartistformerlyknownas

^And I think that's what some of us were saying... as long as you didn't change the circles of friends that you were inviting, and say "it's a private wedding now" but still have 50 friends there, you're fine. But you're not. Nobody's questioning whether Grandma should be invited over your 8th grade lab partner.

People said it could be a relationship-ending or -changing move to uninvite people, but it sounds like you're ok with that. It doesn't sound like these are people you plan on remaining "friends" with, so I would still just apologize in your note because you're a kind person trying to be as polite as possible in a shitty situation, and then move on. You can't assume they won't be offended or hurt. You just have to accept the level to which you could offend them, own that you're not doing the proper thing, and not be surprised if they REALLY never speak to you after this.

Fran1985

jenna8984 said:

I realize some of you think it's in bad form and it may hurt some feelings but that's up to me and my fiance. We do not have a big, close group of friends or people who care about us. The people who are invited are our parents, grandparents, siblings families, and our 2 best friends who have been there through it all and we speak to daily. Those are the only people we are close to in life. So for someone to say "how come she makes the cut and I don't?" It's because she's my freakin grandmother or she's my #1 best friend that is my rock. I don't think that's unreasonable.

I know this sounds shitty but the people being cut are being cut because they aren't good friends. I have all of these "friends" who used to be my friends in high school. But over the last 5-10 years I try to call them, text them, hang out with them and I get nothing from them. I know some people are just bad at keeping in touch and have oher things going on in their life, but they can't expect the friendship to survive with 100% effort from me and 0% effort from them. I call people and try to get together with people weekly and they blow me off, blow me again off and I never see them until I get invited to their stupid baby shower or something. Like I said, this isn't a new development, these people have been doing it to me for years. When we first started planning, we thought we were obligated to invite them all just based on us knowing them forever and being invited to their stuff.

But now we realize that it's not worth it to us to spend thousands of dollars to have these people that can't be bothered with us the other 364 days a year. I'm sorry if that sounds bad but it's the truth. We're saving for a larger home and that money can go a long way rather than hosting a bunch of people that I'll never hear from again (until they want another shower gift). So they really have no right to get their feelings hurt and if they do, I don't care because mine are hurt weekly when I try to get together and receive no answer.

So thanks for your opinions, I do appreciate the time you take to write but I know what is best for myself and my future family. I agree that I messed up in the beginning, I should have come to this realization earlier and not sent them all save the dates. I f-ed up there. I agree that a different day would have been the preferred choice, and if my parents and photographer friend lived in town, we'd do it tomorrow. But their flights are already booked and vacation time is already scheduled so that's unfortunately the weekend it needs to happen. Not that I need to justify myself, I just wanted to give a further explanation so you could see that these aren't great friends we are doing this to and won't affect the future of our relationships with these people. Thanks.

We don't "think" its bad form it is bad form. Its extremely rude to not send an invite to people who got a save the date. We always say the exception is if you are willing to lose the friendship, which is sounds like you are. So I agree with Lolo- you send a heartfelt note and apologize. It really doesn't matter that these "aren't great friends you are doing it to." We don't give advice that says don't be rude to great friends, but second cousins or whoever is fine to be rude to. We say don't be rude to anyone.

grumbledore

You are obviously going to do what you are going to do. Just like everyone else who ever posted on TK in the history of ever. All we're saying is, you're not doing it the appropriate way. That's your choice.

AddieCake

lolo883 said:

Nobody's questioning whether Grandma should be invited over your 8th grade lab partner.

I will be forever grateful to my 8th grade lab partner. Thank you, Shane, for removing the fetal pig from the giant bucket 'o fetal pigs for us. I really should have invited him.