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Chit Chat

Sad day/Plans changing? *UPDATE*

gladyscfgladyscf member
500 Love Its 100 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
edited June 2014 in Chit Chat

My step-dad (76 yr old) has had skin cancer for years and has been treating for it. The type he has is called squamous cell carcinoma. A seed of this dropped down and spread to his left side lymph node in his neck a year and a half ago. He had the lymph node and the mass removed along with half of his ear and a large portion of the left side of his face. He then went through radiation. A few months ago we found out that another seed had dropped down and attached itself behind rib number 7. Back into surgery to have ribs 6, 7, and 8 removed along with a tennis ball size mass. During surgery they found another mass on the other side of his lung. He’s had a rough recovery from that surgery and was supposed to start chemo.

He’s not a big man. Probably weighed 150-160ish when he was healthy but yesterday he weighed in at 92 pounds. He’s about 5’2”.

He had decided not to do radiation this time around so was starting chemo. He had one chemo treatment and then developed COPD. He was a long time smoker so this isn’t all that surprising. However, he also has Chronic Lumphocytic Leukemia which has remained dormant throughout all of this. He was supposed to have another round of chemo yesterday but his Dr. said no. That he is too frail and that they are afraid that more chemo will trigger the leukemia active.

That all being said. My dad has now opted to not further any treatments and just wants to be kept comfortable. They put him on oxygen yesterday.

We’d chosen to get married in January in Vegas but since that decision, a lot of these health issues have escalated. We’ve sent out STD’s but I’m considering changing our wedding plans so that he can be there. We’d only invited close family and were expecting 65-70 people.

Would you guys change plans in this situation? I don’t know if anyone has purchased airfare yet but I kind of doubt it since we’re this far out yet. We did get a super deal on a hotel block but if anyone has reserved a room, those would be 100% refundable at this time. We have paid about half of our venue but would lose $1000 in the deposit. I’m not really concerned with that though.

If we did change plans, I don’t think anyone would side-eye it as we are all pretty close and they would understand the situation. My FI has lost both parents so his side would understand why we would move everything up and the majority of the other guests are my dad’s siblings so of course, they would understand.

What are everyone’s thoughts?

Also accepting all thoughts and prayers. 


*msstaticfancypants*
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Re: Sad day/Plans changing? *UPDATE*

  • First off sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

    My advice to you is talk to your dad and immediate family. A couple months ago my grandpa (who is the father figure in my life) got really sick. I considered moving up my wedding so that he could be there. Once I told him my idea he looked right at me and said "absolutely not!" He explained to me that he did not want to turn my wedding into a sad occasion because he was dying. It was hard for me to accept this because I really wanted him there, but I had to respect his wishes. I know that when I do get married he will still be there, just not physically. I find comfort in that.

    If you do chose to move up your wedding, I hope that no one would side-eye it. That would be just ridiculous! Best of luck to you with whatever way you choose!

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  • I'm very, very sorry. Sending lots of thoughts and prayers your way. 
  • Wow, sending thoughts and prayers to you and your family.   I'm so sorry you're going through this.

    I would talk to my dad.  See how he feels about you moving the wedding.  He might really want to be there, or he might not want you to change your plans for him or feel like the wedding is a sad occasion.

    And whatever you do, your guests should understand.  I would decide soon though, to avoid problems with travel plans.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • I would ask him how he feels about it. My mom would kick my butt if I wanted to change my plans for her, but my Dad would want to be able to be there.
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  • Oh, I'm so sorry. This is really a personal decision that you need to make with your family. Friends of mine who are a couple had a similar situation. They lived together and planned on getting married sometime soon (no plans were made yet). When they learned his mother had terminal cancer, they immediately planned a small, family-only wedding. It was lovely and intimate. But as PP noted, some people make a different choice. There's no right or wrong here.
  • Agree with everyone else....talk to your stepdad.  I'm so sorry - so much T&P, for him, for you, and for your family.  Either way, it won't be an easy decision.

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  • So sorry to hear this. My father also had CLL, which he then had a stem cell transplant for - if you haven't already connected with them, the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society operates in every state and is a great resource, for everything from making sure he gets benefits, providing financial assistance, rides to doctors appointments, counseling, patient and family education, etc. My thoughts are with you and I don't think anyone would side eye anything you decide to do. 
  • I'm so sorry to hear this. I'm sending many prayers your way.

    I would say talk to your dad and see how he feels about it.
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  • man, that is a lot to deal with. I am truly sorry to hear this. My dad has CLL, which, thankfully, is currently under control. He does, however, have some other cancers that are hit or miss at the moment. So I, unfortunately, know what it can be like to receive this kind of news.

    Do what makes you (and your dad) comfortable and happy. Everyone else will understand. I know that my dad is SO looking forward to my wedding day, I think it is the thing that gets him out of bed on days where he really can't. I think if I completely changed it for him, he would be upset and feel really bad. But that is my dad. You should talk to yours.

    Again, nobody should get this news. It truly, truly sucks.
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  • I am so sorry to hear about this. Do whatever you feel is right for your and your family, neither decision will be easy. My thoughts are prayers are with you, your father, and your family.
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  • You have already gotten great advice from PPs.  Just wanted to say that I'm so sorry your family is going though this.  Sending Thoughts and Prayers!
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  • PPs have great advice. Sending good vibes! So sorry you're going through this.
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  • That's a tough decision, and is agree that you shouldn't make any changes until you talk to him about it. I really want my grandpa to be at my wedding, but I know that due to his health, he may not make it. I'm going to try to have someone Skype or Face Time him so he can see my wedding from his home if he is not feeling well enough to go. I really won't know until the day of the wedding how he will feel that day, so I want a back up plan set up.
  • Sending Ts and Ps your way. I'm currently battling lymphoma, so I understand how it ebbs and flows. I agree with pps about doing what you feel is right for your family.

     







  • You've gotten a lot of good advice already, so I'll just offer more thoughts to you and your family.
  • Thank you everyone.

    I'm going to talk to him this weekend. I'm fairly certain that he won't want us to change our plans. He doesn't want any extra attention as it is so I can see him saying no. 

    We do estate planning here at work and we talk to clients all the time about end of life choices but when it's one of your own, it sure puts it into perspective. 

    stef42188 thank you for that advice, I'll look into that. He's a Navy veteran so everything is covered through the VA hospital and all of his care has been there. They have been great despite what is going on in the news.



    *msstaticfancypants*
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  • lennonkdclennonkdc member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited June 2014
    OP, first I am so sorry to hear about your Dad, he and your family are in my prayers. 

    I faced a similar issue this winter. My dad was diagnosed with Stage IV throat cancer in January and given 9-12 months. Our wedding was set for September and he told me in no uncertain terms that we were not to change our plans on his account. I wouldn't hear of it and formulated a Plan B- I got my dress ready, FI and I got our rings and talked to our officiant, if it looked like he wasn't going to make it, we would have a small private ceremony with our parents and have a celebration of our marriage (no fake vows, not a PPD) in September. Luckily, he did well on chemo and at under 3 months out we have our fingers crossed. 

    My point is that if you want your Dad at your wedding I think people would understand if you have to cancel LVNV plan. And if you want to do a small ceremony now and have a celebration later, as long as its not a PPD, then I think you'd be fine. 

    Hugs!!! 



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  • Thank you everyone.

    I'm going to talk to him this weekend. I'm fairly certain that he won't want us to change our plans. He doesn't want any extra attention as it is so I can see him saying no. 

    We do estate planning here at work and we talk to clients all the time about end of life choices but when it's one of your own, it sure puts it into perspective. 

    stef42188 thank you for that advice, I'll look into that. He's a Navy veteran so everything is covered through the VA hospital and all of his care has been there. They have been great despite what is going on in the news.



    Didn't want to pry, but had a feeling he might be a vet - Vietnam? One of the main causes of CLL and some rare leukemias (my dad's turned into prolymphocytic leukemia, which is what required the stem cell transplant - CLL, being chronic and not acute, actually has pretty good survival statistics) is exposure to Agent Orange and other substances used during the Vietnam era. Glad that the VA is doing their job in this case. 

  • kla728kla728 member
    100 Comments 25 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2014
    Like so many others I feel like I can relate. My dad was diagnosed with stage three melanoma (local metastases to lymph nodes) in fall of 2012. At that time, Fi and I were not engaged. It threw my brain into overdrive thinking about the future. Dad went through treatment all of 2013, and Fi and I got engaged July 2013 and are planning an October 2014 wedding. 

    It was so hard to decide what to do, especially because I'm in grad school and work FT and would ideally wait until after graduation. Ultimately that is what we decided to do, based in large part on how dads treatment was going. If he had taken a turn for the worse, we may have made a plan b like some others mentioned. He had another occurrence this spring but is doing well. 

    I will say that while you should talk to your dad, he may be resistant to you changing the date to an extreme extent and if you decide moving things up is what is best for you guys hopefully you can get him to come around on that. 

    Thoughts are with you and your family.

    (ETF paragraphs)
  • I might  not be much help here but this is my POV as a healthy MOB:

    My 4th DD got married last Saturday in the wedding she had dreamed of.  I wanted that for her so very much.  If I had gotten sick I would not have wanted her to change her plans.

    As a 2 time bride myself, I was orphaned as a child and my parents weren't there for any of my life milestones - high school graduation, marriages, children being born - nothing.  I would have gotten married in the city dump if it had meant they could have been there and been happy.  It leaves a tremendous hole in my heart that I got to share nothing with them, even after all these years.

    Soooo, as a MOB I wouldn't want my kids to change their plans.  As an orphaned bride - I would have killed to have had them there and changed anything I could to have made it happen.

    Like I said, not much help there, but a different POV maybe.

  • Update:

    I talked to my mom on Sunday. She said not to change any plans, he would not want that and it would upset him more. 

    She also said that she didn't think he would be here in January. I talked to my sister who is a nurse and she thinks we have 3-4 months with him. His body is just too depleted to make it back from all of this. 

    I'm just a big bundle of emotions.
    *msstaticfancypants*
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  • T&P, good vibes and hugs. Sorry you are going through this...just make the most of every day you have with him. :)
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • Thoughts to you and yours. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
  • SBminiSBmini member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Update:

    I talked to my mom on Sunday. She said not to change any plans, he would not want that and it would upset him more. 

    She also said that she didn't think he would be here in January. I talked to my sister who is a nurse and she thinks we have 3-4 months with him. His body is just too depleted to make it back from all of this. 

    I'm just a big bundle of emotions.
    Sending love and thoughts to you and your family. I think this is the right decision. It means you can focus on family instead of your wedding. Make your time with him count.
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  • My heart hurts for you. I'm so sorry. 
  • Sending you lots of thoughts, prayers and hugs. I'm so sorry you're going through. My heart is breaking for you.
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  • Sending more big hugs even though it won't change anything.  Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers in all of this.
  • KaurisKauris member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I'm so sorry for the news you recieved, nothing can prepare you to lose a loved one. Especially a parent. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs!
  • Sending love, Static. :(

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  • sorry for the update, that has to be hard. Ts&Ps.
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