where to post

deemarie072813

hello knotties! 

I have a question... 

so my fiance and I are planning our wedding for October 2015 - we are in the process of moving out of our apartment to his parents house because we are going to be able to save $$ for the wedding and also we will be expecting our first baby in September 2014 (baby was a surprise to us both; but a great surprise of course!). My FI has no ins (due to his profession) so him and I spoke about medical ins for him are planning on once settled into his parents to get legally married so he is on my ins... 

Now, we were discussing our Save the dates and mailing them out in the next few months - he was saying to why not have the mailing label say -- 

Mr. & Mrs. instead of Mine & his name since we are engaged and there is no point of me having my last name anymore (which he is true, i've been waiting to get rid of this last name! lol). I told him that it wouldn't be a good idea because I don't want people to know that we are married yet - because I know for a fact family/friends are going to ask why? should I tell them why? or lie? and do you think it matters if we mail out our STD's as Mr. & Mrs. when technically we will be getting married in the next few months?

theartistformerlyknownas

deemarie72813 said:

hello knotties! 

I have a question... 

so my fiance and I are planning our wedding for October 2015 - we are in the process of moving out of our apartment to his parents house because we are going to be able to save $$ for the wedding and also we will be expecting our first baby in September 2014 (baby was a surprise to us both; but a great surprise of course!). My fiance is a barber (which means no health ins for him) so him and I spoke about medical ins for him are planning on once settled into his parents to get legally married so he is on my ins... 

Now, we were discussing our Save the dates and mailing them out in the next few months - he was saying to why not have the mailing label say -- 

Mr. & Mrs. <redacted> instead of <redacted> & <redacted> since we are engaged and there is no point of me having my last name anymore (which he is true, i've been waiting to get rid of this last name! lol). I told him that it wouldn't be a good idea because I don't want people to know that we are married yet - because I know for a fact family/friends are going to ask why? should I tell them why? or lie? and do you think it matters if we mail out our STD's as Mr. & Mrs. when technically we will be getting married in the next few months?

I  need your opinions  

Thanks ladies

Danielle

If you get "legally married," you are married. Period. You should not try to hide it from people, nor should you plan a "wedding" for next year - you cannot have a wedding when you are already married. You will not find support for this idea on these boards.

edited for your privacy.

beethery

If you're not already married, the labels shouldn't have Mr. & Mrs. on there.

You can invite people to attend your courthouse wedding and forgo the big to-do reenactment afterward. What you are planning for the post-courthouse event is referred to as a 'Pretty Princess Day' and is frowned upon around these parts. Omitting the fact that you will already be married to your guests so that they will attend a reenactment of your wedding is not good.

Also, you should edit your post so that your legal names aren't on there. The internet is a weird place, and while the people here don't mean any harm, lurkers can do creepy shit.

Inkdancer

So, let me break this down:

You are planning on getting married before your "wedding" so your fiance can have insurance.

And you are asking us whether you should be truthful, and address save the dates as husband and wife, or whether you should lie to your guests.

Of course you should tell the truth!

Lots of people will be hurt that they weren't invited to your actual wedding. As your actual wedding is the day you actually get married, and the celebration you are planning is a fake reenactment of that.

If you want to avoid people being hurt and also get your FI on insurance, have a small private wedding now. Be honest with everyone about your situation. Then have a party--just a party, without the trappings of a wedding-- at a later date, with everyone you care about having.

Inkdancer

ETA: nevermind, late quote.

HaileyDancingbear

I seriously hope you did not just post your real full name on the internet.

theartistformerlyknownas

Recommended reading: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/996776/legally-married-now-having-a-real-wedding-stop-here-first-aka-the-ppd-faq-thread/p1

JCbride2015

You have a few options.

1) Wait to get married until you can have the ceremony and reception all on one day.  This can be a large or small party, whatever level of formality you want.

2) Go to the courthouse and get married soon, because you need the insurance.  This is a valid choice and is totally fine.  You have good reasons.  You can invite as many people to this ceremony as you like (or who are allowed by the court).  Just take them out to lunch after to say thank you.  That is your wedding.

3) If you do #2 but you still want to have a big party later when you can afford it, that's cool too.  Call it a "celebration of your recent marriage."  Don't have a redo ceremony (because you already had your ceremony and it would be a reenactment).  Wear whatever the hell you want (others might disagree, but I say it's your body and if you want to wear a white dress, knock yourself out).  Don't do the wedding traditions like bridal party, first dance, bouquet toss because it isn't a wedding.  But what you can do is throw a kick-ass party with whatever budget you're working with.  Have tasty food, some music, booze if you can afford it, and party on!

The most important thing is that you don't lie to your loved ones about your marital status.  If you get married at the JOP for whatever reason, that's your wedding.  Presenting yourselves as engaged, when really you are married, is dishonest and would be quite rude to your loved ones and your guests.

theartistformerlyknownas

Here's what I suggest. Get something that serves double duty as wedding announcements and save the dates for your celebration, not your do-over non-wedding.

Deemarie and DeemarieFI Lastname are pleased to announce their recent marriage!

They were wed in a private ceremony on (date) in (city).

Please save the date for a celebration of their matrimony, 

to be held on (date) in (city).

Slap the "Mr and Mrs" labels on them because by that time it will be true, and send them right after your wedding. Then have a superfantastic blowout of a party, perhaps on your first anniversary, with cake, booze, band, whatever you want. Just no "first" dance, no aisle, no "bridesmaids" (because you're a wife, not a bride), and no fake wedding ceremony because you've already done that.

You're probably thinking "but people do this all the time!" and you'd be right. People do. Those people are rude. Don't be those people.

JCbride2015

lolo883 said:

Here's what I suggest. Get something that serves double duty as wedding announcements and save the dates for your celebration, not your do-over non-wedding.

Deemarie and DeemarieFI Lastname are pleased to announce their recent marriage!

They were wed in a private ceremony on (date) in (city).

Please save the date for a celebration of their matrimony, 

to be held on (date) in (city).

Slap the "Mr and Mrs" labels on them because by that time it will be true, and send them right after your wedding. Then have a superfantastic blowout of a party, perhaps on your first anniversary, with cake, booze, band, whatever you want. Just no "first" dance, no aisle, no "bridesmaids" (because you're a wife, not a bride), and no fake wedding ceremony because you've already done that.

You're probably thinking "but people do this all the time!" and you'd be right. People do. Those people are rude. Don't be those people.

Yes, this is a great idea.  It's your wedding announcement and STD all in one.

iloveotters2014

oooohhhhhh lord....here we go again.

sarawifenow

 

deemarie72813 said:

hello knotties! 

I have a question... 

so my fiance and I are planning our wedding for October 2015 - we are in the process of moving out of our apartment to his parents house because we are going to be able to save $$ for the wedding and also we will be expecting our first baby in September 2014 (baby was a surprise to us both; but a great surprise of course!). My FI has no ins as of right now and was thinking about putting him on my ins... 

Now, we were discussing our Save the dates and mailing them out in the next few months - he was saying to why not have the mailing label say -- 

Mr. & Mrs.  instead of our separate names since we are engaged and there is no point of me having my last name anymore (which he is true, i've been waiting to get rid of this last name! lol). I told him that it wouldn't be a good idea because I don't want people to know that we are married yet - because I know for a fact family/friends are going to ask why? should I tell them why? or lie? and do you think it matters if we mail out our STD's as Mr. & Mrs. when technically we will be getting married in the next few months?

I  need your opinions  

Thanks ladies

Danielle

If your wedding is October 2015, mailing save the dates in the next few months is WAY too early!!

CMGragain

Sorry to disagree.  As soon as you are married (at the courthouse) you should send out wedding announcements.  They are simple and traditional.  Check out Vistaprint for nice, inexpensive ones.

Bride's Full Name
and
Groom's Full Name
announce their marriage
Date
City, State

You send these to all friends and family.

At a later time you invite people to a celebration or anniversary party.  No wedding dress!  No wedding traditions.  You will be a married woman with a beautiful baby!  Congratulations!

David's Bridal has some nice maternity dresses that would be lovely for a courthouse wedding ceremony.  http://www.davidsbridal.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/EndecaConnectionQueryCmd?searchDimension=689&searchDimensionName=&searchSort=&searchKey=All&langId=-1&storeId=10052&catalogId=10051&searchKeyword=maternity&x=3&y=8

theartistformerlyknownas

OP, it's bad form to delete part of your post (besides the names, that's a good call), especially once you've been quoted.

mrsmorales2be

Please, please, please read the PPD thread. And congrats, by the way.

jenna8984

Forgive me if I'm wrong but you post makes you sounds very young. If that's the case, he can be on his parents' health insurance until he is 26 years old.

DanikaMarie0227

I don't know if this is an "acceptable" option but before FI & I were even engaged we became domestic partners for health insurance reasons. Maybe you could do this & that way you aren't excluding anyone from your actual ceremony & celebration. If this isn't an option for you I think @lolo883's suggestion is great.

JCbride2015

Why don't you want your friends and family to know you will be married, OP?

mrsmorales2be

And you're not "technically" getting married in a few months.  You're actually getting married.  Again, congrats.

deemarie072813

we are not married yet - still engaged ... and we are both over the age of 26. I was just trying to get a few opinions that's all - some of you on here are very rude and some are helpful. it is my choice of what we are going to do. like i said i wanted to get a few thoughts, i'm going to make sure this is my last post on this website 

ashley8918

deemarie72813 said:

we are not married yet - still engaged ... and we are both over the age of 26. I was just trying to get a few opinions that's all - some of you on here are very rude and some are helpful. it is my choice of what we are going to do. like i said i wanted to get a few thoughts, i'm going to make sure this is my last post on this website 

For christ's sake! This is the 3rd GBCK today!

lkristenj

deemarie72813 said:

we are not married yet - still engaged ... and we are both over the age of 26. I was just trying to get a few opinions that's all - some of you on here are very rude and some are helpful. it is my choice of what we are going to do. like i said i wanted to get a few thoughts, i'm going to make sure this is my last post on this website 

Just because people told you honest opinions about what is and is not rude to the ones you love...

deemarie072813

and what does that mean?? GBCK

CMGragain

OP, we are trying to help you.  No one was rude.  Have a lovely courthouse wedding.  Wear a wedding dress.  The truth is that you only get ONE wedding day.  Make it special.  You cannot pretend that you are not married once you are.  You can have a great celebration party at a later date.  Just not another "wedding".  Please listen to us.

iloveotters2014

I'm also wondering how old you and your FI are? Because if you are 26 or younger your FI can still be on his parents insurance....if not there are many great affordable insurance plans available on the health insurance marketplace.

If you guys want to get married in a few months...go for it! but don't lie to everyone and have another pretend wedding in a year. Do you really want to start your marriage off on a lie?

ETA: just saw they are over 26...even so still many insurance options. I had no employer insurance for a year, just got my own plan. Never occurred to me to marry my bf (now husband) for his insurance. There are many great ways to get insurance these days.

QueerFemme

When you get legally married, you are married. That is your real wedding.   You shouldn't be worried about your friends finding out, you should be more concerned that your original plan was to lie to your friends and family.

If you want to get married in the next couple of months, you should do that. And let your friends and family know.  And have a big party to celebrate next year. But, that's not a wedding.  You really should read the post on the etiquette board about this.  Whether you want to believe it or not, people WILL judge you and side-eye you if you do this.

lkristenj

"Goodbye, Cruel Knot!"

You think we're being unfair when we're actually just trying to help you not be rude to those you care about most. Why would you want to lie to friends and family? It seems easy to have your cake and eat it too, but sometimes you have to make adult decisions that have adult consequences and not get everything you want. You can have a traditional wedding with everyone and let your FI continue to be without insurance OR you can have a small private wedding now for the insurance benefit and have a celebration (not a do-over fake wedding) later. Anything else is unfair and rude to your friends and family. Sometimes life isn't perfect.

ETA words that inexplicably disappeared and cut off my sentence

KatieinBkln

shrekspeare said:

deemarie72813 said:

we are not married yet - still engaged ... and we are both over the age of 26. I was just trying to get a few opinions that's all - some of you on here are very rude and some are helpful. it is my choice of what we are going to do. like i said i wanted to get a few thoughts, i'm going to make sure this is my last post on this website 

Literally no one is being rude. Good lord.

I was actually thinking to myself how...restrained...everyone seemed to be. Not even a "NOPE!" gif to be seen...

theartistformerlyknownas

deemarie72813 said:

we are not married yet - still engaged ... and we are both over the age of 26. I was just trying to get a few opinions that's all - some of you on here are very rude and some are helpful. it is my choice of what we are going to do. like i said i wanted to get a few thoughts, i'm going to make sure this is my last post on this website 

If you think anyone here was rude to you, how do you justify lying to your friends and family about whether you're married or not? I understand the motivation to get married now, I really do. But please don't lie to them. Chances are they will find out... and likely not forgive you for it.

I was able to add my FI to my health insurance as a domestic partner. This may be an option to you. There are some affordable options to buy as well, or public assistance for unwed mothers and their children.

JCbride2015

Gosh, I was thinking everybody was being friendly and trying to be helpful!  I took the time to type out a pretty long post with various ideas!  Nobody was rude to you.

Yes, it's your choice of what to do.  I really hope your choice is the honest one.

mrsmorales2be

Deemarie72813 - no one was rude or mean to you.  All the advice you were given is sound.  If you've already made up your mind and aren't interested in differing opinions, why did you post?  There's a lot of great advice. lots of fun, and great help and support here, but it's your call.