Friend Vent

pinkcow13

Guys, my friend is driving me crazy. I commented about her a couple of times, most recently in the cheating thread. So, she cheated on her ex- FI with 3 different men for 2 years (before she got engaged and through the engagement), broke off the engagement 3 times, he recently finally moved out. Fine, whatever. Her life, not my place to judge. For a few months now though, I feel that she has changed a lot. She has become such an AW, it's ridiculous, and lately it just really freaking annoys me.

Whenever she happens to hang out with us and FI's cousin is around, she is all over him. She made out with him months ago (he didn't know she was engaged, it was around the second time she broke it off then got back together), and I know he's a grown man (23 or 24), but I can't help and feel protective of him. I've known him since he was like 12, and love him like my own lil cousin, so I feel all "Get your claws off him!" Again, not my business, I won't say anything, it's just how I feel. 

I thought maybe I was just alone in feeling this way, but a few people told me after our engagement party that she seemed really AWish. She wasn't the only single person there, but the only one that others commented on. My cousin (BM) met her that one time and doesn't like her because she saw my friend eyeing her husband. On our way to the after party she was flirting excessively with one of closest friends (and GM), who that week broke up with his GF. Then, as we are looking for the bar she starts talking about how she got the bartenders (from our engagement party) number, and she could call him so that we could find the bar. The second bar is owned by the same person, so the staff was going to the second bar after our party. And she would not shut up about it. Then, we get to the second bar, and her new current "boo" meets her there. Apparently she is now also seeing the bartender from our engagement party.

Today she IM's me at work to tell me she has another admirer at our company. I mean SHUT UP already! And I understand that yes, she recently went through a breakup, but she wanted out for years. On top of that, despite the crap she put her ex through, he still wants to get back together with her, and she lets him take her out, etc., having no intentions to work things out. That just seems unnecessarily cruel to me, and honestly I can't stand it.

I don't know if I'm being too judgmental, and I feel like I'm being a bad friend. She just changed a lot in a short amount of time, and has become really obnoxious. I feel terrible feeling this way, but I can't help it. Okay, my rant is over, I guess I just needed to get it out there. 

pinkcow13

shrekspeare, that's a really good question, and one that I have been asking myself lately. She used to be an awesome person. A lot of fun, a good friend, we work at the same company, and we ended up at the same grad school, so it was nice to have someone in the same place. FI liked her, thought she was a nice person, and we have hung out with her and her FI a few times.

Then, she slowly started changing. I try not to judge people, and I didn't judge her when she first started cheating, but then it just got worse and worse. Now, she is just a different person, and honestly I was thinking the other day that I would not trust her with my FI. I trust him 100%, but I wouldn't trust her if she were alone with him. Now that I wrote that, I realize that I don't feel that way about any of my other friends.

KatieinBkln

I think it's probably okay for you to set some boundaries with her. Like, it's okay if you aren't her "let's talk about boys" friend. You're allowed to change the subject to non-AW, non-man-chasing things. You're even allowed to say, "you know, I'm just really not comfortable talking with you about this."

It sounds like she's going through an I'm Single And Being Crazy With It phase. Hopefully she can get it out of her system, and if there are other things you like about her, it might be worth it to wait her out. But if you don't see a light at the end of the tunnel, maybe it just means you're going in different directions. Sad, if so, but I wouldn't beat myself up over it if I were you. You can distance yourself if you really feel like she's becoming a person you don't want to stay friends with.

That's not to say that this friendship is necessarily dead, ya know? I had to scale WAY back with a friend when she was going nuts on dating websites, hitting on everything with a pulse at every bar, turning every "girls night" into a "play wingman with me" night. I withdrew from the invites, changed the subject a lot, said things like "I have no idea who 'Mike' is. Until you've gone on 5 dates with someone I'm not wasting brain space on knowing their names." Eventually she kind of learned not to bring it up around me, and a while later she seemed to get out of that phase and now our friendship is a lot happier. The same could work for you, I hope!

lkristenj

There must be something going around the interwebs.

I'm having a serious internal struggle with myself over whether or not I still even want to be friends with my BFF of 12 years. A lot of your feelings mirror my own. (Not about the cheating thing, just overall attitude and feelings; she's newly married and not interested in anyone else)

I wish I could say that I knew what to do or had some advice. I just want to say that you aren't alone in this struggle.

AddieCake

I would probably spend less time with her.

pinkcow13

KatieinBkln, yea she is definitely going through some crazy phase. Although a phase is a phase, this seems like a long never ending thing lol. And don't get me wrong, I like hearing about my friends dates, etc. This is just excessive, like she won't shut up about things. 

I'm going to try and back away like you suggested - bean dip the hell out of her. Hopefully she gets out of this phase she is in and goes back to being the cool person she once was.

lkristenj

@pinkcow13 - Actually, come to think of it, my friends "thing" isn't dating and boys, it's that she's pregnant. It's great and I'm happy for you, but can we please talk about something else? I don't talk about my wedding every second I'm with her. If I can do it, so can she. Every little thing comes back to her and complaining about all these pregnancy-related things. She never has anything positive to say.

For example, we've had a lot of heavy rain recently which means voracious mosquitos (apparently if they've had a tougher winter it means only the tough "mean" ones survive). A sane person would attribute being bit by a lot of mosquitos to the heavy rain and puddles that let them reproduce. Nope. It's because she's pregnant. Because she "never" got bit before she was pregnant!

It's totally annoying and ridiculous.

HaileyDancingbear

I feel I know a few people like that.  I know one girl who is nice and all, and a decent person in every other aspect, but the second you bring men into the equation, it gets all sorts of gross.  Guys on her Facebook, all scummy dudes too, will just demand bikini pics whenever they see fit and she just obliges.  She's constantly posting pics of super revealing cosplays- and I love cosplay, don't get me wrong.  But Mario doesn't wear bootie shorts and a crop top.  (Side rant- Why do that to a character?  If you want to wear that outfit, why not be Supergirl or one of the other many female characters with a revealing outfit?  Why take a character that totally doesn't wear a revealing outfit, and then make it super revealing?  IDGAF about skin, just be accurate, dammit.  Actually dress like the character.)  

And it's clear she just really thrives on that attention, she needs tons of men pining for her at all times to feel good about herself.  It's sad to me- Nothing wrong with being a bit promiscuous, but jeez, do that because you like sex, not because that's how you determine your self-worth.  

It sounds like your friend is pulling the same crap.  Because screw being proud of yourself for any other reason, there's nothing to be proud about if men aren't hitting on you :P  IDK, for me people like that are hard to deal with.  Again, I have NOTHING wrong with someone who just likes sex and has a lot of sex, it just gets all sorts of gross to me when that stops being something they just enjoy, and something they NEED to define themselves as a person.  

Maybe she'll grow out of it.  I personally wonder about that.  At what point will they be satisfied?  How much of that attention do they need before they've had enough and can focus on something worthwhile again? 

pinkcow13

lkristenj - that is actually really annoying too. My cousin was like that during one of her pregnancies. And she was really annoying about it, because she had a friend who was pregnant at the same time , and she felt that her friend was competing with her. So on top of going on and on about her pregnancy, she would send me tons of screenshots of their conversations. Like please, please, pleaaaase let's talk about something else. And no, I did not get a "competition" vibe from her friend. 

HaileyDancingbear, exactly!!!! If you love sex and are promiscuous, fine! More power to you! I Love Samantha Jones from SATC because she knows what she wants and is not afraid to get it. But once it becomes a cry for attention, it is annoying. I just don't get it! Also, I just can't get over how cruel she was to her ex, I didn't think she was that type of person. I think that's what really annoys me. I see her as gloating about it. She screwed around on her ex, got the ring, then ended it on her terms, and now she has all these "admirers" now that she's single.

Oh! And this REALLY annoyed me. I have a work bff, let's call him J. FI knows him, and we all have hung out numerous times. In fact, I think FI and J exchanged numbers once, something about playing some sport together lol. FI knows that J can be a bit of a creep with the ladies, from some stories I've told him, and what he's seen when he has joined us at the bar. So, I invited my friend to come over after she was at Happy Hour with the work crew if she wanted. She comes over, and the first thing she blurts out "Oh, so J asked me for my number!" I was like "Um, okay, I figured you had it by now." We have all worked together and have gone out after work for years now. Then, we get to the apartment, and of course, for whatever reason, she tells FI "Oh yea so I was at the bar, and J asked for my number. He's such a creep, hee hee!" UGH. I don't need FI thinking that my close friend from work hits on us, because he does not. FI looked uncomfortable.

So on Monday I casually bring it up to J. And he was like "Ugh yea, it was so awkward. She said she was going to meet you so I told her okay, you guys can give me a call and let me know where you are. Meaning I figured you would call me. She was all Oh, well I don't have your number! I almost didn't want to give it to her because you know how she's all over me when she's drunk."

So yea. AW to the MAX.

buttercup1958

I don't know if you are friends with her anymore. I mean I trust all of mine to act like they have a brain and not try to sleep with my SO. I think you should let this die down and see what happens

pinkcow13

@buttercup1958, I think I'm going to try and distance myself from her and hopefully she will snap out of this damn funk she is in.

SBmini

Yeah, I think it is time to cut ties. She's obviously no longer the girl you became friends with. 

theartistformerlyknownas

I went through that with a friend of mine after she lost a lot of weight and got a divorce. It took a few years for her to get the crazy out of her system but she's getting there now.