getting my fi into planning

shauniewalker

Our wedding is 10 months away and we still obviously have some details to tend to. I have no problem taking the reigns in planning the wedding (my second/his first) because I already know what needs to be done. But since it's not just my day I want to include him into details...maybe not all the plans but something! But getting him even slightly involved is like pulling teeth! if it were details like decorations and such I wouldn't mind but getting him to even sit down and give me the names of the people he wants to invite is hard work! It's extremely frustrating and I don't know how else to get him to do what needs to be done.

AddieCake

Sometimes men are just not into it. My husband didn't care about most of the details, so I just ran things by him, and the things he cared about, he put more info in on. As for the guest list, though, you need to explain to him that you cannot proceed forward with much of the other planning until you have at least a potential list created b/c you won't know what your numbers will be. Maybe if he knows that is holding up everything, it will at least get the ball rolling. 

mysticl

Well, 10 months is a lot of time. He may think it's way to early to be thinking of this stuff.  Give him the date you need the names by so that the invites can go out on time and leave it at that.  And give him the actual date, not one that's 3 months early than you need.  Ask him what days/times work for him to look at venues and set up appointments accordingly.  If he won't tell you set them up and give him the date.  It may take you going to a couple without him for him to realize this is happening and if he wants to give input he needs to show up.  

goldchocobo.defunct635829490514903826

Knottie5458811 said:

Our wedding is 10 months away and we still obviously have some details to tend to. I have no problem taking the reigns in planning the wedding (my second/his first) because I already know what needs to be done. But since it's not just my day I want to include him into details...maybe not all the plans but something! But getting him even slightly involved is like pulling teeth! if it were details like decorations and such I wouldn't mind but getting him to even sit down and give me the names of the people he wants to invite is hard work! It's extremely frustrating and I don't know how else to get him to do what needs to be done.

To the bolded note in the quote: I really appreciate you feel this way.  A lot of people unintentionally (or intentionally, whatever) leave the groom out of planning, as if he's just a piece of furniture at the end of the altar. Reality shows do this a lot, and now I think people are starting to feel that's normal...

With that being said, just talk to him.  Some guys aren't into it, others want to tackle tasks, others want to do everything together.  10 months out is a bit of time, so maybe he doesn't feel a need to help or doesn't see the urgency.  Make a guest list and have him check it instead of working on it from scratch.  Then he can add people you forgot or whatever without feeling the need to sit there for hours or something.  I would put together ideas and ask for FIs advice, saying it would only take a moment or two.  "I know you hate flowers and you think they are boring, but I narrowed it down to two choices.  Which do you like better?"

Or give him a task and a deadline "Hey, I know you're busy, but can you see about finding an officiant?  The checklist says this needs to be done by July."  If you deal is tasks and not details, it's easier to digest, I find.  Play it by ear.  If he doesn't want to do any of it, I guess you have free reign.

blabla89

I can understand the urgency to get his side of the guest list, since it's hard to do budgeting without knowing how many people you plan to invite. That's a first step in planning, and I think 10 months out is a good time to start. Maybe you could get him to sit down with you and go over the guest list together? Or maybe you could even get started making a list for his family and then have him review it?

JCbride2015

I generally agree with PPs, but I'll also offer a bit more of a "tough love" approach if you want another tack.  

In our dynamic, Fi is the one with the big family who wants the big wedding.  So personally, I don't want to do all the legwork and just present him with final options.  If this is what he wants, I really need him to be involved.

I've told him that if he's not involved in certain things, they just won't get done.  He wants a religious officiant; I don't really care, I could just call a JOP.  So he knows if he doesn't find a pastor he likes, we're just having a secular ceremony.  I'm not going to do the research for that.

So if just talking to your Fi isn't working, try explaining to him how unfair it is to expect you to do it.  Just tell him if he doesn't help you, it doesn't get done.