Bridesmaid issue....

SailorK+BlueRanger

Hey guys...

So I already chose all of my bridesmaids and I was really happy with my decision. And then came our little game night party yesterday. One of my local bridesmaids was invited (as was my MOH but this story is not about her).

She got drunk off her ass. And was rude, belligerent, and horrid the entire time. And there were people she had never met before that she was even going so far as to yell at. She's been like this a lot before, but it has always been to people who know her well enough to just ignore it. I don't think I've ever been so embarrassed, and I'm going to be honest, it made me terrified of her even being at the wedding, let alone a bridesmaid.

But I really just have no idea what to do about it. I can't uninvite her... she's been my friend for about ten years now. I just don't know how to handle her obvious alcoholism.

AddieCake

What was she yelling? Was she being overly competitive or something? (You said game night). 

SailorK+BlueRanger

I wish that was all it was. She was being incredibly crude. Yelling about her lady parts and calling people names. It had nothing to do with the game. She was completely into her own stuff, like she wouldn't stop going on about how she slept with this guy yesterday and went into grimy detail over it. Even I don't want to hear that and I'm her friend.

AddieCake

That is very bizarre. I honestly don't know what I would do. Could you call her up and ask if she even remembers what she did and maybe that will open the door to ask her to please refrain from talking about that stuff in mixed company? 

SailorK+BlueRanger

She's always been like this. She has no filter and doesn't care to attempt to change it.

CMGragain

It is not up to you to handle anyone's behavior.  It is up to them.  You have a choice.  You can let it go, or you can talk quietly to her when you are alone, and express that you are concerned for her.  She may not react well to this, but at least you have made her aware of your concern.
This is not about your wedding.  This is about your friend.

AddieCake

If she is always like this and you know she isn't interested in changing, I am surprised you are such good friends and that you asked her to be in the wedding party. Sounds like you're stuck.

jneen101

If she has always been like this, I don't know why her behavior on this one night is surprising since you say this is her normal behavior. 

slothiegal

SailorK+BlueRanger said:

She's always been like this. She has no filter and doesn't care to attempt to change it.

Welp....sounds like you knew this when you asked her to be a bridesmaid.  Now you have to deal with that decision.

Liatris2010

For the love of whatever you hold dear, this is not a bridesmaid issue, this is a friend issue. You say she is an alcoholic, and rather than worry about how that will affect her life, you are fretting about how that might impact your wedding. Really think about which one should be worrying about here. Once you realize this is about your friend, and not your wedding, you should have a heart to heart with her. Tell her she is drinking too much and embarrassing herself. Encourage her to seek help and cut back on the drinking. Don't mention your wedding because this isn't about that. This is about your friend struggling with a serious problem. Be a friend.

slothiegal

SailorK+BlueRanger said:

Hey guys...

So I already chose all of my bridesmaids and I was really happy with my decision. And then came our little game night party yesterday. One of my local bridesmaids was invited (as was my MOH but this story is not about her).

She got drunk off her ass. And was rude, belligerent, and horrid the entire time. And there were people she had never met before that she was even going so far as to yell at. She's been like this a lot before, but it has always been to people who know her well enough to just ignore it. I don't think I've ever been so embarrassed, and I'm going to be honest, it made me terrified of her even being at the wedding, let alone a bridesmaid.

But I really just have no idea what to do about it. I can't uninvite her... she's been my friend for about ten years now. I just don't know how to handle her obvious alcoholism.

I think I missed the bolded the first time I read through.

If you believe she has a problem, please reach out to her.  Put the wedding on the back burner and express your concerns for her as a friend, not just as a bridesmaid.  A great resource is Al-Anon, which is for friends and families who are affected by problem drinkers.  

LondonLisa

I agree, this is a friend issue, not a BM issue. Contact AA or Al-Anon and see if there is a way you can maybe attend a meeting with her to support her. You need to let her know that you are here to help her when she wants help, but you cannot watch her continue down this path. 

Try to meet up with her for events that are sober, such as coffee or going to the cinema. 

Her making a scene at your wedding is the least of her problems. Were you not worried about this before? You said you have known her for 10 years. 

climbingsingle

If she's always been like this, why haven't you confronted your friend about what you think is a serious drinking problem? And why did you ask her to be a bridesmaid? 

megxox

You know, i had a very similar issue, we all went out and my bridesmaid was so drunk she was puking in her hands and could barely walk. I told her i was worried about her and she freaked out, naturally. If you are uncomfortable with her in the wedding then say so. I dont think us brides should feel stuck because one of our girls, people change.. people start viewing certain situations differently. You dont want to feel any sort bad on your special day,you dont want to be worrying about her. My other girls offered to keep an eye on her but that isnt fair to them. If you dont feel like she is a good suit, tell her politely she isnt a good fit for the role as a bridesmaid

climbingsingle

megxox said:

You know, i had a very similar issue, we all went out and my bridesmaid was so drunk she was puking in her hands and could barely walk. I told her i was worried about her and she freaked out, naturally. If you are uncomfortable with her in the wedding then say so. I dont think us brides should feel stuck because one of our girls, people change.. people start viewing certain situations differently. You dont want to feel any sort bad on your special day,you dont want to be worrying about her. My other girls offered to keep an eye on her but that isnt fair to them. If you dont feel like she is a good suit, tell her politely she isnt a good fit for the role as a bridesmaid

Ok, this is such crappy advice, I don't even know where to begin. 

Your "special day" doesn't give you the right to begin treating your friends like shit. You obviously asked these women to stand up with you for a reason. Unless you just asked them to be in your wedding just to be props, which then makes you a turd. 

I find it hard to believe this person all of a sudden did a complete 180 from the time before you asked them to be in your wedding. And if you were a good friend, you'd be more concerned about what was going on in your friend's life that could be causing this behavior instead of being worried about how she'll ruin your BIG DAY. 

And there's no polite way to remove someone from your wedding. 

Seriously, how old are you? 

Liatris2010

megxox said:

You know, i had a very similar issue, we all went out and my bridesmaid was so drunk she was puking in her hands and could barely walk. I told her i was worried about her and she freaked out, naturally. If you are uncomfortable with her in the wedding then say so. I dont think us brides should feel stuck because one of our girls, people change.. people start viewing certain situations differently. You dont want to feel any sort bad on your special day,you dont want to be worrying about her. My other girls offered to keep an eye on her but that isnt fair to them. If you dont feel like she is a good suit, tell her politely she isnt a good fit for the role as a bridesmaid

I'm puking in my hands because this post is so sickening. "A good fit for the role of bridesmaid"? What does that even mean? Bridesmaid is a title to honor your best friends, it is not a sobriety award. Good friends don't think "How does this affect my wedding?" when their friends are struggling with things like drinking problems. Perspective, look into it.

SailorK+BlueRanger

We (one of her other friends) and I have spoken to her about this before but she does not want to get help. And the two of us are well versed in AlAnon.

However, I had no idea that she had deteriorated to this point. I see that you are all saying it is about my friend, which it is. But I can't force her to get help, as much as I want to.

JCbride2015

SailorK+BlueRanger said:

We (one of her other friends) and I have spoken to her about this before but she does not want to get help. And the two of us are well versed in AlAnon.

However, I had no idea that she had deteriorated to this point. I see that you are all saying it is about my friend, which it is. But I can't force her to get help, as much as I want to.

Yep, you're right.  I've dealt with an alcoholic in my own life and you can't make them do anything, until it is for themselves.

I'm giving you the benefit of some doubt here because yes, you posted on a wedding board with the title "BM problems," but you also said, "I can't uninvite her... she's been my friend for about ten years now. I just don't know how to handle her obvious alcoholism."  So that makes me think you really care about her as a friend, not just a prop. If you're well versed in Al Anon, you know that all you can do is say you're worried and try to be there for when she is ready to receive help.

As for your wedding, removing her as a BM would be a friendship-ending move.  And it sounds like she needs friends right now.  Does she have other friends who will be at your wedding who can keep an eye on her?  Most importantly, make sure you hire a licensed bartender.  No self-serve drinks, no cousin running a keg.  A licensed bartender will know when she's had too many and will cut her off.

lilacck28

I agree with JCbride2015, but I would go a step further, and point her out to your day of coordinator and bartender (or just the bartender if you don't have a DOC). Warn them that she may over imbibe and act inappropriately, so the DOC should be ready to remove her, and the bartender should be ready to cut her off.