Is this normal? Vent

summerbride2015

My Fi and I live on the west coast and this past weekend we flew to the east coast for his college friends wedding. We checked in at the hotel and then boarded the shuttle to the wedding. We got there at 5pm as it stated in the invite. We were lead into a room for cocktail hour and about a half hour in the bride and groom walked in and started saying hi to people. We overheard people telling them how beautiful the ceremony was. So this is when we knew we were only invited to the reception. I wish they had told us that before we flew across the country. We barely saw them the whole night because the groom stayed by the bar in another room and the bride was outside, not in the reception area. We made a point to find them at the end of the night so we could say goodbye. It all just felt so strange.

The invitation said We invite you to celebrate the marriage of C and E at this place at 5pm. I wish they made it more clear that we weren't invited to the actual wedding. My FI texts with them and they never mentioned it

They are invited to our wedding at the end of August and part of me wants to make them wait outside until the ceremony is over, just kidding

mysticl

Yeah, that's not normal and I'd be really annoyed too.

summerbride2015

I was also invited to her bridal shower but I declined because I had only briefly met her twice and it was also across the country. Being invited to the bridal shower lead me to believe I was invited to the wedding. grr

mysticl

summerbride2015 said:

I was also invited to her bridal shower but I declined because I had only briefly met her twice and it was also across the country. Being invited to the bridal shower lead me to believe I was invited to the wedding. grr

As it well should.

AlexisA01

summerbride2015 said:

My Fi and I live on the west coast and this past weekend we flew to the east coast for his college friends wedding. We checked in at the hotel and then boarded the shuttle to the wedding. We got there at 5pm as it stated in the invite. We were lead into a room for cocktail hour and about a half hour in the bride and groom walked in and started saying hi to people. We overheard people telling them how beautiful the ceremony was. So this is when we knew we were only invited to the reception. I wish they had told us that before we flew across the country. We barely saw them the whole night because the groom stayed by the bar in another room and the bride was outside, not in the reception area. We made a point to find them at the end of the night so we could say goodbye. It all just felt so strange.

The invitation said We invite you to celebrate the marriage of C and E at this place at 5pm. I wish they made it more clear that we weren't invited to the actual wedding. My FI texts with them and they never mentioned it

They are invited to our wedding at the end of August and part of me wants to make them wait outside until the ceremony is over, just kidding

Was it a private ceremony?

summerbride2015

I'm not sure what is considered private but there was no mention of a private ceremony. I overheard at least 8 people saying it was a lovely ceremony but we didn't know anyone except the bride and groom so we didn't ask. I wonder if it was only family? But I still think they should make it known, especially to out of town guests.

alpacalunch

That was a dick move. 

JaxInBlue

It's harder with more variety in the wording of wedding invitations, but the wording you mentioned, "We invite you to celebrate the marriage of C and E" is often given, here and in other places, as an example of how to word an invitation that is reception only.

I don't think that excuses inviting you to the shower and then not to the whole wedding event, but if those responsible for the wording of the invitation came to TK, they may have thought they'd chosen wording that clearly communicated that the marriage occurred prior to the party.

Personally, though, I think it was a crap move to pull - especially since you had to seek them out to say goodbye.

monkeysip

JaxInBlue said:

It's harder with more variety in the wording of wedding invitations, but the wording you mentioned, "We invite you to celebrate the marriage of C and E" is often given, here and in other places, as an example of how to word an invitation that is reception only.

I don't think that excuses inviting you to the shower and then not to the whole wedding event, but if those responsible for the wording of the invitation came to TK, they may have thought they'd chosen wording that clearly communicated that the marriage occurred prior to the party.

Personally, though, I think it was a crap move to pull - especially since you had to seek them out to say goodbye.

I was thinking this too.  It sounds like they used the proper wording in their invitations.

BUT... it's very rude if the B&G didn't make a strong effort to talk to everyone at the wedding.  Especially since these people didn't get to see the ceremony.

And this is also why I just don't really like private ceremonies/large receptions, even though technically they're allowed by etiquette (and excluding any ceremony that HAS to be private, like a mormon temple wedding)

RebeccaFlower

That is really odd. I'm sorry if you feel slighted, I know I would.

CMGragain

As one of the Invitation Board regs, I always discourage that invitation wording because it is too vague.  If I were to invite someone to a reception only (which I would NEVER do!) I would word it like this:

The pleasure of your company is requested
at the wedding reception of
Bride
and
Groom

The wording that the OP received sounds like an invitation to an AHR, where the couple is already married, or worse, A PPD.  The problem with modern or creative wording is that often it doesn't do the job.  An invitation needs to clearly state who, what, when, and where.  In your case, the wording wasn't clear.  For an AHR,

The pleasure of your company is requested
to celebrate the recent marriage of
Bride
and
Groom

summerbride2015

I did think something was up with the invite wording that it might not be the actual wedding but since I had already been invited to the bridal shower I thought they had just picked confusing wording haha. They didn't do any spotlight dances or dance at all with guests, or any toasts or traditions that would have kept them in the room where the reception is so we didn't see them much and kept wondering where they were. Weirdest "wedding" I have been too yet.

beethery

summerbride2015 said:

My Fi and I live on the west coast and this past weekend we flew to the east coast for his college friends wedding. We checked in at the hotel and then boarded the shuttle to the wedding. We got there at 5pm as it stated in the invite. We were lead into a room for cocktail hour and about a half hour in the bride and groom walked in and started saying hi to people. We overheard people telling them how beautiful the ceremony was. So this is when we knew we were only invited to the reception. I wish they had told us that before we flew across the country. We barely saw them the whole night because the groom stayed by the bar in another room and the bride was outside, not in the reception area. We made a point to find them at the end of the night so we could say goodbye. It all just felt so strange.

The invitation said We invite you to celebrate the marriage of C and E at this place at 5pm. I wish they made it more clear that we weren't invited to the actual wedding. My FI texts with them and they never mentioned it

They are invited to our wedding at the end of August and part of me wants to make them wait outside until the ceremony is over, just kidding

I don't know how to word this kind of situation for an invitation, but not letting you know up front was WRONG AS HELL.

Also, requesting that you come to a shower as a friend-of-a-friend? NOPE. I understand that it is ok to invite wedding guests to the shower but like... that is so transparently gift-grabby

B&G not seeking people out to say hey? FUCKED UP.

I have to have a private ceremony, and we're having a MUCH MUCH bigger reception on the same day and everything, but I will be telling people right up front, "Hey we're having a private ceremony with immediate family only. I don't know if that will make a difference to you or not, but if it doesn't bother you, we'll see you at the reception. Love y'all!" We're also not doing a registry, and definitely don't expect gifts.

OnionBreath

I would be so hurt if I didn't get to see the actual wedding!!! I don't understand this though, did they get married that day?? I don't know the etiquette of this, but my friend(I didn't know her at the time) got married on top of a mountain one morning, and it was just them and the JP and later joined everyone for their reception. Is that rude? I always thought it was a "good for them" type thing because I wouldn't have climbed the mountain to see them do it.

Simply Fated

I'm just not a fan of small ceremonies then a larger reception.
I'd be pissed if I traveled a long distance to witness a wedding only to find out I wasn't invited to it.

Vivandiere8

I am always sooo confused by this trend. Why do people even do it? It's not like the ceremony is the part where they have to pay for everyone who attends. Why not invite people to the actual event they are coming to celebrate?!?!

Like, would you invite your friends to a concert, and then when they get there it's just the after party for the concert? So, so weird to me. What is the plus side for the bride and groom? Too many chairs set up will ruin the balance of the pictures? Please someone explain!!

beethery

I can not speak on behalf of all couples who do private non-religious ceremonies. In my case, FI has serious anxiety about being the focus of a crowd. To the point where he had to power through an anxiety attack while he was standing up as best man at his brother's wedding.

He has asked that we have a small ceremony that is witnessed by immediate family, and small WP only. As this time he will be focused on by the group AND will have to speak.

Like I said before, we also plan to forgo a registry 1. Because we don't need anything, 2. Because I feel like it would be rude to put it out there when everyone is not invited to be present for the ceremony.

We also plan to forgo most of the traditional stuff at the reception as well. It will be a very nice plated dinner, with an open bar, followed by dessert and hopefully a wild drunken dance party.

I already feel bad because it might upset people, but I'm willing to sacrifice that for the comfort of my future spouse.

AddieCake

I would definitely be upset having flown in from somewhere.

Nymeru

I would have been upset by this too.  It sounds like they just wanted a bunch of people to celebrate, but didn't care to put the effort in to make sure you felt properly celebratory, appreciated, or respected.

lyndausvi

beethery said:

I can not speak on behalf of all couples who do private non-religious ceremonies. In my case, FI has serious anxiety about being the focus of a crowd. To the point where he had to power through an anxiety attack while he was standing up as best man at his brother's wedding.

He has asked that we have a small ceremony that is witnessed by immediate family, and small WP only. As this time he will be focused on by the group AND will have to speak.

Like I said before, we also plan to forgo a registry 1. Because we don't need anything, 2. Because I feel like it would be rude to put it out there when everyone is not invited to be present for the ceremony.

We also plan to forgo most of the traditional stuff at the reception as well. It will be a very nice plated dinner, with an open bar, followed by dessert and hopefully a wild drunken dance party.

I already feel bad because it might upset people, but I'm willing to sacrifice that for the comfort of my future spouse.

I've actually flown in for 2 weddings like that.  I didn't have any problem what so ever.    It might be that I'm on the knot, but it was clear to me both times it was an reception only invite.   

Disappointed I didn't see the ceremony?  A little, but not a deal breaker.     Both weddings were well hosted parties with gracious hosts.  Maybe that is why I didn't mind.

The reception the OP well sounds different to me.  

ETA - because I'm stupid.

beethery

lyndausvi said:

beethery said:

I can not speak on behalf of all couples who do private non-religious ceremonies. In my case, FI has serious anxiety about being the focus of a crowd. To the point where he had to power through an anxiety attack while he was standing up as best man at his brother's wedding.

He has asked that we have a small ceremony that is witnessed by immediate family, and small WP only. As this time he will be focused on by the group AND will have to speak.

Like I said before, we also plan to forgo a registry 1. Because we don't need anything, 2. Because I feel like it would be rude to put it out there when everyone is not invited to be present for the ceremony.

We also plan to forgo most of the traditional stuff at the reception as well. It will be a very nice plated dinner, with an open bar, followed by dessert and hopefully a wild drunken dance party.

I already feel bad because it might upset people, but I'm willing to sacrifice that for the comfort of my future spouse.

I've actually flown in for 2 weddings like that.  I didn't have any problem what so ever.    It might be that I'm on the knot, but it was clear to me both times it was an reception only invite.   

Disappointed I didn't see the ceremony?  A little, but not a deal breaker.     Both weddings were well hosted parties with gracious hosts.  Maybe that is why I didn't mind.

The reception the OP went sounds different to me.  

Definitely. Not informing guests up front is NOOOOTTTTTTT ok at all. That could be considered bait-and-switch.

PrettyGirlLost

Simply Fated said:

I'm just not a fan of small ceremonies then a larger reception.
I'd be pissed if I traveled a long distance to witness a wedding only to find out I wasn't invited to it.

Me neither, although I could respect the decision IF it was truly private and immediate family and grandparents only, and IF it was made abundantly clear that was the situation and I was only invited to the reception.

As an OOT guest, depending on how close I was to the couple and how far and expensive it would be to travel, I might decline such an invitation.

If I were to go and then find out the couple had a WP that included non family members, or that there were actually 20+ ppl at the ceremony out of a guest list of 100. . . I'm gonna be pissed.

EverAfer

beethery said:

I can not speak on behalf of all couples who do private non-religious ceremonies. In my case, FI has serious anxiety about being the focus of a crowd. To the point where he had to power through an anxiety attack while he was standing up as best man at his brother's wedding.

He has asked that we have a small ceremony that is witnessed by immediate family, and small WP only. As this time he will be focused on by the group AND will have to speak.

Like I said before, we also plan to forgo a registry 1. Because we don't need anything, 2. Because I feel like it would be rude to put it out there when everyone is not invited to be present for the ceremony.

We also plan to forgo most of the traditional stuff at the reception as well. It will be a very nice plated dinner, with an open bar, followed by dessert and hopefully a wild drunken dance party.

I already feel bad because it might upset people, but I'm willing to sacrifice that for the comfort of my future spouse.

I wouldn't be upset if I knew it was just family and WP and if I knew that we're only invited to the reception. I think what you're doing is perfectly acceptable and would like to join you for a wild drunken dance party!

ETA: OP that is just wrong, esp since you had to travel to get there! Even if the wordings weren't clear, when they're texting your FI, they should have made it clear.

blabla89

That is INCREDIBLY rude, whether the invitation suggested it or not. I hope you didn't give them a check...if so I'd be putting a stop payment on it (because I'm vindictive like that) and I probably would mention to the couple that you found it hurtful, especially when you traveled across the country.