Make up your damn mind- Vent.

hikebikebemerry

My parents are divorced.  My Dad is remarried.  My Mom has given up a lot for us, and is now dating (yay!)..

I am so happy that she is dating someone who makes her happy!  I'm a little sad that she has been dating this guy for a few months, and has been lying to my sister and I about it. (i.e. she would go hiking with him, and say that she was going with work friends)  I'm sad because I thought we were closer, but w/e- she's happy, I'm happy.

The issue is that now she has become beyond flaky on plans.  She was supposed to come visit Memorial Day weekend, but then said that she never had any intention of doing so, but then apologized for not coming down because she was tired from work.  She was kind of contradicting herself, but NBD, life goes on, and being too tired to travel is a legitimate reason to not go somewhere.

Two weeks ago, she was saying that she wanted to go dress shopping for the wedding (it's in November- we have plenty of time, but she wanted to go sooner rather than later) so we both looked at our calendars and planned for this Sunday.  I said that I would call the place that she wants to go dress shopping to double check that they would be open that day, because we would both be making the trip to the town that my sister lives in (2-3 hours for us both).  On Tuesday I mentioned that I was looking forward to seeing her on Sunday, and she told me that she'd have to check what she has planned.  I calmly told her that I was under the impression that we had been planning on Sunday for dress shopping.

Her response, "well I don't want to commit to anything until I know what my other plans are." ... Whaaaat?  She pretty much wants to see if she is going to have plans with the guy that she is dating and then she will firm up her plans with my sister and I.  I was raised to never talk back to my parents, and I don't, I just said, "it's not very nice to keep other people on hold- please just decide one way or the other."  She told me I wasn't supporting her decisions.

Fine.  We plan to go dress shopping Monday.  One of my bridesmaids had planned on meeting us at the dress place (it's where she wanted to go shopping for a dress, so it worked splendidly).  I told her that my Mom was coming Monday, so friend and I decided to make it into a girl's day- lunch and then shopping- yay!

This morning I get a text from my Mom, "I have a meeting on Monday- how about Sunday?"

I realize that I sound super bratty, but I need to vent.  While I love my mother dearly, she is always trying to stir up drama between my sister and I, and she is always playing the victim.

emmaaa

That is annoying. she honestly reminds me of my mom and I know the frustration. i think you need to make it clear that you need to know by x day that y'all are meeting x day. Give her deadlines.

Senecaf

You don't sounds bratty, she does.

Sorry, I would keep your monday plans and she can come or not. I know that sucks but she is being very unfain.

pinkcow13

I'm really sorry. You are definitely not being bratty. Keep your plans as they are, if your mom doesn't make it, that's her fault.

JCbride2015

My mom does this too and it's mega obnoxious.  She's not currently dating, but her last two boyfriends (she ping ponged back and forth between them) were both assholes and she would do the same thing.  It's even worse when she's ditching you to spend time with a guy you know is a jerk.

I think there's a way to talk to her about this without "talking back."  Maybe choose a time when things are going well or otherwise neutral, and bring it up respectfully.  Don't make it about the guy, just point out that when she tells you plans are firm, you start planning around that date and it's really inconvenient when she reschedules.  You could also tell her you're happy she's dating and she can just tell you she has plans with her guy instead of saying it's a work meeting or whatever.  You'd rather have a real answer.

flyingfoxes

I agree - tell her the day you're going shopping, and she's welcome to come if she can, but don't change your plans to meet her whims.  She can decide if she wants to show up or not. 

hikebikebemerry

Thanks so much for the advice and making me feel like I'm not way off.

I like the idea of saying, "Let me know by X date if you're going to be at Y place" and sticking to my own plans, rather than being subject to her whims.

I don't think that I'm going to discuss how difficult it is to plan around her inconsistent schedule, because it will likely just start a fight- which she would bring my sister into (I *really* don't want her stressing my sister out, especially because her H is leaving for work for 2.5 months today, so she's already a little sad/stressed).

theartistformerlyknownas

Ugh why do people do that? I have a few friends like that, who won't commit to plans until they can see whether or not anything better comes up. No! If anything else comes up, you say you already have plans! 

There are words for those people though. Let me express them in gif form.

climbingsingle

That's really irritating!

RebeccaB88

I'd say if she's going to act like this, then don't plan on shopping with her for her dress. Just tell her to get one on her own. Actions have consequences - she plays the baby with the plans, then she gets to do things by herself.  I wouldn't keep making plans with her for anything.

RebeccaFlower

I can't stand when people hold out for 'better' plans. You know your place with her so I wouldn't make as much of an effort.

hikebikebemerry

RebeccaFlower said:

I can't stand when people hold out for 'better' plans. You know your place with her so I wouldn't make as much of an effort.

So. Much. This.