Wedding Woes: Long and Boring Rant

perdonami

Not sure if this is where I should be posting something like this, but I need to get it off my chest as my heart is becoming heavy. <rant>

When I first set out to plan this whole wedding at my FMIL's request (she is paying for a little over 50%), I figured it would be a nice and simple beach affair (FIs request: wanted to get married on the beach at sunset). 

Kept the guest list small and found a beautiful hotel right on the beach where a short walk from the ceremony site to the venue site kept things simple. Was able to ensure everyone will be well hosted with a cocktail hour with passing appetizers, a buffet (with vegan options for two of our guests), and an open bar serving a variety of wines, beers, and sparkly fun drinks. 

I found a dress to please most folks for the ceremony and found a dress I'd like to wear for the reception. And am avoiding most traditions, like the bouquet toss or garter toss, but am really only holding onto three traditions: groom not to see the bridal dress till the day of the wedding, first dance, and cutting of the cake. 

I offered my BMs to wear whatever they like and do whatever they like with their hair and make-up. I got attitude for this. I shared some of my ideas for centerpieces and politely explained that I will not be participating in a money dance and I get laughed at and called a bridezilla. In fact one of my BMs expressed her distaste for all my choices and decisions to the point of calling me fat and ridiculous. We haven't spoken on a friend basis in over 3 months now.. She ignores me.. as do the other BMs. I often wonder why anyone would agree to be in a bridal party if they did not care for the bride/groom.. 

I mostly blame myself for this as I chose people who are not close to me as I have few people who are close to me as it is and felt it necessary to select 3 ladies.. I know now this is ridiculous. But, again I ask myself, if you don't care about the bride/groom, why accept the role? 

So, I asked my brother who helped raise me growing up if he would like to escort me down the aisle. He got pissed off and told me our substance abusing father was required to do so. I say, okay than you decline. Later on he asked me how he could help me prepare for the wedding, in his words, "what do you need me to do?" I explained I would like him to be an usher and sit our aunt at the wedding and I needed help setting up the chairs. He got angry and explained he was not a janitor. Demanding to be part of FIs bridal party, I offered him the role of bridal attendant in my own bridal party, he accepted graciously. I understand he needed this to feel important and involved while on his terms. I just wish he understood I already had a very special role for him which was within his right to decline, graciously.  

My aunt has spent a lot of money and time supporting my brothers (her nephews) and my father during this wedding. Attending special lunches to discuss the wedding and buying them suits and dental implants for my father. She has not consulted me on any of this wedding stuff nor invited me to attend any of their outings. When I expressed my concerns that providing a nice suit and set of false teeth will not make me more comfortable with walking with my dad, she got pissed and started gossiping about me to my brothers expressing how presumptuous I am and how dare I accuse her of trying to control my wedding in any way. 

She is planning a co-ed bridal shower and said that even if I didn't want a co-ed bridal shower, she would still force her favorite nephews to go as she needs them to be there with her. So FI reluctantly agreed as he wanted to keep the peace but was uncomfortable with a co-ed bridal shower. She has ignored my request for a different date, selected foods she know I won't eat, and became annoyed with me when I said I needed some time for FI to select some of his guests he would feel comfortable inviting to a co-ed bridal shower. She got pissed and said I need to figure out 30 people in order for her plans to work.. We picked exactly 30 ppl to keep her happy and I am pretty sure there will be some declines.. I hope I will not feel the brunt of this. 

So far, I hear nothing but shit talking about my wedding and myself through the ghetto grapevine of family members. I am being accused of blowing smoke up my brother's ass about wanting him involved in the wedding, that I am ungrateful, that I am trying to exclude my family from the affair since FMIL is paying for wedding and instead refer to it as a carnival rather than a wedding. That I am an inconsiderate and selfish little girl who refuses to walk with her dad or just spend 30 seconds dancing with him. Never mind how I feel, its about how everyone else will feel. Again, never mind the proper hosting I will be doing without any help from my side of the family. But, please do continue to advise me on proper etiquette... 

One of my co-workers let it slip that some of the ladies are planning a bachelorette party for me which is the sweetest thing and the most kind thing anyone has done for me so far. Only problem is they aren't invited to the wedding so now I am not sure about how to go about this bachelorette party situation. 

I feel like I meet resistance at every turn and am constantly bowing to meet other people's requests and needs but no one is taking the time to consider mine except my co-workers. And if I am not met with resistance I am left feeling excluded while gossiped about.

I just want to tell everyone you are not invited to the wedding until you can be supportive of me. Return my calls, stop whispering obscenities about me behind my back, and keep your opinions to yourself about what kind of centerpiece we choose to have. In the end, a lot of what everyone is up in arms about are petty details that no one will remember in the long run. But, I will remember how they made me feel and my guests will remember how they were treated during the reception. And honestly, none of my guests care if I dance with my dad or walk with him down the aisle, no one will care what dresses the BMs wore, no one will care about my dress change, or my floral choices. 

I am pretty sure the only thing my guests will care about is having good food and drink without having to open their wallets and that there was an option to dance and have fun. Oh, and that there was cake. 

Blergbot

That sucks. I'm sorry they are being so difficult. Is it too late to cancel and elope? You would most likely get flak for that, too, but at least you could have a private moment to exchange vows with the person who you are marrying.

freebread03

Awww I'm sorry too!  You are doing everything you can to be a good hostess, and your family just sounds nuts.  You sound like a kind and considerate person, with friends who have taken advantage of you (or something!  friends don't treat their friends like they've treated you) and family who has a very skewed understanding of what is right and what isn't.  But, your co workers sound great, and people who you should continue to develop friendships with!  They sound kind, supportive, and thoughtful. 

As someone who develops deep friendships very very slowly, I understand not having many close friends...I have three who I would ask to be in my wedding, and I probably only talk to them a few times a month, if that.  I actively try to develop new friendships, and have failed along the way because I haven't found people I had enough in common with. Friendships are work-especially new ones.  Now that I've found a group of women that I really enjoy through work and my gym, I actively make an effort to grow closer and be attentive and ask about them.  Its tough!

NYCMercedes

perdonami said:

Not sure if this is where I should be posting something like this, but I need to get it off my chest as my heart is becoming heavy. <rant>

When I first set out to plan this whole wedding at my FMIL's request (she is paying for a little over 50%), I figured it would be a nice and simple beach affair (FIs request: wanted to get married on the beach at sunset). 

Kept the guest list small and found a beautiful hotel right on the beach where a short walk from the ceremony site to the venue site kept things simple. Was able to ensure everyone will be well hosted with a cocktail hour with passing appetizers, a buffet (with vegan options for two of our guests), and an open bar serving a variety of wines, beers, and sparkly fun drinks. 

I found a dress to please most folks for the ceremony and found a dress I'd like to wear for the reception. And am avoiding most traditions, like the bouquet toss or garter toss, but am really only holding onto three traditions: groom not to see the bridal dress till the day of the wedding, first dance, and cutting of the cake. 

I offered my BMs to wear whatever they like and do whatever they like with their hair and make-up. I got attitude for this. I shared some of my ideas for centerpieces and politely explained that I will not be participating in a money dance and I get laughed at and called a bridezilla. In fact one of my BMs expressed her distaste for all my choices and decisions to the point of calling me fat and ridiculous. We haven't spoken on a friend basis in over 3 months now.. She ignores me.. as do the other BMs. I often wonder why anyone would agree to be in a bridal party if they did not care for the bride/groom.. 

I mostly blame myself for this as I chose people who are not close to me as I have few people who are close to me as it is and felt it necessary to select 3 ladies.. I know now this is ridiculous. But, again I ask myself, if you don't care about the bride/groom, why accept the role? 

So, I asked my brother who helped raise me growing up if he would like to escort me down the aisle. He got pissed off and told me our substance abusing father was required to do so. I say, okay than you decline. Later on he asked me how he could help me prepare for the wedding, in his words, "what do you need me to do?" I explained I would like him to be an usher and sit our aunt at the wedding and I needed help setting up the chairs. He got angry and explained he was not a janitor. Demanding to be part of FIs bridal party, I offered him the role of bridal attendant in my own bridal party, he accepted graciously. I understand he needed this to feel important and involved while on his terms. I just wish he understood I already had a very special role for him which was within his right to decline, graciously.  

My aunt has spent a lot of money and time supporting my brothers (her nephews) and my father during this wedding. Attending special lunches to discuss the wedding and buying them suits and dental implants for my father. She has not consulted me on any of this wedding stuff nor invited me to attend any of their outings. When I expressed my concerns that providing a nice suit and set of false teeth will not make me more comfortable with walking with my dad, she got pissed and started gossiping about me to my brothers expressing how presumptuous I am and how dare I accuse her of trying to control my wedding in any way. 

She is planning a co-ed bridal shower and said that even if I didn't want a co-ed bridal shower, she would still force her favorite nephews to go as she needs them to be there with her. So FI reluctantly agreed as he wanted to keep the peace but was uncomfortable with a co-ed bridal shower. She has ignored my request for a different date, selected foods she know I won't eat, and became annoyed with me when I said I needed some time for FI to select some of his guests he would feel comfortable inviting to a co-ed bridal shower. She got pissed and said I need to figure out 30 people in order for her plans to work.. We picked exactly 30 ppl to keep her happy and I am pretty sure there will be some declines.. I hope I will not feel the brunt of this. 

So far, I hear nothing but shit talking about my wedding and myself through the ghetto grapevine of family members. I am being accused of blowing smoke up my brother's ass about wanting him involved in the wedding, that I am ungrateful, that I am trying to exclude my family from the affair since FMIL is paying for wedding and instead refer to it as a carnival rather than a wedding. That I am an inconsiderate and selfish little girl who refuses to walk with her dad or just spend 30 seconds dancing with him. Never mind how I feel, its about how everyone else will feel. Again, never mind the proper hosting I will be doing without any help from my side of the family. But, please do continue to advise me on proper etiquette... 

One of my co-workers let it slip that some of the ladies are planning a bachelorette party for me which is the sweetest thing and the most kind thing anyone has done for me so far. Only problem is they aren't invited to the wedding so now I am not sure about how to go about this bachelorette party situation. 

I feel like I meet resistance at every turn and am constantly bowing to meet other people's requests and needs but no one is taking the time to consider mine except my co-workers. And if I am not met with resistance I am left feeling excluded while gossiped about.

I just want to tell everyone you are not invited to the wedding until you can be supportive of me. Return my calls, stop whispering obscenities about me behind my back, and keep your opinions to yourself about what kind of centerpiece we choose to have. In the end, a lot of what everyone is up in arms about are petty details that no one will remember in the long run. But, I will remember how they made me feel and my guests will remember how they were treated during the reception. And honestly, none of my guests care if I dance with my dad or walk with him down the aisle, no one will care what dresses the BMs wore, no one will care about my dress change, or my floral choices. 

I am pretty sure the only thing my guests will care about is having good food and drink without having to open their wallets and that there was an option to dance and have fun. Oh, and that there was cake. 

I wish I knew what to say to help you feel better, but I don't. I hope writing this out helped you and hope the sun shines on you tomorrow. << Hugs >>

CMGragain

perdonami said:

Not sure if this is where I should be posting something like this, but I need to get it off my chest as my heart is becoming heavy. <rant>

When I first set out to plan this whole wedding at my FMIL's request (she is paying for a little over 50%), I figured it would be a nice and simple beach affair (FIs request: wanted to get married on the beach at sunset). 

Kept the guest list small and found a beautiful hotel right on the beach where a short walk from the ceremony site to the venue site kept things simple. Was able to ensure everyone will be well hosted with a cocktail hour with passing appetizers, a buffet (with vegan options for two of our guests), and an open bar serving a variety of wines, beers, and sparkly fun drinks. 

 for the ceremony and found a dress I'd like to wear for the reception. And am avoiding most traditions, like the bouquet toss or garter toss, but am really only holding onto three traditions: groom not to see the bridal dress till the day of the wedding, first dance, and cutting of the cake. 

I offered my BMs to wear whatever they like and do whatever they like with their hair and make-up. I got attitude for this. I shared some of my ideas for centerpieces and politely explained that I will not be participating in a money dance and I get laughed at and called a bridezilla. In fact one of my BMs expressed her distaste for all my choices and decisions to the point of calling me fat and ridiculous. We haven't spoken on a friend basis in over 3 months now.. She ignores me.. as do the other BMs. I often wonder why anyone would agree to be in a bridal party if they did not care for the bride/groom.. 

I mostly blame myself for this as I chose people who are not close to me as I have few people who are close to me as it is and felt it necessary to select 3 ladies.. I know now this is ridiculous. But, again I ask myself, if you don't care about the bride/groom, why accept the role? 

So, I asked my brother who helped raise me growing up if he would like to escort me down the aisle. He got pissed off and told me our substance abusing father was required to do so. I say, okay than you decline. Later on he asked me how he could help me prepare for the wedding, in his words, "what do you need me to do?" I explained I would like him to be an usher and sit our aunt at the wedding and I needed help setting up the chairs. He got angry and explained he was not a janitor. Demanding to be part of FIs bridal party, I offered him the role of bridal attendant in my own bridal party, he accepted graciously. I understand he needed this to feel important and involved while on his terms. I just wish he understood I already had a very special role for him which was within his right to decline, graciously.  

My aunt has spent a lot of money and time supporting my brothers (her nephews) and my father during this wedding. Attending special lunches to discuss the wedding and buying them suits and dental implants for my father. She has not consulted me on any of this wedding stuff nor invited me to attend any of their outings. When I expressed my concerns that providing a nice suit and set of false teeth will not make me more comfortable with walking with my dad, she got pissed and started gossiping about me to my brothers expressing how presumptuous I am and how dare I accuse her of trying to control my wedding in any way. 

She is planning a co-ed bridal shower and said that even if I didn't want a co-ed bridal shower, she would still force her favorite nephews to go as she needs them to be there with her. So FI reluctantly agreed as he wanted to keep the peace but was uncomfortable with a co-ed bridal shower. She has ignored my request for a different date, selected foods she know I won't eat, and became annoyed with me when I said I needed some time for FI to select some of his guests he would feel comfortable inviting to a co-ed bridal shower. She got pissed and said I need to figure out 30 people in order for her plans to work.. We picked exactly 30 ppl to keep her happy and I am pretty sure there will be some declines.. I hope I will not feel the brunt of this. 

So far, I hear nothing but shit talking about my wedding and myself through the ghetto grapevine of family members. I am being accused of blowing smoke up my brother's ass about wanting him involved in the wedding, that I am ungrateful, that I am trying to exclude my family from the affair since FMIL is paying for wedding and instead refer to it as a carnival rather than a wedding. That I am an inconsiderate and selfish little girl who refuses to walk with her dad or just spend 30 seconds dancing with him. Never mind how I feel, its about how everyone else will feel. Again, never mind the proper hosting I will be doing without any help from my side of the family. But, please do continue to advise me on proper etiquette... 

One of my co-workers let it slip that some of the ladies are planning a bachelorette party for me which is the sweetest thing and the most kind thing anyone has done for me so far. Only problem is they aren't invited to the wedding so now I am not sure about how to go about this bachelorette party situation. 

I feel like I meet resistance at every turn and am constantly bowing to meet other people's requests and needs but no one is taking the time to consider mine except my co-workers. And if I am not met with resistance I am left feeling excluded while gossiped about.

I just want to tell everyone you are not invited to the wedding until you can be supportive of me. Return my calls, stop whispering obscenities about me behind my back, and keep your opinions to yourself about what kind of centerpiece we choose to have. In the end, a lot of what everyone is up in arms about are petty details that no one will remember in the long run. But, I will remember how they made me feel and my guests will remember how they were treated during the reception. And honestly, none of my guests care if I dance with my dad or walk with him down the aisle, no one will care what dresses the BMs wore, no one will care about my dress change, or my floral choices. 

I am pretty sure the only thing my guests will care about is having good food and drink without having to open their wallets and that there was an option to dance and have fun. Oh, and that there was cake. 

You are far too worried about what other people think about you and your wedding.  Other people's opinions about you are none of your business.  Who has been relaying the gossip to you?  Stop listening!
You chose a dress that "will please most people?"  Mistake!  You should have chosen a dress that pleased YOU!  This was your choice.
Your bridesmaid sounds like she is not interested in being in your wedding anymore.  Great!  Problem solved.  Don't call or text her again.  Friendship is over.
No, you do not have to have your father escort you down the aisle.  You can choose anyone you like, or you can simply walk by yourself.  It is entirely your choice.  You do not have to dance with him, either!  It is your choice.
Tell your aunt that she has been so kind to worry about you, but you have decided that you do not want a shower, and neither you nor your FI will be attending.  Then watch her melt down.  Should be entertaining.  Who cares what she says?
I think you should either decline the bachelorette party, or invite those nice ladies to your wedding.  Your choice.
Some families are toxic, but if you let their opinions control your actions and your wedding, then that is your choice.

JaniV123

Oh my god, i am so sorry that your experience has been so horrible!!! I dont know how you would feel about cancelling like pp suggested but that wouldbe a good plan. If that isnot an option i would seriously sit down and talk to the people paying for your wedding (fmil, fi, and you from What i gather) and talk about all of this. Your wedding is a day for you and your fi to be happy and celebrate being married to each other with people you love and respect, and who love and respect you in return. You should not be stressed or sad or anynegative feeling. Sit down and talk about what the BOTH of you want for that day and do precisely that. STOP trying to please everybody. Cut out or put a serious STOP to those in your family putting you down. If they dislike your choices them f-k them. It is your and your fi's day. Do what makes the both of your happy.

ohannabelle

Time to put your foot down. 

You and your fiancé are a new family, and you two make the rules in that family. Practice saying no, over and over again, until you're comfortable with it. Something like, "I'm very sorry if that hurts your feelings/ you don't approve/ you feel differently (or whatever fits)but this is what we've decided and we're just not open to further discussion."

Not even joking. Actually practice saying it until it comes easily.

Seriously. You can't please everyone in the world, and you will only hurt yourself trying. If people get mad, they can get happy in the same damn pants they got mad in.

(There it was again. Definitely turning into my grandma. The pants thing.)

perdonami

CMGragain said:

You are far too worried about what other people think about you and your wedding.  Other people's opinions about you are none of your business.  Who has been relaying the gossip to you?  Stop listening!
You chose a dress that "will please most people?"  Mistake!  You should have chosen a dress that pleased YOU!  This was your choice.
Your bridesmaid sounds like she is not interested in being in your wedding anymore.  Great!  Problem solved.  Don't call or text her again.  Friendship is over.
No, you do not have to have your father escort you down the aisle.  You can choose anyone you like, or you can simply walk by yourself.  It is entirely your choice.  You do not have to dance with him, either!  It is your choice.
Tell your aunt that she has been so kind to worry about you, but you have decided that you do not want a shower, and neither you nor your FI will be attending.  Then watch her melt down.  Should be entertaining.  Who cares what she says?
I think you should either decline the bachelorette party, or invite those nice ladies to your wedding.  Your choice.

I already owned my bad decisions or "choices" as you so described. I just needed to rant and/or vent. And its not about being too worried about what family thinks and feels about me but that the fact that they don't hurts.

I tried to give these ladies an out but they simply didn't want too. They really want to have the title of BM.. I just don't understand this. If I force them out, I am a rude bitch. Again another decision I could make. As for the ceremony dress, no big deal, I am wearing the dress I want at my reception. But still a bad decision, I know, I know. Although I owned these poor decisions, I am still hurt by some of this crap.

And I already made the decision to not participate in any father/daughter traditions. But being badgered about it sucks, and its hard not to be hurt by the ones you love. 

Its the lack of consideration that hurts. And that is not my choice. 

ETA: You don't need to quote my epic long post, it will not be a DD and its way too long to re-post. 

perdonami

JaniV123 said:

Oh my god, i am so sorry that your experience has been so horrible!!! I dont know how you would feel about cancelling like pp suggested but that wouldbe a good plan. If that isnot an option i would seriously sit down and talk to the people paying for your wedding (fmil, fi, and you from What i gather) and talk about all of this. Your wedding is a day for you and your fi to be happy and celebrate being married to each other with people you love and respect, and who love and respect you in return. You should not be stressed or sad or anynegative feeling. Sit down and talk about what the BOTH of you want for that day and do precisely that. STOP trying to please everybody. Cut out or put a serious STOP to those in your family putting you down. If they dislike your choices them f-k them. It is your and your fi's day. Do what makes the both of your happy.

I really appreciate your advice and everyone else's advice but there is really no cancelling anything. As kind as it has been for people to offer some kind words of advice, I more came to just get some bad feelings out.. a way to vent. 

There are certain relationships that I will be walking away from after this has all been said and done. I remember reading a PP comment that really resonated with me: "weddings bring the worst out in people." Glad I found out through a wedding rather than some life or death situation ever came up. 

perdonami

NYCMercedes I do feel better to just have written it all out. Kind of helps put things in perspectives a little bit. 

For some reason, I have just been letting this crap get me down when I just need to move on. 

hellosweetie1015

Hoooooly God I'm so sorry. That sounds like the definitive list of all the absolute cruelest things anyone could ever possibly do to a person, especially when they're trying to get married and be happy. I don't have any advice for you, but you have hugs and those fancy friendship-cheek-kisses French people do (they have a name but I'm blanking it right now) and "Hang in there!" cat posters (or puppy posters, if you prefer) and every other possible love vibe I can send you. I hope it gets better, but if it doesn't, please please start choosing things because they will make YOU and your FI happy and don't worry about making other people happy. 

Love love love.

perdonami

ohannabelle said:

Time to put your foot down. 

You and your fiancé are a new family, and you two make the rules in that family. Practice saying no, over and over again, until you're comfortable with it. Something like, "I'm very sorry if that hurts your feelings/ you don't approve/ you feel differently (or whatever fits)but this is what we've decided and we're just not open to further discussion."

Not even joking. Actually practice saying it until it comes easily.

Seriously. You can't please everyone in the world, and you will only hurt yourself trying. If people get mad, they can get happy in the same damn pants they got mad in.

(There it was again. Definitely turning into my grandma. The pants thing.)

I agree 100% with everything in your post but particularly to the bolded! I really do need to practice saying no out loud. Perhaps, the more I practice asserting myself, the more likely I will be successful at doing so. 

perdonami

CaitTDid23 You seem like such a sweet person.

Thank you for the kind words. 

CMGragain

perdonami said:

CMGragain said:

You are far too worried about what other people think about you and your wedding.  Other people's opinions about you are none of your business.  Who has been relaying the gossip to you?  Stop listening!
You chose a dress that "will please most people?"  Mistake!  You should have chosen a dress that pleased YOU!  This was your choice.
Your bridesmaid sounds like she is not interested in being in your wedding anymore.  Great!  Problem solved.  Don't call or text her again.  Friendship is over.
No, you do not have to have your father escort you down the aisle.  You can choose anyone you like, or you can simply walk by yourself.  It is entirely your choice.  You do not have to dance with him, either!  It is your choice.
Tell your aunt that she has been so kind to worry about you, but you have decided that you do not want a shower, and neither you nor your FI will be attending.  Then watch her melt down.  Should be entertaining.  Who cares what she says?
I think you should either decline the bachelorette party, or invite those nice ladies to your wedding.  Your choice.

I already owned my bad decisions or "choices" as you so described. I just needed to rant and/or vent. And its not about being too worried about what family thinks and feels about me but that they don't care. 

I tried to give these ladies an out but they simply didn't want too. They really want to have the title of BM.. I just don't understand this. If I force them out, I am a rude bitch. Again another decision I could make. As for the ceremony dress, no big deal, I am wearing the dress I want at my reception. But still a bad decision, I know, I know. Although I owned these poor decisions, I am still hurt by some of this crap.

And I already made the decision to not participate in any father/daughter traditions. But being badgered about it sucks, and its hard not to be hurt by the ones you love. 

Its the lack of consideration that hurts. And that is not my choice. 

ETA: You don't need to quote my epic long post, it will not be a DD and its way too long to re-post. 

I really quoted your post to help me organize your rant.  I get it.  My own wedding (Today is my 38th anniversary!) was not fun.  My FMIL threatened not to come.  She outright refused to stand in a reception line with "that bitch", my mother.  My mother was angry because I wouldn't allow her ex-husbands to come - at least, not without their current wives!  My sister had filed for divorce and moved back in with Mother. Most of my relatives decided they were too busy to attend a wedding less than 2 hours away.  Half our guests assumed I was pregnant (a scandal, back then!) and asked other guests about it.  My FMIL decided to come, but sat in a corner, crying, and telling people that her son was making the biggest mistake of his life.

I never stopped smiling.  I won.  I married him.  We are happy after 38 years and raising two kids.  That is all that really matters.

perdonami

CMGragain I really liked your last comment. It feels better to be understood by someone else (even if we are just strangers on the internet). I feel less like I am over-reacting and that my feelings are validated. 

Btw, that must have been really embarrassing for your MIL.. I am sure many a guest wondered what the hell was wrong with her. 

hellosweetie1015

@perdonami don't even mention it. You needed it!

CMGragain

perdonami said:

CMGragain I really liked your last comment. It feels better to be understood by someone else (even if we are just strangers on the internet). I feel less like I am over-reacting and that my feelings are validated. 

Btw, that must have been really embarrassing for your MIL.. I am sure many a guest wondered what the hell was wrong with her. 

No, it was expected.  She was a piece of work.  She pulled the same shit at her daughter's wedding.  Part of the reason I waited 9 years before saying yes to DH was that I knew what I would be dealing with.  She forgave me for marrying her son when I gave her the first grandchild.  People were laughing at her.  She was a very lonely, insecure lady.
DH's family is still difficult.  They were/are very wealthy, and the lawyers are fighting over MIL's estate.  She died 26 years ago, but left a large trust.  We've done just fine on our own.

My own mother was a drama queen, and was abusive.  I was so happy to marry DH and move 1100 miles away from all of them!  Families!  Ugh!

perdonami

CMGragain said:

perdonami said:

CMGragain I really liked your last comment. It feels better to be understood by someone else (even if we are just strangers on the internet). I feel less like I am over-reacting and that my feelings are validated. 

Btw, that must have been really embarrassing for your MIL.. I am sure many a guest wondered what the hell was wrong with her. 

No, it was expected.  She was a piece of work.  She pulled the same shit at her daughter's wedding.  Part of the reason I waited 9 years before saying yes to DH was that I knew what I would be dealing with.  She forgave me for marrying her son when I gave her the first grandchild.  People were laughing at her.  She was a very lonely, insecure lady.
DH's family is still difficult.  They were/are very wealthy, and the lawyers are fighting over MIL's estate.  She died 26 years ago, but left a large trust.  We've done just fine on our own.

My own mother was a drama queen, and was abusive.  I was so happy to marry DH and move 1100 miles away from all of them!  Families!  Ugh!

Its amazing what money and weddings can do to families. Or well, some families. 

Sounds like DH was lucky to find you and you him since it sounds like together you two made a new and beautiful family. 

PrincessOfHavoc

Too bad I can't send my BSC sister to your BSC family and you can join my crazy but generally nice family. Who would all be going "wedding, wedding, wedding, we love weddings, oh look how pretty this is....."

All I got are internet hugs!

flyingfoxes

Holy cow - I hate to hear about experiences like this, because your wedding should be a happy occasion.  Just know in the end that you'll be married and all of the crap won't really matter. 

pinkcow13

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I truly believe that weddings bring out the crazy in some people.

I'm sending you many hugs, and at the end of the day you will know who you want to continue to keep in your life going forward. And you'll be married and that's all that counts in the end!

OliveOilsMom

If your BMs are acting the way they are, don't kick them out of the wedding.  Just end the friendship with them, since it seems you will after the wedding.  That naturally moves to them being removed from the wedding and your life.  Start standing up for yourself now.

"BM, we had some fun times together, but I feel that we have grown apart and are very different people now.  So as hard as this is, I would like to end our friendship.  I wish you luck and happiness in your future life."  Just don't mention the wedding and don't send them the invitation either, as you are no longer in their life.

AddieCake

I have nothing to offer but internet hugs! 

And Happy Belated Anniversary to @CMGragain!

perdonami

OliveOilsMom said:

If your BMs are acting the way they are, don't kick them out of the wedding.  Just end the friendship with them, since it seems you will after the wedding.  That naturally moves to them being removed from the wedding and your life.  Start standing up for yourself now.

"BM, we had some fun times together, but I feel that we have grown apart and are very different people now.  So as hard as this is, I would like to end our friendship.  I wish you luck and happiness in your future life."  Just don't mention the wedding and don't send them the invitation either, as you are no longer in their life.

Thanks for the advice and I think the way you described on how to terminate the relationship is excellent. However, I am reluctant to do so as I have a feeling she will become family in the near future. FI's GM is his brother who is also my BM boyfriend and shes mentioned some wedding stuff to me (in fact thats how I found out she plans on doing a money dance and having a Jack and Jill to fund her wedding). 

I have this sinking feeling that if I terminate this relationship, even in the most politest terms as you described, it would cause a shit storm with FI's brother and I don't want to mess with FI's relationship with his brother or any of his GMs. 

CMGragain

One more thought....I was a church organist and choir director for 28 years.  I've played at countless weddings...and funerals.  Funerals are more fun.

Weddings are often drama filled occasions with fighting family members and old grudges dragged out for the occasion.  From where I sat on the organ bench, II could hear everything before the processional.  "I heard she was pregnant!",  "I'm not going to sit next to HIM. I divorced him, and he brought that slut he married!", "Wait until you see her.  She's gained a lot of weight!", "OMG, look at the haircut on that groomsman!  Can you believe it?"

Funerals are filled with grieving families, and they are much nicer to be around.  Everybody hugs and cries.  They tell nice stories about the deceased.  Some of them even thank me for playing a favorite hymn.  I charge much less for funerals, and sometimes I even do them for free.  (Veterans.)

Sugargirl1019

Giirrlllll if you actually get married on that day, you win. I feel you. We can vent to one another and hug each other and shake our head at each others family.

I feel the same way. You just can't please anyone. And when you try to stand up for yourself and do what is your own choice suddenly your mom, FMIL, FI and father are screaming at each other and crying. That was my night last night. My perfect little family suddenly turned dysfunctional as shit over seating arrangements and guest counts.

Weddings turn people into the devil. And if you can marry your Fi at the end of it, you have done it.

vent: FMIL can go fuck herself.

perdonami

CMGragain said:

One more thought....I was a church organist and choir director for 28 years.  I've played at countless weddings...and funerals.  Funerals are more fun.

Weddings are often drama filled occasions with fighting family members and old grudges dragged out for the occasion.  From where I sat on the organ bench, II could hear everything before the processional.  "I heard she was pregnant!",  "I'm not going to sit next to HIM. I divorced him, and he brought that slut he married!", "Wait until you see her.  She's gained a lot of weight!", "OMG, look at the haircut on that groomsman!  Can you believe it?"

Funerals are filled with grieving families, and they are much nicer to be around.  Everybody hugs and cries.  They tell nice stories about the deceased.  Some of them even thank me for playing a favorite hymn.  I charge much less for funerals, and sometimes I even do them for free.  (Veterans.)

Wow, just wow. That really helps put things into perspective for me. 

perdonami

Sugargirl1019 said:

Giirrlllll if you actually get married on that day, you win. I feel you. We can vent to one another and hug each other and shake our head at each others family. I feel the same way. You just can't please anyone. And when you try to stand up for yourself and do what is your own choice suddenly your mom, FMIL, FI and father are screaming at each other and crying. That was my night last night. My perfect little family suddenly turned dysfunctional as shit over seating arrangements and guest counts. Weddings turn people into the devil. And if you can marry your Fi at the end of it, you have done it. vent: FMIL can go fuck herself.

Sounds like we are in similar situations.. Sorry to hear but I really think venting about it helps. Kind of gives you chance to get it all out and place a different spin on it. 

When everything is said and done, all that will matter in the end is that we are married. If guests want to act out and get way too overly involved in your wedding, a day of celebrating love and not petty grudges, that's on them. It is what it is. Nothing we can do is going to change our families/friends' actions. So, lets set back and enjoy a nice glass of wine on our well-hosted special day.

LadyMillil

I'm sorry you're having so much drama with your wedding planning.

Re: the ladies from work planning a bachelorette party. I know we advise that any one invited to pre-wedding parties must be invited to the wedding, but this might be a situational thing. At my work it is common to have a "bachelorette party" for anyone getting married. It is really just an excuse for us all to go out together for dinner and drinks, since it is hard to get a lot of people together when the occasion is "it's Friday" instead of "so-and-so is getting married, lets celebrate". We do either buy the bride a drink or have the cost of her meal split among all the bills, but we do the same for a birthday or thesis defence.

perdonami

So, I have a question regarding my rude BM. The one who called me fat, said my ideas were stupid, and has repeatedly called me a bridezilla and stuck up over not wanting a money dance or selling tickets for my wedding at my bridal shower.. Would it be super bad if I didn't get her another BM gift? ------------------------------------------------------------------- I already got them all matching Swarovoski bracelets which they can wear for the wedding or not, its their choice, I just bought them because I thought they were pretty and thought it would be a nice addition to their BM gift. I just wouldn't spend any more money on getting her another more personalized gift. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Although, my cousin who is also a BM, I probably would get her something else since she has been so kind and supportive of my choices, enough to walk me down the aisle despite what my brother thinks (also her cousin). ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Think I am just making matters worse by not purchasing another personalized gift? The rude BM also constantly reminds me that I need to buy her a gift. ETA: Not letting me have paragraphs..

beethery

perdonami said:

So, I have a question regarding my rude BM. The one who called me fat, said my ideas were stupid, and has repeatedly called me a bridezilla and stuck up over not wanting a money dance or selling tickets for my wedding at my bridal shower.. Would it be super bad if I didn't get her another BM gift? I already got them all matching Swarovoski bracelets which they can wear for the wedding or not, its their choice, I just bought them because I thought they were pretty and thought it would be a nice addition to their BM gift. I just wouldn't spend any more money on getting her another more personalized gift. Although, my cousin who is also a BM, I probably would get her something else since she has been so kind and supportive of my choices, enough to walk me down the aisle despite what my brother thinks (also her cousin). Think I am just making matters worse by not purchasing another personalized gift? The rude BM also constantly reminds me that I need to buy her a gift.

Get her a miss manners book. Wrap it up nice, and huck it at her from across the room. What a DOUCHE.