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Etiquette

What is the worst advice you've received about your wedding, relationship, or your marriage?

NymeruNymeru member
250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
edited June 2014 in Etiquette
I feel like since becoming engaged I must have magically lost all ability to seem like an intelligent woman to other people, because they act like I suddenly know NOTHING about being in a relationship.  People who have never taken the time to acknowledge my presence before are suddenly giving me their two cents like it's warranted.  The advice I've gotten about how to be a good wife/mother/girlfriend/fiancee has ranged from fairly good to flat out ridiculous.  For example:  "If you're finding that your husband isn't really respecting what you say, buy some new lingerie.  He'll pay attention to you in no time flat.  You just need to remind him of why he used to listen to you."  Or..."It's ok if it doesn't work out.  You can always get divorced and try again."  "Never let him see you shave, use the toilet or clip your nails--then you'll be just as gross as he is and he'll lose all interest in you and start looking elsewhere."

So, what's the worst piece of advice you've received about your relationship, wedding, or marriage?

Re: What is the worst advice you've received about your wedding, relationship, or your marriage?

  • People keep telling me to "just get married already"... even suggesting I give ultimatums to my bf. Yeah... because every loving relationship works well with ultimatums.
    Like I need advice from them, as if their relationships are doing so much better than mine. Sorry, but how many times did he threaten to leave you this month? Only 4? Ok, cool.

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  • To not marry him because he's not white. Racism is unfortunately alive and well.

  • To not marry him because he's not white. Racism is unfortunately alive and well.

    But then your kids will be *gasp* biracial! You can't have that! Those poor kids! What about the kids? Won't someone think about the kids???!!!

    But, no, seriously, people suck.

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    thesummersky
  • AlexisA01AlexisA01 Dubai, my royal playground. member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    To not marry him because he's not white. Racism is unfortunately alive and well.

    Or for me because he isn't black, I should look out for a real "brother" to marry.

    Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.

  • We had a 'friend' inquire about our wedding date shortly after our engagement. When we told him the date, he got this super concerned look on his face. What? You're getting married before FI finishes grad school? You shouldn't do that! That means your grad degree will be factored into your divorce settlement! 

     Seriously? I'M RIGHT HERE! Thanks for the vote of confidence!
  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown mod
    Moderator Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    My DH and I are very independent people. We often travel for work and for very long periods of time. When we got engaged, all of a sudden everyone thought I should not be traveling as much or be apart for very long. It's "not good for the marriage." Well, I lived in a different state for 8 months, was on business travel recently for 7 months, seeing DH only on weekends, and DH is getting ready to live in a different state for a few months until I can join him. We're doing just fine.

     







  • buttercup1958buttercup1958 Blue Smokey Mountains
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    My dad has told me to make sure I don't get fat or V will leave me.  Thanks dad.
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I can't really think of any.   But still I tend to take advice with a grain of salt anyway.  Normally the advice works well for the person especially if the one giving the advice has been married for 20+ years.  

     I politely listen to what they say, then decide later if said advice will work for us.  Every marriage has a different personality.  Just because something works for one doesn't mean it will work for others.  
    At the same time it's not necessarily bad to hear an alternative view.  Sometimes it's just plain funny.  






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    Dad: "Are you sure you won't get bored with Fi because he wants to stay home with [imaginary future] kids?"

    Mom: "Everybody hates gaps, but you HAVE to have a gap!  When else will you take pictures?"

    Sister told me to "get married before the wedding" because we've been together so long and we shouldn't have to wait until we can afford a big party.

    I got some really nice advice from one of the partners at my firm, who is also with his high school sweetheart.  That sometimes when you know, you just know.  And always look at your wife/husband as an equal partner.  Sometimes people are cool.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

    AlexaF2014thisismynickname2
  • I got some really nice advice from one of the partners at my firm, who is also with his high school sweetheart.  That sometimes when you know, you just know.  And always look at your wife/husband as an equal partner.  Sometimes people are cool.
    That's really sweet (and accurate!). FI and I were together in high school, and one of our teachers congratulated us when we got engaged. He said almost the exact same thing, since he married and had kids with his high school sweetheart as well. Positive post, yeah!
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    JCbride2015
  • Aray82Aray82 member
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Well, damn, I definitely clipped my nails in front of FI yesterday--guess our marriage is already doomed! Nothing yet in the way of bad relationship advice, but I have gotten asked A LOT about whether I'll be doing the traditional long white dress. My little sis doesn't get asked that at all it seems (she's 26 and getting married 6 months after me)...and I've also been told that women can "get away with" wearing the long white dress for a few years into their 30s and after that a suit or less showy shorter dress is more appropriate. Guess I'm just barely slipping in under the wire at 32!
  • A family friend told me something to the effect of "now that you guys are engaged, there are going to be people who see you as an extra appealing 'challenge'.  It's not worth it."

    So basically... don't cheat on each other.  Duly noted, thanks.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
  • RebeccaB88RebeccaB88 Figment of Your Imagination member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I was told to never say no to my husband when he wanted sex, no matter how tired, upset, sick, in pain, or whatever I was, or else he'd go find it elsewhere. But not to ever pressure him for it when I was in the mood and he wasn't. 

    Um...ok.  I figure we both would have right of refusal. I'm not a blowup doll, he's not a BOB.  We should be able to discuss this and understand when one isn't up for it.
  •      "You'll regret it if you don't have a big party!" said one of my friends about our immediate family only ceremony and reception. 

          We have also had two separate people ask if we were going to live together after we are married ?!?  We currently don't, and won't until after we are (logistical, rather than moral reasons) and I guess some people think we will keep living in two separate places afterwards. 

         No advice about our relationship really though, I guess FI and I look like we have it together, LOL. 
  • pinkshorts27pinkshorts27 Oregon member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary First Answer
    AlexisA01 said:
    To not marry him because he's not white. Racism is unfortunately alive and well.
    Or for me because he isn't black, I should look out for a real "brother" to marry.
    Ah, I have the perfect solution.  You could switch guys and keep the children "pure".
    /extreme sarcasm 

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    thesummersky
  • I know I've been given horrible advice, but all that comes to mind is the funniest advice I've ever received (before I was engaged).  We were at a family friends' house once, and the one woman (she's basically my aunt) was rolling her eyes about something her MIL said / did, and she turned to me and said: "Marzipan13.  Marry an orphan."  And we all laughed.  
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    Mr. Bean Flipping the Bird
  • AlexisA01 said:
    To not marry him because he's not white. Racism is unfortunately alive and well.
    Or for me because he isn't black, I should look out for a real "brother" to marry.
    @AlexisA01 isn't it annoying?

    @pinkshorts27 you made me actually laugh out loud. Thanks for that!

    pinkshorts27
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    mysticl said:
    monkeysip said:
    I was told to never say no to my husband when he wanted sex, no matter how tired, upset, sick, in pain, or whatever I was, or else he'd go find it elsewhere. But not to ever pressure him for it when I was in the mood and he wasn't. 

    Um...ok.  I figure we both would have right of refusal. I'm not a blowup doll, he's not a BOB.  We should be able to discuss this and understand when one isn't up for it.
    I can't stand this.  I've had fellow christians give me this advice.  Obviously sex is important in a marriage, and it shouldn't be used as a weapon by either partner, but good lord.  Stop pretending like men are so horny that they can't go any period of time without sex without cheating on their wives.  
    And stop promoting a culture of rape because that is what is happening when a man's desire to have sex outweighs a woman's desire not to.  
    YES MA'AM.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

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  • Not so much wedding related, but I decided in my mid 20s I did not want to have children.  I was single at the time.  My BFF and her mom...who are both good people, but feel like the world should be a "Leave it to Beaver" episode where every woman is a SAHM...both said with that "well, bless her heart" tone of voice that I would change my mind when I met the right man.  I met the "right man" a few years later.  And guess what?  I'm now 40 and have still NEVER had any desire to have a child, lol.
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    Megalega14heathertims[Deleted User]
  • I kept my last name and I got:

    "you HAVE to change it! how will anyone know who you are?"

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    brideofgingermbross3RebeccaB88[Deleted User]
  • When I got engaged I was out of office for a week of Seminars. When I got back to work, my co-workers all knew because of friends in the office. So while my boss was filling me in on what i missed someone walked past and said "Congrats! You must be SO Happy!"
    Boss "Happy about what?? "
    I showed her my ring beaming
    She pulls me into a tight hug while patting the back of my head a whispers in my ear "Know where he is every second of the day..." and then "CONGRATS!!!"

    For the record she's about 5 years older than me and has never had a "successful relationship"
    I wonder why.... 
    [Deleted User]
  • VulgarGirlVulgarGirl Desert Oasis member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    You're going to regret not taking your chance to wear a long white gown.

    My short red dress is causing a friend of a friend (so not even my friend) to have a tizzy. Apparently one of us needs to look like a bride. I assured we'd both look like brides. Because that's what we both are. 
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User]
  • sarahuflsarahufl New York member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I have a very grumpy, mean boss. My co-worker and I got engaged at the same time and ended up actually picking the same wedding date. Grumpy Boss has taken it upon himself to ask us both at least 5 times if we are positive we want to get married. That we should really know what we are getting ourselves into first.

    Um. Did I ask you for advice and/or money for my wedding? Didn't think so. You are a mean, grumpy man who is going through a nasty divorce. What is wrong with "Awesome, congrats!"?
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    sarahufl said:
    Um. Did I ask you for advice and/or money for my wedding? Didn't think so. You are a mean, grumpy man who is going through a nasty divorce. What is wrong with "Awesome, congrats!"?
    A mean, grumpy man going through a divorce is not going to say to anyone "Awesome, congrats!" about their upcoming wedding-or anything else that's good in their lives.
  • misshart00misshart00 Oklahoma member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    sarahufl said:

    I have a very grumpy, mean boss. My co-worker and I got engaged at the same time and ended up actually picking the same wedding date. Grumpy Boss has taken it upon himself to ask us both at least 5 times if we are positive we want to get married. That we should really know what we are getting ourselves into first.


    Um. Did I ask you for advice and/or money for my wedding? Didn't think so. You are a mean, grumpy man who is going through a nasty divorce. What is wrong with "Awesome, congrats!"?
    Mine was similar to this. A lady I shared an office with told me on multiple occasions that I could still back out, up until my last day before I left to get married. She was also sleeping with a married man in the office and thought no one knew.
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