Wedding Party

Scared to make an unstable friend a bridesmaid

AmeselleAmeselle member
First Comment
edited June 2014 in Wedding Party

When I got engaged about 2 months ago, I told my old college friend that I was about 99% sure that I'd ask her to be in the wedding party. I had planned on giving her very little responsibility other than wearing a particular dress and letting her help plan the shower/bachelorette parties (she said that even if she's not in my wedding, she wants to help plan) because she is very flaky and unreliable (she is never less than 45 minutes late for anything). I would normally be okay with this because I'm used to it and am willing to work around it, since she lives an hour away and probably wouldn't be able to make it down as often anyway.

 

However, over the last month or so, she's been behaving way more erratically, irrationally, and irresponsibly than usual. Instead of going out drinking and partying heavily every weekend, she's now going out several nights a week. The last few times I've seen her or planned on seeing her, she's either been high, hungover, or she doesn't show up at all. I'm not even going to start talking about her relationship and body/eating issues. Last week, she supposedly "unfriended" a mutual friend of ours on facebook over a debate about feminism. She doesn't answer our calls/texts for days (or at all) and says we're overbearing when we call her out on her unhealthy behavior. She takes no accountability for her behavior and gives nothing but excuses. 

 

I'm really worried about her and hate to see her going down what seems to be a really destructive path. But she doesn't feel like she's doing anything harmful and won't seek help or even slow down. So on top of all that, I'm nervous about asking her to be a bridesmaid because I doubt that I can count on her for anything if I were to ask her. I still want to invite her and even include her some way if possible, but I’m pretty hesitant to ask her to stand by me when she can barely stand (figuratively and sometimes literally) on her own.

Re: Scared to make an unstable friend a bridesmaid

  • There's no such thing as "honorary bridesmaids."  Someone is either a bridesmaid or she isn't.

    With that aside, I would just not ask her to be a bridesmaid but invite her as a guest. It's kind of strange that you told her you were 99% sure that you would ask her; you shouldn't have said anything unless you were actually sure, but what's done is done. You don't have to un-ask because you never officially asked. Just go ahead with your wedding planning and invite her as a guest.

    PrettyGirlLostlc07
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ameselle said:

    When I got engaged about 2 months ago, I told my old college friend that I was about 99% sure that I'd ask her to be a bridesmaid. I had planned on giving her very little responsibility other than wearing a particular dress and letting her help plan the shower/bachelorette parties because she is very flaky and unreliable (she is never less than 45 minutes late for anything). I would normally be okay with this because I'm used to it and am willing to work around it, since she lives an hour away and probably wouldn't be able to make it down as often anyway.

     

    However, over the last month or so, she's been behaving way more erratically, irrationally, and irresponsibly than usual. Instead of going out drinking and partying heavily every weekend, she's now going out several nights a week. The last few times I've seen her or planned on seeing her, she's either been high, hungover, or she doesn't show up at all. I'm not even going to start talking about her relationship and body/eating issues. Last week, she supposedly "unfriended" a mutual friend of ours on facebook over a debate about feminism. She doesn't answer our calls/texts for days (or at all) and says we're overbearing when we call her out on her unhealthy behavior. She takes no accountability for her behavior and gives nothing but excuses. 

     

    I'm really worried about her and hate to see her going down what seems to be a really destructive path. But she doesn't feel like she's doing anything harmful and won't seek help or even slow down. So on top of all that, I'm nervous about asking her to be even an honorary bridesmaid because I doubt that I can count on her for anything if I were to ask her. I still want to invite her and even include her some way if possible, but I’m pretty hesitant to ask her to stand by me when she can barely stand (figuratively and sometimes literally) on her own.

    First off, you don't give any of your wedding party responsibilities.  Expecting her to help throw a shower and b-party is very rude and demanding.  If someone wants to throw those things for you, they will offer.  

    Since she doesn't have any responsibilities, her problems won't have any effect on her ability to be a bridesmaid.  All she has to do is stand up during the ceremony.  If she's 45 minutes late, she's removed herself from the wedding party.

    Under normal circumstances, I would say don't ask her.  But you've told her you were going to ask her (why?) already.  Now, not asking her is going to really hurt her.  I don't see how you can get around that one.  Either she's a bridesmaid or she isn't.  Making up some garbage title like "honorary bridesmaid" is just a slap in the face.  
    MairePoppy
  • Ameselle said:
    , I'm nervous about asking her to be even an honorary bridesmaid .
    What is an honorary bridesmaid?
  • Thank you all for focusing on the wording of one sentence (which I have since edited, because you're right. It makes no sense) and offering no insight on the real issue at hand. I appreciate it! 
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ameselle said:
    Thank you all for focusing on the wording of one sentence (which I have since edited, because you're right. It makes no sense) and offering no insight on the real issue at hand. I appreciate it! 
    The real issue is that you think that bridesmaid is a responsibility and obligation and that her flaky nature will interfere with her ability to carry out some duties you've dreamed up.  
    PrettyGirlLost
  • slothiegalslothiegal The Sloth Farm member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer Name Dropper
    Don't mention your wedding. Just call and visit her as she seems to be in a rough place right now. Think friend first, then think bridesmaid.
    Yeup.  This.  Put the wedding on the back burner and see what's going on in her life.  It sounds like she's (not surprisingly) very defensive and you need some support like @LondonLisa suggested to determine how to proceed.  It's not easy or comfortable, but it sounds like it's what your friend needs right now--not a discussion about your wedding.
    Anniversary

    image
    PrettyGirlLostAmeselle
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Her only responsibilities, as a bm, are to get the dress, show up on time and sober for the ceremony. But you're saying she isn't capable of doing those things. That's really sad, Ameselle. Your friend is in deep trouble. Take LondonLisa 's advice. 




                       
    lc07
  • VulgarGirlVulgarGirl Desert Oasis member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary Name Dropper
    If you're actually worried about your friend, you should be focusing on helping her. Not how she can help your wedding. 

    If you're just worried your friend will make your wedding look bad, then you aren't much of a friend to her.

    @LondonLisa gave you some great advice. Take it.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Why does your concern for your friend have to revolve around your wedding? If you're concerned about your friend, talk to her. Maybe she needs someone to talk to. Immediately making the situation about your wedding sounds a bit selfish to me.

    Also, you told her you were 99% sure you'd make her a bridesmaid. I think it's really shitty to say this to someone and NOT make them a bridesmaid. To me, you've already made her a bridesmaid.
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Ameselle said:
    Thank you all for focusing on the wording of one sentence (which I have since edited, because you're right. It makes no sense) and offering no insight on the real issue at hand. I appreciate it! 
    Cheers.
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Ameselle said:

    When I got engaged about 2 months ago, I told my old college friend that I was about 99% sure that I'd ask her to be in the wedding party. I had planned on giving her very little responsibility other than wearing a particular dress and letting her help plan the shower/bachelorette parties (she said that even if she's not in my wedding, she wants to help plan) because she is very flaky and unreliable (she is never less than 45 minutes late for anything). I would normally be okay with this because I'm used to it and am willing to work around it, since she lives an hour away and probably wouldn't be able to make it down as often anyway.<?xml:namespace prefix = o />

     

    However, over the last month or so, she's been behaving way more erratically, irrationally, and irresponsibly than usual. Instead of going out drinking and partying heavily every weekend, she's now going out several nights a week. The last few times I've seen her or planned on seeing her, she's either been high, hungover, or she doesn't show up at all. I'm not even going to start talking about her relationship and body/eating issues. Last week, she supposedly "unfriended" a mutual friend of ours on facebook over a debate about feminism. She doesn't answer our calls/texts for days (or at all) and says we're overbearing when we call her out on her unhealthy behavior. She takes no accountability for her behavior and gives nothing but excuses. 

     

    I'm really worried about her and hate to see her going down what seems to be a really destructive path. But she doesn't feel like she's doing anything harmful and won't seek help or even slow down. So on top of all that, I'm nervous about asking her to be a bridesmaid because I doubt that I can count on her for anything if I were to ask her. I still want to invite her and even include her some way if possible, but I’m pretty hesitant to ask her to stand by me when she can barely stand (figuratively and sometimes literally) on her own.


    It sounds like you have already asked her to be a BM.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Don't ask her to be a bridesmaid.  If you have this many doubts, it'll be a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Support her in getting her life straightened out if you can, but she's also an adult.  If she wants to live her life that way, the only thing you can do is be supportive if there's the opportunity.  Sounds like she doesn't need something else to add to her plate, too.  Just let her be.
  • climbingwifeclimbingwife NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    clarke10 said:
    Why does your concern for your friend have to revolve around your wedding? If you're concerned about your friend, talk to her. Maybe she needs someone to talk to. Immediately making the situation about your wedding sounds a bit selfish to me.

    Also, you told her you were 99% sure you'd make her a bridesmaid. I think it's really shitty to say this to someone and NOT make them a bridesmaid. To me, you've already made her a bridesmaid.
    I just can't even imagine saying that to someone. "Hey, I'm like almost sure I'm going to make you a bridesmaid. Just hang tight. I'll decide eventually!" WTF. Really? 

    lc07
  • clarke10 said:
    Why does your concern for your friend have to revolve around your wedding? If you're concerned about your friend, talk to her. Maybe she needs someone to talk to. Immediately making the situation about your wedding sounds a bit selfish to me.

    Also, you told her you were 99% sure you'd make her a bridesmaid. I think it's really shitty to say this to someone and NOT make them a bridesmaid. To me, you've already made her a bridesmaid.
    I just can't even imagine saying that to someone. "Hey, I'm like almost sure I'm going to make you a bridesmaid. Just hang tight. I'll decide eventually!" WTF. Really? 
    Eh.I did that. 

    I wasn't sure I was going to have any bridesmaids. My friends kept asking me about it, and I told them that I may not have a bridal party, but if I did, yes, you would very likely be asked to be a bridesmaid. And then I decided to have bridesmaids and asked them. 
  • theycallmelinztheycallmelinz Georgia member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited July 2014
    As PP's said, how do you tell someone you're 99% sure they will be a bridesmaid? If someone came at me with that, I'd say, "Thanks for the heads up because I'm 100% sure the answer is no."

    And an honorary bridesmaid? All this makes me think of is my dear close friend, who also happens to be my cousin, that I grew up with asking me to be an honorary bridesmaid because "she had too many in the wedding party." See above for how I answered that question.

    Finally, if this girl really is your friend, put your wedding on the back burner for a hot second (see what I did there?) and make sure she is OKAY, because it sounds like she isn't. Help her get some help girlfriend.


    Edited for formatting.
    Anniversary



    PrettyGirlLost
  • NymeruNymeru member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    It sounds like you've already asked her.  If so, you're stuck with her and she'll either show up on time, or she won't.  Maybe have a plan A and B.  If she's there on time, proceed with A, otherwise, go with B.

    But yeah, see if you can get her to accept some help.  It's definitely not easy, but you should try.
  • This isn't a bridesmaid problem, this is a friend problem. Contact Al-anon or another support organisation, they often offer free information/ hotlines to get advice how to talk to your friend about their substance abuse. It sounds like she may have an diagnosed mental health problem and is self-medicating.

    Don't mention your wedding, your friends health is more important. 

    This, please! If this is new behavior in your friend, you should talk to her in a calm manner that isn't judgemental and see if you can help her. She sounds like she has recently started self medicating and could use some real support. Don't talk about the wedding, dont enable her to change the subject, just listen to her. She needs a real friend.
    image
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