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Etiquette

Plus one debate

hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 Where the skies are so blue member
2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
Don't have time (today) to go searching (and also I'm a bum).

Our guest list is funny. I've pretty much divided my (previously-thought-to-be-small) guest list into chunks: my "must-haves" - the people without whom any celebration of my happiness would feel incomplete - and everyone else, who is secondary but would feel snubbed if they weren't invited while others in each circle (aunts/uncles, cousins, more distant relatives, etc) were. If I can get away with it, my side of the guest list will have my 12-13 must-haves and nobody else. The oldest young cousin would be 14 by the wedding, and if we get a small wedding as we'd like it won't even be an issue.

FI's is simpler - he has 12-13 people, total. His extended family is not really involved. Now, this is before speaking with FILs about the guest list, but it seems that the consensus is that's it. 

My question is that my initial plan was to offer +1s to every unmarried guest, whether or not they had a SO. However, this was when our guest list was comprised of my 12-13 (which includes everyone's +1) and his original 6 that I knew of. ALL of them are adults over the age of 18. Yesterday, we added some other people who are important to him/his family. It makes me gleeful that he did - I just have one question.

Two of his teenage cousins, both of whom will, we think, be under the age of 18 (but close to it) and still in high school at the time of our wedding, are in relationships. I had not really thought of a cut-off age to allow a +1 as until last night I did not think it would be an issue. I would go with 18, myself, or if your invite is actually addressed to your parents, you, and your siblings as opposed to your own invite separate from that of your parents. However, I don't want to slight anyone, or be rude, and the general thought on here seems to be that if two people are in a relationship, they get to be invited with their SO. 

Thoughts?

(Yes. My wedding is way far off. But I am building a budget and looking at ideas, and I actually do need this information this early just to make me not crazy when it actually does come up.)
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Re: Plus one debate

  • Etiquette-wise, it's not necessary to invite the BF/GF of someone who is under 18 and still in high school.  It's a nice gesture, of course, but not necessary!  

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  • APDSS22APDSS22 O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A is OK member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    If they are under 18 and therefore included on their parents' invitation, it is usually considered to be okay to not invite said SOs as they are not yet adults and are therefore not in an adult long term relationship. 

    That being said, if they are going to be close to 18 I would give them their own invite and invite the SO just to cut down on headaches.  There are high school relationships that make it long term and it would be silly to cut off someone just shy of the age line if they're the only questionable issue, IMO. 

    doeydo
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Many people on here think teenagers in high school are the SO exception, but I believe in inviting their SOs.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    AlexisA01doeydo
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Don't have time (today) to go searching (and also I'm a bum).

    Our guest list is funny. I've pretty much divided my (previously-thought-to-be-small) guest list into chunks: my "must-haves" - the people without whom any celebration of my happiness would feel incomplete - and everyone else, who is secondary but would feel snubbed if they weren't invited while others in each circle (aunts/uncles, cousins, more distant relatives, etc) were. If I can get away with it, my side of the guest list will have my 12-13 must-haves and nobody else. The oldest young cousin would be 14 by the wedding, and if we get a small wedding as we'd like it won't even be an issue.

    FI's is simpler - he has 12-13 people, total. His extended family is not really involved. Now, this is before speaking with FILs about the guest list, but it seems that the consensus is that's it. 

    My question is that my initial plan was to offer +1s to every unmarried guest, whether or not they had a SO. However, this was when our guest list was comprised of my 12-13 (which includes everyone's +1) and his original 6 that I knew of. ALL of them are adults over the age of 18. Yesterday, we added some other people who are important to him/his family. It makes me gleeful that he did - I just have one question.

    Two of his teenage cousins, both of whom will, we think, be under the age of 18 (but close to it) and still in high school at the time of our wedding, are in relationships. I had not really thought of a cut-off age to allow a +1 as until last night I did not think it would be an issue. I would go with 18, myself, or if your invite is actually addressed to your parents, you, and your siblings as opposed to your own invite separate from that of your parents. However, I don't want to slight anyone, or be rude, and the general thought on here seems to be that if two people are in a relationship, they get to be invited with their SO. 

    Thoughts?

    (Yes. My wedding is way far off. But I am building a budget and looking at ideas, and I actually do need this information this early just to make me not crazy when it actually does come up.)
    Anyone under the age of 18, in a relationship, does not need to have their SO invited.  But I would discuss this with FI and see what he wants to do, since this is his family.  He may feel that since everyone else is have either their SO or a plus one given, he may want to extend the same courtesy to his relatives.

    As for invites, if they are under 18, they would be added to the parents invites.  But if you do end up inviting the cousins with their SO, then I would also give them a separate.  But that is just what I would do.  If you do one invite for the entire household, I would do this:

    Mr. & Mrs. John Smith
    John Jr. & Sally
    Gregory & Suzy
    Timmy
    PrettyGirlLost
  • April192002April192002 member
    100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    edited June 2014

    If they're under 18, and living with their parents, then they are included with their parents and no guest is needed. If they're over 18, whether or not living at home, they get their own invitation but not necessarily a +1. My FI's brothers are between 18 and 31 are single and living at home. They will both get their own invitations but not a +1. My hair dresser/make-up artist is single and totally invited to the ceremony/reception on a friend level and I'm giving her a +1 to make her more comfortable, so she'll know someone there other than just FI and myself. It's all about making your guests comfortable.

     

    Edited: Redundant.

  • AddieCake said:
    Many people on here think teenagers in high school are the SO exception, but I believe in inviting their SOs.
    Without attempting to making yet another edit: I think under 18 or in high school is tricky. If they've been dating the same girl/guy for a little while then it would be super nice of you to invite their SO! If they're switching girls/guys every other week or month, then not so much. You could also talk to FI's family about the person they're seeing. If they're comfortable driving them and are happy with the relationship then yes, you are good to invite them if you want. If they're not into her/him and don't want to drive them (more than likely your FI's parents will be driving them unless they're old enough to drive and have a vehicle available to transport themselves or the two of them) then I wouldn't invite SO or +1.
  • Anyone under the age of 18, in a relationship, does not need to have their SO invited.  But I would discuss this with FI and see what he wants to do, since this is his family.  He may feel that since everyone else is have either their SO or a plus one given, he may want to extend the same courtesy to his relatives.
    Agree.  Additionally, when it is closer to invite time, I would have FI discreetly talk to the parents of the teenage cousins.  If travel is involved, or hotel room rentals (or really any similar transactions), the parents may not feel comfortable taking on the temporary responsibility for another teen.  It may be kinder to all parties involved if the SOs aren't invited rather than to create an issue where, etiquette wise, there isn't really one (or at least a generous grey area).

    I would plan to include the SOs for now (and for breathing room in your budget) but would make a final decision closer to your invite date, once you've had more time to think/talk with FI and his family.
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    PrettyGirlLostashleyepluckysnorkel
  • JaxInBlue said:
    Anyone under the age of 18, in a relationship, does not need to have their SO invited.  But I would discuss this with FI and see what he wants to do, since this is his family.  He may feel that since everyone else is have either their SO or a plus one given, he may want to extend the same courtesy to his relatives.
    Agree.  Additionally, when it is closer to invite time, I would have FI discreetly talk to the parents of the teenage cousins.  If travel is involved, or hotel room rentals (or really any similar transactions), the parents may not feel comfortable taking on the temporary responsibility for another teen.  It may be kinder to all parties involved if the SOs aren't invited rather than to create an issue where, etiquette wise, there isn't really one (or at least a generous grey area).

    I would plan to include the SOs for now (and for breathing room in your budget) but would make a final decision closer to your invite date, once you've had more time to think/talk with FI and his family.

    STB:
    This, a thousand times.  Personally, I don't think children need dates but if you do invite them that is another teen the parents are responsible for. They may not want that. I was at a wedding were a teenage cousin was permitted to bring his girlfriend.  She kept complaining about wanting to leave because she had family stuff she wanted to do.  While it was only a day trip it wasn't a short drive so she couldn't just call her parents to come get her.  So she was basically trying to convince the groom's aunt to leave the wedding early to accommodate her.  
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    ashleyep
  • As someone who is now marrying their high school sweetheart, I can say from experience that it really meant a lot when people acknowledged that we were long term and serious even though we were not "adults" yet. I definitely don't think it would be an etiquette disaster if you don't invite the SOs, but if the cousins are mature/you know it's more serious than the average high school relationship/ you can afford it, it would be an extremely nice gesture that I'm sure would not go unnoticed.
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    pinkshorts27
  • I think it absolutely depends on the situation. Yes, I do believe that minors in high school are the exception, but my reason is because they are minors in high school. It has nothing to do with their relationship being less valid just because they're in high school. Which is why I think it depends on the couple in question.
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    PrettyGirlLostashleyep
  • I think it absolutely depends on the situation. Yes, I do believe that minors in high school are the exception, but my reason is because they are minors in high school. It has nothing to do with their relationship being less valid just because they're in high school. Which is why I think it depends on the couple in question.
    This. It might be worth asking their parents. I know my aunts and uncles don't want their kids bringing dates to my wedding (and they're over 18 and single) because they're getting hotel rooms and don't want to have to arrange a room for their kids dates. If it's super local, it's probably not a big deal, but do the parents want to travel with their teenager's boyfriend or girlfriend?
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  • hellosweetie1015hellosweetie1015 Where the skies are so blue member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    ashleyep said:
    I think it absolutely depends on the situation. Yes, I do believe that minors in high school are the exception, but my reason is because they are minors in high school. It has nothing to do with their relationship being less valid just because they're in high school. Which is why I think it depends on the couple in question.
    This. It might be worth asking their parents. I know my aunts and uncles don't want their kids bringing dates to my wedding (and they're over 18 and single) because they're getting hotel rooms and don't want to have to arrange a room for their kids dates. If it's super local, it's probably not a big deal, but do the parents want to travel with their teenager's boyfriend or girlfriend?
    THAT is our concern. The people in question would be traveling at least two hours (possibly up to 8, depending on if we do choose to do the beach plan we have in mind right now). I know for a FACT that, were it my parents, they would flat out tell me no. My dad about shit a brick when I said I wanted FI to move in with us short-term and I'm 25 and engaged. If we tried to travel with our BFs when we were teenagers, my parents would have laughed themselves to death. 

    However, we do not know the parenting style they use, and aren't really sure whether it would be the right thing to do. I know that lots of high-school relationships get discounted unfairly simply because they're high schoolers, but at the same time... well, we just don't know. I'm not sure we'll be able to afford it, and if we can't then it's moot, but if we can we'd like to try and be as positive towards their relationship as possible, without causing a potentially uncomfortable situation for the parents.

    We *have* discussed it a little, but we weren't sure what to do. Their age is also something that FI is fuzzy on - a combination of FI being really bad with numbers and them being "Christmas" family as opposed to immediate family. So I decided to come on here to ask some advice and see what y'all thought. 
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  • I know others disagree with me, but I don't see the need to invite a highschooler with their SO just because they're 18. If they're still in high school and living with their parents, I don't see what the difference is. Mom and Dad are still completely supporting them, whether they're legally allowed to vote or not.
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    SewInLoveWithDMBluckysnorkel
  • I think PP have said it all. First, determine if it is in your budget as you do not need to invite the SOs of minors. Then, if you have room in your budget for them, just call up, or have your FI call up the family in question to learn more about the children's ages/ dependency on their parents. If they are dependent on their parents, would the parents want to travel with and arrange a hotel for their children's boyfriends/ girfriends. That's the only way you'll get the answers you're looking for. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I don't think you have to invite the SOs of minors, but that's because they're minors.    And some parents aren't going to give their minor kids permission to go to weddings out of state, even if their kids' BF/GFs are going.

    Obviously, though, you would have to invite the SOs if these people were legal adults.


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