People are such flakes

jenna8984

My friend across the country got married last night. I texted our friend out there and said "send me a bride pic!" because I was really excited for the bride. Friend who was supposed to be a guest responds to me that she didn't go to the wedding because "something more important came up". I wished her family well in case something happened and she said she'd fill me in later, end of convo. 

This morning I go on facebook and there are at least 3 pictures of her from the night smiling and laughing AT A BAR. And then today she was posting all happy things about going out to lunch and whatnot (nothing appears as though there was a family emergency or anything like that which she is known to post for all to see). I'm just like wow, this girl was a bridesmaid in your wedding and it appears you skipped hers for a bar?? I'm not going to say anything to her because it wasn't my wedding and none of my business but I just wonder how people can be so flakey. 

pinkshorts27

Ick. How classless. 

AddieCake

Maybe there was an event at the bar that was a bigger deal.

climbingsingle

That's messed up if it really is what it appears to be.

Can I add my own annoyance with flakiness? My cousin's shower is in two weeks. The RSVP date was Saturday. Apparently my fsil never replied. My aunt emailed me to see if I knew if she was coming. I sent fsil a text and she hasn't even responded 12 hours later. Seriously, if you don't want to go, just say you can't! I personally can't stand showers so I get it. She's all over Facebook so i know she's around today. So irritating!

AlexisA01

jenna8984 said:

My friend across the country got married last night. I texted our friend out there and said "send me a bride pic!" because I was really excited for the bride. Friend who was supposed to be a guest responds to me that she didn't go to the wedding because "something more important came up". I wished her family well in case something happened and she said she'd fill me in later, end of convo. 

This morning I go on facebook and there are at least 3 pictures of her from the night smiling and laughing AT A BAR. And then today she was posting all happy things about going out to lunch and whatnot (nothing appears as though there was a family emergency or anything like that which she is known to post for all to see). I'm just like wow, this girl was a bridesmaid in your wedding and it appears you skipped hers for a bar?? I'm not going to say anything to her because it wasn't my wedding and none of my business but I just wonder how people can be so flakey. 

Especially with weddings. That at least to me is an important milestone, so I would feel ashamed if I missed a wedding over going to the bar.

jenajjthr

We had a party today for stepson's hs graduation/joining the navy. Two days ago nephew's live-in gf/mother of his child rsvp'd yes they would be at the party, sorry she was late to rsvp, busy with the newborn, yada yada yada. Today they were a no-show. Can't wait to see on FB what happened. 

jenna8984

AddieCake said:

Maybe there was an event at the bar that was a bigger deal.

She had a preemie so she does do fundraising events for NICU and stuff but this wasn't one of the events (or she would have promoted it like the others) and even if it were, I don't find that more important than your bridesmaids wedding. A casual friend, yea maybe, but not a best friend. 

larrygaga

I helped throw a small lingerie shower this past weekend. 20 people RSVP'd yes. 3 people were at the party. Most of them texted an hour before and just said sorry they couldn't make it. Some just didn't show up.One of them had to go a kids soccer game or something. We had really expensive food that just went to waste. It was pretty shitty.

Don't say yes if you aren't absolutely sure. Too bad if you don't feel like going, you said you were going. It's fine if you don't want to go- RSVP no.

I actually thought it was more fun with less bitches around, but still that was a lot of money down the drain. We even rented a place to have the party in because we couldn't fit all the flakey hoes in the same building. We totally could have done it at someone's house instead.

chibiyui

Oh, that sucks Larry. I know sometimes stuff comes up, but 17 people had shit happen? Bitches. 

jenna8984

@larrygaga Yea, that is super ridiculous!! I was taught if you say you will be somewhere, you go and you get there early. That is just rude to not take into consideration the effort and money spent for you to be there. People just assume "it's only one person" but when 17 people assume that you're screwed. 

wandajune6

Wow. To all of these posts.

In my family, you go if you say you're going. If you're a no-show, the entire family will give you shit for years. Though plenty of people will be late... FI's family frequently has no-shows or drags others along. That can get messy...

ElcaB

That is such BS. My best friend got married this weekend and her aunt, uncle, and kids (who RSVP'd yes & took up a full table) told her via FB two days before the wedding "Good luck --- see you in a couple weeks!"

Not only didn't they go, but they didn't ever officially tell her they wouldn't be attending after all. Some people have no respect for others. 

pinkcow13

That's so messed up. 

One of FI's cousins flaked for our engagement party. We called her a few days before the event since she never RSVP'd (we needed to provide a final headcount). Not only did she tell FI that she would be attending, but asked if she could bring 2 of her sons. Since we had a couple of declines, FI told her she could bring the 21 year old, but not the younger one since it was at a lounge/restaurant. She said she would go with the older son. Well, she totally flaked, and her sister told FI that she couldn't make it because her (other) son had just come home from where he was. Well, she posted pictures earlier that week of when he came home, on FB. He did not "just come home." 

If you're going to flake on someone, be smart enough to stay off Facebook! Geez.

charlottesmom0626

FI and I are always offering to host things (4th of July, super bowl, etc) at our place. 90% of our friends always give some vague non-committal answer, so I'm stuck either budgeting for them all to show up (and wasting that food) or budgeting for those who responded and then look like a bad host when everyone does show up. I think it's really sad though, that people cant make commitments for the people they care about. It's this culture of "something better" might come up, so don't tie yourself down to anything.

gmcr78

taylorann0626 said:

FI and I are always offering to host things (4th of July, super bowl, etc) at our place. 90% of our friends always give some vague non-committal answer, so I'm stuck either budgeting for them all to show up (and wasting that food) or budgeting for those who responded and then look like a bad host when everyone does show up. I think it's really sad though, that people cant make commitments for the people they care about. It's this culture of "something better" might come up, so don't tie yourself down to anything.

This.  I don't know when people decided this isn't rude and became so non-committal. I know people who have this exact attitude-they won't get nailed down for anything until they determine nothing else better has come up.  It's infuriating.

pinkshorts27

taylorann0626 said:

FI and I are always offering to host things (4th of July, super bowl, etc) at our place. 90% of our friends always give some vague non-committal answer, so I'm stuck either budgeting for them all to show up (and wasting that food) or budgeting for those who responded and then look like a bad host when everyone does show up. I think it's really sad though, that people cant make commitments for the people they care about. It's this culture of "something better" might come up, so don't tie yourself down to anything.

One of my guy friends used to do that. I explained to him that if he couldn't make a reasonable time commitment that I would make other plans. I did that a few times and then suddenly he was bummed he hadn't seen me in over 3 weeks. I explained again, if you can't give me the decency of committing, I won't keep that day open. So he started changing that habit. Some people will learn if it starts hurting their schedule/fun/life/whatever.

flyingfoxes

I can't stand flaky people.  I quit making plans with them after a few flakes.

Cookie Pusher

I host a lot of dinners and events, and I've gotten to where if someone flakes twice without a reasonable excuse, I stop inviting them over.

Angusaur

I have thrown 2 baby showers for good friends. BOTH times I had at least 8 people not show up. That is a lot of money in food, cake, favors, and game supplies, and prizes. Of course this was not my friends faults.

The first friend seemed absolutely mortified and kept apologizing to me. I told her it's NBD and I just want her to enjoy the day, so she did. 

I would have told second friend same thing but she didn't seem phased by it at all. She was just like well x, x, x, and x didn't come but oh well. No, it's not oh well. Yeah, you may not be concerned about not getting that 50th gift, but I put out money for your friends to eat. Again, not her fault, but I would have been pissed at my friends for doing that to the host of my shower.

banana468

As the guest of honor, I often downplay my irritation in the no shows/flakes but in private I'd vent to DH.

knottie9c5ed33df4bbd226

I HATE FLAKES!!! One of my BIGGEST pet peeves. And unfortunately, I have a few friends like that. People who you know you just shouldn't make plans with because they always flake out last minute..sigh.

knottie9c5ed33df4bbd226

taylorann0626 said:

FI and I are always offering to host things (4th of July, super bowl, etc) at our place. 90% of our friends always give some vague non-committal answer, so I'm stuck either budgeting for them all to show up (and wasting that food) or budgeting for those who responded and then look like a bad host when everyone does show up. I think it's really sad though, that people cant make commitments for the people they care about. It's this culture of "something better" might come up, so don't tie yourself down to anything.

This is it exactly, sadly enough. 

Sugargirl1019

taylorann0626 said:

FI and I are always offering to host things (4th of July, super bowl, etc) at our place. 90% of our friends always give some vague non-committal answer, so I'm stuck either budgeting for them all to show up (and wasting that food) or budgeting for those who responded and then look like a bad host when everyone does show up.

I think it's really sad though, that people cant make commitments for the people they care about. It's this culture of "something better" might come up, so don't tie yourself down to anything.

If they haven't given me a definite answer by x date, I make that decision for them. "Since you are unsure and it is 17 days until the wedding, I'm going to put you down as a no, not attending. We'll see you another time."

We had to do that to so many of FIs guests! I'm unsure if I can make it... Really?? You're family flying in from Oregon - if you haven't bought plane tickets and made hotel reservations, you're a NO. Don't have time for your shit.

csuave

Flakes are the worst, especially for formal, paper invitation catered type of events.

For informal events like come on over to watch a football party and have some food my friends usually rsvp and stick with it but for some that rsvp comes right before the event.  I have developed a "reserve food" system to avoid food waste.  I plan enough food for the probable attendees, and always something that I can enjoy or freeze the leftovers, like chili.  If more people show up I'll open up some packaged food like a box of Keebler smores cookies, a bag of Doritos or throw some TGIF frozen appetizers in the microwave.  If extra guests do not show up, these items stay in the freezer/pantry for some other use. 

Sigh, kind of sad to be using a "system."

erollis

At one of my two bridal showers (two completely different guest lists). I had almost no one show up. I say almost no one because one couple had car trouble and the other friend who showed ran late. We had to call and text everyone because No One rsvpd to my Aunt. And there were people who said yes and never showed! We made the best of it and enjoyed ourselves.

We know a lot of flaky and non committal people. I hate that. Or maybe they are just that way with us. Because they certainly go do enough things that would require an RSVP or firm yes or no. But some of these people are no longer our friends.

hikebikebemerry

banana468 said:

As the guest of honor, I often downplay my irritation in the no shows/flakes but in private I'd vent to DH.

I agree with this.

As a guest, I would be bothered if the guest of honor seemed more concerned with who was missing than who was in attendance. 

SBmini

taylorann0626 said:

FI and I are always offering to host things (4th of July, super bowl, etc) at our place. 90% of our friends always give some vague non-committal answer, so I'm stuck either budgeting for them all to show up (and wasting that food) or budgeting for those who responded and then look like a bad host when everyone does show up. I think it's really sad though, that people cant make commitments for the people they care about. It's this culture of "something better" might come up, so don't tie yourself down to anything.

This happens to me all the time too. All these "maybes" for Facebook events and what not. I count them all as no's and plan for the number of yes's. Then, I ask people to BYO. We host and provide a foundation of food and beverages. If you come- please bring more. That way, we always have enough food regardless if 5 or 15 people show. 

JellyBean52513

I don't normally post here, just lurking because I'm terribly bored... but just to play devil's advocate, maybe something really DID come up but the OP's friend hasn't discussed it with her yet. To outsiders, it may seem shocking and flakey but maybe something went down between the bride and the friend.

Just speaking my past experience, I declined my boss's recent wedding 1. Because my SO wasn't invited with me and 2. She was saying incredibly terrible things about me (mocking how broke I am, etc.) to my co-workers. This is someone that I work with VERY closely, we're the same age, we;ve spent 40+ hours a week together for the past year and a half, and we've hung out socially outside of work. I was so hurt by her actions, I saw no other option but to remove myself from any involvement with her while I'm not on the clock.

SOOOO many of our regular clients asked me "Are you excited for the wedding?!" or, more recently, "How was the wedding??" and the looks on their faces when I say I wasn't attending/didn't attend because "I had other things going on," you'd think I told them that I was pregnant with twin alligators. Like, this is the daughter of the business owner, many of these clients have known her since she was a teenager, WHAT ELSE COULD I POSSIBLY HAVE TO DO BESIDES ENJOY THE HONOR OF BEING PRESENT AT HER WEDDING!?!? Seriously, there were *audible gasps* when I told certain people, when asked, "I didn't attend the wedding, I had other obligations, but I heard it was awesome!" 

So, just to throw in two cents from someone who's currently receiving the feedback y'all are leaving about the OP's friend. Who knows what went down that caused her to hit a bar instead of attend the wedding. I'll be honest, on the night of her wedding, I went to a bar with my SO and we had an awesome night! Way better use of my time than sitting without him at her wedding buying drinks all night because they *had* to have a yacht club reception with Surf & Turf as the entree (stuffed lobster tail & filet mignon), but any hosted drinks were absolutely out of the question.

erollis

@JellyBean52513‌ let's assume the friend OP is talking about did decline the wedding when the RSVPS were due. We all know that's acceptable. It's been said before that invitations are not summons. You declined a wedding and made no etiquette breach. No one is upset when a friend declines properly and doesn't show up. The way they get upset when the friend says they will come and don't show. Not because something is wrong but because something "better" came up.

Also as you mentioned the bride and friend may of had a falling out that OP is unaware of. And a last minute falling out is an acceptable reason to not show at the wedding. The friendship is already over.

Now let's assume what it seems how the rest of us interpreted the OP. OPs friend rsvpd yes to go to the wedding. Talked about going. Then decided to go to the bar instead. Just because. That's upsetting and irritating.

jenajjthr

JellyBean52513 said:

I don't normally post here, just lurking because I'm terribly bored... but just to play devil's advocate, maybe something really DID come up but the OP's friend hasn't discussed it with her yet. To outsiders, it may seem shocking and flakey but maybe something went down between the bride and the friend.

Just speaking my past experience, I declined my boss's recent wedding 1. Because my SO wasn't invited with me and 2. She was saying incredibly terrible things about me (mocking how broke I am, etc.) to my co-workers. This is someone that I work with VERY closely, we're the same age, we;ve spent 40+ hours a week together for the past year and a half, and we've hung out socially outside of work. I was so hurt by her actions, I saw no other option but to remove myself from any involvement with her while I'm not on the clock.

SOOOO many of our regular clients asked me "Are you excited for the wedding?!" or, more recently, "How was the wedding??" and the looks on their faces when I say I wasn't attending/didn't attend because "I had other things going on," you'd think I told them that I was pregnant with twin alligators. Like, this is the daughter of the business owner, many of these clients have known her since she was a teenager, WHAT ELSE COULD I POSSIBLY HAVE TO DO BESIDES ENJOY THE HONOR OF BEING PRESENT AT HER WEDDING!?!? Seriously, there were *audible gasps* when I told certain people, when asked, "I didn't attend the wedding, I had other obligations, but I heard it was awesome!" 

So, just to throw in two cents from someone who's currently receiving the feedback y'all are leaving about the OP's friend. Who knows what went down that caused her to hit a bar instead of attend the wedding. I'll be honest, on the night of her wedding, I went to a bar with my SO and we had an awesome night! Way better use of my time than sitting without him at her wedding buying drinks all night because they *had* to have a yacht club reception with Surf & Turf as the entree (stuffed lobster tail & filet mignon), but any hosted drinks were absolutely out of the question.

SITB

Getting invited and sending in the RSVP with a decline is one thing and is awesome and perfectly acceptable. Anybody who gave you grief was in the wrong. This thread is not about that. It's about not sending in an RSVP or sending in an RSVP with a yes I'll be there and then not showing up at all. That is wrong. That is rude to the host who paid good money to host you, general you, and then you wasted it by not showing up. 

JellyBean52513

erollis said:

@JellyBean52513‌ let's assume the friend OP is talking about did decline the wedding when the RSVPS were due. We all know that's acceptable. It's been said before that invitations are not summons. You declined a wedding and made no etiquette breach. No one is upset when a friend declines properly and doesn't show up. The way they get upset when the friend says they will come and don't show. Not because something is wrong but because something "better" came up. Also as you mentioned the bride and friend may of had a falling out that OP is unaware of. And a last minute falling out is an acceptable reason to not show at the wedding. The friendship is already over. Now let's assume what it seems how the rest of us interpreted the OP. OPs friend rsvpd yes to go to the wedding. Talked about going. Then decided to go to the bar instead. Just because. That's upsetting and irritating.

I understand, it IS upsetting and irritating when someone cancels on you last minute for even small things like a lunch date, and even more so for something like a wedding. However, all I'm saying is, who knows what may have happened between the bride and the friend after the friend had already RSVPed yes. Hell, I could be wasting my time defending her and perhaps she is just a flakey person. But, for her to be flaunting it all over facebook, either she's REALLY freaking flakey or she had a damn good reason for no-showing and then showing off how she spent the evenings otherwise.