Courthouse marriage, ceremony later

Knottie56159950

My fiancé and I are expecting this October. We will go ahead and be legally married at the courthouse in September and have our wedding ceremony next year. Would it still be appropriate for me to have a bridal shower and other pre wedding parties like that even though I will legally already be married? And what would the ceremony next year be called? A vow renewal?? I'm so lost.

CMGragain

IIt would be a vow renewal.  That means you may invite guests to witness the ceremony and have a nice reception afterwards, but no white wedding dress, no bridesmaids and groomsmen, no wedding traditions like bouquet tossing or cake cutting and feeding ceremonies. No bridal showers!  No bachelorette parties!  You give that up when you decide to be married without wedding guests. Vow renewals are NOT second weddings.
Your wedding will be in the courthouse.  You only get one wedding, unless you get divorced or widowed.  At your vow renewal, you will not use the words "wedding", "bride", or "groom".  You will be a happily married woman.
Many people side-eye vow renewals within a year or two of the wedding.  Gifts are not expected, so do not register.  If either of you is Catholic, this will be a major problem, and you should talk to a priest before deciding to be married at the courthouse.
Courthouse weddings can be beautiful and meaningful.  I hope you have a lovely wedding.

PS.  There is no reason why you can't plan a simple wedding now.  It doesn't have to be a courthouse ceremony.  My sister was married in a city park shelter, wearing a white wedding dress she borrowed from a friend.  David's Bridal has lovely maternity wedding gowns, and they come in quickly.  You could serve hamburgers and salads, and get a sheet cake from the grocery store.
Oh, and congratulations on the baby!  Sounds like you have a good future ahead!

CMGragain

Knottie56159950 said:

My fiancé and I are expecting this October. We will go ahead and be legally married at the courthouse in September and have our wedding ceremony next year. Would it still be appropriate for me to have a bridal shower and other pre wedding parties like that even thodyugh I will legally alrea be married? And what would the ceremony next year be called? A vow renewal?? I'm so lost.

Anyone who would be invited to a bridal shower or bachelorette party must be invited to your actual wedding.  If you rethink your plans, as I suggested, you could still have this.

LondonLisa

Ditto CMG but there are a few things of note: Vow renewals are usually for milestone anniversaries, like 20 years. They are frowned upon for being so close to your actual wedding.

You only get one wedding, and that is the day in which you are legally wed. So if you go ahead with a JoP wedding, you are more than welcome to throw a celebration later (everyone loves a party!), but don't make this wedding part 2. No bridal party, no first dance, no fake ceremony, no big pouffy white bridal gown, and certainly no gifts. You are a wife at this point, not a bride.

You can have a bridal shower but this must be before your actual wedding (at the courthouse). Everyone invited to the shower must be invited to the wedding. It is not appropriate to have any pre-wedding parties before your event next year because you will already have had your wedding (therefore it isn't pre-wedding anymore).

Congratulations on your upcoming baby. It sounds like you guys have some adult decisions to make about what you want for your wedding. For what it is worth, you can easily put together a lovely wedding in just a few weeks. Maybe it won't be as fancy, but you will be just as married and you won't waste money on a fake wedding later. 

AddieCake

No, it would not be appropriate to have pre-wedding parties b/c you will have already had a wedding and will already be a wife. 

Jells2dot0

I can see how having a more traditional wedding (full ceremony followed by reception) may seem daunting being 8 months pregnant. So, if you feel strongly about being married before the baby comes, a JOP ceremony, is certainly the least time consuming and stressful. As PPs mentioned, you can still make the absolute best out of a JOP wedding- wear a nice dress, invite some people, etc. Just have a lovely meal with those involved to celebrate afterwards.

Once you're ready to celebrate your marriage, plan an awesome party!!! Dancing, drinking, food, cake!!! Invite whomever you'd like! Give a nice but short speech thanking everyone for celebrating your marriage, how happy you are to have their support, and throw in a few words to your DH to show your love for him. People will understand why you had a smaller wedding and will be thrilled they were invited to celebrate once the baby is born and you have time to plan things! The important thing is that it's not a re-do, but a nice recognition of an event that already occurred.

southernbelle0915

Knottie56159950 said:

My fiancé and I are expecting this October. We will go ahead and be legally married at the courthouse in September and have our wedding ceremony next year. Would it still be appropriate for me to have a bridal shower and other pre wedding parties like that even though I will legally already be married? bridal showers, bachelorette parties, etc are for people who are "brides", "bachelorettes", not married. You will be a wife so it would be inappropriate. And what would the ceremony next year be called? A vow renewal?? I'm so lost.

I would not do a ceremony next year. Your wedding ceremony will be at JOP. Vow renewals are really for milestone anniversaries (25, 50 years) or other significant things - like a spouse tragically got cancer, beat it and they're renewing their vows after going through the whole experience.

In your situation, you are going to JOP by choice to have your wedding. If you want to celebrate with family and friends later on, I would just throw a party to celebrate your marriage. Let everyone know that you are married (no lying - not saying you would but some do), had an intimate ceremony and want to celebrate with them. Hire a DJ, rent a venue, cater the event... But be careful to stay away from trying to make it too much like a wedding (no fake ceremony, no bridesmaids/groomsmen, no "first" dances, etc.). Trying to make it too wedding-ish gets you into PPD (pretty princess day) territory, is considered against etiquette and would get a big eye-roll from many of your guests.

Jen4948

You can have a big party after the courthouse ceremony to celebrate getting married.

But you are only entitled to one wedding ceremony.  If it takes place in the courthouse, that is your "wedding" and you are no longer a "bride" but a "wife."  If you don't want things to be that way, skip the courthouse ceremony and just have the "wedding" later.  If getting married in the courthouse is important because of timing, then you need to accept that that's your "wedding" and skip any reenactment, big white dress, bridal party members, and other "wedding" trappings later.  As someone who is already married, none of that would be appropriate.

Liatris2010

Ditto everyone else's responses.

http://www.maternitybride.com/maternity-wedding-dresses/

Those dresses made me wish I was a pregnant bride!! They are beautiful.

[Deleted User]

I think the one post hit it perfectly. Have a Jop ceremony before baby is born. Make it small with immediate family & your best friends. You can still have a beautiful dress and flowers and even a photographer too. Then go out for a nice meal. Then once the baby is born and you feel up to it, have a celebration of your marriage party. Between the marriage & a new baby, you'll have a lot to celebrate.

OnceUponSnow

I think there's room for compromise. I don't really agree with the whole ''you only get one wedding'' in the sense that once you sign papers, you're done and you can't have a reception a few weeks or months later. Life happens and things don't always go exactly as you planned. It seems to bother strangers more than it actually bothers family and friends, who are usually happy that you can FINALLY have the wedding you wanted to have and had started planning, but met challenges on the way. 

I would do what Erikan73 suggested, which is having a small wedding ceremony and private reception for your closest family and friends only in September. Then I would plan the marriage reception later, and wear a white dress if you want, but I would skip everything that is related to gift-giving, such as registries, bachelorette party and bridal showers. People might still want to offer gifts, so if ever your family ''pressures'' you into having a registry, then you can decide to set up one at their request, but don't take the initiative to do it. 

Jen4948

OnceUponSnow said:

I think there's room for compromise. I don't really agree with the whole ''you only get one wedding'' in the sense that once you sign papers, you're done and you can't have a reception a few weeks or months later. Life happens and things don't always go exactly as you planned. It seems to bother strangers more than it actually bothers family and friends, who are usually happy that you can FINALLY have the wedding you wanted to have and had started planning, but met challenges on the way. 

I disagree.  The ceremony that unites you in marriage socially and legally, whether that's in a courthouse or a church or on a beach or wherever, whether the bride is wearing a big white dress and veil or a pantsuit or jeans and a T-shirt, is THE WEDDING.  After that any other ceremonies are "re-enactments." 

Sometimes life just doesn't allow you to have "the wedding of your dreams."  Adults accept that and have parties to celebrate the marriage they did have, which is perfectly okay.  But, they are okay only as long as it is recognized by all that that party is not THE WEDDING.  That means that having "wedding" trappings like cake cutting, white dress and veil, bridesmaids, gift registries, showers, bachelor/ette parties, etc., while already being married, are not appropriate.

Marzipan13

Jen4948 said:

I disagree.  The ceremony that unites you in marriage socially and legally, whether that's in a courthouse or a church or on a beach or wherever, whether the bride is wearing a big white dress and veil or a pantsuit or jeans and a T-shirt, is THE WEDDING.  After that any other ceremonies are "re-enactments." 

Sometimes life just doesn't allow you to have "the wedding of your dreams."  Adults accept that and have parties to celebrate the marriage they did have, which is perfectly okay.  But, they are okay only as long as it is recognized by all that that party is not THE WEDDING.  That means that having "wedding" trappings like cake cutting, white dress and veil, bridesmaids, gift registries, showers, bachelor/ette parties, etc., while already being married, are not appropriate.

--------------------------------------------------etf: boxes---------------------------------------------------- Is it just me, or have we been having to explain this a lot lately?    

April192002

You are more than welcome to have a party with friends and family celebrating your marriage. If you wanted to, you could even hold a 1 year anniversary party (it may be a little weird since those tend to be 25 and 50 years). You can have food, cake, music, etc., thanking everyone for helping you through the past year of big changes but it can't be a recreation of your wedding. Don't expect gifts and don't create a wedding registry.

If you want to have a ceremony and reception with the first dance, cake cutting, etc., you can always spend a few hundred dollars and rent out a city building (some have tables and chairs included) and serve simple food and cake. It probably won't be the wedding that you've always dreamed of but it's a choice you have to make. Whether you spend $100 with just the two of you or $100,000 with everyone you've ever met, the final result is at the end of that one day you're married to person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

JMS62415

Knottie56159950 said:

My fiancé and I are expecting this October. We will go ahead and be legally married at the courthouse in September and have our wedding ceremony next year. Would it still be appropriate for me to have a bridal shower and other pre wedding parties like that even though I will legally already be married? And what would the ceremony next year be called? A vow renewal?? I'm so lost.

Technically, it would be a vow renewal but you can do it however you want. I don't see a single reason why you shouldn't have the wedding you've always wanted, even if you're already married. I've known a TON of women who have had JoP weddings because of military obligations and have a wedding and/or reception later on when possible for their friends and family. Your reasons are just a little different but I don't see why you can't do that as well. 

Honestly though, I don't think it's anyone's business how you do your big day besides you, your fiance, and your family. I would take people's "advice" with a grain of salt. You only have one life so don't live with regrets. If a big wedding and reception is important to you, do it. 

MobKaz

JMS62415 said:

show previous quotes

Knottie56159950 said:

My fiancé and I are expecting this October. We will go ahead and be legally married at the courthouse in September and have our wedding ceremony next year. Would it still be appropriate for me to have a bridal shower and other pre wedding parties like that even though I will legally already be married? And what would the ceremony next year be called? A vow renewal?? I'm so lost.

Technically, it would be a vow renewal but  (1.) you can do it however you want. (2.) I don't see a single reason why you shouldn't have the wedding you've always wanted, even if (3.) you're already married. I've known a TON of women who have had JoP weddings because of (4.) military obligations and have a wedding and/or reception later on when possible for their friends and family. (5.) Your reasons are just a little different but I don't see why you can't do that as well. 

Honestly though, I don't think it's anyone's business how you do your big day besides you, your fiance, and your family. I would take people's "advice" with a grain of salt. You only have one life so don't live with regrets. If a big wedding and reception is important to you, do it. 

1.  No, you can't.
2.  See #3.
4.  One of multiple excuses, not reasons, to justify this.
5.  Nothing different or unique here.

0Paris0

Is there a reason you can't wait?? I had our son 13 going on 14 years ago and FI and I are just now getting married. You can be a happy family without getting married if having a wedding is your dream. 

southernbelle0915

0Paris0 said:

Is there a reason you can't wait?? I had our son 13 going on 14 years ago and FI and I are just now getting married. You can be a happy family without getting married if having a wedding is your dream. 

If you are not legally married, of course you can!! The issue here is that she is planning to get legally married at the courthouse and then do a reenactment later..

mrs4everhart

OP, I think if you look in to it a little further there's GOT to be another way to get multiple copies of your license other than showing up in person. If there is it renders this whole conversation moot.

That said, if for whatever reason you decide it's best for you, your FI and your situation to take care of the legality first, whether it's popular on TK or not should be irrelevant.

Whether you disclose or not is also up to you and your FI. If you feel it's no one else business simply do not discuss it with anyone. Only you know how you think your friends and family would receive the news if they were to "find out" because although improbable, it's not impossible. Only you know how you'll handle the situation if it arises and only you can know what's truly important in your own personal situation, and what you think others will consider important (and if you plan to factor that in).

Next you need to consider your officiant's role in this. Many will not perform a non-legal ceremony. If your officiant is on board then problem solved there. And then there may be those expecting to witness/sign your license, like a MOH/BM. That may be your biggest obstacle if this is the route you choose.

I imagine you're going to find out there's alternate ways of getting license copies in the future though, so I think you'll be able to do this the old fashioned way. If not, best of luck!!

MobKaz

STBMrsEverhart said:

OP, I think if you look in to it a little further there's GOT to be another way to get multiple copies of your license other than showing up in person. If there is it renders this whole conversation moot. That said, if for whatever reason you decide it's best for you, your FI and your situation to take care of the legality first, whether it's popular on TK or not should be irrelevant. Whether you disclose or not is also up to you and your FI. If you feel it's no one else business simply do not discuss it with anyone. Only you know how you think your friends and family would receive the news if they were to "find out" because although improbable, it's not impossible. Only you know how you'll handle the situation if it arises and only you can know what's truly important in your own personal situation, and what you think others will consider important (and if you plan to factor that in). Next you need to consider your officiant's role in this. Many will not perform a non-legal ceremony. If your officiant is on board then problem solved there. And then there may be those expecting to witness/sign your license, like a MOH/BM. That may be your biggest obstacle if this is the route you choose. I imagine you're going to find out there's alternate ways of getting license copies in the future though, so I think you'll be able to do this the old fashioned way. If not, best of luck!!

The OP did not ask about how to obtain multiple copies of her marriage license, nor did she solicit lessons in how to lie to her friends and family.  The popularity of telling the truth extends beyond the scope of The Knot.

freebread03

I still can't believe some of the comments here telling her it's ok to do both because it's "just the legal stuff" or it's "just signing the papers". Really?!  So when I marry my fiance next month, its "just the legal stuff" or "just paperwork" to some of you? That is so incredibly insulting.

OP, either do the whole shebang now, or wait until later to get married.  You can't have both.  But you CAN have a very nice JOP ceremony, and celebrate a wonderful first year of marriage on your 1 year anniversary or something similar.

mrs4everhart

MobKaz said:

show previous quotes

STBMrsEverhart said:

OP, I think if you look in to it a little further there's GOT to be another way to get multiple copies of your license other than showing up in person. If there is it renders this whole conversation moot. That said, if for whatever reason you decide it's best for you, your FI and your situation to take care of the legality first, whether it's popular on TK or not should be irrelevant. Whether you disclose or not is also up to you and your FI. If you feel it's no one else business simply do not discuss it with anyone. Only you know how you think your friends and family would receive the news if they were to "find out" because although improbable, it's not impossible. Only you know how you'll handle the situation if it arises and only you can know what's truly important in your own personal situation, and what you think others will consider important (and if you plan to factor that in). Next you need to consider your officiant's role in this. Many will not perform a non-legal ceremony. If your officiant is on board then problem solved there. And then there may be those expecting to witness/sign your license, like a MOH/BM. That may be your biggest obstacle if this is the route you choose. I imagine you're going to find out there's alternate ways of getting license copies in the future though, so I think you'll be able to do this the old fashioned way. If not, best of luck!!

The OP did not ask about how to obtain multiple copies of her marriage license, nor did she solicit lessons in how to lie to her friends and family.  The popularity of telling the truth extends beyond the scope of The Knot.

SIB*****

How right you are! I responded to the wrong post. Ugh, mobile first thing in the morning pre-caffeine! Thank goodness I can always copy/paste.

mrs4everhart

freebread03 said:

I still can't believe some of the comments here telling her it's ok to do both because it's "just the legal stuff" or it's "just signing the papers". Really?!  So when I marry my fiance next month, its "just the legal stuff" or "just paperwork" to some of you? That is so incredibly insulting.

OP, either do the whole shebang now, or wait until later to get married.  You can't have both.  But you CAN have a very nice JOP ceremony, and celebrate a wonderful first year of marriage on your 1 year anniversary or something similar.

Strangers on the internet can actually insult you? That's just crazy talk!

Jells2dot0

STBMrsEverhart said:

show previous quotes

freebread03 said:

I still can't believe some of the comments here telling her it's ok to do both because it's "just the legal stuff" or it's "just signing the papers". Really?!  So when I marry my fiance next month, its "just the legal stuff" or "just paperwork" to some of you? That is so incredibly insulting.

OP, either do the whole shebang now, or wait until later to get married.  You can't have both.  But you CAN have a very nice JOP ceremony, and celebrate a wonderful first year of marriage on your 1 year anniversary or something similar.

Strangers on the internet can actually insult you? That's just crazy talk!


I'm not sure why I'm wasting my breath, but here it goes.

She wasn't saying she was personally insulted. However, it is insulting in a general sense. Example- I was once told on here that I didn't have a real wedding because I eloped. I wasn't personally hurt over it, but it was an ignorant comment that basically said eloping wasn't a meaningful thing.

mrs4everhart

Jells2dot0 said:

show previous quotes

STBMrsEverhart said:

freebread03 said:

I still can't believe some of the comments here telling her it's ok to do both because it's "just the legal stuff" or it's "just signing the papers". Really?!  So when I marry my fiance next month, its "just the legal stuff" or "just paperwork" to some of you? That is so incredibly insulting.

OP, either do the whole shebang now, or wait until later to get married.  You can't have both.  But you CAN have a very nice JOP ceremony, and celebrate a wonderful first year of marriage on your 1 year anniversary or something similar.

Strangers on the internet can actually insult you? That's just crazy talk!

I'm not sure why I'm wasting my breath, but here it goes.

She wasn't saying she was personally insulted. However, it is insulting in a general sense. Example- I was once told on here that I didn't have a real wedding because I eloped. I wasn't personally hurt over it, but it was an ignorant comment that basically said eloping wasn't a meaningful thing.



I think there's way too much sensitivity present any time anyone truly cares about the opinions of strangers.

In your case @Jells2dot0‌, you know you had a real wedding in the fashion of your choosing. So some crazy lady doesn't agree? Who cares? Maybe the woman doesn't like elopements? Best bet for her would be not eloping. I read all sorts of things on here daily I don't agree with. I'm not going to get offended about it.

KatieinBkln

STBMrsEverhart said:

show previous quotes

freebread03 said:

I still can't believe some of the comments here telling her it's ok to do both because it's "just the legal stuff" or it's "just signing the papers". Really?!  So when I marry my fiance next month, its "just the legal stuff" or "just paperwork" to some of you? That is so incredibly insulting.

OP, either do the whole shebang now, or wait until later to get married.  You can't have both.  But you CAN have a very nice JOP ceremony, and celebrate a wonderful first year of marriage on your 1 year anniversary or something similar.

Strangers on the internet can actually insult you? That's just crazy talk!

I'm not sure why I'm wasting my breath, but here it goes. She wasn't saying she was personally insulted. However, it is insulting in a general sense. Example- I was once told on here that I didn't have a real wedding because I eloped. I wasn't personally hurt over it, but it was an ignorant comment that basically said eloping wasn't a meaningful thing.

I think there's way too much sensitivity present any time anyone truly cares about the opinions of strangers. In your case @Jells2dot0‌, you know you had a real wedding in the fashion of your choosing. So some crazy lady doesn't agree? Who cares? Maybe the woman doesn't like elopements? Best bet for her would be not eloping. I read all sorts of things on here daily I don't agree with. I'm not going to get offended about it.

Just hypothetically though, isn't there a difference between "being offended" and acknowledging that something is offensive? I think so. In fact, I think that's kind of the whole point of etiquette: behaving in a way that is least likely to offend others. Maybe no one in your group actually WOULD be offended by X behavior, but the best practice is to avoid things that people could reasonably find offensive. If your options are between doing potentially offensive thing X or certainly appropriate thing Y, pick thing Y.

I think a lot of shit is objectively offensive and shitty to say, and I can acknowledge that fact without being personally irritated in any way. 

mrs4everhart

KatieinBkln said:

show previous quotes

STBMrsEverhart said:

Jells2dot0 said:

STBMrsEverhart said:

freebread03 said:

I still can't believe some of the comments here telling her it's ok to do both because it's "just the legal stuff" or it's "just signing the papers". Really?!  So when I marry my fiance next month, its "just the legal stuff" or "just paperwork" to some of you? That is so incredibly insulting.

OP, either do the whole shebang now, or wait until later to get married.  You can't have both.  But you CAN have a very nice JOP ceremony, and celebrate a wonderful first year of marriage on your 1 year anniversary or something similar.

Strangers on the internet can actually insult you? That's just crazy talk!

I'm not sure why I'm wasting my breath, but here it goes.

She wasn't saying she was personally insulted. However, it is insulting in a general sense. Example- I was once told on here that I didn't have a real wedding because I eloped. I wasn't personally hurt over it, but it was an ignorant comment that basically said eloping wasn't a meaningful thing.

I think there's way too much sensitivity present any time anyone truly cares about the opinions of strangers.

In your case @Jells2dot0‌, you know you had a real wedding in the fashion of your choosing. So some crazy lady doesn't agree? Who cares? Maybe the woman doesn't like elopements? Best bet for her would be not eloping. I read all sorts of things on here daily I don't agree with. I'm not going to get offended about it.

Just hypothetically though, isn't there a difference between "being offended" and acknowledging that something is offensive? I think so. In fact, I think that's kind of the whole point of etiquette: behaving in a way that is least likely to offend others. Maybe no one in your group actually WOULD be offended by X behavior, but the best practice is to avoid things that people could reasonably find offensive. If your options are between doing potentially offensive thing X or certainly appropriate thing Y, pick thing Y.

I think a lot of shit is objectively offensive and shitty to say, and I can acknowledge that fact without being personally
irritated in any way. 

I'm not certain that acknowledging that there's a marked difference between signing a marriage license and having some sort of ceremony is offensive.

People can allow themselves to find TONS of things offensive while being personally offended or not. But I think this subject as a whole has created a group mindset in society of being overly sensitive, easily offended and PC. No thanks.

I guess that's where we all have lines to draw in the sand. What one person may think others could get reasonably offended about and what the next person thinks can be SO very different. And I'm not certain that crafting an idea or concept around a very small minority is always the best plan. The advice of "even if one guest is offended by XYZ it's too many" doesn't play for me. And if that one guest happens to be Aunt Sally who is still offended by Elvis' performance on Ed Sullivan? Sorry, she's not going to be my litmus test.

But I digress bc for me it's so simple. Treat others as you'd like to be treated. And take opinions from the peanut gallery with a grain of salt.

Jells2dot0

STBMrsEverhart said:

show previous quotes

STBMrsEverhart said:

freebread03 said:

I still can't believe some of the comments here telling her it's ok to do both because it's "just the legal stuff" or it's "just signing the papers". Really?!  So when I marry my fiance next month, its "just the legal stuff" or "just paperwork" to some of you? That is so incredibly insulting.

OP, either do the whole shebang now, or wait until later to get married.  You can't have both.  But you CAN have a very nice JOP ceremony, and celebrate a wonderful first year of marriage on your 1 year anniversary or something similar.

Strangers on the internet can actually insult you? That's just crazy talk!

I'm not sure why I'm wasting my breath, but here it goes. She wasn't saying she was personally insulted. However, it is insulting in a general sense. Example- I was once told on here that I didn't have a real wedding because I eloped. I wasn't personally hurt over it, but it was an ignorant comment that basically said eloping wasn't a meaningful thing.

I think there's way too much sensitivity present any time anyone truly cares about the opinions of strangers. In your case @Jells2dot0‌, you know you had a real wedding in the fashion of your choosing. So some crazy lady doesn't agree? Who cares? Maybe the woman doesn't like elopements? Best bet for her would be not eloping. I read all sorts of things on here daily I don't agree with. I'm not going to get offended about it.

Just hypothetically though, isn't there a difference between "being offended" and acknowledging that something is offensive? I think so. In fact, I think that's kind of the whole point of etiquette: behaving in a way that is least likely to offend others. Maybe no one in your group actually WOULD be offended by X behavior, but the best practice is to avoid things that people could reasonably find offensive. If your options are between doing potentially offensive thing X or certainly appropriate thing Y, pick thing Y.

I think a lot of shit is objectively offensive and shitty to say, and I can acknowledge that fact without being personally irritated in any way. 

I'm not certain that acknowledging that there's a marked difference between signing a marriage license and having some sort of ceremony is offensive. People can allow themselves to find TONS of things offensive while being personally offended or not. But I think this subject as a whole has created a group mindset in society of being overly sensitive, easily offended and PC. No thanks. I guess that's where we all have lines to draw in the sand. What one person may think others could get reasonably offended about and what the next person thinks can be SO very different. And I'm not certain that crafting an idea or concept around a very small minority is always the best plan. The advice of "even if one guest is offended by XYZ it's too many" doesn't play for me. And if that one guest happens to be Aunt Sally who is still offended by Elvis' performance on Ed Sullivan? Sorry, she's not going to be my litmus test. But I digress bc for me it's so simple. . 

Treat others as you'd like to be treated And take opinions from the peanut gallery with a grain of salt.

So, you wouldn't mind being lied to on purpose by someone who claims to care about you? Because that's what you are doing to your guests. I know I'm beating a dead horse, but I just cannot fathom lying to a whole group of people who I claim to care about for something that in my mind is quite selfish. 

KatieinBkln

STBMrsEverhart said:

show previous quotes

STBMrsEverhart said:

freebread03 said:

I still can't believe some of the comments here telling her it's ok to do both because it's "just the legal stuff" or it's "just signing the papers". Really?!  So when I marry my fiance next month, its "just the legal stuff" or "just paperwork" to some of you? That is so incredibly insulting.

OP, either do the whole shebang now, or wait until later to get married.  You can't have both.  But you CAN have a very nice JOP ceremony, and celebrate a wonderful first year of marriage on your 1 year anniversary or something similar.

Strangers on the internet can actually insult you? That's just crazy talk!

I'm not sure why I'm wasting my breath, but here it goes. She wasn't saying she was personally insulted. However, it is insulting in a general sense. Example- I was once told on here that I didn't have a real wedding because I eloped. I wasn't personally hurt over it, but it was an ignorant comment that basically said eloping wasn't a meaningful thing.

I think there's way too much sensitivity present any time anyone truly cares about the opinions of strangers. In your case @Jells2dot0‌, you know you had a real wedding in the fashion of your choosing. So some crazy lady doesn't agree? Who cares? Maybe the woman doesn't like elopements? Best bet for her would be not eloping. I read all sorts of things on here daily I don't agree with. I'm not going to get offended about it.

Just hypothetically though, isn't there a difference between "being offended" and acknowledging that something is offensive? I think so. In fact, I think that's kind of the whole point of etiquette: behaving in a way that is least likely to offend others. Maybe no one in your group actually WOULD be offended by X behavior, but the best practice is to avoid things that people could reasonably find offensive. If your options are between doing potentially offensive thing X or certainly appropriate thing Y, pick thing Y.

I think a lot of shit is objectively offensive and shitty to say, and I can acknowledge that fact without being personally irritated in any way. 

I'm not certain that acknowledging that there's a marked difference between signing a marriage license and having some sort of ceremony is offensive. People can allow themselves to find TONS of things offensive while being personally offended or not. But I think this subject as a whole has created a group mindset in society of being overly sensitive, easily offended and PC. No thanks. I guess that's where we all have lines to draw in the sand. What one person may think others could get reasonably offended about and what the next person thinks can be SO very different. And I'm not certain that crafting an idea or concept around a very small minority is always the best plan. The advice of "even if one guest is offended by XYZ it's too many" doesn't play for me. And if that one guest happens to be Aunt Sally who is still offended by Elvis' performance on Ed Sullivan? Sorry, she's not going to be my litmus test. But I digress bc for me it's so simple. Treat others as you'd like to be treated. And take opinions from the peanut gallery with a grain of salt.

See, the bolded is a legitimate difference of opinion, and one that we could argue, if we were so inclined. But calling people out for being "so thin-skinned" and "allowing" internet strangers to "upset" them is a total red herring. No one is probably sitting at home quivering with rage about anything that's reported on these boards. All they're really doing is participating in a much more general intellectual exercise: Would you find X thing offensive? Do the rules of etiquette say anything about what I might want to do? Sure, some people might find certain things really upsetting when they come across them in real life, but that's hardly what these boards are about, apart from the occasional vent. Giving people the Eleanor Roosevelt treatment (people can only make you feel inferior if you let them!) just strikes me as an awfully convenient, if not deliberate, misunderstanding of what a forum is about, especially since it sets you up as being so above the rest of us emotional "PC" people. People are allowed to disagree with your ideas and even find them (generally) offensive without it making them sheep who only believe what they believe because they want to cater to a vocal minority. It doesn't make everyone else "sensitive" while you're super cool. It just means that they care about different things or find it worthwhile to consider whether something is generally offensive or potentially upsetting. 

ShesSoCold

Can I add my own little story here?

40 days before my destination wedding, my dream princess day that took me a year and a half to plan (gag), my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Out of the blue. Whether or not she would be in chemo, she shouldn't be traveling. So we cancelled the wedding and planned a new one at home in less than one business day. 

This notion that everyone "deserves" a "dream" wedding is horseshit and it makes me sad. Not because of the bratty entitled attitudes (which are sad, yes) but because people somehow seem to think that a pretty dress and pretty pictures are what makes a wedding important, not the people involved. 

I DGAF if we get married in the basement. As long as my dying mother is there, I'm going to be the happiest fucking bride because I know it's important to her. And to the rest of our families. 

I hope these PPD brides sit down for a while and try to think about what is really, REALLY important to them on their wedding day. Not days, DAY. And do everyone a favor and grow the fuck up. 

CMGragain

ShesSoCold said:

Can I add my own little story here?

40 days before my destination wedding, my dream princess day that took me a year and a half to plan (gag), my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Out of the blue. Whether or not she would be in chemo, she shouldn't be traveling. So we cancelled the wedding and planned a new one at home in less than one business day. 

This notion that everyone "deserves" a "dream" wedding is horseshit and it makes me sad. Not because of the bratty entitled attitudes (which are sad, yes) but because people somehow seem to think that a pretty dress and pretty pictures are what makes a wedding important, not the people involved. 

I DGAF if we get married in the basement. As long as my dying mother is there, I'm going to be the happiest fucking bride because I know it's important to her. And to the rest of our families. 

I hope these PPD brides sit down for a while and try to think about what is really, REALLY important to them on their wedding day. Not days, DAY. And do everyone a favor and grow the fuck up. 

Just a sympathy post to you.  I have stage 4 breast cancer.  I do know people who have lived many years with this diagnosis with the help of good medical care.  I plan to be one of them.  Best wishes to you and your family.  I hope your Mom has good luck with her treatment future.