Checking with VIPs

iloveotters2014

My sister just got engaged! yay!

Well she has already started wedding planning since she decided she wants to get married in march of 2015. Well she posts on facebook about how it's going to be crazy trying to get everything done by March and my aunt responds "Oh no please not march! we will be in Florida with your grandpa that month."

Now keep in mind my sister hasn't booked anything yet so this may be a non issue if she can't get the date she was looking for, but she is pretty upset with my aunt. She feels that they should just fly up for the weekend, and if they want to be there they will. However, back to when I was planning my wedding I know that you are supposed to check with VIP's before you select a date. Is she in the wrong here? If someone important says early on that they can't do what you are planning should you adjust your plans so they can attend or tell them that they will be there if they want to?

I'm kind of torn since telling someone a certain weekend wont work is a little different than telling them an entire month wont work.

PrettyGirlLost

flantastic said:

Depends if these people are VIPs.

If she can't imagine having the wedding without them, then she should stay out of March - it's not aunt's fault they've got a previously planned trip.

If it would be a big bummer but ultimately okay if they didn't come, she can plan it for whenever she wants and hope they choose to make a weekend trip.

^This.

It's all a matter of priorities.  AS a couple is your wedding date more important to you, or having certain VIP's attend your wedding?

If it is important for your sister and her FI to have certain VIPs in attendance of their wedding, then they should determine who their VIPs are, and then make sure those people are available for whatever dates she and her FI are planning on trying to book. 

She should not just assume people will interrupt a previously booked vacation to attend her wedding. . . I sure as heck wouldn't, sorrynotsorry.

iloveotters2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

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flantastic said:

Depends if these people are VIPs.

If she can't imagine having the wedding without them, then she should stay out of March - it's not aunt's fault they've got a previously planned trip.

If it would be a big bummer but ultimately okay if they didn't come, she can plan it for whenever she wants and hope they choose to make a weekend trip.

^This.

It's all a matter of priorities.  AS a couple is your wedding date more important to you, or having certain VIP's attend your wedding?

If it is important for your sister and her FI to have certain VIPs in attendance of their wedding, then they should determine who their VIPs are, and then make sure those people are available for whatever dates she and her FI are planning on trying to book. 

She should not just assume people will interrupt a previously booked vacation to attend her wedding. . . I sure as heck wouldn't, sorrynotsorry.

yeah thats a really good point. I personally would have been devistated if my grandpa didn't make it to our wedding. but I can't assume that her priorities are the same.

and I agree. If she had planned something for when I had planned and paid for a trip then she would have been shit out of luck.

I just have to make sure i really try my hardest during this process with her to NOT say "you should do this, or you shouldnt do that" I know that can get annoying. Although it took all I had not to comment when she said that the bridesmaids will have identical hairstyles :I

LondonLisa

Ditto PPs- Invites are not subpoenas and if you cannot imagine getting married without them then you should arrange accordingly. Also, never expect anyone to cancel their holiday for your wedding. 

But, (And I would say more importantly)  this is also a great lesson on why you should not post anything wedding related on FB! Is she inviting EVERYONE on her FB friend list to her wedding? She is just asking for awkward conversations and hurt feelings.

PrettyGirlLost

iloveotters2014 said:

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PrettyGirlLost said:

flantastic said:

Depends if these people are VIPs.

If she can't imagine having the wedding without them, then she should stay out of March - it's not aunt's fault they've got a previously planned trip.

If it would be a big bummer but ultimately okay if they didn't come, she can plan it for whenever she wants and hope they choose to make a weekend trip.

^This.

It's all a matter of priorities.  AS a couple is your wedding date more important to you, or having certain VIP's attend your wedding?

If it is important for your sister and her FI to have certain VIPs in attendance of their wedding, then they should determine who their VIPs are, and then make sure those people are available for whatever dates she and her FI are planning on trying to book. 

She should not just assume people will interrupt a previously booked vacation to attend her wedding. . . I sure as heck wouldn't, sorrynotsorry.

yeah thats a really good point. I personally would have been devistated if my grandpa didn't make it to our wedding. but I can't assume that her priorities are the same.

and I agree. If she had planned something for when I had planned and paid for a trip then she would have been shit out of luck.

I just have to make sure i really try my hardest during this process with her to NOT say "you should do this, or you shouldnt do that" I know that can get annoying. Although it took all I had not to comment when she said that the bridesmaids will have identical hairstyles :I

Oh God woman, send her to us!

Let us be thr voice of reason, lol!  She won't listen to you because you are her sister.

iloveotters2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

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iloveotters2014 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

flantastic said:

Depends if these people are VIPs.

If she can't imagine having the wedding without them, then she should stay out of March - it's not aunt's fault they've got a previously planned trip.

If it would be a big bummer but ultimately okay if they didn't come, she can plan it for whenever she wants and hope they choose to make a weekend trip.

^This.

It's all a matter of priorities.  AS a couple is your wedding date more important to you, or having certain VIP's attend your wedding?

If it is important for your sister and her FI to have certain VIPs in attendance of their wedding, then they should determine who their VIPs are, and then make sure those people are available for whatever dates she and her FI are planning on trying to book. 

She should not just assume people will interrupt a previously booked vacation to attend her wedding. . . I sure as heck wouldn't, sorrynotsorry.

yeah thats a really good point. I personally would have been devistated if my grandpa didn't make it to our wedding. but I can't assume that her priorities are the same.

and I agree. If she had planned something for when I had planned and paid for a trip then she would have been shit out of luck.

I just have to make sure i really try my hardest during this process with her to NOT say "you should do this, or you shouldnt do that" I know that can get annoying. Although it took all I had not to comment when she said that the bridesmaids will have identical hairstyles :I

Oh God woman, send her to us!

Let us be thr voice of reason, lol!  She won't listen to you because you are her sister.

hahahahha Oh I plan to! But I also expect her to be the kind of poster who DD's when she doesnt hear what she wants.

This should be an interesting 8 months!

lilacck28

I do think blocking out an entire month seems a bit much though. Maybe I'm just not lucky enough to even be able to imagine a MONTH LONG vacation. 

But, yeah, if it's that important to her that your grandpa attends, she needs to ask him if he will be able to come during March. 

PrettyGirlLost

lilacck28 said:

I do think blocking out an entire month seems a bit much though. Maybe I'm just not lucky enough to even be able to imagine a MONTH LONG vacation. 

But, yeah, if it's that important to her that your grandpa attends, she needs to ask him if he will be able to come during March. 

If that's the actual length of their pre-booked vacation- the entire month of March- then it is what it is, and the sister has to decide if having her Aunt and Grandpa at the wedding is more important to her than having a wedding in March.

If the situation were different, and the Aunt was only just planning a vacation for sometime in March, and nothing had been booked yet, then I think it would be an overstep for her to ask her neice not to book a wedding in March at all.

iloveotters2014

PrettyGirlLost said:

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lilacck28 said:

I do think blocking out an entire month seems a bit much though. Maybe I'm just not lucky enough to even be able to imagine a MONTH LONG vacation. 

But, yeah, if it's that important to her that your grandpa attends, she needs to ask him if he will be able to come during March. 

If that's the actual length of their pre-booked vacation- the entire month of March- then it is what it is, and the sister has to decide if having her Aunt and Grandpa at the wedding is more important to her than having a wedding in March.

If the situation were different, and the Aunt was only just planning a vacation for sometime in March, and nothing had been booked yet, then I think it would be an overstep for her to ask her neice not to book a wedding in March at all.

That's mostly the thing. It's a vacation-ish. My grandpa spends January through March in florida because he is nearly 90 and doesn't do well in cold climates. Since my grandma passed away last year he doesnt feel comfortable being alone in Florida. So my aunt has offered to stay with him as much as she can to help out. So she will be down that entire month.

Oh also this has now turned into a family arguement on facebook between my aunt and sis for everyone to see. oh joy.

Jen4948

iloveotters2014 said:

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PrettyGirlLost said:

lilacck28 said:

I do think blocking out an entire month seems a bit much though. Maybe I'm just not lucky enough to even be able to imagine a MONTH LONG vacation. 

But, yeah, if it's that important to her that your grandpa attends, she needs to ask him if he will be able to come during March. 

If that's the actual length of their pre-booked vacation- the entire month of March- then it is what it is, and the sister has to decide if having her Aunt and Grandpa at the wedding is more important to her than having a wedding in March.

If the situation were different, and the Aunt was only just planning a vacation for sometime in March, and nothing had been booked yet, then I think it would be an overstep for her to ask her neice not to book a wedding in March at all.

That's mostly the thing. It's a vacation-ish. My grandpa spends January through March in florida because he is nearly 90 and doesn't do well in cold climates. Since my grandma passed away last year he doesnt feel comfortable being alone in Florida. So my aunt has offered to stay with him as much as she can to help out. So she will be down that entire month.

Oh also this has now turned into a family arguement on facebook between my aunt and sis for everyone to see. oh joy. 

Ew, that's ugly.

But yeah, before setting a date, one should check with VIPs.

Question:  What if every date that works for you, a VIP says no, I can't make it?  My guess is that even if they're a VIP, one has to just accept that a VIP can't make whatever date you ultimately select.  But sometimes it might seem like VIPs are jerking you around, depending on what they want to do instead, if every one of them keeps saying no regardless of what date you suggest.

simcal18

I definitely sympathize with your sister.  We really wanted a wedding in the late spring of next year.  However, my half sister couldn't do April because they do a huge audit at work every year during that time and she'll be coming in from OOT, and a close OOT cousin asked us to stay away from May because she'll have a senior in high school that will have prom and graduation that month.  By the time we found a venue, every Saturday in June was booked, so we wound up with a date in mid-July.  I'm a little peeved that we had two whole months essentially taken off the table for us, but picking an April or May date wouldn't have been worth the inevitable family drama that would have resulted, and we wanted these family members to be able to attend.  It's irritating when VIPs request that you stay away from large chunks of time (as opposed to a weekend or two), but often their unavailability at that time is out of their control, and they're just trying to give you as much information as possible to aid you in your decision-making process.  What you do with that information is up to you.

lilacck28

iloveotters2014 said:

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PrettyGirlLost said:

lilacck28 said:

I do think blocking out an entire month seems a bit much though. Maybe I'm just not lucky enough to even be able to imagine a MONTH LONG vacation. 

But, yeah, if it's that important to her that your grandpa attends, she needs to ask him if he will be able to come during March. 

If that's the actual length of their pre-booked vacation- the entire month of March- then it is what it is, and the sister has to decide if having her Aunt and Grandpa at the wedding is more important to her than having a wedding in March.

If the situation were different, and the Aunt was only just planning a vacation for sometime in March, and nothing had been booked yet, then I think it would be an overstep for her to ask her neice not to book a wedding in March at all.

That's mostly the thing. It's a vacation-ish. My grandpa spends January through March in florida because he is nearly 90 and doesn't do well in cold climates. Since my grandma passed away last year he doesnt feel comfortable being alone in Florida. So my aunt has offered to stay with him as much as she can to help out. So she will be down that entire month.

Oh also this has now turned into a family arguement on facebook between my aunt and sis for everyone to see. oh joy.

STUCK IN BOX

O.O  ....wow. I am so curious about this! If you want to... I would not be adverse to hearing what they're saying.... 

Anyway, I get your sister's point. I kinda figured that's what the issue was. But she can't be angry at guests for deciding not to come. Your grandfather and aunt will either come or they won't. That's their decision. I don't really see how making the decision to help dad in Florida, and therefore able to help him come to the wedding, is any different for your aunt than going to the wedding some other time though, since it's not a special vacation she's planned for herself. Obviously, it's ultimately up to her. But if your sister can handle them not coming to the wedding, then she should just go with March. 

 Actually, it just clicked. Maybe that's the real issue. She knows that if she's in Florida with your grandpa at the time of the wedding she will be expected by him/ the family to help him get there, whereas maybe she wasn't going to want to attend or deal with the hassle  of helping him with flights in the first place. 

  

lyndausvi

lilacck28 said:

I do think blocking out an entire month seems a bit much though. Maybe I'm just not lucky enough to even be able to imagine a MONTH LONG vacation. 

But, yeah, if it's that important to her that your grandpa attends, she needs to ask him if he will be able to come during March. 

It's not unusual for older retired people to take long vacations.  My dad still works, but took 3.5 weeks off to go to Australia last year.  Their plans were booked in Jan for a Nov trip.  About the same about of time in advance as the aunt's plans.    

You might be surprised how many people have 2nd homes.  Either in warmer climates in the winter months or cabins on lakes or beach for the summer.  Many families take large blocks of time off to visit these places.  

Back to the OP, 

Only the sister can decide if Grandpa's attendance is worth picking a different month.  Or there could be some compromise.   Like picking the  last week of the month so they can cut the last part of the trip instead of having to fly in only a few weeks before they would be coming home anyway.

lilacck28

lyndausvi said:

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lilacck28 said:

I do think blocking out an entire month seems a bit much though. Maybe I'm just not lucky enough to even be able to imagine a MONTH LONG vacation. 

But, yeah, if it's that important to her that your grandpa attends, she needs to ask him if he will be able to come during March. 

It's not unusual for older retired people to take long vacations.  My dad still works, but took 3.5 weeks off to go to Australia last year.  Their plans were booked in Jan for a Nov trip.  About the same about of time in advance as the aunt's plans.    

You might be surprised how many people have 2nd homes.  Either in warmer climates in the winter months or cabins on lakes or beach for the summer.  Many families take large blocks of time off to visit these places.  

Back to the OP, 

Only the sister can decide if Grandpa's attendance is worth picking a different month.  Or there could be some compromise.   Like picking the  last week of the month so they can cut the last part of the trip instead of having to fly in only a few weeks before they would be coming home anyway.

I know that many people have summer homes, etc. but I guess I just saw things like that as different then a set, special vacation? As in, they are living in a different area, but it's not a special vacation that shouldn't be touched.  A month long cruise, or month long trip to Europe (or Australia), or to some resort in the US, that is a rare event just seems more vacationy and untouchable than "in the summer I always to Florida (or X)". That still doesn't mean that person isn't perfectly within their right to choose not to attend, but it seems like a strange request to make of someone when they are picking their wedding date.  

mysticl

I think a lot depends on your circumstances.  We had to work around the Navy so that limited when we could hold the wedding, throw in the availability of venues within those dates and we really couldn't work around other people's schedules too.  

sofakingmad

Keep in mind, that even if she changes her date to accommodate your aunt and grandfather, it's not 100% that they will even be able to make it.  Anything can happen.

We checked with our VIPs (which were basically our parents and siblings) and set a date based on when it was good for them.  Lo and behold, MIL got into a car accident 2 weeks before the wedding and both her and FIL had to cancel.

You can try your best to accommodate as many people as you can, but stuff can still happen that is completely out of your control.

sofakingmad

And to be clear, not all circumstances will be something negative as a car accident, but stuff can happen that will be out of their control.

lyndausvi

lilacck28 said:

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lyndausvi said:

lilacck28 said:

I do think blocking out an entire month seems a bit much though. Maybe I'm just not lucky enough to even be able to imagine a MONTH LONG vacation. 

But, yeah, if it's that important to her that your grandpa attends, she needs to ask him if he will be able to come during March. 

It's not unusual for older retired people to take long vacations.  My dad still works, but took 3.5 weeks off to go to Australia last year.  Their plans were booked in Jan for a Nov trip.  About the same about of time in advance as the aunt's plans.    

You might be surprised how many people have 2nd homes.  Either in warmer climates in the winter months or cabins on lakes or beach for the summer.  Many families take large blocks of time off to visit these places.  

Back to the OP, 

Only the sister can decide if Grandpa's attendance is worth picking a different month.  Or there could be some compromise.   Like picking the  last week of the month so they can cut the last part of the trip instead of having to fly in only a few weeks before they would be coming home anyway.

I know that many people have summer homes, etc. but I guess I just saw things like that as different then a set, special vacation? As in, they are living in a different area, but it's not a special vacation that shouldn't be touched.  A month long cruise, or month long trip to Europe (or Australia), or to some resort in the US, that is a rare event just seems more vacationy and untouchable than "in the summer I always to Florida (or X)". That still doesn't mean that person isn't perfectly within their right to choose not to attend, but it seems like a strange request to make of someone when they are picking their wedding date.  

Meh, travel costs money. Even if you do it every year and it's only FL.  They already have plans. It's not up to anyone to say their plans are not as special as say going  to Austraila.  They might not want to or can afford to take 2 trips in a short amount of time.  I know a lot of people who winter in FL who drive.   Assuming they live in NY, that is a long drive back and forth.

I'm not saying I would plan around that just giving a different perspective.   If I was the sister and I cared about grandpa being there I more than likely would look at end of March or beginning of April. But if those dates didn't work, then I would pick what works for us and let the cards fall where they will.   

lilacck28

lyndausvi said:

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lilacck28 said:

lyndausvi said:

lilacck28 said:

I do think blocking out an entire month seems a bit much though. Maybe I'm just not lucky enough to even be able to imagine a MONTH LONG vacation. 

But, yeah, if it's that important to her that your grandpa attends, she needs to ask him if he will be able to come during March. 

It's not unusual for older retired people to take long vacations.  My dad still works, but took 3.5 weeks off to go to Australia last year.  Their plans were booked in Jan for a Nov trip.  About the same about of time in advance as the aunt's plans.    

You might be surprised how many people have 2nd homes.  Either in warmer climates in the winter months or cabins on lakes or beach for the summer.  Many families take large blocks of time off to visit these places.  

Back to the OP, 

Only the sister can decide if Grandpa's attendance is worth picking a different month.  Or there could be some compromise.   Like picking the  last week of the month so they can cut the last part of the trip instead of having to fly in only a few weeks before they would be coming home anyway.

I know that many people have summer homes, etc. but I guess I just saw things like that as different then a set, special vacation? As in, they are living in a different area, but it's not a special vacation that shouldn't be touched.  A month long cruise, or month long trip to Europe (or Australia), or to some resort in the US, that is a rare event just seems more vacationy and untouchable than "in the summer I always to Florida (or X)". That still doesn't mean that person isn't perfectly within their right to choose not to attend, but it seems like a strange request to make of someone when they are picking their wedding date.  

Meh, travel costs money. Even if you do it every year and it's only FL.  They already have plans. It's not up to anyone to say their plans are not as special as say going  to Austraila.  They might not want to or can afford to take 2 trips in a short amount of time.  I know a lot of people who winter in FL who drive.   Assuming they live in NY, that is a long drive back and forth.

I'm not saying I would plan around that just giving a different perspective.   If I was the sister and I cared about grandpa being there I more than likely would look at end of March or beginning of April. But if those dates didn't work, then I would pick what works for us and let the cards fall where they will.   

STUCK IN BOX

You're right. I wasn't thinking about the aunt going to Florida when I wrote that comment. I was thinking about the people that go every year to where ever. That's not to say that I think they may also not be able to afford to go to a wedding, and of course do not have to attend, but I think it is really dumb to say to someone "no! not that month(s)! That's when I go to my house on the beach every year!"

Teddy917

Sometimes you also just have to say "This is the date." My family didn't like any time in January (no reason, just "not convenient"). They didn't like February, March, etc. Even though they were VIPs, we just said "This is the date. Come or don't." Sounds harsh but sometimes it's reality.

Viczaesar

lilacck28 said:

I do think blocking out an entire month seems a bit much though. Maybe I'm just not lucky enough to even be able to imagine a MONTH LONG vacation. 

But, yeah, if it's that important to her that your grandpa attends, she needs to ask him if he will be able to come during March. 

I'm staying with my parents for most of July; it was originally supposed to be the whole month, but I'm going back home for the week I'm on call barring any emergencies.  It's not really a vacation, though; I'm here because my dad's health is deteriorating and mom is having trouble taking care of him (though he's doing a bit better than he was 2 weeks ago when we made the plans).  I can do this because I'm a graduate student and dissertating, and the class I'm teaching over the summer doesn't start until August.  On the downside that means that I have no income this month and probably won't get much work done on my dissertation or other projects. 

lilacck28

Viczaesar said:

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lilacck28 said:

I do think blocking out an entire month seems a bit much though. Maybe I'm just not lucky enough to even be able to imagine a MONTH LONG vacation. 

But, yeah, if it's that important to her that your grandpa attends, she needs to ask him if he will be able to come during March. 

I'm staying with my parents for most of July; it was originally supposed to be the whole month, but I'm going back home for the week I'm on call barring any emergencies.  It's not really a vacation, though; I'm here because my dad's health is deteriorating and mom is having trouble taking care of him (though he's doing a bit better than he was 2 weeks ago when we made the plans).  I can do this because I'm a graduate student and dissertating, and the class I'm teaching over the summer doesn't start until August.  On the downside that means that I have no income this month and probably won't get much work done on my dissertation or other projects. 

Yes, but would you say to someone, without being asked "NO! Don't get married during that month! I'm going to be with my parents!" 

I doubt it. 

And I think it's very nice that you are helping your dad out, just like I think it is very nice that the aunt from the original post is going to Florida to help her dad out. I do think there is a very big difference between 1. Going some place every year to vacation  2. going on a special, not repeated vacation vs 3. going someplace for a longish stay to help someone in need. 

And I think, regardless of which category you fall into in the above mentioned 3 cases,  there is also a very big difference between telling someone who asks you "if I do my wedding during this time, will you be able to come?" that "no, I am going to be in blank during that month so I may not be able to come" vs. telling someone who did NOT ask "No! Don't get married on this day or during this month because I'm busy and have plans!!!" 

Viczaesar

lilacck28 said:

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Viczaesar said:

lilacck28 said:

I do think blocking out an entire month seems a bit much though. Maybe I'm just not lucky enough to even be able to imagine a MONTH LONG vacation. 

But, yeah, if it's that important to her that your grandpa attends, she needs to ask him if he will be able to come during March. 

I'm staying with my parents for most of July; it was originally supposed to be the whole month, but I'm going back home for the week I'm on call barring any emergencies.  It's not really a vacation, though; I'm here because my dad's health is deteriorating and mom is having trouble taking care of him (though he's doing a bit better than he was 2 weeks ago when we made the plans).  I can do this because I'm a graduate student and dissertating, and the class I'm teaching over the summer doesn't start until August.  On the downside that means that I have no income this month and probably won't get much work done on my dissertation or other projects. 

Yes, but would you say to someone, without being asked "NO! Don't get married during that month! I'm going to be with my parents!" 

I doubt it. 

And I think it's very nice that you are helping your dad out, just like I think it is very nice that the aunt from the original post is going to Florida to help her dad out. I do think there is a very big difference between 1. Going some place every year to vacation  2. going on a special, not repeated vacation vs 3. going someplace for a longish stay to help someone in need. 

And I think, regardless of which category you fall into in the above mentioned 3 cases,  there is also a very big difference between telling someone who asks you "if I do my wedding during this time, will you be able to come?" that "no, I am going to be in blank during that month so I may not be able to come" vs. telling someone who did NOT ask "No! Don't get married on this day or during this month because I'm busy and have plans!!!" 

My niece or nephew?  Definitely might.  Anybody else, probably not.  That's irrelevant though; I'm pointing out that staying with a family member for a month doesn't necessarily mean that you're going on a "MONTH LONG vacation."  I didn't say anything else about this situation, actually, as that's not what I was commenting on. 

lilacck28

@viczaesar Fair point. I was turned off by the unsolicited "no, don't get married during this month" comment made by the aunt, regardless of situation. I think it is fair to say that you may not be able to come, but unfair to tell someone not to hold their wedding at a certain time when they have not be asked. But you are right, there are many reasons to be with family for a long time that do not include a vacation.

MandyMost

In an ideal situation, when you ask your VIPs if there is any time that they wouldn't be able to make it to your wedding in X location in the next year the response should only be things like "I can't do the first weekend in October because it's my brother's wedding!", or "I already paid for a trip to Africa for the 2nd and 3rd week in November, but other than that I'll do my best to make it". They shouldn't be listing things like "Well, I'm usually pretty busy in July" or "I hate to travel in the winter, so don't do December-March".

If you ask and you get the latter, you're just going to have to pick a date and tell them when it is, and hope for the best. You'll never find a day that's perfect for everyone, so you just do your best. 

iloveotters2014

I think the trickiest part is basically my aunt posted on my sister's facebook that my grandpa would not want his January-April routine disrupted and coming back for one weekend would not be doable.

At that point I'm starting to side more with my sis. You can try to accommodate people as best as you can....BUT blocking out 4 months out of the year and saying there are no other options is tough. Honestly though it could all be a mute point if she can't get a wedding date for the time she is looking. It's less than a year out, I bet the pickings are pretty slim.

holyguacamole79

This is exactly why you keep as much wedding related stuff off Facebook as possible.

iloveotters2014

sarahbear31 said:

This is exactly why you keep as much wedding related stuff off Facebook as possible.

Agree. Especially in the beginning.