• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Etiquette

Small ceremony, big party, register?

I am having a very intimate wedding (parents, grandparents, siblings) and 2 weeks later, we are throwing a big party.  Not necessarily a reception (we won't be doing the traditional reception things such as dances, bouquet toss, etc.)  We are doing the party because we both have VERY large families that would like to get together and celebrate with us because they love us.  Both families completely understand not being invited to the ceremony, and I don't think anyone is offended.  I am not allowing any pre-wedding parties because I do not feel like it is right to invite people to a gift-giving shower if they are not coming to the wedding.  
I had made up my mind that I was not going to register because I didn't want people to think I was asking for gifts, since the ceremony is private.  However, I have had a couple of people tell me that many will still want to get us gifts and I should do a small registry.  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I am concerned that people will think I am expecting gifts, which I am not, considering the type of wedding I am having.  What do you guys think?  Registry or no?

Re: Small ceremony, big party, register?

  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I am having a very intimate wedding (parents, grandparents, siblings) and 2 weeks later, we are throwing a big party.  Not necessarily a reception (we won't be doing the traditional reception things such as dances, bouquet toss, etc.)  We are doing the party because we both have VERY large families that would like to get together and celebrate with us because they love us.  Both families completely understand not being invited to the ceremony, and I don't think anyone is offended.  I am not allowing any pre-wedding parties because I do not feel like it is right to invite people to a gift-giving shower if they are not coming to the wedding.  
    I had made up my mind that I was not going to register because I didn't want people to think I was asking for gifts, since the ceremony is private.  However, I have had a couple of people tell me that many will still want to get us gifts and I should do a small registry.  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I am concerned that people will think I am expecting gifts, which I am not, considering the type of wedding I am having.  What do you guys think?  Registry or no?

    SIB

    Trust your instincts and don't register. If someone still wants to get you a gift, they are more than welcome to. Treat this like any other party, if attendees would like to get you a hostess gift, they can pick one out that they think you will like. 

    It sounds like you have a fun wedding and party planned. It is refreshing to hear about someone on here who is doing this properly (no pre-wedding parties, no wedding redo, etc!).
    PrettyGirlLostOliveOilsMomperdonamiMegalega14
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I am having a very intimate wedding (parents, grandparents, siblings) and 2 weeks later, we are throwing a big party.  Not necessarily a reception (we won't be doing the traditional reception things such as dances, bouquet toss, etc.)  We are doing the party because we both have VERY large families that would like to get together and celebrate with us because they love us.  Both families completely understand not being invited to the ceremony, and I don't think anyone is offended.  I am not allowing any pre-wedding parties because I do not feel like it is right to invite people to a gift-giving shower if they are not coming to the wedding.  
    I had made up my mind that I was not going to register because I didn't want people to think I was asking for gifts, since the ceremony is private.  However, I have had a couple of people tell me that many will still want to get us gifts and I should do a small registry.  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I am concerned that people will think I am expecting gifts, which I am not, considering the type of wedding I am having.  What do you guys think?  Registry or no?

    SIB

    Trust your instincts and don't register. If someone still wants to get you a gift, they are more than welcome to. Treat this like any other party, if attendees would like to get you a hostess gift, they can pick one out that they think you will like. 

    It sounds like you have a fun wedding and party planned. It is refreshing to hear about someone on here who is doing this properly (no pre-wedding parties, no wedding redo, etc!).
    Agree with Lisa, a registry would be inapproriate.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    edited June 2014
    I would not register since you are not doing any pre-wedding parties. If someone would like to give you a gift you could say, "That is so sweet of you. I'm sure anything you get would be wonderful!"

    perdonami
  • beetherybeethery So sayeth the fuckin' Pope. member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    I'd skip the registry. If anyone gives you a gift, that is fabulous! Be gracious, send a thank you note. But if you're not doing pre-wedding parties and having a marriage celebration party later, a registry is inappropriate.
    --

    I'm the fuck out.

    image
    PrettyGirlLostperdonami
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited June 2014
    Why would it be wrong to have a registry prepared, but NOT advertise it to anyone or put it on any website, and only giving the information if someone specifically asks for it, be wrong? Isn't a registry just a wish list that no one will know about unless you tell them or they seek it out? 
    MandyMostshauniewalker
  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    lilacck28 said:
    Why would it be wrong to have a registry prepared, but NOT advertise it to anyone or put it on any website, and only giving the information if someone specifically asks for it, be wrong? Isn't a registry just a wish list that no one will know about unless you tell them or they seek it out? 
    I don't think it is necessarily wrong to register. I just don't see the point of registering if there aren't any parties and if she doesn't want gifts.

  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited June 2014
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    lilacck28 said:
    Why would it be wrong to have a registry prepared, but NOT advertise it to anyone or put it on any website, and only giving the information if someone specifically asks for it, be wrong? Isn't a registry just a wish list that no one will know about unless you tell them or they seek it out? 
    I see it similar to registering for a housewarming or a birthday party, which just seems inappropriate. It implies that they actually want gifts. If I was going to a party like this, I might google their names to see if they have one in order to determine if they are doing the "no gifts, but really yes, gifts" move or the genuine "your presence is our present". 
    PrettyGirlLost
  • lilacck28 said:
    Why would it be wrong to have a registry prepared, but NOT advertise it to anyone or put it on any website, and only giving the information if someone specifically asks for it, be wrong? Isn't a registry just a wish list that no one will know about unless you tell them or they seek it out? 
    I see it similar to registering for a housewarming or a birthday party, which just seems inappropriate. It implies that they actually want gifts. If I was going to a party like this, I might google their names to see if they have one in order to determine if they are doing the "no gifts, but really yes, gifts" move or the genuine "your presence is our present". 
    Side note- is there a way to "hide" a registry the way you can hide a website? Because then the googling issue wouldn't happen, and it would just be a list for the person who comes up to you and says "I'd really like some help picking out a gift I want to get you!"
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    lilacck28 said:
    lilacck28 said:
    Why would it be wrong to have a registry prepared, but NOT advertise it to anyone or put it on any website, and only giving the information if someone specifically asks for it, be wrong? Isn't a registry just a wish list that no one will know about unless you tell them or they seek it out? 
    I see it similar to registering for a housewarming or a birthday party, which just seems inappropriate. It implies that they actually want gifts. If I was going to a party like this, I might google their names to see if they have one in order to determine if they are doing the "no gifts, but really yes, gifts" move or the genuine "your presence is our present". 
    Side note- is there a way to "hide" a registry the way you can hide a website? Because then the googling issue wouldn't happen, and it would just be a list for the person who comes up to you and says "I'd really like some help picking out a gift I want to get you!"
    My suggestion would be to not create a registry and if someone asks what gift you'd like, to tell ppl via word of mouth a few items you are in need of.

    But I don't even like that option because it still seems kinda gauche.  I think it/s best in this situation to say as @emmaaa said:
    emmaaa said:
    I would not register since you are not doing any pre-wedding parties. If someone would like to give you a gift you could say, "That is so sweet of you. I'm sure anything you get would be wonderful!"


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    LondonLisaperdonami
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I am having a very intimate wedding (parents, grandparents, siblings) and 2 weeks later, we are throwing a big party.  Not necessarily a reception (we won't be doing the traditional reception things such as dances, bouquet toss, etc.)  We are doing the party because we both have VERY large families that would like to get together and celebrate with us because they love us.  Both families completely understand not being invited to the ceremony, and I don't think anyone is offended.  I am not allowing any pre-wedding parties because I do not feel like it is right to invite people to a gift-giving shower if they are not coming to the wedding.  
    I had made up my mind that I was not going to register because I didn't want people to think I was asking for gifts, since the ceremony is private.  However, I have had a couple of people tell me that many will still want to get us gifts and I should do a small registry.  I'm not sure how I feel about it.  I am concerned that people will think I am expecting gifts, which I am not, considering the type of wedding I am having.  What do you guys think?  Registry or no?
    This doesn't require you to do even a small registry.  In fact, I think that since you are doing a small wedding and inviting so few people, a registry would look gift-grabby.  That's me though.
  • edited June 2014
  • edited June 2014
    scribe95 said:
    I would not register. Just out of curiosity, if you want to get together and celebrate with your friends and family then why not just invite them to the wedding? Isn't planning two separate events more of a pain than one? 
    I actually thought about that one myself.  But, the type of party that I am planning is MUCH less extravagant than a full blown wedding would be.  See, my family throws big parties all the time (graduations, birthdays, pretty much ANYTHING) so we have everything we need and it's very easy to do a big casual party.  However, if we were to do a wedding, it would be so much more work and more expensive because it would require all of the wedding "to-do's", decorations, etc. Also, I am a very low-key, casual type of girl.  I don't feel comfortable walking around in a wedding dress with all eyes on me.  I like the idea of doing a back yard barbecue type thing, it makes me more comfortable.   

    Someone also suggested doing what lilacck28 suggested.  Doing a registry, just not advertising it.  It would basically just be there by word of mouth and only to the people that are closer to us.  

    Thanks for the advice everyone!  This has just confirmed my gut feelings that I have been trying to explain to the people around me!
    emmaaa
  • scribe95 said:
    To me a registry is for the wedding guests. And she is only inviting a few people. I think putting up a registry for people I didn't invite to the wedding to buy me gifts is pretty selfish and tacky.
    SIB: I agree!
    PrettyGirlLost
  • scribe95 said:
    I would not register. Just out of curiosity, if you want to get together and celebrate with your friends and family then why not just invite them to the wedding? Isn't planning two separate events more of a pain than one? 
    I actually thought about that one myself.  But, the type of party that I am planning is MUCH less extravagant than a full blown wedding would be.  See, my family throws big parties all the time (graduations, birthdays, pretty much ANYTHING) so we have everything we need and it's very easy to do a big casual party.  However, if we were to do a wedding, it would be so much more work and more expensive because it would require all of the wedding "to-do's", decorations, etc. Also, I am a very low-key, casual type of girl.  I don't feel comfortable walking around in a wedding dress with all eyes on me.  I like the idea of doing a back yard barbecue type thing, it makes me more comfortable.   

    Someone also suggested doing what lilacck28 suggested.  Doing a registry, just not advertising it.  It would basically just be there by word of mouth and only to the people that are closer to us.  

    Thanks for the advice everyone!  This has just confirmed my gut feelings that I have been trying to explain to the people around me!
    Just for the record, though, weddings need not be any more expensive or formal than a backyard BBQ. All that matters is that you host food and drinks appropriate to the time of day (meal time vs. non-meal time) and have seating for all your guests. It is fine if you truly want a small ceremony and larger party, but don't fall into the trap of thinking that weddings must be formal. You can host a backyard BBQ wedding reception for what it would cost you to host any other backyard BBQ- just no potluck!
    Wheaton's Law: Don't be a dick.
    lilacck28scb2471
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards