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My mother might not come to my wedding. Maybe. Help?

So, I have a problem. I'm marrying the love of my life, and I'm as excited as ever. However, it has been a really tough year with him and my parents. Some background info: They do not like him. At all. Wedding talk was brought up once, and my mom clearly stated that she did not want to be apart of it. But, that was before I got a ring, set a timeline, etc. The reason why they don't like him is because my mom is convinced I'm going to marry a rich lawyer or doctor, and I'm wasting my time with my FI, who is just a "regular guy". She's been divorced, she's re-married but unhappy, and she doesn't believe in marrying for love over money. My step-dad goes with it because my mom is one of those people who makes people pick sides. I will be graduating with my undergraduate degree in May 2015, then going on to law school in the following August, so my mother basically thinks that I am too good for my FI and I should be with someone that has a lot of money and prestige associated with their name/family. Personally, I don't think I could have made it to graduation without my FI. I have moderate OCD, and my FI has been nothing but accommodating of it. He never has a problem when I freak out because something is out of place/wrong, or if my anxiety levels get too high. He loves me regardless. Our first year was rough, and I felt like my parents abandoned me. They never called, they never wanted to come visit, and my mother hates our puppy so much that she won't even let her in her house when we try to visit. (We got the puppy about 8 months into living together, and she's a healthy mini dachshund, so no excuses besides the fact that my mom is against every decision me and my FI make together). About the wedding situation: My mother has never seen my ring. We barely talk; I think at this point we're estranged. Facebook knows more about my life right now than she does, basically. My sister, my MOH, is being incredibly insensitive. Every time I bring up "talking to mom about the wedding", she says something like "Oh man that is gonna be terrible". Great. Also, she's not being helpful with the wedding planning because she's 1. sixteen and self-centered as it gets, and 2. playing both sides of this; siding with my mom to my mom's face, and siding with me to mine. So I probably didn't pick the best MOH and I accept that. Luckily, my FI's sister and my bestfriend are super helpful and excited. I have this irrational fear of talking to my estranged mother about my wedding. Mostly compounded by the fact that my 'MOH' sister is hyping it up to be something that would make her act crazy. And disown me. Which I know is ridiculous. But, it doesn't feel ridiculous when you've been trying to plan a wedding and haven't even told your mother yet. But basically, I just need some advice about how to handle this from someone who has gone through it. It took me a month to start planning my wedding after I got engaged because I was so depressed that my mother did not want to be apart of it. I'm at the point now where I'm planning it, and I'm genuinely excited, but it's just so hard to picture an actual wedding without my mom. I don't want my mom to miss out on the most important day of my life, but I feel like I need to prepare myself to accept that it might happen. I don't know if it's a good idea to try to write them out of the wedding planning process/wedding, or if I should fight to have them there. I haven't talked to her about this yet because I'm afraid that she won't want to be apart of it. Any advice?

Re: My mother might not come to my wedding. Maybe. Help?

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited July 2014
    I've never actually been through it, but my mother is very controlling and manipulative, and goes behind my back when my own events come up, and each time she seemed to care more about entertaining other people than me.  And she gets very, very snarky and critical if she doesn't like anything I want to do and runs her mouth whenever she feels like it and doesn't give a shit how hurtful her comments are, and it feels not like a smack across the face but a right cross followed by a left hook followed by an uppercut.  So I don't want to involve her in planning anything at all for me, wedding or no.

    I would suggest just inviting your mother but not including her in the planning process.  She may still decline, but if you know it might happen and are prepared for it in advance, while you can't eliminate all of the pain, you can perhaps deaden some of it.

    Is there anyone in your life who is "like a mother" to you, who you can confide in and who can perhaps give you helpful advice and otherwise "be there" for you?  If so, you can try to find out if that person can be a sort of mother figure for you.
    AddieCake
  • IrishPirate60IrishPirate60 Clare Island member
    Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    You and your fiance are responsible for planning your wedding. Your sister/MOH is not. Let her be 16. Don't make her choose sides. She just has to show up and stand with you. Everything else isn't on her.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited July 2014
    So, I have a problem. I'm marrying the love of my life, and I'm as excited as ever. However, it has been a really tough year with him and my parents. Some background info: They do not like him. At all. Wedding talk was brought up once, and my mom clearly stated that she did not want to be apart of it. But, that was before I got a ring, set a timeline, etc. The reason why they don't like him is because my mom is convinced I'm going to marry a rich lawyer or doctor, and I'm wasting my time with my FI, who is just a "regular guy". She's been divorced, she's re-married but unhappy, and she doesn't believe in marrying for love over money. My step-dad goes with it because my mom is one of those people who makes people pick sides. I will be graduating with my undergraduate degree in May 2015, then going on to law school in the following August, so my mother basically thinks that I am too good for my FI and I should be with someone that has a lot of money and prestige associated with their name/family. Personally, I don't think I could have made it to graduation without my FI. I have moderate OCD, and my FI has been nothing but accommodating of it. He never has a problem when I freak out because something is out of place/wrong, or if my anxiety levels get too high. He loves me regardless. Our first year was rough, and I felt like my parents abandoned me. They never called, they never wanted to come visit, and my mother hates our puppy so much that she won't even let her in her house when we try to visit. (We got the puppy about 8 months into living together, and she's a healthy mini dachshund, so no excuses besides the fact that my mom is against every decision me and my FI make together). About the wedding situation: My mother has never seen my ring. We barely talk; I think at this point we're estranged. Facebook knows more about my life right now than she does, basically. My sister, my MOH, is being incredibly insensitive. Every time I bring up "talking to mom about the wedding", she says something like "Oh man that is gonna be terrible". Great. Also, she's not being helpful with the wedding planning because she's 1. sixteen and self-centered as it gets, and 2. playing both sides of this; siding with my mom to my mom's face, and siding with me to mine. So I probably didn't pick the best MOH and I accept that. Luckily, my FI's sister and my bestfriend are super helpful and excited. I have this irrational fear of talking to my estranged mother about my wedding. Mostly compounded by the fact that my 'MOH' sister is hyping it up to be something that would make her act crazy. And disown me. Which I know is ridiculous. But, it doesn't feel ridiculous when you've been trying to plan a wedding and haven't even told your mother yet. But basically, I just need some advice about how to handle this from someone who has gone through it. It took me a month to start planning my wedding after I got engaged because I was so depressed that my mother did not want to be apart of it. I'm at the point now where I'm planning it, and I'm genuinely excited, but it's just so hard to picture an actual wedding without my mom. I don't want my mom to miss out on the most important day of my life, but I feel like I need to prepare myself to accept that it might happen. I don't know if it's a good idea to try to write them out of the wedding planning process/wedding, or if I should fight to have them there. I haven't talked to her about this yet because I'm afraid that she won't want to be apart of it. Any advice?
    First, it could be wonky TK, but paragraphs are your friend. Second, you have known how your mother feels about your FI for a long time now. You having a ring on your finger is not going to change her opinion of your FI. So you shouldn't be surprised that she is acting the way she is. Plan your wedding without any input from your mother and send her the invitation when the time comes. Also, consider speaking with a counselor (should be free at your college) to find ways to deal with your mother. Remember that you cannot change the way your mother acts, but you can change the way your react to her. Third, your MOH is 16, she cannot possibly understand all of the turmoil you feel about your relationship with your mother. And of course, she is going to play both sides to you and your mom. Do you think she wants to be put in the middle of your disagreements? Remember that she has to still live with your mom. I would not discuss any problems with your mom any further with your sister, or you will continue to be disappointed. Also, lower your expectations of what your MOH should be doing for you. All she needs to do is buy the dress and show up at the wedding, ready to smile for pictures.
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    See, wonky TK!  Because I put paragarphs in my response!
  • KaurisKauris member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I'm very sorry for the bad behavior of your mother. It is unfortunate that just because we love someone our families don't always follow suit. 

    Are you close with FMIL? Maybe she can provide some of the motherly love and approval you need. Do you have an aunt you are close with? 

    The good news is that you have found someone who loves and supports you and he is set to become your family! Congratulations on that!

  • You know what you don't do with somebody you know doesn't like dogs? You don't take the dog with you when you go to visit them and then hold it against them when they don't want the dog in their house.

    OliveOilsMomtigersgirlgv
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2014
    zitiqueen said:
    You know what you don't do with somebody you know doesn't like dogs? You don't take the dog with you when you go to visit them and then hold it against them when they don't want the dog in their house.
    THIS. 

    I do like dogs. But I still don't really want them coming over to my house when I have invited a human, not a dog. If I wanted the dog to come too, I would tell you. 

    My aunt owned a dog that bit EVERYONE. An adorable little white fluffy one. She bit me, my brother, my grandma. Everyone. That was the topic of discussion at my grandfather's funeral. And we had to tell my aunt specifically "do not bring the dog", because if we didn't, she would bring her. Evil Cujo. 
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary First Answer
    edited July 2014
    Also, is it possible that your mother is not a fan of your fiance not because he is a "regular guy" but because you're getting married before graduating college? And you seem to think you'll be going to law school before you've even started your senior year, so maybe your mom is worried that getting married could add to the derailment of these plans besides the fact that... life happens and decisions change? and admissions decisions are not up to you?  

    I know that young marriages can work. I do. But I probably wouldn't want my future children to get married that young either. So maybe cut her some slack, and talk to her about it. If she sees that you have thought these things through and aren't just all "ladida I'm getting married! It's all going to work out no matter what!" maybe she'll be a bit more understanding and kind when it comes to your relationship. And perhaps if you also tell her how much she means to you, and that you would like her to be at your wedding if not involved, instead of kind of hiding it from her (she's probably hearing weird second hand information from your sister) , she will get involved. I wouldn't appreciate having something like that basically hidden from me. It would make that person seem very immature, which would increase my fears about her decision making. Talk to your mom. Be honest. 

    And if you do all that, and If it really is the "regular guy" thing, and your mom will not communicate further with you without throwing a hissy fit, and you do not feel that she has any valid points (and she presumably knows you well, and cares about you deeply, so try not to be defensive and really think about what she says to you), then you wash your hands of her. You can send her an invitation, but do not engage her further. 
  • I appreciate all you ladies advice! It has truly helped me.

    @zitiqueen - my mother LOVES dogs. She has 6 of them. I've helped her breed dogs since I was a small child. I should have specified, lol! 

    Ultimately, I have decided to just invite her and move on- I need to do what's best for me and also my relationship. I am so happy with the decisions I've made, and although my mother will probably not be in attendance at the wedding, I'm alright with that. I've been out of my mother's house for two years, and since, I've been a much, much happier person overall.
    Thanks everyone!
  • @lilacck28 - I'm currently a senior, I'm graduating college THIS may, and I will be getting married in August, AFTER I get my bachelors degree :) THEN I'll be attending Law school, I'll be admitted before I'm even married. :)
  • No, I understood that you were a rising senior. But there are still two full semesters left before you graduate (and at least my senior year was brutal! theses! I hope yours isn't as difficult).  By "getting married before you graduate" I really meant, planning your wedding while you are in school, and getting married right after you graduate. 

    Anyway, good luck with everything. 
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