Yesterday was an "open mouth, insert foot" for me...

KytchynWitche

Background: About 6 weeks, maybe 2 months ago, FI and I decided that we weren't going to have the Catholic ceremony that FMIL was pushing for us to have, because it wouldn't be true to us. I want our vows to have meaning, not just be words that we're saying because they make our families happy. When we made the decision, FI said he would talk to FMIL and let her know that we weren't going through with the Catholic ceremony, but that we were still inviting the priest (FI's uncle, FFIL's brother). His family, his talk.

FSIL lives roughly 700km (about a 9 hour drive) away, so we don't get to see her much. She's on holiday for the week though, so yesterday she and FMIL drove through here, toured the flat, picked me up, and we met FI and FFIL for lunch near their work, so that FI and I would get a chance to see her before she leaves again.

Anyway, while we were waiting for FI and FFIL to get to the restaurant, we were talking about wedding planning (FSIL is also engaged and in the early planning stages). They were talking about the ceremony, and she was saying that her FI (who we think is probably Anglican, but is definitely not Catholic) said they couldn't have a Catholic ceremony because she hadn't been confirmed. I told her he was wrong, they could have a Catholic ceremony as long as she has her baptismal certificate, they just can't have a nuptial mass which I'm fairly certain they wouldn't have wanted anyway. This is according to the booklet that FI and I were given by the priest/Uncle.

Then FMIL started pressing me as to why we haven't taken FI's baptismal certificate to the priest yet and why haven't we been on Engaged Encounter yet, seeing as our wedding is less than 4 months away, and FSIL hasn't even set a date yet. Without thinking, I responded "because we're not having a Catholic ceremony." And then it hit me. FI hadn't spoken to FMIL about it at all. Yay awkwardness! Thankfully he and FFIL arrived right then, so I was spared any further interrogation while FI and FSIL caught up.

Honestly, FMIL should not be surprised by this decision. We have already discussed my religious affiliation (or lack thereof) when she was pushing us to book the Methodist church for our ceremony (there are no Catholic churches in our town, everyone just uses the Methodist church). I told her then that I wasn't comfortable marrying in a religious setting, that it would be hypocritical and just plain wrong. I'm not sure how/why she thought I would go for a religious ceremony when I'd already said no to the church... Then again, FI may have said something (or NOT said something) that made her think otherwise. Honestly, the communication in this family sucks big blue hairy donkey balls.

After lunch, I got my hair cut, which made me feel a little bit better (aside from the part where the stylist told me I'm losing my hair!). But I do still feel really crummy that FMIL's unhappy. Although I also have to say that she drives me nuts. 

I had my first fitting for my dress on Saturday. My mom was supposed to come down for a visit, but she's been sick and didn't have any leave left, so FMIL went with me instead (because FI didn't want to). The designer wanted to know if I wanted another layer on my skirt, and whether I wanted more green or more ivory. I was leaning towards just one more layer of ivory, but I wasn't sure (I have major trouble with small decisions, which is why my mom was supposed to be there) so I asked FMIL and she said "It's your dress, just do whatever's going to make you happy". Helpful, no? No! And this after offering unsolicited opinions on EVERYTHING from before FI and I were even engaged. Really, the one time I ask for your opinion, you don't have one?

/rant

Anyway, I wish I had known that FI hadn't spoken to FMIL. I wish I had handled the whole situation better (I get very loud, though thankfully not aggressive, when cornered). But I guess all I can really do now is let it go. What's done is done, right?

So... Um, has your Special Forever Friend put you in any awkward positions lately?

ETA: Sorry for weird format. TK has apparently decided that every paragraph should be in a different font.

SBmini

I feel for you- I had similar awkwardness with families and ceremony choice. Thankfully my husband's family totally understood why we didn't want an Eastern Orthodox wedding, which is basically like a Catholic mass but in an old dialect of Armenian that NO ONE understands. My family, though. I was really concerned that my dad would say something about our ceremony because he had the audacity to criticism my cousin's beautiful memorial for not mentioning God. My cousin was a scientist who did yoga on a surf board, she wouldn't have wanted God mentioned in her memorial. And it disgusted me that my dad would judge her religious beliefs after he death.

But thankfully- he didn't say a word. He actually told me that the ceremony was beautiful and I don't even think he noticed that we didn't have a single bible verse or mention that we were present in the eyes of God or anything like that. We found a wonderful officiant, and were true to ourselves, and the beauty of the words trumped any forced inclusions of a God we chose not to believe in.

So just stick with it! It will be worth it in the end.

slothiegal

Aw, you're absolutely right--it happened, it's over, now all you can do is push forward.

Momma and Poppa Sloth had to take a couple days to themselves after I broke it to them that we weren't having a Catholic ceremony.  Instead of having my usual "remember how much I resisted being raised in this environment and the fundamental differences in our beliefs" rant, I took a much calmer "do you think it's really respectful to the church for me to participate in this ceremony there when I nor FI practice at an establishment, etc." route.  They were disappointed, but I think it was a little bit easier.  

Good luck!  I have chronic foot in mouth syndrome.  I keep hoping I'll grow out of it.

RebeccaFlower

Eeek. When was your FI supposed to talk to them? If he dragged his feet, I'd probably be annoyed he hadn't yet. In any case, I'm glad it's out in the open now and you can move forward. 

KytchynWitche

@RebeccaFlowerWe didn't set a specific date for him to talk to them, but we saw FMIL at least 3 times between making the decision and the lunch on Tuesday. I probably should have pressed him as to whether he'd done it or not, but at the same time, he is an adult, he should be capable of remembering tasks on his own.

slothiegal said:

Aw, you're absolutely right--it happened, it's over, now all you can do is push forward.

Momma and Poppa Sloth had to take a couple days to themselves after I broke it to them that we weren't having a Catholic ceremony.  Instead of having my usual "remember how much I resisted being raised in this environment and the fundamental differences in our beliefs" rant, I took a much calmer "do you think it's really respectful to the church for me to participate in this ceremony there when I nor FI practice at an establishment, etc." route.  They were disappointed, but I think it was a little bit easier.  

Good luck!  I have chronic foot in mouth syndrome.  I keep hoping I'll grow out of it.

This is exactly what I had planned to say if/when she asked, but I got thrown completely and ended up sounding much more ranty than I wanted to. The weird thing for me is that FMIL is not Catholic (she's not even a practising Christian), FFIL is (or was raised anyway, also not practising) but she's pushing for FI and FSIL both to have Catholic ceremonies because FFIL's brother is a priest. And FFIL's brother wasn't upset or offended when we told him we wouldn't be going through with the religious ceremony which we told everyone upfront that we didn't want.

@SBmini I'm really glad to hear it worked out for you! I hope it does for us too!