Registry and Gift Forum

Is this rude?

So my wedding is in November and a lot of my family is asking if we're going to have a registry. My fiancee keeps telling me he'd rather get cash as a gift because he thinks it would be better to have the cash in hand and buy things ourselves. I keep telling him how a registry works (that we can choose what people can buy for us) but he insists on the cash. I don't know what to do because my family keeps telling me to set up a registry and my fiancee doesn't want one! I know I'm the bride-to-be but I feel overwhelmed and this is one of the things I just can't figure out. Can someone please tell me if just asking for money isn't too rude?

Re: Is this rude?

  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Asking for money is rude, yes. Either don't set up a registry, or create just a small one and people will get the hint that you want cash.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • chibiyuichibiyui The Boring Part of MD member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    So my wedding is in November and a lot of my family is asking if we're going to have a registry. My fiancee keeps telling me he'd rather get cash as a gift because he thinks it would be better to have the cash in hand and buy things ourselves. I keep telling him how a registry works (that we can choose what people can buy for us) but he insists on the cash. I don't know what to do because my family keeps telling me to set up a registry and my fiancee doesn't want one! I know I'm the bride-to-be but I feel overwhelmed and this is one of the things I just can't figure out. Can someone please tell me if just asking for money isn't too rude?
    Flat out asking for money is rude. 

    You can either not register, or create a very small registry, and let people know you are saving up for something. 

    If you decide to not register, you should decline any showers you are offered, because those are for physical gifts. 
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  • You should at least do a small registry because some people flat out refuse to give cash.  Then at least you will get things you want from those people.  Plus if you want to have a shower (if someone throws you one) you will need a registry.  We had a small registry where most of our shower gifts came from and about 10% of our wedding gifts (the registries were almost fully bought by the time of our wedding).  We got 90% cash for wedding gifts.
  • I think this is a great time to practice compromise. 

    Perhaps explain to him that you don't *have* to register for "traditional stuff" like china and crystal; I know that FI thought that if we did register, it would be for that stuff.. not stuff that we actually needed/ would have really like to upgrade (matching dishes, more than 6 forks, etc.).
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  • ahkeltekeahkelteke member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited July 2014
    I think it completely depends on your family. There are some families that would be absolutely gobsmacked that you ask for cash, others would care less. There are certain cultures that see it as an absolute must to collect cash from their guests. They'll actually have someone traveling around the wedding reception to take collections!

    Have you thought about a compromise? Set up a small registry for typical items, and then set up another for money. That would allow those more traditional guests to send you toasters, and those more open-minded to hand over a check There are a variety of different website that allow wedding guests to donate money. You can set it up as a down payment for a house, a honeymoon fund, or just an open fund. Best of luck!
  • Wegl13Wegl13 member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Register at Home Depot... My fiancé would see this as the ultimate in awesome so it would be a great compromise.
  • JCbride2015JCbride2015 Dirty Jerz member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    ahkelteke said:
    I think it completely depends on your family. There are some families that would be absolutely gobsmacked that you ask for cash, others would care less. There are certain cultures that see it as an absolute must to collect cash from their guests. They'll actually have someone traveling around the wedding reception to take collections!

    Have you thought about a compromise? Set up a small registry for typical items, and then set up another for money. That would allow those more traditional guests to send you toasters, and those more open-minded to hand over a check There are a variety of different website that allow wedding guests to donate money. You can set it up as a down payment for a house, a honeymoon fund, or just an open fund. Best of luck!
    This is awful advice.  No matter who your family and friends are, there's pretty much guaranteed to be somebody who will be offended by this.  And they won't tell you because they are too nice.

    If you really want cash, just don't register and if anyone asks, say, "We don't really need much but we are saving up for a down payment."  Everybody knows cash is a good gift, you don't need to register for it.
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    "I'm not a rude bitch.  I'm ten rude bitches in a large coat."

  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    We did not register - anywhere. Everyone knows cash is always appropriate, appreciated and often preferred - literally everyone on earth knows this. =o) 

    Some people will want to get you a physical gift - these are not the people who use honeymoon (HM) registries. The people who use HM registries are people who would give you a check, but instead think that you will receive the FULL amount they gift you. You you will ACTUALLY receive that massage, not a credit on your bill and if you decide you can get the massage or take the excursion. 

    But I have good news :) 
    For our wedding the gifts broke down like this: 75% cash or check, 20% gift cards and 5% physical gifts. 
    If you want money or don't need anything don't register. This is the best way to politely suggest folks give you money. I'm telling you from experience ;-) 
    There is nothing wrong with saying, when asked where you are registered, we are saving up for ___fill_in_the_blank___ (the honeymoon or house or big screen TV or whatever it is you'd like to purchase). GL!
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Registering is not required and not registering at all is not rude, but asking for cash is.
  • LlikotdesserdLlikotdesserd member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited July 2014
    Many registries allow you to check a little box "Would you like to accept gift cards to *insert store name here*. It appears in small letters, at the bottom of the registry, that you're ok with getting a gift card to a specific store. We're doing this for our Williams Sonoma registry.

    In real world application - a friend of my fiance is getting married in August, and has a small registry. of course, fiance didn't pick a gift early enough, and now everything in our price range has been purchased. There IS a line on the bottom that says they'd like gift cards to Amazon. Works for us! I can give a gift card I know they'll use.

    Also, in the past, a friend registered for a TON of kitchen stuff, that I couldn't fathom purchasing for them because these people eat out every day of the week. We'd had many conversation about how they HATE cooking. So instead of purchasing something they'd never use, I got them a Visa gift card, which they ended up buying their toasting flutes and cake&Knife set for the wedding with. I was thrilled they were able to purchase something directly for the wedding and that was important to them with the gift i gave them.

    Gift cards can't hurt, but I would stay away from requesting cash directly or instead of gifts.
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Many registries allow you to check a little box "Would you like to accept gift cards to *insert store name here*. It appears in small letters, at the bottom of the registry, that you're ok with getting a gift card to a specific store. We're doing this for our Williams Sonoma registry.

    In real world application - a friend of my fiance is getting married in August, and has a small registry. of course, fiance didn't pick a gift early enough, and now everything in our price range has been purchased. There IS a line on the bottom that says they'd like gift cards to Amazon. Works for us! I can give a gift card I know they'll use.

    Also, in the past, a friend registered for a TON of kitchen stuff, that I couldn't fathom purchasing for them because these people eat out every day of the week. We'd had many conversation about how they HATE cooking. So instead of purchasing something they'd never use, I got them a Visa gift card, which they ended up buying their toasting flutes and cake&Knife set for the wedding with. I was thrilled they were able to purchase something directly for the wedding and that was important to them with the gift i gave them.

    Gift cards can't hurt, but I would stay away from requesting cash directly or instead of gifts.
    Requesting gift cards is the same as asking for cash. Everyone know they can give cash or a gift card, they don't need to be told this. Please don't tell people you want gift cards it is rude.

    Maybe your friend wanted to learn to cook. People can't eat out every night for the rest of their lives. Everyone eventually needs a set of pots and pans. We all grew up eventually - says the girl who hates to cook, but does it :-(
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • I think the giving of cash as a wedding gift might be regional. Or just vary by social circle. I would never give cash as a wedding gift. I've given a gift card only once (for a friend that refused to register) and I felt weird about it. None of friends ever give cash as a gift either. So even if that's what you want, know that some people feel super weird about it and it would be nice to give them another option. Like a registry.
  • edited August 2014
    I have a coworker who is getting married, we were talking about our weddings recently and she said that they are already established a do not want anything, they put a little slip of paper in their invites that said "we do not want to offend, but we have it all.  a monetary gift is what we are requesting....." it was an entire poem.  I told her I thought that was tacky.  But then again, I may be wrong.  I think that there are many ways that she is veering to far off etiquette course (for my comfort anyhow).  I had also told her that people should just automatically 'understand" that they want cash of gc since their is no registry or shower.
  • photokittyphotokitty where I want to be mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited August 2014
    I have a coworker who is getting married, we were talking about our weddings recently and she said that they are already established a do not want anything, they put a little slip of paper in their invites that said "we do not want to offend, but we have it all.  a monetary gift is what we are requesting....." it was an entire poem.  I told her I thought that was tacky.  But then again, I may be wrong.  I think that there are many ways that she is veering to far off etiquette course (for my comfort anyhow).  I had also told her that people should just automatically 'understand" that they want cash of gc since their is no registry or shower.
    You are absolutely correct! :) It is tacky and rude to mentions gifts or any kind on or enclosed wight he invitation. It is even ruder yet to tell guests you want cash and not to give boxed gifts.

    Poems make tacky things worse, not better. ewww
    :kiss: ~xoxo~ :kiss:

  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I have a coworker who is getting married, we were talking about our weddings recently and she said that they are already established a do not want anything, they put a little slip of paper in their invites that said "we do not want to offend, but we have it all.  a monetary gift is what we are requesting....." it was an entire poem.  I told her I thought that was tacky.  But then again, I may be wrong.  I think that there are many ways that she is veering to far off etiquette course (for my comfort anyhow).  I had also told her that people should just automatically 'understand" that they want cash of gc since their is no registry or shower.

    Boy, that's horrible! It's so tacky that I wouldn't even go to the wedding unless I were a really, really close friend or really, really looking forward to seeing our family at her party.
  • I agree with all the ladies saying you might want to at least make a small registry for the people that don't believe in or won't give cash as a gift. You will especially need a registry if someone is throwing you a shower because those are supposed to be physical, un-wrappable gifts. As far as the actual wedding goes I've never been to a wedding where the gift table had more than three gifts on it. People mostly bring money in a card because a gift is too much to lug around, so you definitely don't need to make it known, people just know. 
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