NWR: Facebook Etiquette

sarahufl

This isn't wedding related, but it is certainly etiquette related. My aunt has been very sick with Alzheimer's for a long time. My mom called me yesterday to tell me she had not eaten in several days. Nobody was expecting her to live for much longer.

This is obviously sad. But she had been suffering for a very, very long time and it was clearly her time to go. This morning, I log into Facebook and my uncle (her brother, Aunt never married) has a status up that says "It is with deep sadness that I report the death of my sister. She died last night after a long battle with Alzheimer's Disease. She was very dear to all of us; God bless."

WTF. You do not put stuff like that on FB before your FAMILY gets the news. My mom was waiting to call us until a decent hour but uncle goes and plasters it on FB for the world to see.

Rude.

holyguacamole79

I'm so sorry for your loss.  And I agree that stuff does NOT belong on Facebook before family & friends receive the news first. 

AddieCake

Yeah, that's inappropriate. I'm sorry for your loss. 

KickAssMOH

I 100% agree with you. I think it's disrespectful to use FB to communicate someone's death (but that's just personal opinion). When my mother passed away, my immediate family was silent about it on FB, and we had previously changed the setting on our "walls" so that no one could post anything. Really, we were just hoping to be left alone. It is so weird the measures you have to take nowadays to keep a sad family experience private.  

pegasuskat

My meth using cousin and her crazy mom (my grandfathers daughter from 1st marriage) popped in to visit for the first time in years, (hoping for money).  They left to go back home a few states away and cousin posted to FB for thoughts and prayers for her and mom on the loss.  Thing was he hadn't died yet, and didn't for 5 more days.

sarahufl

KickAssMOH said:

I 100% agree with you. I think it's disrespectful to use FB to communicate someone's death (but that's just personal opinion). When my mother passed away, my immediate family was silent about it on FB, and we had previously changed the setting on our "walls" so that no one could post anything. Really, we were just hoping to be left alone. It is so weird the measures you have to take nowadays to keep a sad family experience private.  

I am sorry for your loss. A few years ago my sister had 2 miscarriages back to back. She got pregnant a third time and was, obviously, terrified. She told only our family and a few select friends that she was pregnant. Everyone was under strict orders to not post anything about it to FB- no photos of her pregnancy, no comments about baby showers, nothing. She actually had to change her privacy settings so nobody posted anything about her pregnancy.

Thankfully, the third time was the charm and my AWESOME baby niece came out just fine. When they finally posted about her birth to FB there was all this "omg! I didn't know!". No, you did not know- why? Because you were someone's random, friend of a friend from high school. Why is it that we have to share our most private moments with random folks you haven't actually spoken to in 15 years?

LondonLisa

That is horrible. I'm so sorry. 

I know somebody from uni that had a baby recently. Everyone was spamming her FB page about posting photos and making the announcement etc. She finally said "We are trying to limit baby's online presence, but if you would like to meet them and catch up, please send me a message and we can arrange a get together in person". 

I really, really appreciated that. Because honestly, it is crazy that I have access to the full name, photos  and DOB of most of my FB friend's babies. 

pinkcow13

I'm so sorry for your loss. I totally agree, that is something you do not post on FB until the entire family knows. If even at all.

Maggie0829

Births and deaths should not be announced on FB until all immediate family members have been notified.

jenajjthr

When my sister died my mom debated calling me because I was on a romantic weekend with my FI (grief messed with her mind, I don't hold it against her). My step-sisters told her I would kill her if I found out after a 2 day delay and needed to know right away. I don't know what I would have done if I had logged onto FB and found out from a friend of her's who had posted about it before my step-sister called. 

I just don't get the FB notification of death, but I can see that being the norm in the next few years. It just makes me want to start making a list of who to call and their numbers of who to notify in case of my death. I didn't know many of my sister's friends numbers, and even though I asked the for the numbers from the ones I did know, the response was "I'll notify them." Which was...post it on Facebook. 

sarahufl

scribe95 said:

Hmm. I see everyone's point but think in some families it might be harder than you think. If anyone died on my mom's side there would be like 60 people to notify over several time zones including another country. That sometimes takes a while.They are good about a phone tree when something happens but sometimes it doesn't work. 

Also, what is immediate family? I wouldn't consider my aunt immediate family. Just my parents/siblings.

I do see where you are coming from. Absolutely. However, she died at midnight and he posted at 8am. There was hardly time to call people if they wanted to.

Maggie0829

scribe95 said:

Hmm. I see everyone's point but think in some families it might be harder than you think. If anyone died on my mom's side there would be like 60 people to notify over several time zones including another country. That sometimes takes a while.They are good about a phone tree when something happens but sometimes it doesn't work. 

Also, what is immediate family? I wouldn't consider my aunt immediate family. Just my parents/siblings.

Well immediate family is a family to family thing I guess.  But I just think when it comes to deaths, especially, I think it is best to wait a week or so before you start posting about it on FB.  You need to let there be time for family members to find out through other family members and not seeing it on FB as a generic post.

But then again I am still irked with MIL by posting the birth of H's sisters (and only sibling) first baby on FB and not even bothering to pick up the phone and call H to let him know he was now an uncle. Hell we only knew she was in labor because MIL posted that she was dropping everything and heading out to San Fran on FB.  So having to find out about life changing things on FB is a bit of a sensitive issue to H and I.

ETA: I also am not one to post about a death on FB.  I just don't think that is something that my random acquaintance from high school 12 years ago needs to really know or care about.

climbingsingle

I'm very sorry for your loss. And I agree that this kind of information shouldn't be put on Facebook before the rest of the family is told. That's really terrible. 

My uncle did the same thing when my cousin's 20 year old son passed away. We all found out about it on FB. 

lyndausvi

scribe95 said:

Hmm. I see everyone's point but think in some families it might be harder than you think. If anyone died on my mom's side there would be like 60 people to notify over several time zones including another country. That sometimes takes a while.They are good about a phone tree when something happens but sometimes it doesn't work. 

Also, what is immediate family? I wouldn't consider my aunt immediate family. Just my parents/siblings.

OP - I'm sorry for your loss

To the bold.   Yeah, I have a huge family.  I live 2 time zones over from most of my extended family.  I would prefer to know that my favorite aunt has passed via my mom.  however, my Aunt has 4 living siblings,  6 kids of her own, 16 grandkids and a few great-grandkids.   She has 18 nieces/nephews on our side. 30 something from her husband's side (which I'm FB friends with some of them myself).   Countless great-nieces and nephews.   

Fact is I think it would be impossible for people to know who was informed and who wasn't.  I'm not allowed to answer my phone when I'm on the beverage cart.  That could be 9+ hours that I'm completely out of contact with people.  

 Ideally people would keep it off of FB for a few days, but I think it's unrealistic.    Heck even a friend can post they are sorry about the passing of your grandmother to one of her grandkids that someone else might happen to read.

My own sister, parents, yeah I expected to be contacted before FB.   Extended family?  With the size of my family, how spread out we are and the amount of them I'm FB friends I just do not think it's realistic.   I don't think I would be on the radar of my aunt's nieces from her husband's side making sure I knew before posting. 

lyndausvi

scribe95 said:

My mom and Dad know to call me when someone dies - don't care what time - and they have. 

But not posting for a week just isn't realistic. I mean you want funeral and visitation details out there for friends and loved ones. 

It would be very unlikely I would find out something on FB.  Our phone tree works pretty well.  Our funerals are normally with in a few days of the death so yeah arrangements needs to be put out there and like it or not FB is a good way to do that.  Often the next day it's in the newspaper anyway.  

JellyBean52513

pegasuskat said:

My meth using cousin and her crazy mom (my grandfathers daughter from 1st marriage) popped in to visit for the first time in years, (hoping for money).  They left to go back home a few states away and cousin posted to FB for thoughts and prayers for her and mom on the loss.  Thing was he hadn't died yet, and didn't for 5 more days.

So much about your post irks me, but the bolded especially. For some reason, it's nails on a chalkboard to me when someone posts on Facebook "please send thoughts and prayers!!" Maybe I'm a terrible person, but begging people for sympathy and/or positive thoughts just reeks of attention-seeking. The people who truly care about you will know your situation (as long as you share that info with them) and they WILL keep you in your thoughts. Your Facebook network of 1500 people? Probably don't give a shit and then you have someone like me shaking my head wondering why you're taking to Facebook to air out your dirty laundry instead of, IDK, a counselor.

And yes, I know I should defriend this person if this is the way I feel about her, but she IS the type to send me a private message within 2 hours and ask me what she did wrong, why did I defriend her, what has she ever done to me, after everything we're been through together, her daughter loves me so much, maybe I should get off my high horse, blah blah blah. It's much less painful to just scroll past her negative posts.....

Maggie0829

scribe95 said:

My mom and Dad know to call me when someone dies - don't care what time - and they have. 

But not posting for a week just isn't realistic. I mean you want funeral and visitation details out there for friends and loved ones. 

I didn't realize that FB was the only way to deliver this information.  I mean, email works just as well and is a lot more private then making a post about it on FB for the entire world to see.  Also picking up the phone works well too.

I just do not get the point of making a public post on FB for all of your random friends/acquaintances to see when in reality only a handful of friends and family need to know.

lyndausvi

Maggie0829 said:

scribe95 said:

My mom and Dad know to call me when someone dies - don't care what time - and they have. 

But not posting for a week just isn't realistic. I mean you want funeral and visitation details out there for friends and loved ones. 

I didn't realize that FB was the only way to deliver this information.  I mean, email works just as well and is a lot more private then making a post about it on FB for the entire world to see.  Also picking up the phone works well too.

I just do not get the point of making a public post on FB for all of your random friends/acquaintances to see when in reality only a handful of friends and family need to know.

You know people often post obituaries in the newspaper with a day or 2 of someone's death, right? Its a way to let the public know of someone's passing.   Some newspapers print all deaths, births, marriage licences and property transfers as a matter of public record.

 FB is just another way to pass on the same info.

Maggie0829

lyndausvi said:

Maggie0829 said:

scribe95 said:

My mom and Dad know to call me when someone dies - don't care what time - and they have. 

But not posting for a week just isn't realistic. I mean you want funeral and visitation details out there for friends and loved ones. 

I didn't realize that FB was the only way to deliver this information.  I mean, email works just as well and is a lot more private then making a post about it on FB for the entire world to see.  Also picking up the phone works well too.

I just do not get the point of making a public post on FB for all of your random friends/acquaintances to see when in reality only a handful of friends and family need to know.

You know people often post obituaries in the newspaper with a day or 2 of someone's death, right? Its a way to let the public know of someone's passing.   Some newspapers print all deaths, births, marriage licences and property transfers as a matter of public record.

 FB is just another way to pass on the same info.

I'm sorry but I just don't agree with posting things like this on FB. There is just too much of a chance that things will be posted before the main individuals in your family are told, unlike with a newspaper where you have 2-3 days before the obit is printed.

Nymeru

I have no problem with your uncle posting about the death, but I do agree he could have waited at least a day so that family could be notified first.

Dizzy13

People should definitely wait at least a full day or two, though honestly, I feel like the ONLY people who have any right to post something about someone's death on FB it is their immediate family. When my brother passed away, my mom's best friend found on on FB because my f***ing socially awkward cousin posted "RIP ___" at 8am, when he had died, extremely unexpectedly, after midnight the night before. Thinking about it still makes me furious two years later.

tcnoble

First of all, so sorry for your loss. Second of all, we had the exact same thing happen when my older sister passed away. My very distant aunt heard from my grandma and posted it on Facebook so I was bombarded with texts and posts... Luckily I didn't have my phone near me so my mom was able to tell me, but upon picking up my phone it was clear others knew before I did. Some people just have no respect!

lc07

I definitely see why this offended you, OP. It would have shocked me, too, and would have been very upsetting. I am sorry this happened and that you found out this way. But I think it's just the nature of the social media beast - Over-sharing and immediate information exchanged. I think your options are to not be on Facebook, or to let the person know (privately) that it was hurtful to you to find out this way and would appreciate being notified by phone first in the future.

Simply Fated

This is terrible, I'm so sorry you or anyone had to find out through facebook.

This is not at all the same as finding out through the obituaries. You have to go looking at the obituary section to find out this information. It's in a separate section of the newspaper. While it can be very jarring to actually see someone you know listed in the obit column, you were the one who went looking for info. On some level you could have been mentally prepared for upsetting news. When you log on to Facebook to virtual farm or look at your friend's baby's pictures or the latest meme from George Takei... the last thing you expect to see is news that a beloved family member died.
Same thing with public records. You have to go out seeking the information. It doesn't just pop up in your newsfeed in between a picture of a baby giraffe tipping over and a post from your friend complaining about how she needs more yarn to finish a scarf she's making for her toy poodle.

This happened to my SO's family. His little sister IMMEDIATELY posted it on facebook. Like, nanoseconds after she found out, and she was the second person to know after her mother. Their mom didn't even get a chance to call anyone. Her aunts and uncles found out that their father died on Facebook. Same with her siblings and several cousins. She didn't know any better. No one wants to learn upsetting news through the internet like that. It's impersonal.


On the same note as public records... that is how my dad found out his beloved uncle died. None of his cousins thought to call him. My dad called his uncle, as he does every month or so and the number was disconnected. So he contacted his brother who checked the public records. Sure enough, he had died a month earlier. Finding out through public records was in no way more or less comforting. It's about as impersonal as it gets. Same with obituary columns and Facebook posts.

sarahufl

scribe95 said:

Please don't say anything to your uncle. That is the last thing he needs. Frankly he told your mother and she was supposed to tell you. It's kind of on your mom for not calling and telling you so you could sleep instead. 

I have had four aunts/uncles die and my mom has called me immediately - once after midnight and I was at a bar. Two other times in the middle of the night. She did the right thing and let me know immediately, sleep be damned.

I never said I was going to say anything to my uncle. I find your response to be rude, actually. Don't place blame on my mother.

buttercup1958

I had something similar happen to me. My parents told me that my dad was getting surgery. However, I logged on to facebook and I see that my dad and brother posted about how the removing of my dad's TUMOR was a success. They never told me that he had a bloody tumor in his nose and that's why he was getting surgery. I told them I was upset and they did apologize. It still gets on my nerves thinking about it though. I wish people would think things through and hesitant on positing very serious improtant things.

AlexaF2014

I really dislike when people post on Facebook information that isn't theirs to share, even if it's good news. Was at a wedding reception during cocktail hour and already somebody posted and tagged (with ALL the hashtags) a picture of the bride and groom walking down the aisle. It wasn't even 15 minutes yet, and I majorly side-eyed the chick for the rest of the reception.

I already know I'm going to wait to tell a specific immediate family member last if/when I get pregnant, because I know it will be on FB with everyone tagged.

But sharing bad new like that? IDK, I can kind of understand people being excited and wanting to share good news, but posting bad news on fb always seems like a pull to get sympathy/pity. Of course, I posted the wake/funeral information when my dad passed, but it was also on the same day of the wake, and 2-3 days after he passed - the important people knew. Yeah, I wanted pity and sympathy, but not at the expense of hurting someone else.