If I feel this guilty I must have done something wrong

AshStella1

Ok, here's a little backstory:
Our guest list has been finalized for quite some time now, and save the dates were sent out six months ago. We have budgeted for and can accomodate every single person on the guest list if they choose to come, but if they do we will be at exactly 100% occupancy for the venue.

Here's the problem:

We met this couple about 9 months ago and since we sent out the save the dates we have become really good friends with them. We knew we wouldn't be able to invite them so we tried to avoid the wedding conversation as much as possible but of course it's been brought up. They ask how the planning is going and they talk about their future wedding plans (not officially engaged but close) and have even told us we will be invited.

We try to avoid the conversation as much as possible (we don't bring it up, we keep answers short before changing the subject) but effective bean dipping is just much easier in theory than in practice (my FI is especially bad at it, though he tries) and even more so when there's wine involved (there usually is). So the wedding has been discussed a bit more than I'm comfortable with with people who aren't invited.

Anyway, our invites went out this week and I feel so terrible because I know they're expecting to get one and they won't.

I know it's terrible etiquette to basically tell someone they aren't invited and why but I would really like to be able to give them an explanation rather than have them wait for an invitation they aren't getting before realizing they're the only ones in our friend group who isn't invited. They're too polite to ever ask if they're invited or bring it up themselves so basically I have no chance to explain unless I bring it up myself.

What would you do?

lyndausvi

Well we put in a buffer for just this reason.  But that ship as sailed. 

Honestly if a decline comes in within the next week I would b-list them.  Not ideal, but not completely obvious either.  Any longer than a week I wouldn't though.

Jen4948

If they're too polite to ever ask if they're invited or bring it up themselves, you just let it go.  There is no need for you to feel guilty.  They didn't make the cut for valid reasons (you chose not to invite them).

lizzypoo96

If you really want to invite them, send the invite. We were told to account for at least 10% of our invitees backing out.

holyguacamole79

I was in a very similar situation.  She & I were hanging out once and she was asking wedding questions, and I just felt badly.  I just said "I would love to have you & your bf there; we had already made the guest list and sent out save the dates when we became close friends."  I also explained that we had too many people added on and that FI (now DH) and I had agreed to lock down the guest list.  She said to me "oh, we haven't been friends for that long; I honestly wasn't expecting an invite."  The day of our wedding, she called me and left me the sweetest voice mail about how happy she was for me.  She & her bf got married last December and my husband & I went.  We're still super close friends to this day. 

I say go with your gut and heart on this one. 

Jen4948

lizzypoo96 said:

If you really want to invite them, send the invite. We were told to account for at least 10% of our invitees backing out.

Actually, for planning this is bad advice.  Even though it's very unlikely that all 100% of your invitees will attend, you need to plan for that possibility-not to do so is bad hosting.

sarahufl

They may not be expecting an invite. If I were the new friends, I would be happy to be asked, but I wouldn't expect it. I would completely understand either way.

I also say B-listing isn't the end of the world in this case.

climbingsingle

I think in this particular situation, B-listing is OK. If you get 2 declines, send them an invite.

wrigleyville

lizzypoo96 said:

If you really want to invite them, send the invite. We were told to account for at least 10% of our invitees backing out.

Bad idea. I had 100% attendance. We budgeted for it, so it was fine, but we'd have been hosed if I'd planned on anyone declining.

chasseuse

Given the newness of your relationship, I think you can be (gently) honest with her: before you met, you had created a guest list which brought you to venue capacity. You'd love to include them, but you are afraid it simply isn't possible because of rules at the venue which are outside your control. That way, if you do get a decline, she's already prepped for the possibility of a late invitation without feeling like b-list. (I'd only invite under these circumstances if it really seems like she wants to go though--you may get a response like @sarahbear31.)

AshStella1

Jen4948 said:

lizzypoo96 said:

If you really want to invite them, send the invite. We were told to account for at least 10% of our invitees backing out.

Actually, for planning this is bad advice.  Even though it's very unlikely that all 100% of your invitees will attend, you need to plan for that possibility-not to do so is bad hosting.

Yep, because while we have planned for the possibility of 100% attendance we are seriously hoping for only about 2/3. Any more than that and we have to start expanding seating to less ideal parts of the venue and eventually get rid of the dance floor. We are prepared to do this but obviously it's not the best situation. Even worse if we invited these people, had 100% attendance, and they didn't have anywhere to sit.

indianaalum

honestly? I would invite them. I  know that people here will tell me I am wrong, but I would invite them. It would only put you two over the max capacity..and let's be honest, there is a 99.999999 percent chance someone will decline. I wouldn't even wait. I would send out invite now, so it doesn't look like a b-list

SewInLoveWithDMB

I would send them an invite.

I know it is bad if you can't afford them, they don't have seats, or you become a "bad host." What you might want to do is call your venue - in the case that every person says yes and then these 2 also come -  can your venue still accommodate 2 extra seats? (For example: do all tables hold 6, but 2 tables with 7 would be totally ok...obviously not splitting up this couple.)

Expecting a certain percentage to not show up is bad planning. I agree.

But, thinking 2 people will not show up is rather obvious.  In my entire life of planning ANY party, 100% of the invitees do not attend. That even includes holiday dinners with close family!  

So, I would call your venue, mention it to them, see if there is any possibility for 2 additional people if necessary. Once you get a decent answer, I'd send the invite asap.

If it were me, I would feel really bad going forward with this couple (especially in the end if say, 15% declined.) 

I have in my signature our numbers. There was a large percentage that couldn't come, and we had maybe 10 people from our entire list who were out of state or had to travel. Everyone else was in a 1-25 mile radius. It would have been fine if every person had been able to come. (And from some responses, some people had 100% attend.) But, in practical terms, a you will probably get 2 declines.

QueerFemme

Can you talk to your venue and see if there is any possible way of adding two more chairs, in the event two people DON'T decline.     I would probably send the invite now, and hope for the best, but not before talking to my venue.

annathy03

indianaalum said:

honestly? I would invite them. I  know that people here will tell me I am wrong, but I would invite them. It would only put you two over the max capacity..and let's be honest, there is a 99.999999 percent chance someone will decline. I wouldn't even wait. I would send out invite now, so it doesn't look like a b-list

I would be tempted to do this if you have a high likelihood of some declines, i.e. great-aunt soandso lives far away and doesn't do well flying, or if you gave a lot of plus ones (not SOs) to people.  I know things vary from case to case, but I think 90% of the single people at our wedding (we gave a plus one to all singles) opted not to bring one.

We sent one couple their invite about a week after everyone else.  While we did get a few declines immediately, we weren't waiting on declines we just somehow missed them on the guest list and went "OH SHIT" and got the invite out ASAP.

theartistformerlyknownas

I would be honest. "Our invitations went out this week, and we wanted so badly to invite you but we didn't have room to add anyone since we're at capacity and STD's went out before we became so close. If we have some room open up from declines, we would love to add you." I think an honest B-list is way better than a sneaky one. Just don't B-list anyone else!

Or... maybe you'll get home today and have a decline and not have to worry. I got 2 within the first 4 days of sending my invites.

Nymeru

I agree.  Be honest, explain the situation and let them know you absolutely want them at your wedding as soon as you can make sure that you have the room.  At least see if they are even available for your wedding date.  Who knows?  It might be that they already have plans.

thisismynickname2

If it turns out you really can't invite them, I wouldn't worry about it.  Sometimes I'm plain surprised when I get invited to weddings.  If I were them I'd not be expecting an invite at all. 

d2va

Im with the PPs that just say invite them. You planned accordingly and theres a high chance ( like almost for sure) that at least 2 people will decline.

April192002

As annathy03 mentioned, is there anyone who's very unlikely to come? I'm still 5 months away and am already anticipating 10-12 declines based on location and their age and a pregnancy. There is a chance that 100% of the people you invite will accept AND show up but I would say there's more of a chance that at least 2 people will decline or not show up. Definitely talk to your venue and see if you could possibly squeeze 2 more people in, as long as it's not against occupancy code they should be able to accommodate 2 more.

You don't owe anyone an explanation or even let them know that they aren't invited but since you have become good friends I think it would be nice of you to do so. I personally would let them know that you two had been struggling for months to get your original guest list down to the venue's maximum capacity but since you all have become such great friends would like for them to consider attending your wedding, and that you'd let them know as soon as you get one. They could completely decline or might be delighted that you are wanting them there. It might sound a little tacky but I think you should be able to be open and honest with a good friend.

Another option is to  B-list them without them knowing, depending on your RSVP date. If you get a decline but can still give them a 2-3 week RSVP deadline, then they probably won't suspect a thing and you can pretend like you had planned to invite them the whole time.