Maid of Honor Not Filling her shoes?

jneen101

Why would I be joking?!  That other bride surely wasn't joking about purchasing gifts based on how much work each person did.  I'm just trying to see how one would determine the level of work produced. 

kebebb

Can I just say that I really hope my MOH and BM don't see all these lists of shit they're "supposed" to be doing for my wedding?

lilacck28

kebebb said:

Can I just say that I really hope my MOH and BM don't see all these lists of shit they're "supposed" to be doing for my wedding?

One of mine did. It terrified her. I had said "I like to go on the knot" and she found the knot's list. I had to clarify "no no no! I meant the boards! that list is rubbish! I just want you to be my friend and come to my wedding and stand up there in a dress that fits the parameters"

brandi902

Everyone is missing the point. Of course you would not leave a fried out, if she is truly there for you from an emotional stand point, but cannot attend any/all events and does not have the money to help out. I speaking of people who are asked to be part of a wedding party and then feel as if they can disappear, not only as a friend, but as a member of the wedding party and show up the day of and get the same credit as people who are truly supportive.

brandi902

You pay attention. Or in some instances you might be able to ask.

My sister is my MOH and she planned and executed most everything for my shower. She mentioned to me that she tried to send emails to the other girls and ask for input and help, but received no responses. Even after she mentioned sending the emails at a party that we were all at, one of the girls had the audacity to say "If it was too long, I probably deleted it. Can you send it again?" In the end I knew that my sister had done more than enough to make my shower special. I didn't have to get anyone anything, but I did, because I appreciate them being there for me, but I'm not spending $100 on someone that decides she just wants to show up the day of for free food and booze.

Viczaesar

brandi902 said:

Everyone is missing the point. Of course you would not leave a fried out, if she is truly there for you from an emotional stand point, but cannot attend any/all events and does not have the money to help out. I speaking of people who are asked to be part of a wedding party and then feel as if they can disappear, not only as a friend, but as a member of the wedding party and show up the day of and get the same credit as people who are truly supportive.

There is no credit to get. 

[Deleted User]

brandi902 said:

Everyone is missing the point. Of course you would not leave a fried out, if she is truly there for you from an emotional stand point, but cannot attend any/all events and does not have the money to help out. I speaking of people who are asked to be part of a wedding party and then feel as if they can disappear, not only as a friend, but as a member of the wedding party and show up the day of and get the same credit as people who are truly supportive.

At that point then I would be more concerned about my friendship with the person who disappears and not worried about the time/effort they put into my wedding. It's not about credit at all.

manateehugger

Who knew friendships were based on a credit system? Why is it asking someone to be a bridesmaid is suddenly supposed to transform that someone into a squeeing bridal bitch?

jneen101

brandi902 said:

You pay attention. Or in some instances you might be able to ask.

Yes, this is what I was wondering.  I couldn't really pay attention to who did what for my shower because I wasn't involved in the planning of it.  I just showed up.  So I have no idea who did what specifically.  I guess when I got there I should have said "who did these favors?"  "who spent time setting up"  "who sent the most emails?"  etc.  This is why I was wondering if some kind of evaluation might be helpful. 

offensivekitten2

Lol.  If you ever wonder if there really is someone out there for everyone, you just have to visit the TK boards and look at all the posts from the greedy itches of the world that still manage to get a fiance.

Friend credit system?  Gift giving tit for tat?

  

larrygaga

MoonMama22 said:

So, I'm really considering firing my maid of honor. I would still like her to be a bridesmaid but im not sure how to go about this. When i told her i was getting married and starting to plan a wedding she was very excited for me and when i asked how she felt about possibly being the maid of honor all she said was, " i guess, if you want me to". When i called her back saying i thought it would be better if she would be a bridesmaid because i dint think she seemed excited or up to the task and that may be better suited for her she suddenly was like oh i am so excited and would love to be your maid of honor! However sense then, I've only gotten her to come hangout twice and its been two months. She will barely talk about wedding stuff and keeps making empty promises to help me. Shes always terribly busy and she does live 45 minutes away. Shes already told me that she looked it up online and that she doesn't need to plan or help with the wedding shower. I had already told her when she said she wanted to be my maid of honor that, that would be expected of her as well as the bachelorette party, a speech at the wedding, and helping me with picking things out like the venue, dresses, cake, etc. She doesn't have a job right now, and when i asked her what she was thinking about doing for the bachelorette party she said she wasn't sure. I suggested getting a limo and just going to a bar or maybe a trip to instead to Florida or California. Due to her lack of funds she told me a limo would be out of the question, let alone going out of state(Michigan). Lately I've been dropping hints of, maybe it would easier if you were a bridesmaid sense you live far, are pretty busy right now, and don't have the budget for a lot of things. She didn't seem to get any of my hints and keeps responding with its okay, well figure it out. I want this to be a big thing, I mean you (hopefully) only get married once. I don't feel comfortable coming out and saying "hey, your not cutting it, your fired" but ive said it so many ways and suggestions and hints that I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to loose her as a friend, or hurt her feelings but i just think that she cant handle this and my party might end up being on 9 mile in some dump. She seems to try to get out of as many responsibilities as possible, and its all looking a little overwhelming to me because for everything she doesn't want to do, that means more work for me, and that's getting hard because i have a 11 month old at home, collage classes still, a birthday party to plan and i just cant do it all. I just need someone who will help me plan things and be able to come and do things as least once a week but i can only get her out like twice or once a month if im lucky and when she does come, nothing gets done. Again, I've told her whats expected of her, but she still doesn't seem to understand what that means. Mind you none of my friends have gotten married and they're all pretty young, but i think i have a newer friend who would be much better at the task. Originally i dint ask her because i was worried my other friend would take offense sense we've been friends longer, but the fact that she didn't even seem excited has me worried! HELP! HELP! HELP!!

beethery

MoonMama22 said:

So, I'm really considering firing my maid of honor. I would still like her to be a bridesmaid but im not sure how to go about this. When i told her i was getting married and starting to plan a wedding she was very excited for me and when i asked how she felt about possibly being the maid of honor all she said was, " i guess, if you want me to". When i called her back saying i thought it would be better if she would be a bridesmaid because i dint think she seemed excited or up to the task and that may be better suited for her she suddenly was like oh i am so excited and would love to be your maid of honor! However sense then, I've only gotten her to come hangout twice and its been two months. She will barely talk about wedding stuff and keeps making empty promises to help me. Shes always terribly busy and she does live 45 minutes away. Shes already told me that she looked it up online and that she doesn't need to plan or help with the wedding shower. I had already told her when she said she wanted to be my maid of honor that, that would be expected of her as well as the bachelorette party, a speech at the wedding, and helping me with picking things out like the venue, dresses, cake, etc. She doesn't have a job right now, and when i asked her what she was thinking about doing for the bachelorette party she said she wasn't sure. I suggested getting a limo and just going to a bar or maybe a trip to instead to Florida or California. Due to her lack of funds she told me a limo would be out of the question, let alone going out of state(Michigan). Lately I've been dropping hints of, maybe it would easier if you were a bridesmaid sense you live far, are pretty busy right now, and don't have the budget for a lot of things. She didn't seem to get any of my hints and keeps responding with its okay, well figure it out. I want this to be a big thing, I mean you (hopefully) only get married once. I don't feel comfortable coming out and saying "hey, your not cutting it, your fired" but ive said it so many ways and suggestions and hints that I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to loose her as a friend, or hurt her feelings but i just think that she cant handle this and my party might end up being on 9 mile in some dump. She seems to try to get out of as many responsibilities as possible, and its all looking a little overwhelming to me because for everything she doesn't want to do, that means more work for me, and that's getting hard because i have a 11 month old at home, collage classes still, a birthday party to plan and i just cant do it all. I just need someone who will help me plan things and be able to come and do things as least once a week but i can only get her out like twice or once a month if im lucky and when she does come, nothing gets done. Again, I've told her whats expected of her, but she still doesn't seem to understand what that means. Mind you none of my friends have gotten married and they're all pretty young, but i think i have a newer friend who would be much better at the task. Originally i dint ask her because i was worried my other friend would take offense sense we've been friends longer, but the fact that she didn't even seem excited has me worried! HELP! HELP! HELP!!

oooooohmygod there is so much wrong here. I had gotten caught up in what crazy stuff brandi was saying and I missed half of the shit in this WALL O TEXT and I really just went through it. I'd bold things but that whole thing doesn't need to be bolded.

Mochadia

This is a sticky situation.  On one hand apparently a MOH has no other responsibility other than help on the day of the wedding.  However, if you were up front, told her what you expected, and she chose to accept the "position" agreeing to meet those expectations, I think that is on her.  I think your expectations are a little much (just my opinion).  It maybe unrealistic to expect anyone to be there for you every week to plan out the wedding.  I do not know how you can change that expectation and from the posting, you did not seem to require her to do that when you originally asked (I wasn't there). If you value the friendship at the expense of the wedding of your dreams with pre-wedding events, then let her remain in your party, if it is a friendship that you value.  If she is not being the MOH that you requested, there is someone else willing to fulfill that role, and you do not mind losing the friendship, then change MOH.  It is a tough situation to be in. However, from what I read, it does seem as if you are being a but insensitive to her being jobless. Maybe if you could be more sensitive to that, then you may find that she will gracefully be a bridesmaid.

holyguacamole79

Mochadia said:

This is a sticky situation.  On one hand apparently a MOH has no other responsibility other than help on the day of the wedding.  However, if you were up front, told her what you expected, and she chose to accept the "position" agreeing to meet those expectations, I think that is on her.  I think your expectations are a little much (just my opinion).  It maybe unrealistic to expect anyone to be there for you every week to plan out the wedding.  I do not know how you can change that expectation and from the posting, you did not seem to require her to do that when you originally asked (I wasn't there). If you value the friendship at the expense of the wedding of your dreams with pre-wedding events, then let her remain in your party, if it is a friendship that you value.  If she is not being the MOH that you requested, there is someone else willing to fulfill that role, and you do not mind losing the friendship, then change MOH.  It is a tough situation to be in. However, from what I read, it does seem as if you are being a but insensitive to her being jobless. Maybe if you could be more sensitive to that, then you may find that she will gracefully be a bridesmaid.

The MOH does not have any more "responsibilities" than a bridesmaid.  It is also VERY tacky to "replace" someone in your bridal party. 

ETA:  This thread has been dead for a month.  There really was no reason to bring it back up.

[Deleted User]

MoonMama22 said:

So, I'm really considering firing my maid of honor. I would still like her to be a bridesmaid but im not sure how to go about this. When i told her i was getting married and starting to plan a wedding she was very excited for me and when i asked how she felt about possibly being the maid of honor all she said was, " i guess, if you want me to". When i called her back saying i thought it would be better if she would be a bridesmaid because i dint think she seemed excited or up to the task and that may be better suited for her she suddenly was like oh i am so excited and would love to be your maid of honor! However sense then, I've only gotten her to come hangout twice and its been two months. She will barely talk about wedding stuff and keeps making empty promises to help me. Shes always terribly busy and she does live 45 minutes away. Shes already told me that she looked it up online and that she doesn't need to plan or help with the wedding shower. I had already told her when she said she wanted to be my maid of honor that, that would be expected of her as well as the bachelorette party, a speech at the wedding, and helping me with picking things out like the venue, dresses, cake, etc. She doesn't have a job right now, and when i asked her what she was thinking about doing for the bachelorette party she said she wasn't sure. I suggested getting a limo and just going to a bar or maybe a trip to instead to Florida or California. Due to her lack of funds she told me a limo would be out of the question, let alone going out of state(Michigan). Lately I've been dropping hints of, maybe it would easier if you were a bridesmaid sense you live far, are pretty busy right now, and don't have the budget for a lot of things. She didn't seem to get any of my hints and keeps responding with its okay, well figure it out. I want this to be a big thing, I mean you (hopefully) only get married once. I don't feel comfortable coming out and saying "hey, your not cutting it, your fired" but ive said it so many ways and suggestions and hints that I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to loose her as a friend, or hurt her feelings but i just think that she cant handle this and my party might end up being on 9 mile in some dump. She seems to try to get out of as many responsibilities as possible, and its all looking a little overwhelming to me because for everything she doesn't want to do, that means more work for me, and that's getting hard because i have a 11 month old at home, collage classes still, a birthday party to plan and i just cant do it all. I just need someone who will help me plan things and be able to come and do things as least once a week but i can only get her out like twice or once a month if im lucky and when she does come, nothing gets done. Again, I've told her whats expected of her, but she still doesn't seem to understand what that means. Mind you none of my friends have gotten married and they're all pretty young, but i think i have a newer friend who would be much better at the task. Originally i dint ask her because i was worried my other friend would take offense sense we've been friends longer, but the fact that she didn't even seem excited has me worried! HELP! HELP! HELP!!

...Nevermind the rest of the obvious problems here, but to the bolded...who the heck do you think you are??? "Gee, I don't know what I want to do for my stagette but a trip on one end of the country or the complete other side would be awesomesauce!!!" 

There are not enough facepalm memes in the world for your entitled attitude....good grief. If I were in your WP, I would shove a cupcake in your face and walk away forever after hearing all this."

[Deleted User]

The MOH does not have any more "responsibilities" than a bridesmaid.  It is also VERY tacky to "replace" someone in your bridal party. 

ETA:  This thread has been dead for a month.  There really was no reason to bring it back up.

SITB

Aw, crap. Sorry for re-surfacing this older post.... I'm embarrassed...!

[Deleted User]

crabbylucy said:

brandi902 said:

I feel that since you gave her your expectations from the beginning, then she shouldn't have accepted if she didn't feel that she could commit. ON THE OTHER HAND, you knew her situation prior to asking, so I believe that it's your fault for asking someone to commit to so much, while living out of town and not having a job.

Don't "demote" her, just inquire with other Bridesmaids as to if they could help you. Your bridal party gifts should reflect the help and involvement that you received from each girl.

To the bolded: Yeah, that's the shittiest thing you can do. Don't do that.

A friend of mine found herself in a situation last year where she hadn't been able to do "the duties" as much as the bride wanted because she was laid off from work before all the showers and wedding.

When the wedding party was given their gifts at the rehearsal dinner, she saw she was the only one to not get these Tiffany pearl necklaces that every bridesmaid had received. My friend was very hurt, the other girls felt very awkward to have these pearls that she didn't get and bride came up with that same lame excuse that my friend hadn't contributed nearly as much as others. They haven't spoken since the wedding. 

What the shit?
If I was one of the other bridesmaids, I would have kept the gift I bought and given her a back her own necklace.

Cookie Pusher

Since my MOH and BM didn't plan me any parties, assist with any of my DIY projects, or even purchase their own dresses (I bought them)... does that mean I shouldn't have given them any gifts? I mean, they did nothing other than show up at my wedding!