Just Engaged and Proposals

Nervous fiancé.. What should I do?

My fiancé and I got engaged September 2013 after being together for 3 years. We have been living together for about 2 years and plan to get married in May 2015. About a month ago, we decided to sign a contract and start building a house and last week my fiancé told me that he is feeling extremely nervous about everything. He said that it didn't start until we started things with the house, but now he doesn't know if it's nerves about making such big commitments or something more serious.

He feels like the biggest thing is that he doesn't want to end up getting divorced like his parents. They got divorced after being together for about a year; his mom just went through her 3rd divorce and his dad has been remarried for over 10 years now. I've always known how important marriage was to him and how scared he was to end up like his mom, but I don't know where we should go from here, any advice?

Re: Nervous fiancé.. What should I do?

  • It's normal to be nervous, especially when you have a couple of big changes happening at once (getting married and building a house). You need to talk to him. Does he just need some time to process and adjust? Are there larger issues here? Is this something you two should bring to a counselor (or he should work on on his own with a counselor)?
  • Just how nervous is he? Is it to the point of him having serous doubts / wanting to postpone? I definitely had moments of being nervous during our engagement; I think that's natural. Also, has he ever expressed a willingness to talk to a therapist about this?
  • I asked him if he wanted to call off the wedding or call the builder and tell him we changed our minds and everytime I ask him a question he says he doesn't know. He doesn't know if it's normal to feel so nervous, and while I told him it was because it's life changing things, I don't want him to feel like I'm talking him into anything. I think part of the problem is that he keeps everything in and doesn't talk to anyone. I told him he should talk to his dad, and I want to suggest the possibility of seeing a counselor, and while normally I feel like we have good communication, I find myself afraid of bringing it up because I don't want to push him and don't know if we should give it some time not talking about it. He said that somedays it's fine but other days he's just terrified and finds himself thinking, what if we get divorced? What would we do with the house? What if, what if, what if? We have had this problem a few times throughout our relationship, he said he feels like everything is happening so fast and the commitment part of everything has just started sinking in after we started the house. At one point I took off my ring and said the wedding was off, because I wanted to see if he felt relief, and he didn't, and said that that's what he didn't want.
  • I can kind of relate with him. I definitely got nervous, and he was the calm one. A few friends reassured me that it's healthy to be nervous about a decision like that. I hope he finds someone good to talk to about this! Do you have any married friends that he might want to talk with?
  • Pretty much all of our friends are married, he just never really likes to talk about stuff like this with them (or anyone really). I think he's scared/nervous about marriage, but I think it's the possibility if divorce that terrifies him. Should I bring it up and try to talk about it? Or should I try to give it a couple weeks?
  • Personally, I'd give him a few weeks (or sooner if he brings it up). Are you members of a church that requires marriage prep? That is a setting where you essentially have to talk about it, and it's moderated by someone who usually has been trained to facilitate these discussions. If this isn't the case for you, perhaps you can find a counselor in the area that could meet with the two of you to talk through things.
  • No we aren't part of a church, but I have gotten some information from a few counselors that I would like to go to if he is willing.
  • Should I also wait to suggest us talking to a counselor?
  • Should I also wait to suggest us talking to a counselor?

    I'd wait a few weeks. I'd also gauge his attitude / comments before you suggest it. Even if he doesn't bring it up again and if you'd be interested in talking with someone, then let him know that you'd like this. He may be feeling a bit vulnerable about things, so keep that in mind.
  • lilacck28lilacck28 member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2014
    If he's that nervous about the fall out of a hypothetical divorce, then maybe you should get a prenup that lays out what would happen with your assets, including the house, if you got divorced. And I think talking to a therapist about this anxiety is a good idea since it sounds like it is debilitating and comes fairly often. Nerves every once in a while is normal. Anxiety about multiple changes (even debilitating anxiety) is also pretty normal, but knowing how to cope with that level of anxiety is very important. 
  • I wasn't nervous about the wedding but I can relate to the house.  Several years before I met DH I decided to buy a house.  I thought for sure I'd be really excited about getting the house. When my realtor called to tell me my offer had be accepted instead of getting excited I got nauseous. Its a huge step and a ton of money. It's a very scary step. Even when it's a good step it can still be incredibly stressful.  
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  • My mother never had a happy marriage.  My sister had a horrible divorce.  I have been happily married for 38 years.  You never really know.  There are no guarantees in life.
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  • My fiance is also extremely nervous about the idea of marriage in general. He has been surrounded by divorce his whole life, and it doesn't help that everyone tells him marriage changes EVERYTHING (in a bad way). We knew after 4 years that we wanted to be together forever, and start a family, and I refuse to do that without being married, so he just has to get over the whole marriage thing. I'm sorry I have no advice for you, but I can relate to what you're saying about having a nervous fiance. Good luck with everything!!
  • Someone mentioned a prenup... considering you're purchasing the home together and have been living together for two years, you don't really have individual assets in that regard unless either one of you has family money. You can, however, do a prenup just for the sake of stipulating that you get divorced in a 50/50 state, if it's that important.

    But, I think the mention of a prenup right now might make him more scared? 

    Anywho, I'm terrified a lot, too. Surrounded by divorce, as well. But I want this and frequently remind myself of that, so I'm riding the waves of fear and they do pass. Just be patient with him.
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