Wedding Etiquette Forum

UPDATE: RSVP straggler... what do we do?

312Emily312Emily member
Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
edited July 2014 in Wedding Etiquette Forum
So the bulk of FI's guests are fraternity brothers. Most of them are married already, so they were very on top of RSVPs. However, he invited one single frat brother, who we'll call Brother Derpface from now on, who lives in our city, because he knew the guy would be offended if we held a wedding in our city, roughly 10 guys and their wives were in town, and he wasn't invited. RSVP deadline was about 2 weeks ago, numbers are due Friday. FI Facebook messaged him the day after, nothing. Waited 72 hours and this time emailed, nothing. Waited 3 days and had his big brother in the fraternity (also invited), call him. And FI called today... still no response. I can add guests up to 48 hours before the wedding. And if he decides to finally crawl out from whatever rock he's hiding under in the 48 hours before our wedding? We have to pay more for it. I don't want to pay more for this guest. Especially because he's a flake, and has totally left FI and another brother in the lurch after they bought baseball tickets in the past. FI and I are both offended at this point and kind of no longer want him there. But isn't it rude to tell him not to bother coming? He fits into the seating plan no matter what, and I can make an escort card for him without having to add him to the catering numbers just yet, but Brother Derpface really needs to get it together. So how do we manage this?


Update: so we took your advice and FI called him and said, "Hi Brother Derpface, hope all is well. If you don't respond by Tuesday, we'll have to assume you're a no, and there won't be a seat for you." He called FI this morning, said he was sorry and had been waiting to hear on a schedule conflict, but it's no longer a conflict and he can come. F&#*! FI and Brother Derpface's big bro tried to contact him. CLEARLY he was getting these messages. And of course, instead of doing the reasonable thing and telling people there might be a conflict (which we would have been understanding of), he didn't tell anyone that and shut off all communication. OF COURSE! And then he said he'd like chicken and asked what we wanted from our registry. FI said, "whatever," because he was just so baffled, and within an hour, a place setting of china showed up as purchased by Brother Derpface. I'm so completely confused.
image
lazykat9

Re: UPDATE: RSVP straggler... what do we do?

  • holyguacamole79holyguacamole79 a taco truck in Houston member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    312Emily said:

    So the bulk of FI's guests are fraternity brothers. Most of them are married already, so they were very on top of RSVPs. However, he invited one single frat brother, who we'll call Brother Derpface from now on, who lives in our city, because he knew the guy would be offended if we held a wedding in our city, roughly 10 guys and their wives were in town, and he wasn't invited. RSVP deadline was about 2 weeks ago, numbers are due Friday. FI Facebook messaged him the day after, nothing. Waited 72 hours and this time emailed, nothing. Waited 3 days and had his big brother in the fraternity (also invited), call him. And FI called today... still no response. I can add guests up to 48 hours before the wedding. And if he decides to finally crawl out from whatever rock he's hiding under in the 48 hours before our wedding? We have to pay more for it. I don't want to pay more for this guest. Especially because he's a flake, and has totally left FI and another brother in the lurch after they bought baseball tickets in the past. FI and I are both offended at this point and kind of no longer want him there. But isn't it rude to tell him not to bother coming? He fits into the seating plan no matter what, and I can make an escort card for him without having to add him to the catering numbers just yet, but Brother Derpface really needs to get it together.

    So how do we manage this?

    It would be very rude to tell him not to bother coming. I agree with @Ven&Radio‌. Even if he still shows up without RSVP ing, I wouldn't sweat it. One person won't make a huge difference.
  • NYCMercedesNYCMercedes BOS, NYC, DC. Forever a city girl member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Seems as though you've made a tremendous effort so I would just count him out. If he shows up (unlikely), then he'll just have to find a chair and mooch off friends. Usually you have a no-show or two anyway.
  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas peaced out. member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    Yup, just leave a message and say "if we don't hear from you by (this time) on (this date), we'll assume you're not coming and there will not be a seat for you."

    image
    image
  • agree with PP- if he hasn't been able to return a rsvp card or a fb message, he's not coming.
    image
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I would also leave one last message telling him that by X time we will assume you are busy and won't be able to make it so we will put you down as a "no."  This is the date our final count must be in by.  He doesn't need to know you can add people on 48 hrs ahead.  
  • Seems as though you've made a tremendous effort so I would just count him out. If he shows up (unlikely), then he'll just have to find a chair and mooch off friends. Usually you have a no-show or two anyway.
    I agree. Doesn't sound like this guy is coming. And if he does, it's not your sole job to find him a place. (Yes, I know you are the host and all that jazz, but you have done everything in your power at this point to find out if he is coming and he has rudely ignored you. You no longer have any obligation to go out of your way and save a spot for him.)

    Sorry to hear this guy is like this - so annoying!
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

    image 293 (Adults) Invited
    image198 Yes (+ 12 children and 3 babies)
    image95 No
    image0 Unknown

  • Update: so we took your advice and FI called him and said, "Hi Brother Derpface, hope all is well. If you don't respond by Tuesday, we'll have to assume you're a no, and there won't be a seat for you."  He called FI this morning, said he was sorry and had been waiting to hear on a schedule conflict, but it's no longer a conflict and he can come.  F&#*!  FI and Brother Derpface's big bro tried to contact him. CLEARLY he was getting these messages.  And of course, instead of doing the reasonable thing and telling people there might be a conflict (which we would have been understanding of), he didn't tell anyone that and shut off all communication. OF COURSE!  And then he said he'd like chicken and asked what we wanted from our registry. FI said, "whatever," because he was just so baffled, and within an hour, a place setting of china showed up as purchased by Brother Derpface.  I'm so completely confused.
    image
  • NymeruNymeru member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    At least you only had one confusing guest. I'm glad it got resolved.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards