UPDATE: Upset with my mother

timewellwasted93

I'm a long time lurker and I've finally decided to make an account for some advice. I'm at such a loss here. My mother is apparently getting married on Saturday, with only my two younger siblings present. The only reason I even know is because my little sister told me. I mean, if my mom eloped or something, I'd understand. But she's exchanging vows in front of two of my siblings, and hasn't even told me or my older sister, let alone invited us. This isn't like my cousin didn't invite me to her wedding or something, it's my mother! I'm really upset. We're not estranged, we talk all the time. I don't see how she wouldn't want me there, or at the very least let me know it's happening. But I also can't say anything to her, because my sister wasn't supposed to tell me. So I don't want to get her in trouble. I don't even think there's a question in this post. I just don't know how to get over this. Advice? Puppies? Make me laugh? I'm just lost.

bethsmiles

Wow. I don't know if I could help myself from asking my mom why she was keeping this a secret from me even if it got my sibling in some hot water.

Do you know her FI? Have you been openly disapproving of their relationship?

chibiyui

Wow. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. 

southernbelle0915

Ouch! I'm really sorry you're hurt about this, OP. Hang in there.

I can't even imagine being in this situation, so if my advice is off, toss it to the wind... I would wait until after Saturday, confirm that it actually happened and if so, talk to your mom about it. When you do, put her feelings first. That's going to be super hard to do since you're so hurt, but if you come across as judgy or disapproving, she'll probably get defensive and you won't get the whole story.

Have your younger sisters asked why their older siblings aren't invited? If so, what's the response from your mom?

loveislouder

If I were your younger siblings, I would tell mother that I was telling my older siblings, and there's nothing she can really do about it.  It sucks, I know.

My mom wasn't invited to her father's wedding either because his fiance lady didn't like the "attention" my grandpa paid to my mother. She thought one phone call a week was too much for him to be talking to "another woman." Like, what?

jdluvr06

I don't even know what to say to this. I imagine that you are very hurt. *big hugs*

bethsmiles

loveislouder said:

If I were your younger siblings, I would tell mother that I was telling my older siblings, and there's nothing she can really do about it.  It sucks, I know.

My mom wasn't invited to her father's wedding either because his fiance lady didn't like the "attention" my grandpa paid to my mother. She thought one phone call a week was too much for him to be talking to "another woman." Like, what?

WTF?! That's just weird and creepy as hell.

timewellwasted93

She's been with him for about 4 years. Her MO is to date for 5 years then break up. She's been married twice and stated she'd never marry again (and recently), so this is surprising.

I forgot the amusing part though! About two weeks ago, they posted on facebook that they're now in an open relationship. Which got a few snarky remarks from me to my own bf, but I would never say to them (only judging this because it's my mother and I know how she is with men). And now they're getting married which is kind of the opposite in my opinion.

My younger siblings are super non-confrontational with my mom. I doubt they'd ask. Though they both know how I feel about it. I almost want to call my older sister. She'd have no problem flipping out on my mom, but somehow that doesn't seem like a good option.

We're also not sure if this is a legal marriage. They did say that they want the kids to witness them exchange vows, but the kids don't know any other details about what's going on.

JCbride2015

What's the age difference among all you kids-- are the two younger ones still living at home?

timewellwasted93

bethsmiles said:

Wow. I don't know if I could help myself from asking my mom why she was keeping this a secret from me even if it got my sibling in some hot water.

Do you know her FI? Have you been openly disapproving of their relationship?

I have disapproved of his treatment of my siblings in the past (he's very passive aggressive and I also believe parenting and punishments should be left to the actual parents, or at least proper treatment agreed upon). Mom has realized this finally and discussed it with him and it's stopped. We have had a friendly relationship for the past year and a half or so.

doeydo

Maybe they only asked those two so they could be legal witnesses and other than that they don't want any guests?

timewellwasted93

JCbride2015 said:

What's the age difference among all you kids-- are the two younger ones still living at home?

Sister will be 15 this month, brother is 13. I'm 23 and my other sister is 24.

@doeydo I guess I can understand, but when you have 4 kids and only 2 are invited or even told, it kind of stings, you know?

beachyone15

I wouldn't be able to help myself from asking her why 2 of her children weren't invited. That's so messed up that I wouldn't care how angry she got.

mysticl

timewellwasted93 said:

JCbride2015 said:

What's the age difference among all you kids-- are the two younger ones still living at home?

Sister will be 15 this month, brother is 13. I'm 23 and my other sister is 24.

@doeydo I guess I can understand, but when you have 4 kids and only 2 are invited or even told, it kind of stings, you know?

If they are minors they can't be legal witnesses to the wedding.  Maybe it's because they are still kids.  Like she's concerned about the message excluding them would send to them since they still live in the home.  

timewellwasted93

mysticl said:

timewellwasted93 said:

JCbride2015 said:

What's the age difference among all you kids-- are the two younger ones still living at home?

Sister will be 15 this month, brother is 13. I'm 23 and my other sister is 24.

@doeydo I guess I can understand, but when you have 4 kids and only 2 are invited or even told, it kind of stings, you know?

If they are minors they can't be legal witnesses to the wedding.  Maybe it's because they are still kids.  Like she's concerned about the message excluding them would send to them since they still live in the home. 

That's probably why, except she didn't think about the message excluding their siblings would send them. I mean my little sister came to me as soon as she could to talk about it. My reaction was not very nice, to say the least. Little one thought it was important to let me know. She doesn't hide things from me (or at least she tells me more than she tells anyone else in the family).

Now I'm feeling guilty cause she didn't get to talk after she told me the initial info, I just kinda got real angry and let my own feelings be known without listening to how she felt. I don't even know if she's cool with the marriage. I should probably call her...

JCbride2015

mysticl said:

timewellwasted93 said:

JCbride2015 said:

What's the age difference among all you kids-- are the two younger ones still living at home?

Sister will be 15 this month, brother is 13. I'm 23 and my other sister is 24.

@doeydo I guess I can understand, but when you have 4 kids and only 2 are invited or even told, it kind of stings, you know?

If they are minors they can't be legal witnesses to the wedding.  Maybe it's because they are still kids.  Like she's concerned about the message excluding them would send to them since they still live in the home.  

This is what I was thinking when I asked the ages, and it makes sense.  It's still hurtful she didn't include OP, but at least there is a rational line drawn between the minors and the adults.

grumbledore

I'd say something myself...

debbeau

Did you speak to your mom or your sister?

FiancB

That's pretty messed up. I can see why the line was drawn where it was drawn, but if you invite any kids you should invite all of them. It's just super weird. Do you live a long ways away or are you busy with school? Maybe she doesn't want to burden you with making the trip. My mom had a nasty habit of not letting me know when people/animals were dying when I was in school...

But yeah, I'd definitely say something. 

Jen4948

Ouch, that's really hurtful and messed up.  <<<big hugs>>>

timewellwasted93

I spoke to my older sister a few days ago. She was pretty pissed too, but we both decided to leave it be for the sake of our little sister. I haven't gotten the chance to talk to the younger siblings yet about what actually happened on Saturday, so we'll see.

and @FiancB I actually live across the street from my mom. Just working through the summer, searching for grad programs, not really doing anything crazy or time consuming at the moment. I was over at the house Thursday and even spent the night Friday. We're pretty close as a family. I guess I could deal with age reason, but honestly I'm going to be pretty upset for a while.

timewellwasted93

UPDATE: So I finally got to talk to my little sister, alone, about what happened with the "wedding." Apparently it wasn't a legal ceremony, just my mom and her boyfriend (fiance? husband? idk what to refer to him as now) and my brother and sister.

Also, recently mom has decided to dabble in Wicca, which we all find strange and confusing. Not that there's anything wrong with Wicca, or Wiccans, or switching religions or anything like that, it's just that my mother is kind of obnoxious and in-your-face-everything-I-do-or-say-is-better/smarter. We don't really know if she's doing this switch for attention, or if she's serious about it, since her attitude about it sucks. I'd never say anything about it, and I don't really care that she switched religion honestly (to each their own), I just don't get it.

So the ceremony was a Wiccan ritual where they faced north/south/east/west (they all stood for something), and then they exchanged vows. My sister said it was very strange and weird, and my brother glared at them the whole time. 

I guess it's better that it wasn't legal so technically I didn't miss an actual wedding, but it did mean something to them so I'm still irked. Mom mentioned to the siblings that if they decide to have a real ceremony, it will be a lot later because she wants to have a big wedding and hire a high priestess. So it'll be like a PPD that's not actually a PPD 'cause they did the sentimental part earlier and the legal part later.

I'm going to just give up on trying to understand the things she does, and just accept it. I mean what else is there to do? She's my mom. 

theartistformerlyknownas

timewellwasted93 said:

UPDATE: So I finally got to talk to my little sister, alone, about what happened with the "wedding." Apparently it wasn't a legal ceremony, just my mom and her boyfriend (fiance? husband? idk what to refer to him as now) and my brother and sister.

Also, recently mom has decided to dabble in Wicca, which we all find strange and confusing. Not that there's anything wrong with Wicca, or Wiccans, or switching religions or anything like that, it's just that my mother is kind of obnoxious and in-your-face-everything-I-do-or-say-is-better/smarter. We don't really know if she's doing this switch for attention, or if she's serious about it, since her attitude about it sucks. I'd never say anything about it, and I don't really care that she switched religion honestly (to each their own), I just don't get it.

So the ceremony was a Wiccan ritual where they faced north/south/east/west (they all stood for something), and then they exchanged vows. My sister said it was very strange and weird, and my brother glared at them the whole time. 

I guess it's better that it wasn't legal so technically I didn't miss an actual wedding, but it did mean something to them so I'm still irked. Mom mentioned to the siblings that if they decide to have a real ceremony, it will be a lot later because she wants to have a big wedding and hire a high priestess. So it'll be like a PPD that's not actually a PPD 'cause they did the sentimental part earlier and the legal part later.

I'm going to just give up on trying to understand the things she does, and just accept it. I mean what else is there to do? She's my mom. 

How strange. It still doesn't make much sense that you weren't even informed about it. Maybe it's more of a token gesture to save face in front of your siblings? Like "it's OK if Mom's banging this dude cuz he's her husband now?" IDK. I got nothin'. And it absolutely still will be a PPD later on; order doesn't matter so much as the AW-ishness of one wedding not being good enough if it doesn't have a giant dress and everyone you know.

blabla89

Sending you lots of hugs, OP.

mrsdelkins

I'm so sorry you are going through this!!  I can't even imagine how difficult this must be or the hurt that you may be feeling.  I don't have any advice, but maybe this will make you feel better?...

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mbvd/50-cutest-puppies-you-need-to-look-at-now#

timewellwasted93

@mrsdelkins I officially love and hate you haha. Number 27 is the dog I have always wanted! My boyfriend and I moved in together 2 months ago and want a pet, but we realized we don't have the time to train/take care of a puppy. We decided to get a kitten, but bf is making me wait until we have a good grasp on what our bills will be every month. He's mean. Smart, but mean.

I keep sending him pictures of kittens up for adoption at our local shelters. He's yet to say "alright let's go!" I will continue to do this until he cracks from all the cuteness.