Wedding Etiquette Forum

Verbal Invitation Etiquette

Hi everyone!

To start, we are paying for the majority of our wedding, with my parents paying for flowers and cake and his family paying for the bar.

I'm running into a bit of an issue with my mom.  In May, she decided she wanted to add 15 people to our completed guest list, which added 45 people once you add in families and SO. I stood my ground and told her nicely that the guest list was full, which made her mad. My fiancé has a very large, close family with 30-35 first cousins, and I have a very small family with 2 first cousins. Her solution was to cut his cousins to accommodate her coworkers, workout friends, and some random people I don't know.  She hates her coworkers so I'm not really sure why she wanted to invite them, but that's really besides the point. At that point in time, she told me she was going to verbally invite people, and I looked her in the eye and told her "No, you are not. The guest list is full, and this conversation is over."

Well, I found out today that she has verbally invited people to our wedding, but I don't know how many. At least some of them are planning on attending. I can't figure out why you'd attend a wedding you don't have an invitation for. For the record, invitations aren't going out until the beginning of August.

So, my question is, what do I do? We have room for them (inviting 160 and fire code allows for 250), but we set a cutoff number, I/we don't want them there, and I clearly told her no.  At this point, I don't trust her to tell them that we aren't able to accommodate them.

Re: Verbal Invitation Etiquette

  • Seriously. I would be so furious at my mother I would probably uninvite her. DO NOT accept any money from this bitch. Jesus, I am so angry for you. Do not be a doormat because she will pull shit like this forever. 

    PPs wording is great. I would pay someone to work the escort card table... If there is no escort card for them, I would make that person go get your mother and explain to the people her mistake. This should not be put on you. 
  • The only thing I would add to what LondonLisa said above is to make sure your mom will know that SHE is the one who will look bad when these people are turned away at the reception.  "And since you were the one who invited these people verbally, you will be the one who they blame when they are turned away at the door."

    Let the venue know what your mom did and see how they would like for this to be handled.  They may have someone already on staff to deal with this or they may ask for you to get security.
  • You're mom is a peach!

    If you can afford to host these extra people, can you afford to pay for your flowers and cake? If so, tell your mom you appreciate her generosity, but you'd like to cover these things yourself. 

    If you are hosting everything yourself, do not worry about her verbal invitations. They are meaningless. Your mom will be the one embarrassed if/when these people show up and there are no place cards, no seats, no meals for them. Make sure she knows that's what's going to happen. She'll have a much easier time correcting her mistake now than later. 
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  • I'm so sorry, that's really sucky.

    PPs all have good advice. Depending on your mom's level on the BSC scale, it might be worth it to try and keep the peace by having her cop the cost of the additional 45 people, in addition to the flowers and cake. You might not want all these strangers at your wedding, but this seems to be the path of least resistance, again depending on your mom's personality. Doing this, however, may set a poor precedent for anything in the future that you two disagree on, so proceed with caution.

    Can your dad reign in your mom's crazy? I'm assuming he's not part of the problem since all the extras are her co-workers/friends. If he's on your side, have him sit down with you to talk to your mom. 
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  • Yikes!  I am sorry you are dealing with this. I  agree with PPs about having your mom tell these people they aren't invited.  

    Just another thought--be careful with sending your mom an invitation. I had a friend whose mom photocopied it and sent it out to people who then thought they were officially invited.  It was a mess!
  • Stand your ground! PPs have given great advice. I personally don't think paying for cake and flowers is enough of a contribution to insist upon this much of the guest list, but reason and logic don't seem to be your mom's strong point at this moment. Paying for those yourself will likely be the best way to seal the message that she gets NO say.

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  • Yikes!  I am sorry you are dealing with this. I  agree with PPs about having your mom tell these people they aren't invited.  

    Just another thought--be careful with sending your mom an invitation. I had a friend whose mom photocopied it and sent it out to people who then thought they were officially invited.  It was a mess!
    I was just going to write this -- I've heard of this happening!! Don't let her have the chance to photocopy the invitations. It's really sad that you are having to deal with this. 
  • I don't have much advice because I feel like there's no verbal invitation etiquette because verbal invitations for weddings isn't a thing. People who would just show up without receiving an invitation should expect to be turned away. If anyone should be embarrassed over that it will be your mom. Sorry you are dealing with this craziness.

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  • I don't have much advice because I feel like there's no verbal invitation etiquette because verbal invitations for weddings isn't a thing. People who would just show up without receiving an invitation should expect to be turned away. If anyone should be embarrassed over that it will be your mom. Sorry you are dealing with this craziness.
    The only etiquette would be if YOU verbally invite them yourself, then they need to be invited. But verbal invitations from someone who is NOT in control of the guest list have no bearing.

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  • Yikes. You've already gotten good advice. I'm sorry your mom is acting like this. I'd be really pissed. 
  • Holy shit your mom is a crazy. PPs have already given great advice, just giving some support!
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  • Yes, I agree that turning down her money will make it easier to take control.  I'd also tell her that there will be set places for people who you have sent invites to/RSVP'ed yes and there will not be able extra seats/meals. 
  • Stand your ground! Do NOT mention to her that the venue has room and that you have room in your budget, she will run with it and she it as you conceding. If telling her that she will be the one embarrassed doesn't work, then I would go to your venue and let them know the issue. My venue has had issues with couples inviting guests to come AFTER dinner(super rude!) and now does random head counts throughout the event. I wouldn't want the venue to think you invited these people without letting them know, and then you and your FI having to foot the bill. Plus, as a PP said, they might have solutions for this type of situation already.
  • drptobe14 said:

    Thanks for the advice everyone! I am really glad I'm not the crazy one.

    I'm definitely not going to let her win this one. I was shocked when I found out TBH. Usually she talks a big game and does it to get her way. While that works on my sister, it just pisses me off. The only reason she thought she'd get away with it is because I'm out of the country for work until right before the wedding. I talked to her, after I talked with FI, and I told her while she's still invited, we won't be accepting her/their financial contributions. Her next threat was "Well, I just won't come." I responded with "Well, I think it's ridiculous to not attend your daughter's wedding because of people you don't even like, but that's up to you." She'll be there.

     I also told her that she needs to call everyone she invited and tell them they aren't invited. My dad's going to sit in so she can't pin it on me, but I'm sure this will somehow become FI's fault after the initial phone call when she's no longer supervised. You know, because he has cousins, and she doesn't like him.

    My FI now understands why I have my invitations locked down, and why I told him not to give her one before the wedding.


    I am so so so glad to hear this. So I presume your dad is on your side and knows how crazy this is? I'm a complete stranger, but I am so proud of you for not letting her walk all over you. Woohoo! You deserve a margarita! 
  • I'm glad your dad has your back.  I'm really shocked at how badly your mother wants to be a martyr over this-especially if she hates the people she wants to invite.  But I think you are handling it wonderfully.  Good for you! Keep it up!
  • I would suggest giving your parents an invitation the day of or after your wedding, if they want it. Crazies will be crazy though. Since you are inviting other family I wouldn't be too surprised if she asked to borrow theirs to make a copy or have them scan & email it to her. I think having security of some sort may honestly be the best option here.

    If anyone wasn't able to respect my FI's and my decisions I wouldn't want them there, even if it was one of our parents. It would less stress for me to deal with before and during the wedding.

  • It's good that your dad has your back. Just to be on the safe side, I think you should prepare to pay for the flowers and cake on your own, in case she gets angry and rescinds the offer (my FMIL kind of did this).

    If she continues to push it, you can say, "Mom, FI and I can afford to host exactly 160 people, and we will be inviting *our* closest friends and family. The cost per additional guest is $X and we cannot afford to pay that, nor will we cut guests from FI's family. However, if you'd like to cover the $X cost to invite your additional guests, we may be able to accommodate them. Otherwise YOU will need to let them know that you are very sorry but you were mistaken when you invited them."

    Of course, that's only if you're comfortable with having her extra guests there, if she pays for them. And don't commit to it until you have a check in hand for the cost of the extra guests. $X  includes ALL of the incremental costs per person - food, drink, place setting, chairs, additional table, tablecloth and centerpiece, additional staff if your venue requires it, favor, invitation and postage, etc. If you just don't want her extra people there, then stand firm and make sure she understands that it WILL be on her to let these people down. As PPs said this may mean you need to hire a DOC or security to make sure these people are turned away if they show up.
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