A very dear friend of mine is going through a lot of anxiety and turmoil and I want to help her as best I can, but I find it hard to relate to her personally because I have never been engaged. Plus, I can't talk about it with certain people, because it is obviously very private.
So, she has been dating this guy since 2011. He proposed last November and she said yes. But she has been panicking over whether or not he is "the one." She feels like she loves him, but has never been IN LOVE with him. She tends to intellectualize things a lot, however. When I have seen them together, the way she looks at him really seems to me like she looks in love. The only guys she thinks she was in love with were guys who had a lot of cheesy lines and emotionally weren't available. This guy loves her so much. But she has all these doubts. She says that they don't have a lot of deep conversations. I suggested that she start having more. I almost feel like she is afraid to start one with him. She thinks that they are too alike, although I don't. I asked her last night what is keeping her from breaking up with him (not in a confrontational way at all - I was asking her in a way of finding out what is leading to her ambivalence), and she said that she can't imagine not being with him, and she thinks her family would disapprove of her. She has said that if she breaks the engagement, she feels like she should just give up on love.
I am afraid that she is settling, and, if she decides to marry him, she will keep going back and forth for the rest of her life. She says that she feels like something is missing, and that she should KNOW that he is "the one." But I don't know, I haven't had that experience yet, so it is hard to speak from experience. She keeps delaying her decision, which gets more and more awkward the longer time passes.
He is a wonderful guy, and will be really heartbroken, obviously. But I also feel like he deserves to marry someone who wants to be with him and doesn't have to question it all the time. And I am sure she feels the same way but is so afraid of hurting him.
I am also worried that her fears and anxiety about the future could also be what is really making her feel this way, and that she could be losing an opportunity to be with a guy who could make her happy the rest of her life. Can any of yall please offer some insight on whether you have gone through this process, and what ultimately led you to continue in the relationship? I just see her suffering so much in her indecision, and her shame at even thinking this way, that I want to help her in any way that I can.
I hope I explained myself. If you have additional questions, feel free to ask. Thank you so much with whatever insight you can offer.
Carolyn