This is *probably* a minuscule problem, but...

missteacherlady16

I'm less than two months from the wedding and the stress is starting to add up so that little problems feel a hell of a lot bigger than they are. I need some help/counsel/advice/words of encouragement/etc

My FI's sister is one of our groomsmen. She is down with wearing a tux, no problems there, but she did request that she not wear the jacket since most places really don't tailor to women (and I knew we'd be going to MW). That wasn't really an issue except that I thought if ANYone should be sticking out, it should be FI, and not one of the groomsmen. So FI and decided that our groomsmen would not wear jackets (vests only) and FI would wear the full tux with jacket (for the ceremony). Crisis averted - yay!

Well, we finally went over the MW and set the group up and go FI fitted/measured. I wasn't crazy about the color ties they had at MW so I am opting to look elsewhere (with the help of my super fantastic and supportive MOH - just figured she deserved a shout out). I mentioned this to the group that I'd be providing them with the ties once I located them. We also decided that FI will don a bowtie while the others wear a standard tie to further set him apart. Except FSIL doesn't want to wear a tie at all...

On one hand, I get it. It's not a feminine look. But on the other hand, I think it will look silly if FI is wearing a bow tie, three groomsmen are wearing a regular tie and she is wearing no tie. I guess I'm just annoyed that so far all the decisions revolving around what FI wears have been based on her preferences, not our own (though to be fair, I suppose it's my preference since FI doesn't have much of an opinion about this stuff).

So I guess...do I talk to FSIL about it and ask her to suck it up and wear a tie (which she can take off after the ceremony and pictures) or do I just ride this one out? The only other thing I was thinking about was having it so that ONLY FI is wearing a tie but I'm afraid it will look too casual if the other guys are not.

Thoughts, comments, advice to preserve my sanity?

NYCMercedes

missteacherlady16 said:

I'm less than two months from the wedding and the stress is starting to add up so that little problems feel a hell of a lot bigger than they are. I need some help/counsel/advice/words of encouragement/etc

My FI's sister is one of our groomsmen. She is down with wearing a tux, no problems there, but she did request that she not wear the jacket since most places really don't tailor to women (and I knew we'd be going to MW). That wasn't really an issue except that I thought if ANYone should be sticking out, it should be FI, and not one of the groomsmen. So FI and decided that our groomsmen would not wear jackets (vests only) and FI would wear the full tux with jacket (for the ceremony). Crisis averted - yay!

Well, we finally went over the MW and set the group up and go FI fitted/measured. I wasn't crazy about the color ties they had at MW so I am opting to look elsewhere (with the help of my super fantastic and supportive MOH - just figured she deserved a shout out). I mentioned this to the group that I'd be providing them with the ties once I located them. We also decided that FI will don a bowtie while the others wear a standard tie to further set him apart. Except FSIL doesn't want to wear a tie at all...

On one hand, I get it. It's not a feminine look. But on the other hand, I think it will look silly if FI is wearing a bow tie, three groomsmen are wearing a regular tie and she is wearing no tie. I guess I'm just annoyed that so far all the decisions revolving around what FI wears have been based on her preferences, not our own (though to be fair, I suppose it's my preference since FI doesn't have much of an opinion about this stuff).

So I guess...do I talk to FSIL about it and ask her to suck it up and wear a tie (which she can take off after the ceremony and pictures) or do I just ride this one out? The only other thing I was thinking about was having it so that ONLY FI is wearing a tie but I'm afraid it will look too casual if the other guys are not.

Thoughts, comments, advice to preserve my sanity?

I think the first concession was major and this one you're considering is teeny tiny. Ties are just so unimportant. She's going to look different than the men regardless anything you try to do because she's a woman. Maybe she can just wear some big ole black pearl strands in her open collar shirt. Think coordinating, not matching.

Maggie0829

My first question is who decided that FSIL wear a tux?  Did she want to wear one or did your FI want her to wear one?  Why is she not in a dress if she wants to feel feminine?  I mean you say she is fine wearing a tux but it doesn't seem that way if she doesn't really want to wear the components of it.

Second, please don't break up a tux.  A tux is a tux.  It is not something that you can break up and only wear a piece or two without it looking kind of ridiculous.

Third, why not have your FI wear a nice black suit with X color tie and then have the rest of the GMs wear black dress pants with a nice white crisp shirt and Y color tie.  Then your FSIL could wear women dress pants, a dressy womans white blouse and then carry a small bouquet in the color of the GMs ties.

MobKaz

Maggie0829 said:

My first question is who decided that FSIL wear a tux?  Did she want to wear one or did your FI want her to wear one?  Why is she not in a dress if she wants to feel feminine?  I mean you say she is fine wearing a tux but it doesn't seem that way if she doesn't really want to wear the components of it.

Second, please don't break up a tux.  A tux is a tux.  It is not something that you can break up and only wear a piece or two without it looking kind of ridiculous.

Third, why not have your FI wear a nice black suit with X color tie and then have the rest of the GMs wear black dress pants with a nice white crisp shirt and Y color tie.  Then your FSIL could wear women dress pants, a dressy womans white blouse and then carry a small bouquet in the color of the GMs ties.

That is the $64,000 question.

lilacck28

I think what the wedding party wears is up to the bride and groom, if they take the wedding party's preferences and budgets into account. So, if you are that interested in her wearing a tie, then sure, you can ask her to. I'm not going to get into the whole gender identity bit here, but suffice it to say, if she is uncomfortable with wearing a tie because it does not match her identity, then you should not make her and should not have asked her to be a part of the wedding party if you knew you wanted everyone on your FI's side to dress a certain way but that it would make her uncomfortable to do so. But you did ask her, and I think that it is wonderful that you have. So, basically, how uncomfortable is she with wearing a tie? I would ask her. If she really does not want to, I wouldn't force the issue, and I wouldn't change the attire for anyone else either. I do not think it will look strange to have your fiance in a bow tie, your groomsmen in ties, and your groomswoman in just a vest. She's going to look different from your groomsmen no matter what, because she is not a man. A tie won't make a difference. And no one will be staring at her during the ceremony, they'll be looking at you and your fiance.

lilacck28

The knot ate my paragraphs.

climbingsingle

Why are you making her wear menswear? I don't understand.

missteacherlady16

She did. She wore a suit to her own wedding. She probably didn't wear a tie (I don't remember) but then again, it was her wedding.

missteacherlady16

Because that's what she normally wears.

Maggie0829

But was it a womans suit or a man's suit?  Those are two very different things and are cut very differently.  Wearing a suit is fine but if she wants to feel a bit more feminine making her wear a man's suit/tux is not going to do that.  Why not just let her wear a black woman's suit of her choosing?

missteacherlady16

Guys,

FSIL is wearing a tux because she normally dresses on the masculine side. She has short hair like a man too. I understand her not wanting to wear a jacket and since it's a summer, outdoor wedding, I am A OK with her not wearing a jacket. In fact, I happen to like the look of the vest and dress pants. 

Although FI doesn't have many opinions, he is pretty dead set on the bow tie. 

To reiterate, I AM NOT forcing her to wear a tux. She wanted to do. Just not the jacket and now, apparently, the tie. 

ETA: She hasn't voluntarily worn a dress since high school. 

missteacherlady16

I'll just bite the bullet on this one.

I'm stressed out and being ridiculous. 

Thanks everyone! 

lilacck28

I get your frustration with adapting what the groomsmen are wearing because of her tastes. My FBIL does not have a suit and is not going to purchase one. His mother does not want to purchase one for him (he's 21). I got the hint, so I compromised and said "a grey suit, or grey pants and a navy blazer". I've been told "he'll never need a suit! We'll get him a navy blazer". So now the rest of my groomsmen will be in navy blazers. I'm okay with the look, otherwise I would not have offered it as a suggestion. But I do feel a little bit... miffed? every once in a while when I think about the fact that that decision was based solely on making my FBIL and FMIL happy. Still, that's what happens when you have a wedding party. It's no longer all about you and your preferences anymore since you are introducing different people into  the mix. 

Like I said before, I  don't think it will look odd or anyone will really notice/ think twice if she doesn't wear a tie but all the other groomsmen do. 

jules3964

lilacck28 said:

Like I said before, I  don't think it will look odd or anyone will really notice/ think twice if she doesn't wear a tie but all the other groomsmen do. 

This. Especially since it wouldn't look weird for her to wear a dress, either.

Senecaf

I think it would be alright if she goes without a tie. Many times people do something to make their best man or MOH stand out. Like a different color dress or something. Just think of it that way. Not that you have to alter the atire of your entire party for her.

You said yourself you don't even know what kind of neckwear she had at her own wedding. All eyes were on here and her spouse that day and still you didn't notice. No one will notice what she has on.

ETA -relax! Try not to work yourself up over it. It's not worth it!

southernbelle0915

It sounds like she has her own personal style. I would let her decide about the tie and just leave it alone after that. 

AddieCake

Nobody will care about her tie or lack of tie.

QueerFemme

No one will care about the lack of tie, but seriously, the mens wearhouse tuxes can be properly fitted for a female body.   My partner wore a tux (purchased from mens wearhouse) and the two people standing on my partner's side both wanted to wear tuxes.   As you can see in the photo below, they look perfectly fine.  The one on the far left was 6 months pregnant.    

Personally, I'd ask her to wear the jacket for the ceremony and photos and then she can take it off.  The tie is not a big deal to me.

 

missteacherlady16

missteacherlady16 said:

I'll just bite the bullet on this one.

I'm stressed out and being ridiculous. 

Thanks everyone! 

doeydo

Hmm, I would say if she wants to wear a tuxedo like the groomsmen are then she can wear one made for a woman and have the same coloured tie, shirt, etc.  Kind of what I mean:

artbyallie

Could she maybe wear a black blazer cut for a woman that she already owns? I have to say though, as a guest I would be more bothered by the men wearing tux components with no jacket than by anything she might wear. Could you maybe skip Men's Wearhouse altogether and just have all the groom's attendants wear whatever dark suit they already own? That's what we did.

missteacherlady16

artbyallie said:

Could she maybe wear a black blazer cut for a woman that she already owns? I have to say though, as a guest I would be more bothered by the men wearing tux components with no jacket than by anything she might wear. Could you maybe skip Men's Wearhouse altogether and just have all the groom's attendants wear whatever dark suit they already own? That's what we did.

Would you be so bothered that you wouldn't have a good time at the wedding? 

It's a summer wedding. Even if I had everyone wearing their jackets, they would be coming off directly following the ceremony.

Both FI and I like this look http://www.100layercake.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/ranch-wedding-41.jpg

I know off the top of my head that at least half of the groomsmen do not already own a suit (let alone a gray one). 

FSIL said she is fine wearing a men's tux - it was one of the first things we talked about when FI asked her to be a groomsmen. Her only request was that she not wear the jacket, and as I said, I was happy to oblige since FI and I like the way it looks. 

After reading everyone's responses that were actually in regards to the tie situation (and not so much the set in stone decision to not have the GM wear jackets with their tuxes), I have decided that it is fine and I was having a negative reaction to the amount of stress that I am assuming is normal when you are just over a month away from your wedding day.

Thank you everyone for your advice/comments/opinions/words of encouragement/etc, it has been greatly appreciated

theartistformerlyknownas

You're definitely overthinking this. I can't remember what kind of ties groomsmen/women have worn at any wedding I've been to. And like Doey showed in the pics, it's ok for the pictures if they look slightly different. The groom will still stand out.

artbyallie

It's not that I wouldn't enjoy the wedding, but I would at least be distracted and likely not paying as much attention to the words being spoken.

The vests in the picture you linked to are not tux vests. Tux vests are not made to be worn sans jacket. Your link shows waistcoats.

missteacherlady16

lolo883 said:

You're definitely overthinking this. I can't remember what kind of ties groomsmen/women have worn at any wedding I've been to. And like Doey showed in the pics, it's ok for the pictures if they look slightly different. The groom will still stand out.

I know I said it at least three times now. Thanks though!

missteacherlady16

artbyallie said:

It's not that I wouldn't enjoy the wedding, but I would at least be distracted and likely not paying as much attention to the words being spoken.

The vests in the picture you linked to are not tux vests. Tux vests are not made to be worn sans jacket. Your link shows waistcoats.

So then I have the terminology wrong, because that's what we picked out. The GM will be wearing waistcoats. I'm sorry you would be distracted that much by attire that you would fail to notice the ceremony taking place.

weddingcactus

Why not ask her if there is some accessory she would feel comfortable wearing in the color of the ties the groomsmen will be wearing? Perhaps a necklace or scarf? If not, then I wouldn't stress about it. Or if it bothers you enough that you want to talk to her about it, try showing her some inspiration pictures of groomswomen wearing ties.