Wedding Party

dealing with super inappropriate guest?

lucieannelucieanne member
First Comment First Anniversary
edited July 2014 in Wedding Party
I love my friend "Sam" (name changed) dearly but his social skills can be SUPER inappropriate. When we're alone he's sweet as can be, but with new people, after a few moments of meeting them he will start to ask very inappropriate and intimate questions or talk about inappropriately personal things, like details of his sex life (how many times can I say 'inappropriate' in one sentence?). I think that he really thrives on the attention and prides himself on being so "open" about things that are considered by everyone else as "private." We've been friends since high school, but his immaturity has really put distance in our friendship. 

He is being brought as a guest to our rehearsal dinner. I intentionally did not invite him to the rehearsal because of his awkward and offensive outbursts (my fiance's family is pretty conservative), but someone else (who is in the wedding) is bringing him as a guest, and I'm not about to tell someone they can't bring their guest of choice because his behavior is offensive.

As shallow as this sounds, a part of me is afraid of being judged based on my friend. I mean we're talking about my future in-laws...is that understandable? But I'm also of course worried about him offending someone by asking if they like blow jobs, or something (seriously...he could do it). 

Advice?

Re: dealing with super inappropriate guest?

  • Right off the bat I'm curious to know why you feel we should know he is your gay best friend. You know, as opposed to someone who is straight. It's unnecessary information. Then again, maybe we SHOULD read into this. You say he's open about sexuality. Is it possible he's trying to compensate for his "straight best friend" who feels she has to point out that he's gay to internet strangers, as though his sexual identity is pertinent to the problem?

    His problem is that he asks inappropriate questions. Have you tried asking him to stop? Has anyone pointed out to him that his questions make them feel uncomfortable?

    You could allow guests to only bring their significant others and not random Plus 1s.
    There is also the chance that only he and his date will be judged, and not you since you didn't invite him nor or you actively encouraging his immaturity.

    I would hope that who ever he questions at your rehearsal shuts him down if they feel the question is inappropriate. If they don't you can choose to either swoop in and offer some bean dip... or allow two adults engage in an open and honest discussion involving a topic of their own choosing.
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  • NymeruNymeru member
    250 Love Its 100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    I'd pull him aside and be very honest with him about how you feel and what you're worried about (does he know that he makes people uncomfortable?).  If he can't agree to tone it down and keep everything appropriate, don't allow him to come to the RD if he's not someone's SO.  If he's truly your friend, he should appreciate how you feel and respect your request to save the below-the-belt conversations for another time.
  • lucieanne said:
    I love my "gay best friend" dearly but his social skills can be SUPER inappropriate. When we're alone he's sweet as can be, but with new people, after a few moments of meeting them he will start to ask very inappropriate and intimate questions or talk about inappropriately personal things, like details of his sex life (how many times can I say 'inappropriate' in one sentence?). I think that he really thrives on the attention and prides himself on being so "open" about things that are considered by everyone else as "private." We've been friends since high school, but his immaturity has really put distance in our friendship. 

    He is being brought as a guest to our rehearsal dinner. I intentionally did not invite him to the rehearsal because of his awkward and offensive outbursts (my fiance's family is pretty conservative), but someone else (who is in the wedding) is bringing him as a guest, and I'm not about to tell someone they can't bring their guest of choice because his behavior is offensive.

    As shallow as this sounds, a part of me is afraid of being judged based on my friend. I mean we're talking about my future in-laws...is that understandable? But I'm also of course worried about him offending someone by asking if they like blow jobs, or something (seriously...he could do it). 

    Advice?




  • lucieannelucieanne member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited July 2014
    Simply Fated - I have to respond to you because I think it's a really good point. Honestly, it just feels like I wouldn't be painting the whole picture of him without mentioning that he was gay. It's such a huge part of the way he identifies himself. I wouldn't say 'straight best friend' but none of my straight friends are super proud of being straight and it's not a subject that comes up every time we hang out. It is also indirectly pertinent to the question at hand because the inappropriate things he says are often related to him being gay (talking about anal sex, blow jobs, etc.). Now that's not MORE inappropriate than straight sex topics, but by adding one three-letter adjective before "best friend" maybe I felt like I was clarifying something about the types of comments he was making.

    His sexual identity is for sure not a problem to me. And yes, I brought it up to internet strangers, but I also brought up a lot more about his personality that has nothing to do with his sexuality.

    emmyg65 - thanks for the advice...I should have mentioned in my post that I've talked with him before, to no avail. I will definitely be talking with him again though.
  • Ok, using the term 'gay best friend' is clearly distracting from the actual topic at hand so I'm going to change it in my post. I appreciate everyone's input about it though, I will be more careful in the future so as not to offend anybody. 
  • Have a dry wedding? Just kidding.

    I would not have open mic for speeches (this sucks anyway). Otherwise, there's nothing you can do. He sounds pretty inappropriate and obnoxious to be talking about blow jobs and anal sex to strangers. It's pretty clear you can't control that, though. He's someone's date/plus one - not a direct invitee or the SO of anyone there. 

    Unless you're planning to tell the person they can't have a plus one, then you're stuck with him. You'll just have to focus your attention and energy elsewhere.
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  • lucieanne said:

    Simply Fated - I have to respond to you because I think it's a really good point. Honestly, it just feels like I wouldn't be painting the whole picture of him without mentioning that he was gay. It's such a huge part of the way he identifies himself. I wouldn't say 'straight best friend' but none of my straight friends are super proud of being straight and it's not a subject that comes up every time we hang out. It is also indirectly pertinent to the question at hand because the inappropriate things he says are often related to him being gay (talking about anal sex, blow jobs, etc.). Now that's not MORE inappropriate than straight sex topics, but by adding one three-letter adjective before "best friend" maybe I felt like I was clarifying something about the types of comments he was making.


    His sexual identity is for sure not a problem to me. And yes, I brought it up to internet strangers, but I also brought up a lot more about his personality that has nothing to do with his sexuality.

    emmyg65 - thanks for the advice...I should have mentioned in my post that I've talked with him before, to no avail. I will definitely be talking with him again though.
    Keep in mind, straight people participate in anal sex and blow jobs, too. Straight people talk about them, too.
    It's not a "gay" thing, it's a sex thing.

    The thing is, not everyone wants to talk about those topics, gay or straight. And certainly not at the RD. If you are comfortable enough to talk to him about it, let him know that you'd rather him stay away from those topics. However, he may see your request as more of a challenge, rather than a request. Like telling a little kid not to press the big red shiney button.
    You might be better off learning the art of bean dipping, which probsbly isn't how you intended to spend your time.
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  • lucieanne said:
     the inappropriate things he says are often related to him being gay (talking about anal sex, blow jobs, etc.). Now that's not MORE inappropriate than straight sex topics
    Straight people can't talk about or participate in anal or blow jobs anymore?!?
  • Instead of bringing it up cold, you could go out for a drink with him. If he talks about anything inappropriate, that would give you a natural/relaxed moment to ask him to be careful around your future in-laws. I have some friends that love to talk about sex - hell, I love to talk about it with them - but I trust that they'd be able to read the situation and keep it under wraps around certain crowds.
  • jneen101 said:
    lucieanne said:
     the inappropriate things he says are often related to him being gay (talking about anal sex, blow jobs, etc.). Now that's not MORE inappropriate than straight sex topics
    Straight people can't talk about or participate in anal or blow jobs anymore?!?
    I think the point that the PPs have been trying to make is that those things are inappropriate regardless of whether he or his audience is gay or straight.  That's why it was unnecessary to make a big deal of his being your "gay best friend."  Your "straight best friend" would have been just as out of line to make the comments.

    As to how to deal with it, I'd give a heads-up to the person who is bringing him that he has a history of inappropriate sexual talk that makes people, including others who will be at the dinner, uncomfortable to listen to (if they're not already aware of it), and he will be asked to leave if he behaves inapproprately.  That said, you might reassure the person bringing him that s/he will be welcome even if the other person is asked to leave (provided, of course, that the person bringing him is behaving appropriately).
  • Yeah exactly I don't understand why she couldn't just say "my friend discusses fucking people in the ass and sucking dicks" and then we all would have agreed that is inappropriate.
  • scribe95 said:
    If he is your best friend I don't see why you can't just pull him aside, point out that your new in-laws are super conservative, and ask him to watch the sex talk for an evening. Doesn't seem like a big deal to me. 
    OP mentioned that she has already done that to no avail.  Which is a bit rude of OP's friend - if he knows that there are people present who find it inappropriate, he shouldn't bring it up.  I think Jen4948 has a very good point - let the guest who is bringing him know that if the friend doesn't behave himself, he will be asked to leave.  Just make sure that this inappropriate friend knows without certainty that he is only being asked to leave if he makes inappropriate comments, and if he refrains he is more than welcome to stay. 

  • ladies can we stop hating about the gay thing I was not especially going out of my way to make sure RED ALERT: EVERYONE YOU NEED TO KNOW MY FRIEND IS GAY, it was just an adjective I used in passing that I have since taken back. I am aware that straight people can talk about anal sex and blow jobs but let's be real if you're telling me gay men have more vaginal sex then I close the book on this one. 
  • lucieanne said:
    ladies can we stop hating about the gay thing I was not especially going out of my way to make sure RED ALERT: EVERYONE YOU NEED TO KNOW MY FRIEND IS GAY, it was just an adjective I used in passing that I have since taken back. I am aware that straight people can talk about anal sex and blow jobs but let's be real if you're telling me gay men have more vaginal sex then I close the book on this one. 
    Please, pretty please, show me the post(s) that you think said that. 



  • Viczaesar said:
    lucieanne said:
    ladies can we stop hating about the gay thing I was not especially going out of my way to make sure RED ALERT: EVERYONE YOU NEED TO KNOW MY FRIEND IS GAY, it was just an adjective I used in passing that I have since taken back. I am aware that straight people can talk about anal sex and blow jobs but let's be real if you're telling me gay men have more vaginal sex then I close the book on this one. 
    Please, pretty please, show me the post(s) that you think said that. 
    this is kind of ridiculous. I'm sorry, I don't want to waste my time.

    Thanks everyone for your advice. I am sure everything will be fine with my buddy at the rehearsal, I'm excited for it. I have also learned something about using the term 'gay best friend.' I try to be sensitive to those kinds of things but didn't realize that term could be so offensive, my friend uses it to describe himself and I've never given it second thought. Take care!
  • lucieanne said:
    Viczaesar said:
    lucieanne said:
    ladies can we stop hating about the gay thing I was not especially going out of my way to make sure RED ALERT: EVERYONE YOU NEED TO KNOW MY FRIEND IS GAY, it was just an adjective I used in passing that I have since taken back. I am aware that straight people can talk about anal sex and blow jobs but let's be real if you're telling me gay men have more vaginal sex then I close the book on this one. 
    Please, pretty please, show me the post(s) that you think said that. 
    this is kind of ridiculous. I'm sorry, I don't want to waste my time.

    Thanks everyone for your advice. I am sure everything will be fine with my buddy at the rehearsal, I'm excited for it. I have also learned something about using the term 'gay best friend.' I try to be sensitive to those kinds of things but didn't realize that term could be so offensive, my friend uses it to describe himself and I've never given it second thought. Take care!
    In other words, you can't.  Because they don't exist.



  • I do not believe you can be "best friends" with this person if you are so judgmental about their behaviour. Surely this cannot be a new thing or new behaviour. Either you like being around them or you don't. And it sounds like you don't, but you like the idea of a "GBF" (which I won't touch on, as I think PP's have covered a lot of the issues I have with this term). You cannot change others nor expect them to be people they are not. 

    If your inlaws look down on you for the behaviour of another adult, then frankly, gavels and robes out, everyone! Because you all deserve each other in this super immature judge-fest.
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