Just desserts vs. evil irony

nancieraven

My BFF is a wedding planner who had a lux wedding funded by family. I found love late in life, so with 2 kids in tow (1each for me and FI), we are trying to plan our wedding. The idea was “just desserts” since we’re far past the appetizers (20’s) and main course (30’s) of life . Also, with having to buy a house for the kids, fund 3 college educations (FI is going back for his degree this Fall) and still funding our future retirement, we have to manage our priorities and budget. Anyway, the idea was to do just a short dessert reception after our evening church wedding 7 or 7:30 start time. Awesome coffee bar, fruits, tarts, pies, wine, wedding cake and a banana split bar (instead of grooms cake. It’s his FAVORITE). Convo w/ BFF goes like this: BFF: Nope, gotta feed the people food. Me: “Nope, can’t afford all that.” BFF: Then just elope. [omitting a few particularly thoughtless commentaries from her about my life] Me: I could do the full dinner thing if I kept it to just immediate parents, siblings and no friends. (I have a large family). Now here’s the kicker. She asked specifically to be a bridesmaid, which is what I WANT. But if I cut it to just my immediate family to satisfy “proper” hosting of guests, she not only doesn’t stand as an attendant, she wouldn’t be INVITED. So, I want to know how inappropriate is it to have a dessert-only reception (that is clear on the invitations), with a 1-hour ceremony starting at 7:30, then have dessert-only reception with cake cutting, first dance, toasts and that’s it? I don’t want to improperly host my guests, so honest feedback is welcome.

KeptInStitches

I don't think that's over a mealtime, so you're properly hosting your wedding. Sounds lovely, actually! I want an invite - I love dessert.

IrishPirate60

I certainly wouldn't expect dinner if the ceremony began at 7! Your dessert menu sounds wonderful.

Marzipan13

Hey, if anyone bails because they expected dinner, definitely let me know.  I would be there with bells on for a dessert reception!!  That sounds kick-ass. 

climbingsingle

I would expect dinner if the ceremony started at 7:30, even with the ceremony was an hour long. To me, that's dinner time. 

wrigleyville

I'd say it depends on your area and crowd. My family lives in a small town where 5:00-6:00 is the start time for dinner. H and I, however, live in Chicago, so 7:00-8:00 is dinner time for us. Personally, even in Chicago, if someone had a 7:30 ceremony, I would not expect dinner, especially if you said, "Dessert reception to follow," or something like that. I would likely eat before the ceremony and then enjoy your delicious banana split bar.

nancieraven

So, follow-up question.  If you had a cousin or long-time friend (but not bestie) whose 7:30 wedding  invitation said "desert-only reception", would you decline attending because of the hassle of no-dinner?

tammym1001

I would definitely attend and just make sure I had something to eat before I went. I read about app/dessert only receptions on here all the time and I wish that someone would invite me to one! They sound like fun.

KeptInStitches

Never. Again, I love dessert.

beachyone15

I would be happy to attend an event like that!
I'd probably eat a salad beforehand so I could gorge on desserts...

chasseuse

If it's clear that it's a dessert reception, I'd be happy to attend! If you have a lot of OOT guests, and are doing a website, it might be nice to make some recommendations for good restaurants in the area. The locals will know where to go and what to do, but some people would appreciate suggested places to grab a bite that are convenient to the ceremony location and wouldn't be too expensive but also wouldn't be so casual that they feel out of place in wedding attire.

It actually sounds like a great evening to me!

climbingsingle

nancieraven said:

So, follow-up question.  If you had a cousin or long-time friend (but not bestie) whose 7:30 wedding  invitation said "desert-only reception", would you decline attending because of the hassle of no-dinner?

No, I definitely wouldn't decline. I'd just make sure to eat dinner before I left. 

nancieraven

Awesome.  Now, just have to figure out how to get my perfect caterer to do a wedding!  This company does everything I want (chocolate fountains, cappucino stations, and dessert bars) but specifically told me they do corporate, not weddings.  sheesh!

slothiegal

Mmmmm I wanna come!!

NYCMercedes

nancieraven said:

Awesome.  Now, just have to figure out how to get my perfect caterer to do a wedding!  This company does everything I want (chocolate fountains, cappucino stations, and dessert bars) but specifically told me they do corporate, not weddings.  sheesh!

Tell them it's a merger, not a wedding.

nancieraven

NYCMercedes -  That's priceless and just made my day.  This wedding/marriage stuff is SO emotional.  I don't really have major problems, but I really needed that laugh.

emmaaa

I'm sorry but I would also expect a meal during that time. Why not do it during a non-mealtime and do desserts then? 

You asked if I would decline if it was from a distant cousin and specified that it was dessert only? No I wouldn't because I love weddings and family. I would make arrangements before I came.

However, I think it is important to host your guests at the proper time of day and to me 7:00 means supper.

scrunchythief

I think the time is pretty much fine, although maybe if you can, consider an 8 pm start time?  That might have things end late at night, but it would definitely be at a non-meal time.  

Also, since you mentioned an hour long church ceremony, do you come from a faith-tradition where if there is communion you need to fast beforehand?  DH and I are Catholic and that was something we took into consideration with the timing of food.  We knew we wanted a substantial cocktail hour since we knew many guests would have started fasting an hour before our hour long, lunchtime ceremony.

MegEn1

Just be clear about it. Some people here are saying 7:00pm is supper time, but you'll always find SOMEONE you're overlapping with. People who eat dinner at 9, people who eat dinner at 4:30. I think you're fine as long as you state it's a desert reception clearly. I also like the idea of recommending food in the area.

Congratulations, and please send me some chocolate. Kthx. 

RebeccaFlower

I think your wedding and reception sounds lovely. My only this, as someone who loves to dance at weddings, is I would be sad you did a first dance but weren't going to have dancing for everyone. I think it comes off as a little AWish, but that just may be me. 

I've written it several times here, I'm a little sick of the whole day marathon wedding that is so common (that's what I had) so I love your idea. 

rajahmd

Add me to those that would want dinner after a ceremony starting at 7 or 7:30. You have to take into account getting ready and travel time. 

If you're ceremony starts at 7:30, I'd probably aim to get there between 7 and 7:15. Let's say it's 15 minutes away from where I live- I'd have to leave by 6:45 or so. For a wedding, I'd want to be freshly showered, dressed nice, probably make up. That all takes time. Chances are I'd either have to eat dinner really early and risk being hungry by the time the ceremony ends, or grab some fast food on the way to the wedding and risk getting my clothes dirty or messing up my makeup.

Can you push it back any further? Even starting at 8pm would give guests a little bit more time and make the day a bit more manageable.

Viczaesar

ClimbingBrideNY said:

I would expect dinner if the ceremony started at 7:30, even with the ceremony was an hour long. To me, that's dinner time. 

This.  I think dessert-only receptions need to start no earlier than 8 pm. 

AddieCake

I would want dinner at that time b/c I would have been getting ready and driving to the wedding location during my regular dinner time. 

CMGragain

I did this in 1976.  I worked retail, so my co-workers could come later at night with that timing.

mysticl

Personally, I think a meal should always be served.  When you throw in people's getting ready and travel time you are looking at hours since they have last eaten.  Especially if they are used to wedding reception=meal and therefore figure they will eat at the reception.  

With that being said, if the invite clearly indicated that it was a dessert reception I would not decline for that reason because then I would know that I had to work dinner into my schedule for the evening. So I think it's fine as long as you are clear that it is not a full dinner.   

JCbride2015

A dessert reception is totally acceptable.  Personally I don't have a sweet tooth so I might also want some late-night snacks (popcorn is cheap and easy, a taco bar is fun) but I know I'm in the minority and I would find something to eat regardless.

If the ceremony started at 7:30, I would expect enough food to constitute a meal.  That's dinnertime here (NYC).  I think 8:00 is the earliest you can start something like this.  But if you are having a really heavy dessert/snacks reception that would satisfy dinner anyway, you're good at any time.

And I just have to say this because I am a former English teacher/ budding attorney and am a stickler for correct English usage.  The correct phrase is "just deserts" with one s, because it derives from the word deserve, not dessert.  It's like getting what you deserve-- getting your just deserts.  Weird but true.  You can make the choice to intentionally spell it "desserts" as a funny pun, just be aware it's a pun.

April192002

I think the time also depends on the day of the week! If you are looking at saving money and have it M-F, the 7 would probably need a meal. I wasn't able to take a day, or half day, off for my friend's wedding and had to drive across town. I left work at 5:00 and made it there at 6:15 for a 6:30 wedding, which started late. If the start time was 7:00, that would have given FI enough time to get home from work and change, me to pick him up, and us head over there - but not much time to even grab a quick bite to eat.

If you're looking at Sat or Sun evening, I still think people would expect a meal for a 7:00 start time but if you made it known that it's dessert only, they can plan on eating at 5 or 9. If you're looking at going inexpensive, I recommend going with a 2/2:30 ceremony so serving light food is more appropriate.

nancieraven

Yes, it's a Catholic ceremony, but since he's Protestant, we are doing the Marriage Rite w/o a Mass.

nancieraven

 

And I just have to say this because I am a former English teacher/ budding attorney and am a stickler for correct English usage.  The correct phrase is "just deserts" with one s, because it derives from the word deserve, not dessert.  It's like getting what you deserve-- getting your just deserts.  Weird but true.  You can make the choice to intentionally spell it "desserts" as a funny pun, just be aware it's a pun.

I am well-aware of the pun and the proper meaning and history of the phrase "just deserts" (that's why I picked it).  I am actually torn with how to spell it in our materials because the idea is exactly that:  "just deserts" as in we are finally getting the the person that we deserve.  If I go with the dessert-only or elaborate dessert theme, I may go with the double-s and explain the tie-in. 

I'll keep taking feedback.  Again, I wouldn't want to do anything inappropriate with regard to hosting our guests, but I would hope my bestie (who raised the concern in the first place) wouldn't think my exclusion of ALL non-relatives in order to provide an appropriate meal option was, well, "snarky."

PrincessOfHavoc

Here, 6:30 is the usual cut off for required meal. If you go for 7:30 or later, dessert only would be fine to me. Could you add in some cheese and fruit or crackers or something not sweet for those who might need a break from sugar?

Granted, dessert only and I'm showing up no matter the time. I'll figure out how to eat before.

LondonLisa

If the ceremony started anytime before 8 I would definitely expect dinner. I would love a dessert reception, but I would be starving. 7/7:30 is prime dinner time where I am from. I would suggest to move it to at least 8pm.