UPDATE bridesmaid dress vent

lilacck28

I've posted a few times on these boards about  my bridesmaid dress issues. I started with "any short pastel dress" and shifted to "a short navy dress" when my FMIL bought FSIL a bright orange floral dress that looked "springy, so would go with your theme" that was a very nice dress, but very bright and hard to coordinate with. FSIL has a navy dress for a cousin's wedding, so I switched my tune and said "navy now! that dress you have already would work!" No big deal. I like navy, and navy goes well with mint and peach and all the other colors I like. 

All of that was fine, until yesterday. I went out to eat with one of my bridesmaids (I have three, including FSIL) and her mom. She asked about my decision for the dress and I said "short, navy." Her mom said "oh! you just bought one!" and I thought "GREAT!!!" because I don't want my friends to have to spend much, and I want them to like the dress. I showed my friend a picture of FSIL in the dress and she goes "That's the same one I just bought!"

At first I was tickled pink. And then I realized, FSIL and friend bought this dress at marshall's, so it won't be easy to find for bridesmaid #3. And it isn't. Friend bridesmaid took a picture of the tag, and I looked up the brand-- the dress is no where to be found. And I have 3 bridesmaids, so one wearing something different will be (maybe, for anyone who looks)  obvious. This doesn't bother me aesthetically. A short navy dress that is slightly different from the other two short navy dresses? Either no one will notice, or people will just think she's the maid of honor. No big deal. 

Except friend bridesmaid is very competitive with bridesmaid number 3 and would hate that perception (she asked me a lot "who is your MOH???" I said "I guess FSIL but I don't really see a distinction between you three." I know friend bridesmaid well. She would like the title, but is okay as long as MOH is a relative as opposed to a friend. I DGAF about bridesmaid vs. MOH.) Also, bridesmaid number 3 is REALLY into matching. She would definitely want to match and would be quite bothered by not matching. She was very disturbed by my initial suggestion that they buy "any short pastel dress." I had finally convinced her that 3 mismatched navy dresses would look fine, and that she wouldn't look like the odd man out. Oy vey. 

Obviously, other than hunting for this marshall's dress there's nothing any of us can do (unless you all have magical solutions), and this is more the problem of the two friend bridesmaids getting over it but... I wanted this to be easy for them! And so far, its been a headache! End vent. 

UPDATE: at end of discussion

lilacck28

How to describe Marshall's... it's a discount store, like tj maxx (they're owned by the same company actually). Each location of the store has different items, so you never know what you'll find there, and there's no online shopping function. 

It is a sleeveless navy shift dress with a scalloped bottom hem by "monteau los angeles". I've never heard of the brand before, and it doesn't look like they have an online presence? My googling skills might be a lot worse than I realized though. 

We're going to fiance's house for dinner tonight, so I'm going to search out the style number on FSIL's dress, so maybe I'll have better luck than just googling the description I mentioned above. 

ps- I have a picture of the dress on my phone which I'm trying to email to myself so I can attach it here, but my phone is not cooperating. Hopefully I will be able to attach an image soon. 

ETA: Okay, the phone didn't work.... but here's the dress, and then followed by the dress in red (i think you can see the dress a little better...) The website I found these pictures, which looks like this woman's style blog, just says "Monteau dress from TJ Maxx": 

Pepperally

Oh man that sucks. Marshall's is not exactly the place to rely on finding any item twice. Sometimes they only have one style dress in one size only so it's a real crapshoot if you wanted multiple sizes in that same dress. The only help I can offer is that TJMaxx will often times have the exact same stuff as Marshall's. Seems like in my area there is a TJMaxx even in the same shopping plazas as Marshall's, I always go to both on the same trip and notice they have the exact same clothes and decor as if they both got shipments from the same place. So if you have both stores definitely check both.

lilacck28

http://factory.jcrew.com/womens-clothing/dresses/Day_Dresses/PRDOVR~A3744/A3744.jsp?color_name=bright-poppy

I just found the above very similar dress. The only difference is this dress has scalloping along the arm holes as well... And maybe the zipper is different. The dress is going for $70, which is definitely within my bridesmaid's budget, but the Marshall's dress the other two found was $20. Though my friend loves JCrew.... 

It's still so early. I'm not getting married until next May. Should my bridesmaid just buy this substitute? Or should we just start looking in Marshall's? And maybe FSIL will grow out of the dress? (she's 15, almost 16 right now.) Ugh. I think I'm over complicating this.... 

ETA: JCrew only has the above dress in a 00 and a 2, but my bridesmaid needs a 0 (I want to hate her for that size!!!). So she'd have to get it altered to a 0 which is more money for her. gah. 

lilacck28

Update: I spoke to all parties involved. Bridesmaid #3 is doing something with family and didn't have internet, so I bought the dress for her. We're all getting together in a few weeks, and we'll exchange the dress for a check/ cash then. I hope she likes the dress. Since the other two got to pick it themselves and KNOW they like it, I would feel badly if she didn't like it. Especially since this will cost her more than the other two spent. Her budget for dress alone was $150, but I hope the $80 dress won't go above that with alterations. And if we end up finding the Marshall's dress... I'll eat the cost of this new one and donate it if it isn't possible to return. Man, bridesmaid dresses are stressful! I drove fiance crazy this morning, and he kept asking me"why are we having a wedding party again?"

bethsmiles

You are having your BMs buy their dresses really early and I think you are way over complicating this. It sounds like you didn't care if their dresses matched to start with so I think you need to let it go now. 

If you are letting all of them pick and buy their own dress then just let them do that. I think you need to remove yourself from the process at this point.

phira

I'm also leaving dresses up to bridesmaids (they can still wear ANY dress they want so long as it's not long and navy blue, or long and white/off-white), and I think that one thing you have to do to make that work is to stick with your plan and not get involved.

So if you say, "Any short navy blue dress," then you need to be able to stick with that even when bridesmaids say, "But I/we want to match!" That's officially not your problem.

I know that you've now bought the more expensive, similar dress, but from this point on, I would just entirely let the issue go, especially since you're so far out from the wedding. Next time it comes up, pick a line and stick to it: "I'm letting you each choose your own dress. I've got a lot of other wedding planning things on my plate right now, and what matters to me is that the three of you are all standing up with me on my wedding day. If it's important for you to match each other, that's fine, but I'm not going to have an opinion on it."

bethsmiles

I have to say, I don't think it was a good idea to buy the dress for her. Now you've put her in a position where it will be difficult to say she doesn't like it because you've already spent money.

lilacck28

Yeah, you've all been witness to a lilacck28 freak out / bsc moment. If the dress doesn't fit, or she doesn't like it, I'll return it. When I found out the two were going to match, I told 3 and her response was " find me the dress!". I asked her before buying it if she wanted it, and told her I didn't mind at all if they don't match. She said to get it. So I did. But you're right, I should have said from the get go " I don't care, you guys figure it out" but I didn't want it to be difficult for anyone. I went bsc. *hangs head*

lilacck28

Also, from the get go, 3 told me she wanted me to pick the dress for her. So I guess it worked out the way she said she wanted? We'll see how this goes in A few weeks...

I feel so ridiculous right now. Time to breath.

phira

Yeah, I mean, I understand that she wanted you to pick her dress, but like I said, one of the difficulties with having bridesmaids pick their own dresses is that you need to actually let them pick their own dresses. Normally, it's more of an issue that bridesmaids are told they can choose and then their choices end up being nixed constantly by the bride or the couple, and/or a dress ends up being picked for them anyway. I know that when I was allowed to pick my own knee-length light purple dress, I ended up having so few options because the bride said no to everything I liked in my price range (wrong fabric, not romantic enough, etc).

Again, you don't have a time machine (although if you do, I'd love to borrow it), so going forward, I'd just STOP putting effort into this and if bridesmaid 3 gets all, "You need to pick my dress!" and bridesmaid 2 gets all, "No, but now we're not matching!" you either:

1) remind them that you're not picking the dress, so this wedding decision is theirs and theirs alone, or

2) say, "Okay, then I'll pick a dress for you," and go traditional by picking out dresses for them.

carliealissa

lilacck28 said:

How to describe Marshall's... it's a discount store, like tj maxx (they're owned by the same company actually). Each location of the store has different items, so you never know what you'll find there, and there's no online shopping function. 

It is a sleeveless navy shift dress with a scalloped bottom hem by "monteau los angeles". I've never heard of the brand before, and it doesn't look like they have an online presence? My googling skills might be a lot worse than I realized though. 

We're going to fiance's house for dinner tonight, so I'm going to search out the style number on FSIL's dress, so maybe I'll have better luck than just googling the description I mentioned above. 

ps- I have a picture of the dress on my phone which I'm trying to email to myself so I can attach it here, but my phone is not cooperating. Hopefully I will be able to attach an image soon. 

ETA: Okay, the phone didn't work.... but here's the dress, and then followed by the dress in red (i think you can see the dress a little better...) The website I found these pictures, which looks like this woman's style blog, just says "Monteau dress from TJ Maxx": 

The dress in your first picture is scalloped at the arms as well- is this actually the J Crew one?  The dresses are VERY similar!  Hopefully everyone will be happy!

luckya23

If the dress was only $20, (did someone already own it?), maybe the one who bought it first or specifically for the wedding gets to keep it, and the other 2 need to find something else.

Of course this is only a problem if the J Crew doesn't work out.

Just keep in mind that Marshall's return period is only 30 days.

 

lilacck28

@carliealissa yeah, I realized afterwards that the top navy dress is actually the jcrew dress, the bottom red dress is the marshall's dress (though my FSIL and friend have it in navy). 

@kelani23 The people who bought the marshall's dresses just bought them on their own, so it wouldn't make sense for them to return it.

 If the jcrew dress doesn't work out, then we'll return it and she'll just pick a different navy dress that she likes.  There's a 60 day return period so we should be fine.The other girls (well, bridesmaid 2) will either get over not matching, or get another dress. I'm leaving it up to them though. 

lilacck28

Just wanted to update! I received the JCrew dress and gave it to my bridesmaid about two weeks ago. Difference in the dresses is minimal. Besides the scalloping around the arms, the marshall's dress is a thinner fabric, more like crepe, and has a gold zipper down the back. The JCrew dress is a thicker material with an invisible zipper. 

She tried it on. It IS a little big on her. The girl is a true 0! She might get it altered, but I don't think it looks bad. She could decide to wear it as is and she'd look pretty (because she is pretty! and a size 0! again, I want to hate... but she's such a good friend, so I can't. Not going to lie, I am a just a touch worried about standing next to her and looking like a cow. insecurities are annoying.)

 She seemed genuinely happy with the dress. She commented "I can actually wear this again! To work, or with a funky necklace out!". I told her that if she didn't like it, I had absolutely no problem returning it and her picking out whatever short navy dress she liked. She said "no! I wanted to match, and I love JCrew, so I got what I wanted." And, $80 was under her $150 or less budget, plus some room for alterations. She wrote me a check, and that was that. Dress is now hers. 

 So, maybe she was exaggerating for my benefit about liking the dress, but when I first spoke to her she was the one who told me she wanted me to pick the dress for her, so... I'm just no longer worrying about it. Thanks for all your advice! 

 ETA: added the paragraphs that the knot stole from me!

bethsmiles

I'm glad it all worked out

lilacck28

thanks! I've found looking for bridesmaid's dresses to be the most difficult/ eye opening experience when it comes to wedding planning so far. I realized that I DO care about what they wear, in that I wanted them to be coordinating, but mostly I just wanted to please everyone. I originally wanted them to wear pastel flowy dresses, but I threw that out the window to please people who were worried about looking too pale and who wanted to match, and to avoid an orange floral dress situation. I'm fine with the casual/ preppy look I've ended up with since I'm having a brunch wedding (they're not too casual I hope!), but I've really learned that I need to just stand up for myself and worry less about pleasing everyone. Because bending for everyone ends up resulting in conflict anyway! Lesson for future knotties!