Catholic ceremony confusion

JMS62415

I'm Catholic and FI is non-denominational Christian. He wants us to have a Catholic ceremony because it's important to me but I'm worried none of his family will know what the heck is going on for the hour long mass. I don't want them sitting there in confusion the whole time. Is there a way I can help them understand the ceremony better? I don't want it to be tacky or rude, whatever it is we choose. 

CMGragain

Many of the younger guests at my daughter's Methodist wedding had never been to a Christian wedding before!  They went with the flow, and were surprised at some of the traditions.  The minister took this as an opportunity to explain some of our faith during the homily.
If guests are protestant, they will not be surprised at anything in a Catholic service, since most protestant church services are based on the form of the mass.  The priest should be aware if there are large numbers of non-Catholics, and he may do some explaining, like our minister did.

MobKaz

This is a very helpful wedding website and offers program templates....
http://www.catholicweddinghelp.com/wedding-planning/11-wedding-program.htm

As CMGragain has said, most priests assume non-Catholic guests are among the congregation.  As a matter of course they will direct the members to sit, stand, or kneel when necessary.  Often, non-Catholic participants will sit when the priest directs the congregation to kneel.  As a Catholic, I personally have no issue with this in terms of being offended.

emmyg65

Programs are your friend. We had a religious ceremony that was foreign to 80% of our guests (Quaker, also an hour long), and everyone was really intrigued and interested to see something new. The ceremony is the most important part of your wedding and it's essential to do something that's meaningful to you. Follow your heart. Your guests will come along.

Jen4948

Explanations of religious rituals is one instance at weddings in which programs are very useful.  You can use one to explain the different sections of the mass and the beliefs behind them, and when to stand, sit, kneel, etc., as well as anything that won't be in English (I don't know if your particular church uses Latin or any other language).

chasseuse

We are both Catholic, but half of the family isn't. I'm doing a very detailed program which will include the "new" responses and everything. I figure it will be useful for Catholics and non both!

JMS62415

Thank you guys so much! I'm definitely going to make a program

southernbelle0915

In addition to a program, make sure you check with the Church on any prerequisites for your FI to get married in the Catholic Church. We looked into this (H is Catholic, I'm not) and it was going to involve a lot of requirements and logistics in order for me to be allowed to be married there. It could have just been this particular congregation, but it's worth looking into wherever you are.

[Deleted User]

If I were a guest at your wedding I would appreciate a program since I'm not familiar with ceremony. It's easy to figure out the when to stand and when to sit part. But if the ceremony is longer, it would be nice to be able to reference the program ok, we're at this part of the ceremony, we still have this part to go.

speakeasy14

southernbelle0915 said:

In addition to a program, make sure you check with the Church on any prerequisites for your FI to get married in the Catholic Church. We looked into this (H is Catholic, I'm not) and it was going to involve a lot of requirements and logistics in order for me to be allowed to be married there. It could have just been this particular congregation, but it's worth looking into wherever you are.

SITB

Your faith is not rude or tacky to your guests; and should be true to your beliefs.  I am also Catholic but have been to many different religious ceremonies, and found those to be beautiful and gave me a better understanding of the couple.  I agree that you should have a program to help explain to guests what is going on.   

southernbelle0915 said, will have a lot of requirements and logistics before they allow the marriage.  

lilacck28

Um. This could be a very unpopular opinion but... I'm going to say it anyway! I am not religious. And that is a choice I have made quite deliberately, and with a lot of thought. 

I have friends who ARE religious, or at least more religious than I am. If I was going to their wedding, I would expect it to be in keeping with their beliefs. However, and I'm going to be really blunt here... IDGAF what the traditions associated with those beliefs are. 

They are meaningful to  people who adhere to them, and particularly to the couple getting married. I get that, and I respect that. I will most definitely understand that these particular traditions are part of their religious upbringing, and I understand the process of getting married. 

I don't need to know why a certain candle is being lit or why they are singing a certain song, etc etc. I don't go to a wedding to be taught about the minutiae of other people's beliefs. I go to a wedding to see a couple in love become united.

 Part of why I am NOT religious, is because I find it entirely patronizing and disrespectful to be treated like a child i.e. "see, we do this, because it makes God love us and that's why it's wonderful", or be essentially told that some one else's beliefs are better. (Too many people have tried to convert me for the sake of my poor soul. Blegh.)

 Anyway, my main point is, I don't think it is necessary to teach anyone about the traditions that will take place during your ceremony. My friends and family, and myself, would probably be annoyed if not insulted/ feel like you're proselytizing if you did. Maybe your friends and family feel differently, but it's something to consider.

holyguacamole79

For a Catholic wedding, I'm personally not a fan of a lot of explanations in the program, especially if there is a Mass for the wedding. The Mass is the highest form of worship for Catholics; people shouldn't tempt others with material to distract them during this. I did go to a wedding once where the bride was half Puerto Rican and half Indian. They incorporated a lot of the cultural traditions into the wedding and it was really cool to read about it in the programs. I sorta laughed that her Caucasian husband who came from an agnostic family had nothing "cool" to add to the ceremony, though.

lilacck28

sarahbear31 said:

For a Catholic wedding, I'm personally not a fan of a lot of explanations in the program, especially if there is a Mass for the wedding. The Mass is the highest form of worship for Catholics; people shouldn't tempt others with material to distract them during this. I did go to a wedding once where the bride was half Puerto Rican and half Indian. They incorporated a lot of the cultural traditions into the wedding and it was really cool to read about it in the programs. I sorta laughed that her Caucasian husband who came from an agnostic family had nothing "cool" to add to the ceremony, though.

Wait, so it's not okay to "interrupt" the mass with "tempting" descriptions in the program, but it okay to do so with other cultural traditions? (to be clear, my preference is no descriptions within the talking portions of the ceremony. I most likely would not take the time to read about them in the program either, but it wouldn't bother me nearly as much. Hypocrisy, however, does bother me quite a bit.)

And that last sentence.... just... ugh. I'm sure the groom and his family felt just fine. 

Marzipan13

Catholic ceremony = not rude.  Programs during ceremony = also not rude.

FI and I are printing simple programs (no explanations), just the order of the Mass, hymnal numbers, and acknowledgment of who's doing what during different parts of the Mass.  I love programs, myself - I always find it helpful to know where we're at in a wedding ceremony, especially if it's of another faith tradition that is not mine.  Not everyone's cup of tea, I understand, but we designed them ourselves and printed them ourselves, so... why not  *shrug*

Jen4948

lilacck28 said:

Um. This could be a very unpopular opinion but... I'm going to say it anyway! I am not religious. And that is a choice I have made quite deliberately, and with a lot of thought. 

I have friends who ARE religious, or at least more religious than I am. If I was going to their wedding, I would expect it to be in keeping with their beliefs. However, and I'm going to be really blunt here... IDGAF what the traditions associated with those beliefs are. 

They are meaningful to  people who adhere to them, and particularly to the couple getting married. I get that, and I respect that. I will most definitely understand that these particular traditions are part of their religious upbringing, and I understand the process of getting married. 

I don't need to know why a certain candle is being lit or why they are singing a certain song, etc etc. I don't go to a wedding to be taught about the minutiae of other people's beliefs. I go to a wedding to see a couple in love become united.

 Part of why I am NOT religious, is because I find it entirely patronizing and disrespectful to be treated like a child i.e. "see, we do this, because it makes God love us and that's why it's wonderful", or be essentially told that some one else's beliefs are better. (Too many people have tried to convert me for the sake of my poor soul. Blegh.)

 Anyway, my main point is, I don't think it is necessary to teach anyone about the traditions that will take place during your ceremony. My friends and family, and myself, would probably be annoyed if not insulted/ feel like you're proselytizing if you did. Maybe your friends and family feel differently, but it's something to consider.

Stuck in box...

The fact that YOU don't want to know about other people's traditions does not determine that others do not or that explaining it is either "unnecessary" or not useful to others.  I do find it necessary to understand how the rituals in someone else's faith other than my own make "two people in love become united."  So don't decide this for me.

[Deleted User]

Marzipan13 said:

Catholic ceremony = not rude.  Programs during ceremony = also not rude.

FI and I are printing simple programs (no explanations), just the order of the Mass, hymnal numbers, and acknowledgment of who's doing what during different parts of the Mass.  I love programs, myself - I always find it helpful to know where we're at in a wedding ceremony, especially if it's of another faith tradition that is not mine.  Not everyone's cup of tea, I understand, but we designed them ourselves and printed them ourselves, so... why not  *shrug*

It's funny that you say this- initially I didn't want programs, I thought they would be a waste of money even thought I myself love to see what's going on and where we are in the ceremony. We are having them because there is a lot more to our ceremony than I initially had thought and I don't want anyone to feel lost- most notably my parents.

lilacck28

Jen4948 said:

lilacck28 said:

Um. This could be a very unpopular opinion but... I'm going to say it anyway!

I am not religious. And that is a choice I have made quite deliberately, and with a lot of thought. 

I have friends who ARE religious, or at least more religious than I am. If I was going to their wedding, I would expect it to be in keeping with their beliefs. However, and I'm going to be really blunt here... IDGAF what the traditions associated with those beliefs are. 

They are meaningful to  people who adhere to them, and particularly to the couple getting married. I get that, and I respect that. I will most definitely understand that these particular traditions are part of their religious upbringing, and I understand the process of getting married. 

I don't need to know why a certain candle is being lit or why they are singing a certain song, etc etc.

I don't go to a wedding to be taught about the minutiae of other people's beliefs. I go to a wedding to see a couple in love become united.

 Part of why I am NOT religious, is because I find it entirely patronizing and disrespectful to be treated like a child i.e. "see, we do this, because it makes God love us and that's why it's wonderful", or be essentially told that some one else's beliefs are better. (Too many people have tried to convert me for the sake of my poor soul. Blegh.)

 Anyway, my main point is, I don't think it is necessary to teach anyone about the traditions that will take place during your ceremony. My friends and family, and myself, would probably be annoyed if not insulted/ feel like you're proselytizing if you did. Maybe your friends and family feel differently, but it's something to consider.

Stuck in box...

The fact that YOU don't want to know about other people's traditions does not determine that others do not or that explaining it is either "unnecessary" or not useful to others.  I do find it necessary to understand how the rituals in someone else's faith other than my own make "two people in love become united."  So don't decide this for me.

That's why I said at the bottom of my post "your friends and family may feel differently but it is something to consider." This is an Internet forum which is all about sharing opinions. I shared mine, and proceeded to frankly acknowledged that others may or may not agree.

Also, a program designating the names of parts of the ceremony, even a program that describes those parts, is, in my opinion, much less annoying / disruptive then stopping the sermon or speech or whatever is going on and saying "we do this because xyz". Again, just another opinion to consider.

Jen4948

lilacck28 said:

lilacck28 said:

Um. This could be a very unpopular opinion but... I'm going to say it anyway! I am not religious. And that is a choice I have made quite deliberately, and with a lot of thought. 

I have friends who ARE religious, or at least more religious than I am. If I was going to their wedding, I would expect it to be in keeping with their beliefs. However, and I'm going to be really blunt here... IDGAF what the traditions associated with those beliefs are. 

They are meaningful to  people who adhere to them, and particularly to the couple getting married. I get that, and I respect that. I will most definitely understand that these particular traditions are part of their religious upbringing, and I understand the process of getting married. 

I don't need to know why a certain candle is being lit or why they are singing a certain song, etc etc. I don't go to a wedding to be taught about the minutiae of other people's beliefs. I go to a wedding to see a couple in love become united.

 Part of why I am NOT religious, is because I find it entirely patronizing and disrespectful to be treated like a child i.e. "see, we do this, because it makes God love us and that's why it's wonderful", or be essentially told that some one else's beliefs are better. (Too many people have tried to convert me for the sake of my poor soul. Blegh.)

 Anyway, my main point is, I don't think it is necessary to teach anyone about the traditions that will take place during your ceremony. My friends and family, and myself, would probably be annoyed if not insulted/ feel like you're proselytizing if you did. Maybe your friends and family feel differently, but it's something to consider.

Stuck in box...

The fact that YOU don't want to know about other people's traditions does not determine that others do not or that explaining it is either "unnecessary" or not useful to others.  I do find it necessary to understand how the rituals in someone else's faith other than my own make "two people in love become united."  So don't decide this for me.

That's why I said at the bottom of my post "your friends and family may feel differently but it is something to consider." This is an Internet forum which is all about sharing opinions. I shared mine, and proceeded to frankly acknowledged that others may or may not agree. Also, a program designating the names of parts of the ceremony, even a program that describes those parts, is, in my opinion, much less annoying / disruptive then stopping the sermon or speech or whatever is going on and saying "we do this because xyz". Again, just another opinion to consider.

No, actually, nobody has to consider this.  If you don't want to read a program or find it "distracting," you can just ignore the program. This falls in the category of "your problem, not mine."  Nobody has to make it their problem by deciding for you or anyone else who doesn't like programs not to have programs for those who do.

lilacck28

Jen4948 said: No, actually, nobody has to consider this.  If you don't want to read a program or find it "distracting," you can just ignore the program. This falls in the category of "your problem, not mine."  Nobody has to make it their problem by deciding for you or anyone else who doesn't like programs not to have programs for those who do.

STUCK IN BOX

Again, I said the TALKING PART of the sermon/ speech. That is often not up to the couple. The officiant may ramble on about the traditions/ religion at his or her discretion, but I don't think the couple needs to ASK the officiant to explain these things during the ceremony. 

The OP was worried about the comfort of guests. She did not want them to be confused during the ceremony. My answer was that it is not necessary to worry about that. Guests can figure it out, and if they are more curious about the very specifics, can look it up themselves or read the program (if the couple decides to have one that has descriptions, which is, again, unnecessary unless the couple really wants to have one). An explanation during the ceremony, is, in my opinion as I have repeatedly stated, at best unnecessary at worst condescending. 

As all of this is opinion, I am sure someone else feels differently. But when a couple makes a decision based on the comfort of their guests, then they SHOULD consider the possibility of some liking what they do and some others not, and then making an informed decision based upon those possibilities. HOWEVER, at no point within any of my replies did I say YOU MUST CONSIDER THIS AND HEED MY WORDS. The phrase "something to consider" is not a demand.  I offered my opinion to the OP who ASKED FOR OPINIONS AND THINGS TO CONSIDER when she posted on an internet forum. 

Yes, I was shouting in my head. 

Jen4948

lilacck28 said:

Jen4948 said: No, actually, nobody has to consider this.  If you don't want to read a program or find it "distracting," you can just ignore the program. This falls in the category of "your problem, not mine."  Nobody has to make it their problem by deciding for you or anyone else who doesn't like programs not to have programs for those who do.

STUCK IN BOX

Again, I said the TALKING PART of the sermon/ speech. That is often not up to the couple. The officiant may ramble on about the traditions/ religion at his or her discretion, but I don't think the couple needs to ASK the officiant to explain these things during the ceremony. 

The OP was worried about the comfort of guests. She did not want them to be confused during the ceremony. My answer was that it is not necessary to worry about that. Guests can figure it out, and if they are more curious about the very specifics, can look it up themselves or read the program (if the couple decides to have one that has descriptions, which is, again, unnecessary unless the couple really wants to have one). An explanation during the ceremony, is, in my opinion as I have repeatedly stated, at best unnecessary at worst condescending. 

As all of this is opinion, I am sure someone else feels differently. But when a couple makes a decision based on the comfort of their guests, then they SHOULD consider the possibility of some liking what they do and some others not, and then making an informed decision based upon those possibilities. HOWEVER, at no point within any of my replies did I say YOU MUST CONSIDER THIS AND HEED MY WORDS. The phrase "something to consider" is not a demand.  I offered my opinion to the OP who ASKED FOR OPINIONS AND THINGS TO CONSIDER when she posted on an internet forum. 

Yes, I was shouting in my head. 

Why don't we agree to disagree about providing explanations?

I know that I as a guest would appreciate the explanation and even find it necessary and not a distraction.  That's something to consider too-that guests who are not familiar with the ceremony might well need the explanation, whether it's in a program or from the officiant.

ashleyep

Marzipan13 said:

Catholic ceremony = not rude.  Programs during ceremony = also not rude.

FI and I are printing simple programs (no explanations), just the order of the Mass, hymnal numbers, and acknowledgment of who's doing what during different parts of the Mass.  I love programs, myself - I always find it helpful to know where we're at in a wedding ceremony, especially if it's of another faith tradition that is not mine.  Not everyone's cup of tea, I understand, but we designed them ourselves and printed them ourselves, so... why not  *shrug*

This is what we did. I did a very simple tea length program (1/2 sheet of paper the tall way). The front had an outline of the ceremony and the readings and some responses - "Thanks be to God" after the readings - but not all of them. I know I'll get a lot of "And Also with You" instead of "And with your spirit" but that would happen regardless of what I put in the program. We didn't feel the need to put a ton of detail in it, just enough of an outline so guests know where we're at and what's next.

lilacck28

Jen4948 said:

lilacck28 said:

Jen4948 said: No, actually, nobody has to consider this.  If you don't want to read a program or find it "distracting," you can just ignore the program. This falls in the category of "your problem, not mine."  Nobody has to make it their problem by deciding for you or anyone else who doesn't like programs not to have programs for those who do.

STUCK IN BOX

Again, I said the TALKING PART of the sermon/ speech. That is often not up to the couple. The officiant may ramble on about the traditions/ religion at his or her discretion, but I don't think the couple needs to ASK the officiant to explain these things during the ceremony. 

The OP was worried about the comfort of guests. She did not want them to be confused during the ceremony. My answer was that it is not necessary to worry about that. Guests can figure it out, and if they are more curious about the very specifics, can look it up themselves or read the program (if the couple decides to have one that has descriptions, which is, again, unnecessary unless the couple really wants to have one). An explanation during the ceremony, is, in my opinion as I have repeatedly stated, at best unnecessary at worst condescending. 

As all of this is opinion, I am sure someone else feels differently. But when a couple makes a decision based on the comfort of their guests, then they SHOULD consider the possibility of some liking what they do and some others not, and then making an informed decision based upon those possibilities. HOWEVER, at no point within any of my replies did I say YOU MUST CONSIDER THIS AND HEED MY WORDS. The phrase "something to consider" is not a demand.  I offered my opinion to the OP who ASKED FOR OPINIONS AND THINGS TO CONSIDER when she posted on an internet forum. 

Yes, I was shouting in my head. 

Why don't we agree to disagree about providing explanations?

I know that I as a guest would appreciate the explanation and even find it necessary and not a distraction.  That's something to consider too-that guests who are not familiar with the ceremony might well need the explanation, whether it's in a program or from the officiant.

STUCK IN BOX

I can certainly agree to that! I acknowledged that my opinion might be unpopular from the get go. 

danamw

I cannot imagine a group of guests being so sheltered that they would act confused or bewildered at a religious service. The act of lighting a candle, or listening to a leader give a speech Is nothing that challenging.

The explanation can be in the program, if anyone chooses to read it. I can't picture anyone getting up and yelling "what the hell is this?" during a wedding.

I have been to a few Catholic wedding masses, and they are long. It can take an act of will to sit through them. That is not a comment on faith; I am not an atheist.

 My dad wasn't Catholic, and he hated that stuff. He wouldn't kneel, no way. If there was kneeling, he sat.

Marzipan13

danamw said:

I cannot imagine a group of guests being so sheltered that they would act confused or bewildered at a religious service. The act of lighting a candle, or listening to a leader give a speech Is nothing that challenging.

The explanation can be in the program, if anyone chooses to read it. I can't picture anyone getting up and yelling "what the hell is this?" during a wedding.

I have been to a few Catholic wedding masses, and they are long. It can take an act of will to sit through them. That is not a comment on faith; I am not an atheist.

 My dad wasn't Catholic, and he hated that stuff. He wouldn't kneel, no way. If there was kneeling, he sat.

And this is perfectly acceptable!  It would only be disrespectful for a non-Catholic to stand during the kneeling.  Otherwise, one could sit through the entire ceremony and it would be fine.  That's why FI & I aren't putting "Stand", "Kneel, "Sit" in our program - people will see what everyone else is doing, and they'll either follow suit or just sit.  

danamw

I just thought of something. People could use it as a way to get acquainted, if they wanted. It has happened to me, when I have attended events with unfamiliar rites.

Better: Oh, did you know when they let the bird out, and it crapped on the bride's dress, that symbolizes good luck? Me: Oh I didn't know that! That was cute! Let's go sit and talk!

Worse: Did you know that--- Guest: Yes, I read the program. My SO is over there, bye.

JMS62415

We decided to do programs we're not adding explanations of our traditions though. Just a brief timeline of sorts explaining what's going on, who's reading, what readings we're doing, etc. 

holyguacamole79

JMS62415, if you need a program template, let me know. 

Our priest subtly motioned for people regarding when to sit & stand.  He also invited people to follow the lead of others at the wedding regarding when to kneel.

JMS62415

sarahbear31 said:

JMS62415, if you need a program template, let me know. 

Our priest subtly motioned for people regarding when to sit & stand.  He also invited people to follow the lead of others at the wedding regarding when to kneel.

I'd love one. Thanks!

shaker227

@lilacck28‌ - it's not "see, we do this because it makes god love us and that's why it's wonderful" it's "see, we do this because we love god and he is wonderful!" ---a part of religion is to share that joy with others. It's in no way meant to be patronizing.

CMGragain

I am going to Indonesia next year.  I am eagerly learning everything I can about Muslim and Hindu religions because I want to see the fabulous temples and mosques, and I don't want to be an ignorant tourist.  When I was in Greece, I boned up on ancient religions and the Greek Orthodox faith.
I think the explanations are unnecessary, but there is no harm in them.