Spouses not invited to rehearsal dinner?

mamahappy

I am the maid of honor in my upcoming sister's wedding.  We recently found out that spouses are not invited to the rehearsal dinner, only the wedding party and the bride and groom's parents.  My husband is irritated by this, especially with the fact that we are coming from out of town.  He things this is hugely rude and tacky and I tend to agree.   I know when we had our rehearsal dinner, all of the wedding party were allowed to bring their spouses, I never even thought of doing otherwise, I just thought this is how it's done and didn't question. 

What do you think?  Is it wrong to not invite spouses to he RD?  What do the official wedding etiquette books say on the matter?

NYCMercedes

Yes, tacky. Can you ask her about this? Who is hosting?

RebeccaFlower

Your sister is wrong. If I were in your shoes, I would be telling her that I will attend the rehearsal, but I will not be staying for dinner since my H wasn't invited. 

QueerFemme

Your husband is right. Whoever is hosting this is being rude.

mamahappy

It is the bride and groom who are hosting.

Thanks for your responses, I had a hunch that's what y'all would say, lol.

Jen4948

Your sister and her FI are being extraordinarily rude to exclude spouses and SOs from the dinner.  I agree with the PP who would only attend the rehearsal.

emmaaa

Yes, y'all are absolutely right. The SO of all WP members should be invited to the RD. I wouldn't go to the dinner part.

photokitty

Are your parents aware that they are doing this? They should invite all SO's. BUT - Seriously, how is your sister excluding her BIL when your soon to be BIL (the groom) gets to go??

Talk about an awkward Thanksgiving and Christmas after they pull that crap.

mamahappy

I like the idea of skipping the rehearsal dinner as a couple of you suggested, but I don't think I would have the guts to do it.... I just couldn't!  I really admire anyone who has balls enough to tell their sister their skipping the RD, lol.

banana468

This is totally rude. Depending on my irritation and finances, I'd either not travel out of town that day OR I'd go to the rehearsal and then out to dinner with my husband.

Who is hosting? Are they doing this or are different people hosting this rudeness?

banana468

mamahappy said:

I like the idea of skipping the rehearsal dinner as a couple of you suggested, but I don't think I would have the guts to do it.... I just couldn't!  I really admire anyone who has balls enough to tell their sister their skipping the RD, lol.

So you have the guts to put your sister before your husband? I'm sorry but there's no way I'd do that and I don't think it's a great way for you to treat him. Remember, YOU have a choice here too. The hosts will get away with rudeness if others let them. You share a home with your spouse - not with your sister.

mamahappy

banana468 said:

I like the idea of skipping the rehearsal dinner as a couple of you suggested, but I don't think I would have the guts to do it.... I just couldn't!  I really admire anyone who has balls enough to tell their sister their skipping the RD, lol.

So you have the guts to put your sister before your husband? I'm sorry but there's no way I'd do that and I don't think it's a great way for you to treat him. Remember, YOU have a choice here too. The hosts will get away with rudeness if others let them. You share a home with your spouse - not with your sister.

True, I hadn't thought of it this way.

banana468 said:

This is totally rude. Depending on my irritation and finances, I'd either not travel out of town that day OR I'd go to the rehearsal and then out to dinner with my husband. Who is hosting? Are they doing this or are different people hosting this rudeness?

  The bride and groom are the ones hosting. 

aurianna

mamahappy said:

I like the idea of skipping the rehearsal dinner as a couple of you suggested, but I don't think I would have the guts to do it.... I just couldn't!  I really admire anyone who has balls enough to tell their sister their skipping the RD, lol.

Then you're indirectly telling your husband that you're putting more value on your sister and her feelings than on his, which is especially bad since your sister has clearly wronged him.
Yes this will cause drama. But you're in the right.

I would call her up and be straight forward. "Sis! Thanks so much for your invitation to dinner. I can't wait to rehearse for your wedding but unfortunately I won't be able to attend the dinner; hubby and I will be going out instead." And then if she asks why you can add, "He's traveling from out of town and I don't want to go somewhere he isn't welcome, leaving him alone in a strange place in the process. I hope you understand."

She's put you in a really, really awkward position. But I know if it were me I'd try to do what I could for my husband.

southernbelle0915

All sources on wedding etiquette say you need to invite people's spouses.

Your sister is wrong here and should make it right by contacting the WP and ensuring they know they can bring their spouse. "Sorry for any confusion......"

If I were in the WP and my spouse wasn't invited, I would politely decline the rehearsal and RD. I know how to walk down an aisle and I wouldn't plan to be treated poorly at some "hosted" event afterwards.

climbingsingle

Yeah, that's crazy rude.

Simply Fated

Besides the fact that you're a social unit, you're both coming in from out of town for this wedding. Your sister shouldn't want him to "fend for himself" for dinner while his travel partner is being fed. Neither should you.
I understand if it's hard to say no to your sister, but keep in mind that she gets ONE day. And the day of her rehearsal dinner is not her day.

banana468

Simply Fated said:

Besides the fact that you're a social unit, you're both coming in from out of town for this wedding. Your sister shouldn't want him to "fend for himself" for dinner while his travel partner is being fed. Neither should you.
I understand if it's hard to say no to your sister, but keep in mind that she gets ONE day. And the day of her rehearsal dinner is not her day.

Even if it WAS her day, she still deserves crappy feedback if she plans to do something crappy.

IrishPirate60

When's the actual date for all this? If there are still weeks to go, there's time for a talk with the bride and groom and an opportunity for them to amend the plans. Before going ballistic, educate.

aurianna

IrishPirate60 said:

When's the actual date for all this? If there are still weeks to go, there's time for a talk with the bride and groom and an opportunity for them to amend the plans. Before going ballistic, educate.

Yes. If you think you can have a reasonable conversation with her about this, I'd try.

If you can't...
Here's an idea. The night of the RD you should go out with your husband but feel free to invite all the left-out SOs with you as well. I get the feeling your sister will also be doing a head table during the wedding reception and not including the SOs at that either... it's a good time for them all to get to know each other (if they'd like to) since they'll probably be sitting alone together during the reception. :P

lyndausvi

Oh hell  no.  It's bad enough they are not inviting dates.  Add you are from OOT AND he is the bride's BIL and the groom's FBIL.   

 That would never go down in my family.  My own parents would sooner skip their child's RD then allow one of their sons-in-law fend for themselves while the rest of the family is having a dinner.   

 It's your fucking OOT sister's husband for god's sake.  That alone would get most people an invite in my social circle.   The fact he is also a spouse of a MOH just adds to the he should be invited list.

Like banana said, you need to pick your husband over your sister.  

syoun1nj

Ugh, your sister is rude. 

My sister (MOH) got together with her boyfriend like...1 week before our wedding. It was too late to add him to the guest count (or so I thought, wish I had actually called and checked to invite him), but she asked if he could come to the rehearsal/dinner with her which was totally fine (we didn't pay per head so didn't have a guest count there). 

I cannot imagine not inviting my BIL, even if I was awful enough to not want to invite SOs. 

I wouldn't even attend her rehearsal, honestly. And I'd tell her exactly why.

huskypuppy14

lyndausvi said:

Oh hell  no.  It's bad enough they are not inviting dates.  Add you are from OOT AND he is the bride's BIL and the groom's FBIL.   

 That would never go down in my family.  My own parents would sooner skip their child's RD then allow one of their sons-in-law fend for themselves while the rest of the family is having a dinner.   

 It's your fucking OOT sister's husband for god's sake.  That alone would get most people an invite in my social circle.   The fact he is also a spouse of a MOH just adds to the he should be invited list.

Like banana said, you need to pick your husband over your sister.  

All of this. This would never fly in my family either. I really don't understand what people are thinking when they make these ridiculous decisions.

schellzinator

Another vote for husband over sister...especially if your husband wants to go. 

Maybe it depends on the dynamic - but I have two sisters who I would TOTALLY be discussing this with.  Not just the fact it is their future BIL - but also for the sake of the other WP members. 

[Deleted User]

I'm another vote for skipping both the rehearsal dinner AND the rehearsal. Someone else can fill you in on how to walk down the aisle five minutes before you're supposed to do so.

mimivac

Oh my. She's not inviting her own BIL to the RD? No need to make a big song and dance about it, if that's not your thing, just decline. If she asks why, say you didn't feel right attending when your husband is not invited.

lyndausvi

I keep thinking of this and getting pissed on behalf of her husband.  Sure not inviting a SO of a WP member is bad, but how awkward is it to go come in from OOT to your spouse's sibling's wedding ad the rest of the family is going out to dinner and they leave you at home?  That just scream welcoming.

If I went to visit my DH's family in NYC and they excluded me from a special meal I would be pissed.  If DH even thought of going without me I would be out of there.  Oh hell no.   

And for the record I encourage my DH to visit his family without me.  When I'm there I often suggest him and his brother go out without me.  I even suggest DH and his mom have some time together without me.  The two of them often go on a walk and such together.  It's sweet.   On the flip side, I visit my sister or mom without DH.  We both think it's healthy to still have one-on-one time with our parents or siblings.

That said, when you starting adding in other in-laws and such.  All bets are off.   It stops being a mother/son or brother/brother bonding moment and it becomes a family event and I'm apart of the family.  Rehearsal dinner not withstanding.

manateehugger

Yeah, this would signal the beginning of a war between me and one of my sisters if she tried to pull this crap.

banana468

I totally agree with you @LYNDAUSVI. There's no way that plan would fly in my family at all.

mimivac

lyndausvi said:

I keep thinking of this and getting pissed on behalf of her husband.  Sure not inviting a SO of a WP member is bad, but how awkward is it to go come in from OOT to your spouse's sibling's wedding ad the rest of the family is going out to dinner and they leave you at home?  That just scream welcoming.

If I went to visit my DH's family in NYC and they excluded me from a special meal I would be pissed.  If DH even thought of going without me I would be out of there.  Oh hell no.   

And for the record I encourage my DH to visit his family without me.  When I'm there I often suggest him and his brother go out without me.  I even suggest DH and his mom have some time together without me.  The two of them often go on a walk and such together.  It's sweet.   On the flip side, I visit my sister or mom without DH.  We both think it's healthy to still have one-on-one time with our parents or siblings.

That said, when you starting adding in other in-laws and such.  All bets are off.   It stops being a mother/son or brother/brother bonding moment and it becomes a family event and I'm apart of the family.  Rehearsal dinner not withstanding.

Right. It's not like this is a special "sisters only" thing or whatever. That would be fine. Your husband doesn't have to be glued to your side at all times. However, this is a family dinner. For a wedding of a family member! Jeez, what a slap in the face.

JellyBean52513

OP, please find your balls to stand up to your sister. You and your husband exchanged vows and I'll bet they included some variation of "for better or for worse." This might be one of the worse situations, but you promised.

When my boss told me that nobody's unmarried SO would be invited to her wedding, my BF seemed uninterested when I told him that I'd be declining because it's incredibly rude not to invite a social unit. Some time later, I was telling him about how her guest list count was at 220 and the room only holds 180 so she already needs at least 40 people to decline. His response: "Well, at least you'll be one of the declines her rude ass needs!" He remembered what I'd said, he remembered that I told him I wasn't going to go, and most importantly he remembered WHY I was declining in the first place. I would never let anyone disrespect our relationship for any reason. I hope you don't, either.