Wedding Party

Man of Honor Problems! NEED HELP as have no idea what to do!

I asked my best friend and fellow soldier to be my Man of Honor at my wedding as soon as I got engaged. He promised to be awesome and be there for everything. He lives in California, but he promised to fly in any time I needed him. So far he hasn't attended anything. In fact, at my first bridal shower, he didn't even text me, call me, or anything. He just has disappeared, and let me down. I love him so much and he will always be my friend no matter what and he feels the same way, but I'm starting to think this position in the wedding just may be too much for him. One of my bridesmaids has really stepped up for me, basically accepting all the Maid of Honor duties. Now I feel like I should have them switch positions. I confronted my current Man of Honor about the whole situation. He knows that he has not been doing a great job so far. I asked what he wanted to give him to easy out in case he was having second thoughts too. Instead he tells me that he wants to still be the Man of Honor but he knows that he isn't doing a good job, and it's up to me to decide what to do with him.  
I don't want to be a bridezilla or anything by changing them around, and I don't want to make the wedding day hurtful for him if I change them. But I really do think it would be better to change them around. Is it completely horrible of me to change them around three months before the wedding? Should I just stick it out with him as Man of Honor? How would I even tell him that I want him to just be a bridesman instead? PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!

Re: Man of Honor Problems! NEED HELP as have no idea what to do!

  • Kaylab08 said:
    I asked my best friend and fellow soldier to be my Man of Honor at my wedding as soon as I got engaged. He promised to be awesome and be there for everything. He lives in California, but he promised to fly in any time I needed him. So far he hasn't attended anything. In fact, at my first bridal shower, he didn't even text me, call me, or anything. He just has disappeared, and let me down. I love him so much and he will always be my friend no matter what and he feels the same way, but I'm starting to think this position in the wedding just may be too much for him. One of my bridesmaids has really stepped up for me, basically accepting all the Maid of Honor duties. There is no such thing as "Maid of Honor duties" - these are made up things that end up complicating friendships and causing drama... as it has done in your situation. Now I feel like I should have them switch positions. I confronted my current Man of Honor about the whole situation. He knows that he has not been doing a great job so far. I asked what he wanted to give him to easy out in case he was having second thoughts too. Instead he tells me that he wants to still be the Man of Honor but he knows that he isn't doing a good job, and it's up to me to decide what to do with him.  This is exactly the same reaction I would have had if a friend said this to me.
    I don't want to be a bridezilla or anything by changing them around, and I don't want to make the wedding day hurtful for him if I change them. If you kick him out of this role and give the title to someone else, you will probably ruin this friendship. All over a shower and some DIY crafts? But I really do think it would be better to change them around. Is it completely horrible of me to change them around three months before the wedding? Yes. Should I just stick it out with him as Man of Honor? Yes.  How would I even tell him that I want him to just be a bridesman instead? PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!
    I think you're getting hung up on this imaginary thing called "MOH duties". There is no such thing and the sooner you realize that, the sooner this drama will take care of itself. 

    You don't need to do anything with him. It sounds like your local friend is helping you out a lot and that's very nice of her. But you shouldn't do anything like changing titles at this point - that would put serious strain on your relationship and create a SUPER awkward dynamic at the wedding.

    Imagine if you were MOH thousands of miles from a bride and she "demoted" you because she didn't feel you doing enough for her and she "promoted" someone in your place. Would you even want to attend the wedding at all? 
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  • Kaylab08 said:
    I asked my best friend and fellow soldier to be my Man of Honor at my wedding as soon as I got engaged. He promised to be awesome and be there for everything. He lives in California, but he promised to fly in any time I needed him. So far he hasn't attended anything. In fact, at my first bridal shower, he didn't even text me, call me, or anything. He just has disappeared, and let me down. I love him so much and he will always be my friend no matter what and he feels the same way, but I'm starting to think this position in the wedding just may be too much for him. One of my bridesmaids has really stepped up for me, basically accepting all the Maid of Honor duties. Now I feel like I should have them switch positions. I confronted my current Man of Honor about the whole situation. He knows that he has not been doing a great job so far. I asked what he wanted to give him to easy out in case he was having second thoughts too. Instead he tells me that he wants to still be the Man of Honor but he knows that he isn't doing a good job, and it's up to me to decide what to do with him.  
    I don't want to be a bridezilla or anything by changing them around, and I don't want to make the wedding day hurtful for him if I change them. But I really do think it would be better to change them around. Is it completely horrible of me to change them around three months before the wedding? Should I just stick it out with him as Man of Honor? How would I even tell him that I want him to just be a bridesman instead? PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!!
    "Demote" him and see how much it negatively affects your friendship. The guy's life isn't suddenly starting to revolve around you because you get to wear a ring and get presents. How sad that you'd pick your friendships and a deeply meaningful and symbolic role on your wedding day based on who does more materialistic tasks for you. 

    Do you still talk to him about non-wedding stuff? Just called him up to see what's going on in his life?  Be his friend first, a bride second. 

    His duties are to show up, be pleasant, smile for pictures, and stand by you as you say your vows. 
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  • Gods.  There are no MOH responsibilities!  It is a position of honor, meaning YOU are honoring HIM.  He owes you nothing in response!  The only thing a MOH, and for that matter a BM, needs to do is show up at the wedding in the correct attire. 



  • What are you doing for your "something blue" ?
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • How could you even think of hurting a friend like that?
  • ohannabelleohannabelle member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer First Anniversary
    edited July 2014
    There are no duties. The reason the position is maid or man of honor is because you are honoring them.
    They are required only to be there at your side for the wedding, sober and properly dressed. 

    Anything more is a myth, perpetuated by crappy wedding shows, magazines, and Pinterest. Instead of those, use an etiquette book as your reference source. 
  • Vivandiere8Vivandiere8 member
    250 Love Its Third Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    edited July 2014
    Because MOHs have typically been sisters or best friends of the bride many of them have chosen to say "hey, I'm going to throw you a shower and/or bachelorett party" and some how this has become warped into "it's the duty of the maid of honor to host and attend such things." The more this becomes the norm the less of an honor this position will become.

    When I got married I asked my sister to be my matron of honor. She has two very small boys and lives out of the state. She said she would travel over and throw me a shower, but when she just wasn't able to manage it I didn't hold it against her in the slightest because I knew she probably wasn't thinking out the logistics of that even when she first offered.

    When she got married some years ago I was her maid of honor, but we were going to different college in different states and I wasn't able to attend a shower event her friend threw for her at her college. No big deal. It was never expected I would have to fly out there for that. When she then came home that summer to prepare for the wedding some of the woman there threw her a shower and non of her brides maids could attend because they were all college friends who lived out of state.

    If I ask someone to be my bridesmaid who lived out of state I would never expect them to buy a plane ticket and fly in for anything expect the rehearsal dinner the night before and then be there for the wedding the next day. Even if they told me they would I would have considered that going above and beyond, and wouldn't hold it against them if they didn't. If someone asked me to be in their wedding which was far enough away that I would need to buy a plane ticket it wouldn't' occur to me that they expected me to fly out there any more than once for the wedding
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  • Like PPs have said, your Man of Honor has no duties. He doesn't need to show up to your showers. Removing him as your MOH and replacing him with someone else would pretty much be a friendship-ending (or at least friendship-changing) move. Why would you want to hurt someone's feelings like that? MOH is not a job. There are not duties. 
  • Ditto everything PPs said. But what I can't wrap my head around is that he lives in another state and you actually expected him to fly in for your pre wedding parties or whenever you needed him? Airline tickets aren't cheap and I'm sure he has his own life.
  • I swear, some people would really benefit from reading a thread or two here before asking some of these questions!

    Or maybe I'm just grumpy and need a glass of wine.
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  • Explain to him that you thought your really cared about him and valued his friendship, but it turns out that all you care about in a friendship is what you can get out of it.  Since he's not doing enough for you, you don't care as much about him as you thought you did.  

    Then tell him that another friend is doing a bunch of stuff, so you've decided that you care more about her than him.  
  • If it's important to you to show the friend who has been helping so much appreciation. I think it would be perfectly fine for you to name her Maid of Honor & still keep a Man of Honor.
  • MOH does NOT mean - person who does the most work.  It means that you are singling that one specific person out to be honored.  How are you honoring him by kicking him out because he isn't doing enough slave labor for you?

    Brides these days are all twisted around about what the position means, even though 'honor' is in the title.  Have you even texted him to ask him if something bad happened to him?  Did that thought even cross your mind?  Don't let your wedding blind you to the fact that other people are living lives too.



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  • lc07lc07 member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    If it's important to you to show the friend who has been helping so much appreciation. I think it would be perfectly fine for you to name her Maid of Honor & still keep a Man of Honor.
    Right that you should show appreciation to anyone who does things for you. Wrong that it should be by "promoting" to maid of honor. A gift or thoughtful letter given privately would be a great way to show appreciation.
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