Drama regarding our registry

jschroeder0304

I deleted my original post because I'm not upset that our shower was cancelled because of where we were registered, but because my fiance and I regarded our shower as a way to celebrate our upcoming wedding with his family, who we have not seen since we set our wedding date. When did weddings become about presents, instead of about bringing families together and celebrating a couple's love and dedication together? Maybe I should have put more thought into where we registered, but I guess I didn't realize that it would have the power to upset people as much as it did. I guess after today I'll go back to my fairytale thinking that a wedding is about celebrating the love between my fiance and I, and realize that not everyone will understand that not everything is about money and gifts.

manateehugger

This seems like a silly situation all around.

On one hand, I can see that getting stuff from Crate & Barrel could be a pain for people who live in small towns (the closest one to me now is 1.5 hours away) to drive to one for just a shower, and paying for shipping is also annoying for a shower.  

On the other hand, people could have gotten you off-registry stuff or simply declined to attend. But I think a lot of people try to avoid off-registry for non-unique/personal things because it's not what the couple actually wanted. And showers are never for gift cards, so stop suggesting that. 

Also, dear Lord, it took you three months to throw together a decent registry? We did ours in a few hours when we drove to C&B and Target on a Saturday after I did a bit of research for a few hours . I cleaned it up maybe once or twice after that. 

But honestly, what's done is done. If she doesn't want to host a shower for you, she doesn't have to. Let it go. You'll have more important things to worry about as the wedding gets closer.  

mysticl

I'm not sure why you think it's really difficult to set up and maintain two registries.  We did ours entirely online it only took a couple of hours.  There is no real "maintaing" to do.  You made decide to add stuff because you think of it later but that's it.  

I would not drive a few hours to a store to buy you a gift.  I'm only ordering it online if I'm planning to ship the gift directly to you which I would not do for a shower.  I wouldn't take a gift card to a shower.  I could buy you something not on your registry but then you'll probably return it since it's not what you wanted.  So I can see why she encouraged you to register somewhere a little more mainstream.

PP mentioned that people could have opted to decline the shower and I'm wondering if they did decline and then the MOG asked why. So upon finding out that people were declining because of the level of difficulty involved in buying a gift she tried to come up with a solution. 

Either way, it doesn't matter.  She isn't obligated to host a shower for you and can choose not to have one.  

southernbelle0915

I think both sides are a little irrational. 

1) Your FMIL: Her giving you an ultimatum is a little strange. However, it's clear she was sincere about it since she followed through. 

2) You refusing to create another registry is a little odd, also. Especially if people are willing to host a shower for you and don't want to order online, drive 3 hours or give you a gift card. Three weeks is plenty of time to create a registry at Macy's, BBB, Target or another store that's locally convenient. You could easily register for basics, like spatulas/cooking spoons, cookie sheets, table linens, luggage, knives, a crock pot, iron, steamer, food processor, sheets for the guest room, an air mattress, etc. etc. etc. You could easily find things to register for

Honestly, I'm kind of with your FMIL here. If I were throwing a shower for someone, all the guests were local and the closest store was hours away, I'd probably suggest she make an additional small registry for the shower, too. I'd think it was a little weird if she refused with 3 weeks out. It'd just strike me as kind of combative.

chibiyui

Registries are not hard. You can even set up a Target registry online.

photokitty

I agree with Southernbelle.

Since the issue was related to a shower I think ordering online is not a viable option. Shipping is not a good option - what if the gift didn't arrive?

You should never suggest guests give gift cards for a shower.

Did you honestly suggest the guests could drive a couple hours to the store and then a couple hours back home just to buy you a gift?? - that's super presumptuous.

The only real option you gave them was to go out an purchase whatever they felt like. I can understand why your FMIL might have felt uncomfortable suggesting this to guests. A shower is a kindness and it should not come as an inconvenience to the guest, they are already being gracious by showering your with gifts and love.

She told you up front the offer of hosting a shower came with a condition you had two options - meet the condition or decline the shower. Your inaction was understood as a decline. You are fine to only register at C&B, but your FMIL and FI's aunt are fine to opt not to host a shower.

wandajune6

We have 3 registries, all of which were made online. In fact, we went into a store just once - and that was to see if 2 things matched. It's easy.

It seems to me that you should make it as easy as possible for people to buy you gifts. If I was in a small town, I'd be pissy about the inconvenience but buy you something from a local store.

MNVegas

Sorry but I would not be driving a couple of hours to a store to buy anyone a shower gift. A lot of people also do last minute shopping so again registering at a store hours away is very inconvenient for guests and a little inconsiderate on your part. No wonder people are declining invitations to your shower. 

theartistformerlyknownas

Agree with all the PPs. Seems like a reasonable request that if you expect people to bring you gifts, you make it a little more convenient for them, even if an ultimatum was a bit extreme. It's not that difficult. I set up all three of our registries online in one afternoon, on the couch in sweatpants. It takes a few minutes a week to make sure things aren't discontinued, but that wouldn't be a big concern with three weeks left.

banana468

Why did you register at an inconvenient place? The closest C&B to me is an hour away and frankly o don't want to drive that far for a gift either. It's a bit silly to cancel the shower but it's worse that you didn't think of the ease of your guests.

Viczaesar

Nobody copied the original post?

chibiyui

jschroeder0304 said:

I deleted my original post because I'm not upset that our shower was cancelled because of where we were registered, but because my fiance and I regarded our shower as a way to celebrate our upcoming wedding with his family, who we have not seen since we set our wedding date. When did weddings become about presents, instead of about bringing families together and celebrating a couple's love and dedication together? Maybe I should have put more thought into where we registered, but I guess I didn't realize that it would have the power to upset people as much as it did. I guess after today I'll go back to my fairytale thinking that a wedding is about celebrating the love between my fiance and I, and realize that not everyone will understand that not everything is about money and gifts.

Oh bother. A shower is entirely about giving you gifts. Thats why it is called a SHOWER. 

If you just wanted a get together, you should have freaking said so. "Hey FMIL, we don't really anything, but we'd love to celebrate with you and the family."

Also, even if you didn't want gifts, you very easily could have set up another registry, ONLINE, with stuff to met your FMIL/Aunts demands of another registry. This wasn't a hard situation. You made it difficult. 

And now I need some of this. 

photokitty

jschroeder0304 said:

I deleted my original post because I'm not upset that our shower was cancelled because of where we were registered, but because my fiance and I regarded our shower as a way to celebrate our upcoming wedding with his family, who we have not seen since we set our wedding date. When did weddings become about presents, instead of about bringing families together and celebrating a couple's love and dedication together? Maybe I should have put more thought into where we registered, but I guess I didn't realize that it would have the power to upset people as much as it did. I guess after today I'll go back to my fairytale thinking that a wedding is about celebrating the love between my fiance and I, and realize that not everyone will understand that not everything is about money and gifts.

I call BS. 

If you didn't want gifts you would have told your FMIL, we don't want gifts. You would not have said people can drive a few hours each way to go get me a gift at C&B bc I don't have time to register and maintain a second registry.

CLIFF NOTES

OP said...

FMIL and FI's aunt offer to throw a shower in Wisconsin. We registered at C&B...closest one to the family in WI is several hours away.

FMIL demanded they add another local option for guests or she would not host a shower.

OP said no and guests have the following options:

1. ship the gift to my home

2. give gift cards for at shower

3. guests could drive a couple hours to the store and then a couple hours back home just to buy you a gift (super presumptuous, tacky and rude!)

4. or purchase whatever they wanted off registry.

Since the OP refused to make a second registry the FMIL decided not to host the shower. OP was upset and wanted us to tell her that FMIL was out of line and rude. No one did so she DDed.

sophhabobopha

photokitty said:

jschroeder0304 said:

I deleted my original post because I'm not upset that our shower was cancelled because of where we were registered, but because my fiance and I regarded our shower as a way to celebrate our upcoming wedding with his family, who we have not seen since we set our wedding date. When did weddings become about presents, instead of about bringing families together and celebrating a couple's love and dedication together? Maybe I should have put more thought into where we registered, but I guess I didn't realize that it would have the power to upset people as much as it did. I guess after today I'll go back to my fairytale thinking that a wedding is about celebrating the love between my fiance and I, and realize that not everyone will understand that not everything is about money and gifts.

I call BS. 

If you didn't want gifts you would have told your FMIL, we don't want gifts. You would not have said people can drive a few hours each way to go get me a gift at C&B bc I don't have time to register and maintain a second registry.

CLIFF NOTES

OP said...

FMIL and FI's aunt offer to throw a shower in Wisconsin. We registered at C&B...closest one to the family in WI is several hours away.

FMIL demanded they add another local option for guests or she would not host a shower.

OP said no and guests have the following options:

1. ship the gift to my home

2. give gift cards for at shower

3. guests could drive a couple hours to the store and then a couple hours back home just to buy you a gift (super presumptuous, tacky and rude!)

4. or purchase whatever they wanted off registry.

Since the OP refused to make a second registry the FMIL decided not to host the shower. OP was upset and wanted us to tell her that FMIL was out of line and rude. No one did so she DDed.

If you don't want gifts that bad why would you register?

lyndausvi

I must live in a different world.     I registered at BBB and PB.  The closest stores to where I lived was a 3 hour PLANE ride, over an ocean, so no driving.    I guess I could have sailed?  That would take a week or so.

Anyway, the reason I picked those options was because they were convenient for all my guests. Plus they both shipped to my house.  Although all the gifts from my stateside shower were shipped home by me.   

 I don't know?  It all seemed logical to me.

southernbelle0915

jschroeder0304 said:

I deleted my original post because I'm not upset that our shower was cancelled because of where we were registered, but because my fiance and I regarded our shower as a way to celebrate our upcoming wedding with his family, who we have not seen since we set our wedding date. Why not? Visits go both ways. It's easier for two people (you and your FI) to travel than a whole clan of multiple families. When did weddings become about presents, instead of about bringing families together and celebrating a couple's love and dedication together? Maybe I should have put more thought into where we registered, but I guess I didn't realize that it would have the power to upset people as much as it did. I guess after today I'll go back to my fairytale thinking that a wedding is about celebrating the love between my fiance and I, and realize that not everyone will understand that not everything is about money and gifts.

In all seriousness, this is kind of manipulative. 

No one (including your FMIL) is saying weddings aren't about love. Where does that even come from?? 

You were offered a Wedding Shower. A Wedding Shower is a gift giving event - it is, by nature, about giving/receiving presents. Buying you presents isn't easy when your only registry is hours away. She offered a solution, you didn't like it. You offered a solution, she didn't like it. If you can't agree on a solution for the purpose of the party (gifts), there's no point having a gift giving event. 

Nothing is stopping you from calling up your FMIL today and letting her know you'd like to visit your FI's family and see everyone - no need for a gift giving event to get the two of you to go visit his family.

mysticl

jschroeder0304 said:

I deleted my original post because I'm not upset that our shower was cancelled because of where we were registered, but because my fiance and I regarded our shower as a way to celebrate our upcoming wedding with his family, who we have not seen since we set our wedding date. When did weddings become about presents, instead of about bringing families together and celebrating a couple's love and dedication together? Maybe I should have put more thought into where we registered, but I guess I didn't realize that it would have the power to upset people as much as it did. I guess after today I'll go back to my fairytale thinking that a wedding is about celebrating the love between my fiance and I, and realize that not everyone will understand that not everything is about money and gifts.

That's what a wedding is.  If your FMIL canceled your WEDDING because of the inconvenience of getting you gifts that would be insanely rude. But she didn't cancel your wedding.  She canceled your SHOWER which is a party to give you gifts.  That is a purpose of the shower.  People would feel incredibly awkward to show up at a shower without a gift and they would be talked about afterwards possibly for years because of it. So if they can't swing getting you a gift they aren't going to attend.  

brideofginger

We're struggling with our Target registry a little bit because we created it too early and we've had to replace several items, as they've gone out of stock over the last few months. My FMIL is also heckling us because she has a family friend hosting a shower in my FI's hometown (5 hours away) and I guess some of the items aren't in the store? It's possible she's just being neurotic about it and there's actually not a significant difference, but even so, we can't help regional differences in what stores stock. So that's fun.

Back to this post - we purposely registered at Target and JCP because most cities have one local to them. I think you need to cater to your out of town guests a little if you want them to spend money on you.

wajohnson09

brideofginger said:

Back to this post - we purposely registered at Target and JCP because most cities have one local to them. I think you need to cater to your out of town guests a little if you want them to spend money on you.

This! We live in a large city, but our families live in small towns. We opted for Target and Kohls because it will be more convenient for them

mysticl

brideofginger said:

We're struggling with our Target registry a little bit because we created it too early and we've had to replace several items, as they've gone out of stock over the last few months. My FMIL is also heckling us because she has a family friend hosting a shower in my FI's hometown (5 hours away) and I guess some of the items aren't in the store? It's possible she's just being neurotic about it and there's actually not a significant difference, but even so, we can't help regional differences in what stores stock. So that's fun. Back to this post - we purposely registered at Target and JCP because most cities have one local to them. I think you need to cater to your out of town guests a little if you want them to spend money on you.

Target does this. They have stuff that is online only and stuff that is in store only.  She is not being neurotic and it is not regional.  If you look at their website it will tell you if the stuff is online only or if it is sold in stores. You will see a lot of online only stuff on their website.  

princessleia22

jschroeder0304 said:

I deleted my original post because I'm not upset that our shower was cancelled because of where we were registered, but because my fiance and I regarded our shower as a way to celebrate our upcoming wedding with his family, who we have not seen since we set our wedding date. When did weddings become about presents, instead of about bringing families together and celebrating a couple's love and dedication together? Maybe I should have put more thought into where we registered, but I guess I didn't realize that it would have the power to upset people as much as it did. I guess after today I'll go back to my fairytale thinking that a wedding is about celebrating the love between my fiance and I, and realize that not everyone will understand that not everything is about money and gifts.

Weddings are about love and family, but showers are meant to be gift giving events. So, yes, when it comes to the shower, it is all about money and gifts.

I agree that it wouldn't have been difficult to put together a small registry that would be more convenient for those coming to the shower. We did ours at BB&B & Target, mainly because we had people all over country and wanted something easy for them. And for my shower, which was across country from where I live, I wanted it to be more about spending time with family that I rarely see.  So, they made it a co-ed BBQ "open house" and did specify gifts were not required. Of course, every single person that came still brought a gift. Since they knew I'd have to travel home, many people did bring gift cards, but showers really are meant for opening tangible gifts, not gift cards. We actually decided not to open the cards there, just the larger gifts, because we thought it would be rude to flash around how much cash people gave us. 

But the person offering to host the event thought that the gift options were too difficult or inconvenient for the invited guests, and they have every right to opt out of hosting if they don't like the scenario.  And they gave you the option to correct that inconvenience, which you opted not to do. So, that was your choice.